Joining a church for the sense of community

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

I was wondering if I could seek some advice please from those of you who are a member of a church.

I am considering joining a church, but I am not sure if I am doing it for the right reasons – I’ll explain a little about my background. I am currently in my late 30s and I have very little family. I have a partner, but we have no children (and are unlikely to). I am also an only child – as is my partner, so no brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces etc between us. Our parents are still alive, but obviously that sadly won’t always be the case. I have a few friends, but nobody who I am extremely close to (however I would like to change that).

I am suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable and scared about how small our support network is. I think I am also quite lonely, and to be honest, I think I also feel a bit ‘worthless’ even. I feel my life doesn’t matter that much because I am not important to many people. I don’t have much of a chance to make a difference to anyone, and I have few places to direct my love. I’d like to think I am quite a kind and caring person. I definitely feel I am thoughtful and considerate.

I think what I am looking for is to be part of a community to try to make up for my lack of family. This is why I have been considering joining a church. Do you think this would be a good idea for someone in my position? I am not really religious, however I do believe in the fundamentals of Christianity at the basic level – being a good person etc. I could possibly become more spiritual too – it’s something I’d be willing to explore.

Do you think I would be welcome at a church? I am thinking maybe The Church of England would be most appropriate. I was christened in a Catholic Church but have never been a practicing Catholic.

If I were able to find the right church for me, I’d hope to be there for life. I’d like to be able to contribute and help others, whilst also creating a bit of a ‘safety net’ for myself (I hope that doesn’t sound too selfish).

Thank you in advance for any thoughts or advice.

As an atheist I would consider attending a Quaker meeting. One of the ones where you just sit in silence together for an hour.

Or maybe AA (I don't have a drink problem, but my alcoholic sister has made a wonderful network of friends through AA over the past decade).

I’m sorry your relatives experienced this. My gran went to a Methodist Church for several decades when she moved to a new area in her late 60s. She put a lot in to the church and in turn they were wonderful with her. She was over a 100 when she died and had been in a nursing home for a few years, but still a very good number from the church came to her funeral. She was an amazing person, but also I think it was a very unpretentious community, it wasn’t a wealthy area and no-one was attending for show, or to get into a school etc.

I'm in the same position too OP, except with I'm quite a bit older, no partner, and my parents have already gone, and I have been thinking of doing the same thing. Good luck.

I started attending church after I found faith as an adult and it took a while to find the right fit. I tried a very busy local evangelical church that seemed welcoming but was actually very militant and cliquey , but it took a long time to see that! I am now at a city centre Church of England church. There are lots of visitors and people coming for a bit and then moving on, as well as a core congregation who are more permanent. It is very friendly and there is no pressure, and it is genuinely a broad church with a variety of beliefs accepted. It is the one that works for me and I have found a real sense of community that has enriched my life.

You may want to try services at a few churches to see which feels right. Or think about an alpha course at a church that appeals. It would be a good way to find out the church view on faith before you get more involved and whether you feel that it's a set of views you are comfortable with. There is a huge range from eg 'creation is a poem in the bible but obviously science is right' to 'the world and all life as it js now was literally created in a week'. Church of England is becoming more accepting of same sex relationships and women in church, but this is not the case everywhere. All stuff to think about.

We are at the other end of the country but you would be welcomed with open arms at our church. Even if you don't believe, we would feel that God has called you to the church and it is for everyone.

I’ve found Cathedrals very welcoming, and of course have a massive amount of things going on/ people to make connections with.

Durham might be a bit different with the students, but maybe have a look there?

You sound a little lost and in need of friendships. We go to church because we are spiritual but finding the right church took a while! We've been to several and settled on a community church - there's alot of outreach within the community so events to attend and get involved with. I personally didn't like c of e. Exploring faith might be good for you.

In other areas, have you considered joining any committees? Or volunteer work? Guides or brownies leader. I hope you find a welcoming church 🙂

You can do that without being confirmed. We used to when we went to c of e - the vicar invites everyone to do so.

I’m fascinated to hear that many attendees don’t believe. Surely the whole point is worship? It sounds like there is a real need for community and companionship that isn’t being met otherwise.

I'm sure that many churches would welcome you, OP.

FWIW, I don't agree that the fundamentals of Christianity have anything to do with "being a good person". The fundamentals of Christianity are a belief in God and a belief that Jesus was the son of God and that he died on the cross "for our sins". If you're bought into that, then you will probably feel at home in the church. If you're not, you may find that the cognitive dissonance that you experience is too much for you. It's a very personal thing.

I do understand your wish to be part of a wider community, and if church is the right fit for you, then great. But I think it would be worth considering whether some of the other options that have been suggested on this thread already might be a better way of finding the community that you're looking for.

