Husband gives too much to charity

[MissandeiofNaath]

Not sure where to put this; probably an AIBU but too scared of the bunfights on AIBU! Anyway, my Dh gives too much to charity.

We have been married a very long time, have a joint account, both work but he is by far the higher earner. We are comfortable but not super rich, and have cut back like everyone else. DH is an immigrant from a developing country, and is incredibly frugal. Spends almost nothing on himself, especially now he mostly WFH. But likes to donate quite a lot to charity in his home country, like say £2. to 2.5 k a year. He does not give it to the big charities, but to grassroot charities that he has checked out himself on his visits. He also donated to a school bursary in the UK.

I don't have a concern that the money is being wasted. But with two young adultDC, I feel that given the way the economy is going, we should save for them in case they need more help with house deposits etc etc. But he tends to nag away at me about "giving back" until I give in!

Should I just let him do what he wants with "his" money? He never complains about any of my spending, ever.

80% of donations made to the British Heart Foundation go directly on their charitable work.

https://www.bhf.org.uk/what-we-do/where-your-money-goes

As a donor I'm aware that they also need money for rent, IT, marketing, accounting, cleaning, testing, legal checks, salaries, human resources.

What expenses would you like them to cut? People talk about charity's additional costs as if they are luxuries. They're not.

Please be careful not to spread misinformation about active charities - that's not fair to them, their donors, or the many many people they help.

not with local grassroots charities, though, so i suspect that's why he does it.

thanks to the pp for the Care International microfinance link, I'm going to look into that.

These are very strange choices

Universities and care homes have high management and admin costs. Why would you mind that for (other) charities and not for them?

Care homes are better off buying directly at trade prices, making sure what they are buying fits UK regulations.

Medicine to treat diabetes is dispensed free in the UK.

Your choice to buy someone who is homeless food, and a kind choice, but not shown to be one that works to get people off the streets unfortunately.

OP's husband is donating to his home country. I suspect he knows the conditions and has done his research. Everyone knows charities have other expenses apart from giving. If these expenses could be avoided they would avoid them. Businesses have them too. Paying for time, skills, fuel, storage, space and information doesn't come free just because you set up a charity!

Not disagreeing with you. I think it's important to correct that inaccurate statement from PP which could be very damaging to the British Heart Foundation (and also makes no sense)

That looks like a breakdown of where BHF's income comes from. Here is information about where it goes: 80% directly on charitable cause

https://www.bhf.org.uk/what-we-do/where-your-money-goes

Good post. Charities are very fortunate to have intelligent donors who understand that certain infrastructure/operating costs are required in order to deliver the maximum impact. It's a shame that some people are unable to comprehend this.

If your husband is by far the higher earner and you are both working full time, £200 a month isn't that much of his pre-tax income.

This feels like misplaced anxiety. Reading world news and UK economic reports has that effect on me.

Why not leave the charity out of it and have a chat together about what you can do to support your kids in today's climate, without planning to squeeze every penny from his causes or your pleasures in life?

I'd find it very hard to try to stop someone from giving to charity. It's a trait I really admire and it can save and change lives.

But building a plan together to support your children would be suitable and sensible. Interest rates are up. It might be a good time to invest. Is downsizing on the cards? Is there a source of income you'd like to ringfence for them? Think in terms of growing something for them together, not shaving.

My DH also gives more to charities than I probably would if left to my own devices. But, like your DH, it’s part of him and his values-and they’re admirable values. We’ve discussed his giving and all I’ve done is encourage him to give to charities that are v. transparent about how money is spent.

Rather than thinking about the money that your children are missing out on, perhaps consider what a positive role model your DH is to them?

Absolutely. My parents modelled responsible giving to me. I would not like a penny of that back to make my life a bit easier. They were good people who made a difference to hundreds of people I will never know, over many years. I try to do the same.

I think our ties to our roots, cultures, ethnic groups and where we're from are super important to us on a spiritual level. My ex, Muslim, used to always send cash to their fam and Islamic organisations overseas very frequently.

If I moved to another country, I'd prob send some cash back home to England too! If he's a high earner what's the problem?

It's hard to know without knowing your income! We give around 10% of our earnings away but that is a joint decision and we discuss where we give and review annually.

I think what he is doing is wonderful. What a nice man.

I’ll be very honest, I’ll ditch all the ‘oh he is admirable’ type of talk.

There is no moral bound there imo. Just different ways of spending money.

