Husband gives too much to charity

[MissandeiofNaath]

Not sure where to put this; probably an AIBU but too scared of the bunfights on AIBU! Anyway, my Dh gives too much to charity.

We have been married a very long time, have a joint account, both work but he is by far the higher earner. We are comfortable but not super rich, and have cut back like everyone else. DH is an immigrant from a developing country, and is incredibly frugal. Spends almost nothing on himself, especially now he mostly WFH. But likes to donate quite a lot to charity in his home country, like say £2. to 2.5 k a year. He does not give it to the big charities, but to grassroot charities that he has checked out himself on his visits. He also donated to a school bursary in the UK.

I don't have a concern that the money is being wasted. But with two young adultDC, I feel that given the way the economy is going, we should save for them in case they need more help with house deposits etc etc. But he tends to nag away at me about "giving back" until I give in!

Should I just let him do what he wants with "his" money? He never complains about any of my spending, ever.

I'd be really proud of my DH, he's from a poor background in a poor country and we do give lots. The way we see it ours kids have plenty of other opportunities, so we can spare some £. But of course you need to be on the same page.

when i needed more money that's what i did

Wow what a nasty bit of work you come across as. Many cultures have a different (better) inclination to giving. He never moans at your spending so why can't he give some of his away? It's tax deductible as well.

Am I the only one who is curious about which culture OP is from?! And which country is receiving the donations....

And yes I think its very noble of her DP...

Your husband sounds like a generous-hearted, charitable man. If you are able to help your children with house deposits as well, then that is great.

As I’m sure you’re aware, charitable donations are tax exempt for the donor, quite apart from it being a good thing to do in itself.

He sounds lovely and I'd be very proud to be in partnership with him. Also, since he's very frugal he's that doesn't mean he should have to give the money others would spend on themselves, hobbies etc to his kids. He chooses to spend it on grassroots charities, lovely.

So many red flags here. Time to ringfence your finances, see a solicitor and head for the hills. You deserve so much different to sharing your life with a kind and generous man.

He sounds amazing, if you don't want him I'm sure there will be plenty of takers.

Your kids will do the same thing - earn more than he does, as second generation immigrants always do - and continue the cycle.

I'm a second generation immigrant as well and I take pride in being able to earn the money I need for the things I want to buy, and have the freedom to own them myself. I don't want handouts, they teach me nothing.

In a lot of religious groups there is an idea you give 10% of your earnings away. Sometimes to your church, sometimes to charity. I think it is admirable, but would not be able to pay my bills and live if I did this.

Good for your husband, OP. He is making a considered decision to spend less on himself and instead ensure his money benefits others.

Like some pps, I tithe and often give more than 10% to charity. Over the past couple of years I’ve reduced my spending but have kept my charitable giving at the same level.

I haven’t read many of the replies.

you both have great motivations. Him giving back, you giving to your children.
that’s the discussion you need to have, both your hearts are invested in giving back and setting your kids up. loving actions.

personally I think you don’t have to see it as “if we give to charity we can’t save for our kids” I think there is a way to get both your aims fulfilled.
you seem apprehensive of the future, and I wonder if you have shared your fears with him and listened to his reasons for giving back.
this is a discussion full of love and if you connect at that level magic can happen. but if you connect at “your giving to them is preventing our family survival” over simplified level, you will miss the beauty and potential magic of it all

the fact you asked on here means you know there is a better stance but you guys haven’t put your fingers on it quite yet

i wish you to find it - it will be beautiful

skip the judgemental comments!

You’ve married a good egg there. Someone who’d rather go without and give to others is admirable and an amazing role model to your DCs.

If you are really concerned about your finances I’d raise it with him though so you can both sit down and budget for what’s important to you both before it becomes a huge issue.

some companies do great charitable giving so that could be a way of it costing less but still giving the same amount

So, he doesn’t spend anything on himself? I’d bet you spend more than £2k a year on yourself; clothes, hair, make up etc. Let him spend his share of money as he wants, just like you do.

