Joining a church for the sense of community

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

I was wondering if I could seek some advice please from those of you who are a member of a church.

I am considering joining a church, but I am not sure if I am doing it for the right reasons – I’ll explain a little about my background. I am currently in my late 30s and I have very little family. I have a partner, but we have no children (and are unlikely to). I am also an only child – as is my partner, so no brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces etc between us. Our parents are still alive, but obviously that sadly won’t always be the case. I have a few friends, but nobody who I am extremely close to (however I would like to change that).

I am suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable and scared about how small our support network is. I think I am also quite lonely, and to be honest, I think I also feel a bit ‘worthless’ even. I feel my life doesn’t matter that much because I am not important to many people. I don’t have much of a chance to make a difference to anyone, and I have few places to direct my love. I’d like to think I am quite a kind and caring person. I definitely feel I am thoughtful and considerate.

I think what I am looking for is to be part of a community to try to make up for my lack of family. This is why I have been considering joining a church. Do you think this would be a good idea for someone in my position? I am not really religious, however I do believe in the fundamentals of Christianity at the basic level – being a good person etc. I could possibly become more spiritual too – it’s something I’d be willing to explore.

Do you think I would be welcome at a church? I am thinking maybe The Church of England would be most appropriate. I was christened in a Catholic Church but have never been a practicing Catholic.

If I were able to find the right church for me, I’d hope to be there for life. I’d like to be able to contribute and help others, whilst also creating a bit of a ‘safety net’ for myself (I hope that doesn’t sound too selfish).

Thank you in advance for any thoughts or advice.

It's really nice to read about positive experiences. I have only had negative ones but I'm catholic, maybe that has something to do with it. It's definitely reassuring to hear people have been welcomed. I don't feel ready to try other churches just yet, I think I've been put off. OP I hope you find a place that fits. I can understand the wanting to belong feeling.

Thanks. I used to attend church in my youth, but gave up somewhere along the way, so it's not really a matter to finding a church but more of a re-joining thing.

I've done several of those things over the years, but while the people were nice they didn't become friends as such, more just people I met once a week for a shared interest. Churches to me seem to be more of a community.

I started going to a playgroup at my local church, went regularly with my little one, then returned with my newest.
Probably on my second round I was more confident, knew a bit of the natural rhythm of the church.
We now go Mondays for club, Thursdays for lunch, sometimes even Tuesdays for reflection.
I have cooked on Thursdays, help out in Monday's, muck in through holiday clubs etc.
I've always been clear when asked that I am not a follower of religion but in a situation where I had no direction then there could be far worse places to start than with 'what would Jesus do'.
They are now some of my best friends, advocates and support.
I don't pretend to pray, Im happy to have the conversations, and it's absolutely a pleasure to be involved and to share, and find comfort in those people and that place.
I say go for it. X

@IloveAslan You have a good Christian username though! 🙂

Is there a church near you with a bell tower? You could learn bell ringing. Attendance at church is not required, but plenty of course do.

I don't, but have been ringing twice a week for 40 years. ( I started at 12)

@Abracadabra12345

Completely irrelevant. I have had the experiences I spoke of, so WTF is your point?

@Strawberriesandpears Ignore that poster who appears to be suggesting that no Church in the world can possibly behave like the ones I have attended. The pushiness and wanting you join in everything - and give every bit of your spare time absolutely DOES happen. It has happened to every Church I have attended.

The fact it has apparently NEVER happened to abracadaba12345 is irrelevant. It has happened to me, and many others, and it may well happen to to. Yeah you may get lucky and find a Church that doesn't want you to do anything but attend twice a month, but they will be the exception rather than the rule.

You can always try and join a Church and see how it goes, and I am not trying to put you off going to Church. BUT as I said, I am just putting a different slant on things, and warning you that some Churches are quite intense and rather pushy, and even though they welcome you and are happy to let you into their community, it does often come at a price. And that will be you giving quite a bit of your spare time and energy to the Church.

As I said, I don't want to say 'DO NOT GO!!!' Not at all, as as i said earlier you could try a few different Churches. But I am just being honest about my own experiences.

Good luck. xx

.

Thank you for confirming exactly what I was telling the OP, before @Abracadabra12345 said it never happens! (The Churches wanting you to give a lot of your time and energy to the Church! And wanting you to join in with everything, and help with loads of events!)

It's absolutely fine if this is what you want. It was not for me. If you want it, that's fine. I found it all too intense and time-consuming, when I already have a very busy life and career and family and friends and hobbies.