@MissandeiofNaath I’d look at it in terms of spending.
Posters in here seem to think that because it’s giving to charity, then all is allowed and how amazing is that man to think about others . Your first reaction was that it wasn’t necessary for your family so why prioritising them first rather than your family/dcs

In reality, you have a budget.
And you should have some aims for the future - whatever they are, saving for retirement, giving your dcs some money to get on the housing ladder etc….. You should agree with your dh on what those aims are.

Then look at your budget, assign an amount of personal spending money for each of you and you get to spend it the way you want. So he choses to spend it with charities if he wants. You chose your way/what’s important for you.
And all is done in a way that ALSO allows for those long term goals to be achieved.
Because let’s be honest, wanting to support your young adults dcs is not wrong. Most people do it if they can.
Your dh might feel some sense of guilt of having acheive so much vs those who stayed. And he wants to give back. That’s fine too.
I would t dare putting those two wishes on a scale and say that one is more worthy than the other. If that was the case, a lot of people would be giving 10% (or whatever) of the monthly income and they don’t.

It depends. 2k over a year perhaps might not seem that much if he was spending on a hobby for example. Does he over spend in other areas?

If he's a high earner what's the problem?

The issue is shared decision and partnership.
A marriage where big decisions are taken jointly rather than one imposing their view onto the other.
High earner means very little. Because often you also have expense to match (eg a high mortgage). You have different set of expectations (eg I’m helping our dcs start in life vs they are adults now. Their issue not mine etc…)

The OP and her dh seem to have a mismatch of expectations and out their priorities are a different place. They need to talk rather than simply assume ‘oh they can afford it anyway’ @even though the OP also explicitly mentioned they had the tighten their belt too

The issue is shared decision and partnership.

OP could make a shared decision to earn more.

@BlueSkyBlueLifeI don’t this it’s as simple as “his behavior is admirable” though.

Being a positive role model for your family is one way to prioritize your family, isn’t it? He’s showing their children how to appreciate their good fortune in life (born in a first-world country, education, supportive parents, etc.) and to recognize that not everyone has those opportunities.

Giving your children more £ is great, but teaching them to appreciate what they already have will have an even greater impact on their lives.

We all know people who have a positive outlook whatever life throws at them, and I suspect that’s part of what the DH is trying to teach them.

I think he sounds like an awesome chap if it's affordable.

Most economic migrants migrate with the intention of sending money to their homelands, and they have the right to do so when working in the UK.
He seems like he's thinking of those at home and who can blame him? Home is where the heart is. At least he isn't spending money on only fans and gambling.

Many of my friends who are economic immigrants send remittances back to their countries, whether it be to support their families or contribute to charitable organisations.

You can request that he sends less money, but ultimately it is his decision as it is his money! Why not sit him down and have a chat with him about it and see if he's willing to compromise?

Awwww that’s lovely! He sounds like an admirable man. This is the sort of thing people will remember & speak about when he passes away. He’s one of the good ones… leave him be.

How do you imagine a charity does its work without paying staff to do it? Do you think the brightest and the best are going to be able to run a huge national charity full time for free? Do you think research scientists should be unpaid, and do you imagine that will get the best results? Perhaps you feel those specialists should also be doing procurement for their own supplies, writing and distributing their own press releases, answering the phones themselves, rather than getting on with the work of the charity?

I used to be a volunteer trustee for a small local charity. The board was all voluntary but you bet we paid a highly qualified and experienced manager and staff to do the actual on the ground work of the charity alongside a great body of volunteers, because to do otherwise would very clearly have resulted in worse outcomes for the people we were there to help.

Lol 😂😂🤪

That sounds like an answer from one of our conservative politicians. Totally out of step from reality.

It's a nice thing to do & ultimately charities are because of people like your DH with regular / sizeable donations.
I think if you were struggling and missing out on things from your life then it could be an issue, but it doesn't sound like it is.

@BruFord and that’s fair enough. I’m not saying it’s bad either.

But surely, this should be discussed? Like you should have discussed what sort of values you want to teach your dcs etc?

When things aren’t discussed, you end up with mismatched expectations and dreams. This often can breed resentment in the long term. Even if the ‘action’ (like giving to charity) is on paper a really worthy one.

What stood out for me in the Ops post was asking if she should let him. Let him? Wow!

@BlueSkyBlueLife Yes, life is certainly easier if you discuss things first!

I’m assuming that as the OP says that he doesn’t question her about her spending, he views these donations as “his” spending, because he’s orhwrwise very frugal. We don’t have a clear idea of how much the OP spends.

It does sounds as if they need to look at their overall spending and have a calm discussion about it!