Depends… I would ask yourself the following questions:-

1. Do you have debt?
2. Is anyone in your household in need of medical treatment?
3. Do you have a good quality of life with work and fun in balance?
4. Have you saved adequately for pensions?
5. Have you got 6 months worth of living expenses set aside in case of emergency?
6. Have you saved for the children to help them out with course fees, wedding and house deposit?

If the answer is yes to 1 & 2 and no to the rest, I would urge him to address these issues prior to donating.

Why do you do it when you’re struggling financially? That’s crackers.

Your husband sounds wonderful; I wish mine (also higher earner) would do similar rather than wasting on rubbish. It’s an admirable quality to have surely, I’d be proud of him. If your family is comfortable i don’t think you can give “too much” to charity and the ones he’s chosen sound very deserving.

People are being very mean to you here. I read this post as you want to help your family and put your kids first, which is totally understandable. The current climate is a tough place to live in, especially when you're just starting out as a young adult and it's got so much worse over the past 5 or so years. As long as your kids aren't struggling, I wouldn't begrudge your husband's charity, I think it's lovely. But if you're struggling or your kids are struggling and hubby won't budge, then maybe a chat needs to be had.

We give 10% of our income.

Unless you're children are in danger of being in real poverty I would say he's in the right - the amount of money you're talking about in the hands of a grassroots charity in a developing country will massively change (or even save) multiple lives.
Spent on two young adults in the UK it's a small quality of life improvement but definitely not life changing.

"Struggling" is a subjective concept though, isn't it?

I think most of us would agree that the OP's dc were struggling if they were regularly having to choose between eating and heating their homes, but some people might consider their kids to be struggling if, for example, they couldn't afford to buy a house or couldn't afford to go on holiday, couldn't afford driving lessons etc. Where do you draw the line?

The OP mentioned saving for house deposits, which is not unreasonable, given how difficult it can be for young people to get on the housing ladder these days. However, her DH may have a very different perspective on what "struggling" looks like if he has grown up in a society where people's most basic needs are frequently not met. And he might think that saving up to buy a house is a luxury when so many people can't afford basic healthcare or the cost of educating their kids.

Sorry no I’ll stop you there. They are married. Legally it’s their money not his money. She has the right to an opinion and I hope you spend every single last spare penny you earn after bills on charity but I highly expect you don’t. So drop the holier than thou attitude because it makes you look like a foolish bully. The OP is concerned about their children’s future given the current economic climate which is fair. Let’s for arguments sake say that their children fell upon some life changing hard times through no fault of their own, I’d be annoyed if I couldn’t help my DC because my DH would have rather given an enormous amount of money regardless of earnings to charity that could have instead been saved to help them. The OP isn’t saying not to give any money to charity just to question the amount and thinks it could be split more wisely. Your response to this is extremely childish and just unnecessarily spiteful. If anyone needs to get a grip here, it’s definitely you.

I said "if" they're struggling. It isn't my decision to define that, or yours.

Apologies if I have it wrong (havnt read the whole thread)

Is he Muslim? If so, then he must give 2.5% of wealth accumulated over the year to charity.

It is one of the 5 pillars and not excusable.

If he isnt Muslim, its still admirable as long as it isnt leaving you rubbish financial situation.

This is a great way to think of it!

I agree, but that's not the point.

The point is that the OP and her DH might have different views on what constitutes "struggling" because it is a subjective concept.

You both sound like really nice thoughtful people his background is shaping his decisions on how he gifts to charities and its having a really beneficial outcome for those receiving it you on the other hand are thinking a little closer to home and cost of living and your children's futures amd theres nothing wrong woth that we all want the best for our kids but your children are in a position to shape their own futures and you don't need to think about inheritance. it should never be expected by children that they will receive it enjoy your money and if there's any left then they get that.
He's an high income earner with low spend attitude so seems that for now its doable.