Joining a church for the sense of community

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

I was wondering if I could seek some advice please from those of you who are a member of a church.

I am considering joining a church, but I am not sure if I am doing it for the right reasons – I’ll explain a little about my background. I am currently in my late 30s and I have very little family. I have a partner, but we have no children (and are unlikely to). I am also an only child – as is my partner, so no brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces etc between us. Our parents are still alive, but obviously that sadly won’t always be the case. I have a few friends, but nobody who I am extremely close to (however I would like to change that).

I am suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable and scared about how small our support network is. I think I am also quite lonely, and to be honest, I think I also feel a bit ‘worthless’ even. I feel my life doesn’t matter that much because I am not important to many people. I don’t have much of a chance to make a difference to anyone, and I have few places to direct my love. I’d like to think I am quite a kind and caring person. I definitely feel I am thoughtful and considerate.

I think what I am looking for is to be part of a community to try to make up for my lack of family. This is why I have been considering joining a church. Do you think this would be a good idea for someone in my position? I am not really religious, however I do believe in the fundamentals of Christianity at the basic level – being a good person etc. I could possibly become more spiritual too – it’s something I’d be willing to explore.

Do you think I would be welcome at a church? I am thinking maybe The Church of England would be most appropriate. I was christened in a Catholic Church but have never been a practicing Catholic.

If I were able to find the right church for me, I’d hope to be there for life. I’d like to be able to contribute and help others, whilst also creating a bit of a ‘safety net’ for myself (I hope that doesn’t sound too selfish).

Thank you in advance for any thoughts or advice.

I never made friends at exercise classes. Meet up groups are too random. I think volunteer work would be a good route.

I have had a faith for a long time however I think you would still be welcomed at church whatever you think/believe. As others have said, some of the more Evangelical and Pentecostal traditions may have beliefs about women in leadership and homosexuality that might not be for you.

I can only speak about my recent experience ( and I am in a similar situation to you. Single and childless, one sister but no nephews or nieces). I retired in the summer and started attending a midweek communion service at a C of E church ( I'm heading there later this morning). It isn't huge ( about 30 to 40 people). The service is about 40-50 minutes but then they have a coffee morning afterwards. I've been made very welcome and feel comfortable there, even though I am one of the youngest (early retirement on health grounds).

If you don't want to take communion then you can either just stay in your seat or go up to the altar but ask for a blessing and someone will just say a quick prayer of blessing for you.

I've not been asked to do anything yet except for asking if I'd like to be on the electoral roll (not even too sure what this implies but maybe it means you have some say into who gets elected onto the church council) and if I'd like my name to be in the little prayer booklet they have (They put a few people's names against each day of the month and those who want to can use it to pray for a few people each day). I've said no to the former and yes to the latter for now and nobody minded. It was an opportunity rather than a requirement.

I know there is care for people there as they will pray for people in hospital/recently bereaved ( in a general way, not giving lots of details) and people have spoken about going to visit X or y who have been unwell etc.

They support a food bank and I try and take an item of food each week but have not been asked personally to do this. It has just been announced at the end of services that it is really appreciated by the church in the next parish that run the food bank and I wanted to join in.

I've not been asked to commit to doing anything, just if I'd like to come to things eg a Christmas lunch. Opportunities to help are announced in the notices and you can offer if you want to.

I've actually found it easier and more relaxing to belong to than the much larger livelier church I've belong to for decades.

I think there are many different types of church for many different kinds of people. I'd start with the ones most local to you and if they don't suit then try further afield.

I also think you need to understand that, while many churches are welcoming of non-believers, that can be because they have an agenda of their own, ie to bring you into the fold. It's not clear from your op as to whether you believe or not, or whether this is something that you actively want to explore.

I also agree that, in order to benefit from being part of any community, you need to be prepared to give as well as take.

I was too lazy 🤣

OP these are fantastic reasons for going to church. I wish you lived near me, we would welcome you at ours with open arms. One of my best friends is the vicar and she is the kindest person imaginable and everyone is welcome. Do PM me if you need to.

Hi OP, great timing for a thread as I too have been considering joining a church despite not being a believer, I don't think. Like you, the community side of things is what really appeals to me.

However I am a lesbian and I worry about this greatly. But I recently learnt that my wife's grandma's church is run by a gay man so I think i'm going to go along with her and give it a try.

Good luck! You have nothing to lose, and lots to give and gain in return it sounds like.

Life vineyard churches aren't like traditional churches. That's where I found a community and my DS (who has ASD/ADHD) felt most comfortable. They also host meals in the local area and do grassroots sports giveaways for kids football boots/shoes on certain days. It feels like a family which I've never experienced in the past. It's not a judgey place. No one condems anyone. You can stop and have a cuppa afterwards (or during service). They have services streamed on YouTube if you're nervous about it before hand. They have a very successful and inclusive youth kids programme. Kids aren't told to shut up or stay still. People ask after each other and catch up with each other like they're supposed to. It's nice.