The OP even said at 14.36 yesterday that she wouldn't be able to give that kind of commitment that I warned her MAY be expected, and you have also confirmed it.

As I said @Strawberriesandpears many Churches will be as I described, but you may get lucky and find one that is not so intense and full-on, and doesn't demand much of your time and energy.

It may be worth dipping your toe in, and giving it a go. If you find them too much, then just stop going.

As you said, (and I agree,) SOME Churches are probably more suitable for people with much less commitments (ie, people who are retired!)

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I have never found true warmth or genuine people in any church of England. What you need is a non-denominational church with variety of ages , family types and nationalities. Find one like that and you won't be sorry, believe me;

Guitar types churches also

Thank you very much again everyone. I really appreciate you all sharing your different experiences - both the good and the not so good! This has been a really useful insight.

🤗 Best of luck @Strawberriesandpears

Thank you @SweetBirdsong 😊

You can't really generalise that all Church of England churches will be so unwelcoming - CofE covers a huge range of different church styles. The CofE church I go to is very diverse - white British people are in the minority, we have young families, loads of children, older people, students and we have guitars for worship! Plus drums, keyboards, fiddles and a saxophone.

Nothing to do with being a Christian - it's my cat's name!

So you've been to every CofE church in the world then? I'm impressed.

Any sensible church will welcome someone who is respectful and interested in what they do. I'm a convert to Catholicism so I'd also say don't rule out the Catholic Church.

Following as I have had the same thought. In particular for my DC, who is very isolated as an only child.

IloveAslan · Today 00:22

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · Yesterday 22:19

I have never found true warmth or genuine people in any church of England. What you need is a non-denominational church with variety of ages , family types and nationalities. Find one like that and you won't be sorry, believe me;

Guitar types churches also
So you've been to every CofE church in the world then? I'm impressed.

yep, staffed by people there for the money, free accomodation, never offering real friendship to anyone apart to other members of staff. Mocking the outsider, the foreigner, the poor, or instead including you, they just smile with a fake smile and only have one word: are you ok? Are you ok? - yes, I am bloody ok, I might not be as rich as you, but I was looking for friends

To the poster: if you are English , go to any church with predominantly English people. If you are foreign, please, go to a non denominational church with variety of nationalities, family types, incomes and ages - the love will be real

That's really sad that you've felt that way at the CofE churches you've attended. It really isn't representative of any of the CofE churches I am familiar with. How you have described the non-denominational church is how our church is. On a Sunday morning we worship in Farsi, Nepali, Swahili, Arabic and English, we share lunch after the service every week, we have people of all ages and backgrounds, wealthy and not - it feels like a real family, loads of kids running around.

Despite not being religious myself, I often attend church and cathedrals and have found the most exceptional playgroup organised by elderly women at a church.

The idea of embracing Christianity has crossed my mind but with the ongoing Tech Revolution, it feels somewhat absurd!

@IloveAslan Named after Aslan from The lion, the witch and the wardrobe? A representation of Jesus 😉

@Strawberriesandpears

I don't do much at all there at the moment as other things have taken over in life so limit it to the annual service and baking some cakes mainly- but without doing what I did do I wouldn't have made the friends who I often see to socialise.

But other things that can be done are helping with homeless shelter, maintaining churchyard, helping with the technical side (mics/streaming services/slides), playing music, toddler group, youth church, film night, a party every season, teas and coffees, helping with fete, flowers, handing out service sheets, serving at alter, bell ringing, choir and I'm sure loads more.

I guess it's about finding the right church as obviously others have had other experiences, it's just not anything like mine and plenty of people just attend services (for school applications!) and they are equally welcome. I have never seen or heard of anyone feeling badgered or felt obliged to help in any way they weren't happy with.

Okay, so you answered my question: So you've been to every CofE church in the world then? - with the word "yep". I don't think you actually read the question 😂

I have belonged to CofE churches for my whole life, and while I'm not a regular churchgoer I do have friends who are, and your experience is totally different to mine. I'm sorry you have not found your place, but to tar every church with the same brush is frankly an insult to the many, many, good and welcoming people who exist in CofE churches. Who are these people who are there for the free accomodation and the money? Where I live the only people who are paid and get accomodation are the vicars, and they are only a part of the church community. I'm also struggling to understand why you think every CofE church does not have a variety of ages, family types, and nationalities?

Yes, I do realise that, but he has that name simply because he looks like a lion.