For me personally I would join WI, book group, exercise classes, evening classes etc.

I used to be on 'meet up' bit too busy now, really enjoyed it though

You could, yes

Some clever bishop worded it better but something like "the church is the only organisation that exists for the benefit of those who are NOT its members"

Get yourself along, and see

Go for it! You are not alone in exploring church as a source of community. If you are after 'community' more than the 'faith/God" part then you may want to look at a liberal church community. You may want to shop around. Good luck!

Do it ☺️

PS I know of a few Ministers/Clergy who really enjoy it when athiests come!

I think there's a massive difference between a church being welcoming and it offering the family-like support the OP seems to be after.
Regular congregants (especially those who are youngish and fit/healthy) are dwindling across all churches in the UK. My DM is a committee member of her church, but she has to dedicate so much time to activities (to try to recruit/welcome one off-ers), set up activities, give lifts to elderly congregants, lead youth/craft/pensioner lunches. She does so much but is very aware that there is a clear hierarchy (she has only been a member for 40 years, others are second generation) and she feels extremely resentful and taken advantage of. Newcomers wouldn't get any more support than a friendly welcome in church and perhaps a text if they hadn't seen you in a few weeks.

The Quakers might be another option. No faith needed, very welcoming and friendly.

I was in a similar position in my 20s so joined a church which some friends were members of and spent a lot of time socialising with and through and being supported by. I quickly realised two things. First, that they were all much more religious than I was (and that my friends appeared to be in a non-religious environment) and that, whilst I was a token CofE and enjoy a theological discussion, I wasn't comfortable with stepping up a level and having social occasions involve prayers and that sort of thing. Secondly, and I really should have realised this before, you're only ever going to be at the heart of a community if you're willing to contribute to that community. You can't just take. Within any community, there are always going to be people going through a tough time and needing support. That's just life. Within an established community, those people's needs will take priority over a new member as those people already have needs. Within the church community I joined, there seemed a disproportionate number of people needing support (or perhaps it was just such a supportive environment that they felt they could be more open) and so those who were able to support needed to be very giving. Of course, these weren't mutually exclusive groups. One of the members had various mental health issues and challenges from that meaning he was unable to work. He had been a painter & decorator &, if he was up to it, was the first to volunteer if someone was moving house and would do an amazing job. Other members who were prone to depression but were stable were able to really support those going through a bout of depression.
You could join a church but it might be that another organisation which a solid core of members and regular meet up times offers something similar but without the religion. Several friends get this from sports clubs.

It depends what’s in your local area. I volunteer at a community garden. Some people socialise outside of the sessions and keep meeting for pub quizzes etc over the winter. It’s lovely.

Yes sports clubs can be really good, anyone I know who joined a running club got a lot of support from other members and affairs were widely available too.

You can be a Quaker, or attend Quaker Meeting, whatever your inner faith is - there are non-theistic Quakers, Sikh, Buddhist ones, catholic, Protestant, etc, we really do all meld together and are very friendly towards newcomers. There will be a Meeting near you, it’s easy to research and from my first attendance I felt welcome and accepted. Many people attend a CofE service and Quaker as well. Also - we are actually known as Friends, that’s how important the concept is.

I am a non believer so personally would look for other options to build a community around me as I would want to meet likeminded people, but I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you want to do. Other ways of doing it for me would be volunteering in the local branch of organisations I believe in, like Nourish, Parkrun and Samaritans (not for everyone, I appreciate that). I'd probably join art/craft classes & groups, my local knitting/crochet group, Rock Choir, amateur dramatics, etc. I mean you could try these options in addition to the church. You have to stick with it and persevere for a really long time before you finally feel a sense of belonging and community. It takes time.

Oh, and absolutely what @dancinginthewind said. You need to go in with the mindset of supporting your community, not the other way around. The rest will take care of itself.

I’m sure that an Elim church would actively welcome the OP, but underneath the biscuits and Christian rock music it has a set of beliefs that are really rather out of step with modern society:

Complementarian views of women; men are the head of a household.

The last time I looked there was one, just one, woman on the large national leadership team.The rest were almost entirely white men.

Tithing and pressure for donations - look at their annual accounts to see how much they raise in donations!

As a Pentecostal church it teaches that unbelievers will not be saved and are therefore going to hell. I heard that directly from an Elim regional superintendent in his preaching.

Oh and they are really not too keen on homosexuality either!

@Strawberriesandpears
I hope you find what you are looking for. I suspect that a CofE church will be your best bet (as the belief requirements are so minimal!), but there are lots of secular alternatives.

@Tilllly
William Temple. I knew the quote but yes I did have to Google to check who said it 😁