I feel exactly the same as an atheist but would like to be part of the community. We are a childless couple (I have an adult child I brought up alone) and I live hundreds of miles from my hometown and friends. I’m also estranged from my huge family and my partners family who live nearer us don’t bother with us ever. So it’s just the two of us plus WFH, we literally go weeks with no one else to speak to.

I’ve lived here in a town about 5 years now and keep trying to pluck up the courage to try something in the church.

But at our last home, lovely village, I tried the same and it was horrendous. I was blanked by the entire congregation and the vicar at a church fund raising event. Was so awful I still get upset about it.

OP - I've often considered the church, for similar reasons as you, but fear I'm not quite religious enough (even though I'm C of E)? So I'm always keeping my eye open for other clubs, societies, organisations etc but it's having the time to try them all!

I'm very sorry this is something that has worried you about church. Those in the congregation and clergy who I have discussed this with before now at our CoE church all feel very frustrated that the church hasn't got this right yet. You would be more than welcome.

I would think really hard as joining the church means certain commitments in values and activities. Yes, it will give your the sense of belonging if you manage to belong. But what if not? A lot of people will say to you that it doesn’t matter so much if you are not fitting in but it will for you as you are joining exactly for this reason : to be part of the group.
I would rather look at what you like to do and try to find the group based on this. It might be a church group still but the activity would be your baseline. E.g you like singing and join church choir or you like clicking and join church soup kitchen. Otherwise you can have a look at local groups some of them have better community and togetherness feel then others.

This is such a friendly supportive thread. But it's sadly eye-opening to see how many of us feel the same with a lack of community.

Thank you for all the latest replies, everyone. You have helped me clarify my thoughts:

• I don't think at this current moment I believe in god. However, I think my mind is quite open. I've honestly been struggling a little with the 'meaning' of life of late. I am not sure if a belief in something 'bigger' would help me as such, but I do think it must be quite comforting.
• I apologise for my clumsy description of the 'fundamentals' of Christianity. I knew I hadn't quite phrased that correctly, but couldn't think how else to put it. I think I described it as 'being a good person' because the couple of people I know who do attend church are very much good people with strong moral values.
• I would definitely be keen to help others and not just take. That is part of the appeal for me. However, as others have suggested, I could possibly do this through other means - volunteering etc.

Absolutely. I’m in a similar position to the OP, it’s just me and DH. I’m an only child with one elderly parent. DH’s family is similar. So I understand how vulnerable the OP feels, no safety net of extended family. I have some nice friends but they have their own families and it would be nice to ‘fit’ somewhere.

@Zimrun , check out the Inclusive Church network (mine is one) here: https://www.inclusive-church.org/ .

@PinkEasterbunny Sorry to hear you are in the same position. I do find it really tough being an only child and having no extended family.

I did actually start another thread a while ago which you might find helpful (it's about finding community more generally rather than church specific): Where to find a strong sense of community and make a difference | Mumsnet

I think for anyone looking for a church you need to try a few to work out which fits you best. I belong to a CofE one and while the people are friendly enough the vicar is a bigot (to put it plainly) as well as not being remotely inclusive. He's pretty much all the things Jesus warns us about in the Bible!
If I was starting again I'd take my own advice and shop around, but unfortunately I'm autistic and struggling to do very much at all so trying out new churches (and ones that offer quiet services that I could cope with are few and far between anyway) is a bit beyond me. I just want somewhere where I can feel part of something and where people might actually talk about their faith (or lack of it) occasionally.

OP I wanted to come back and also say I have volunteered with the trussell trust in one of their foodbanks for the past few years, and it's been a great experience. Definitely recommend if you have an afternoon free, you don't have to commit to every week (some volunteers just do once a month).

@Zimrun Thank you very much. I hope you find the church welcoming and I am glad to hear you have enjoyed your volunteering too. Wishing you all the best.

As an Anglican vicar I would be very happy for you to come along to one of my churches. Several of my congregation have no religious belief at all, others have some, and some take everything on board. I love them all, and those with no faith are just as much a part of the community.
I have no problem with people turning up intermittently, and there is no requirement to do anything other than come and sit on a pew on some Sundays, but if you wanted to help out at events or help with coffee after the service you would be welcome to do so.

@Tiggles that's very good to hear! Does your congregation form a community outside of church services?

Absolutely go for it. The right church will have loads going on that you can choose to join in or leave (though you may need to do a fair bit of shopping around first). If you're near south Manchester I can recommend one.

My Catholic church would make you very welcome! You may need to sample a few to find one that suits you - when I was C of E I attended two over the years that were really cliquey and not welcoming at all.

@PinkEasterbunny
They do form community outside of church. Some of those things people who don't come on a Sunday come along to (eg a book club, doing conservation work in the forest). But there is a strong sense of community if people are ill and need meals cooking, or doing nice things for the community - having afternoons making things to give away etc.

A lot of churches run extremely good outreach ie charity work for and by the locals.

That’s how I found mine. Did a spot of volunteering and a year later have loads of new mates.

C of E. Really nice people, I love it.