Joining a church for the sense of community

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

I was wondering if I could seek some advice please from those of you who are a member of a church.

I am considering joining a church, but I am not sure if I am doing it for the right reasons – I’ll explain a little about my background. I am currently in my late 30s and I have very little family. I have a partner, but we have no children (and are unlikely to). I am also an only child – as is my partner, so no brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces etc between us. Our parents are still alive, but obviously that sadly won’t always be the case. I have a few friends, but nobody who I am extremely close to (however I would like to change that).

I am suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable and scared about how small our support network is. I think I am also quite lonely, and to be honest, I think I also feel a bit ‘worthless’ even. I feel my life doesn’t matter that much because I am not important to many people. I don’t have much of a chance to make a difference to anyone, and I have few places to direct my love. I’d like to think I am quite a kind and caring person. I definitely feel I am thoughtful and considerate.

I think what I am looking for is to be part of a community to try to make up for my lack of family. This is why I have been considering joining a church. Do you think this would be a good idea for someone in my position? I am not really religious, however I do believe in the fundamentals of Christianity at the basic level – being a good person etc. I could possibly become more spiritual too – it’s something I’d be willing to explore.

Do you think I would be welcome at a church? I am thinking maybe The Church of England would be most appropriate. I was christened in a Catholic Church but have never been a practicing Catholic.

If I were able to find the right church for me, I’d hope to be there for life. I’d like to be able to contribute and help others, whilst also creating a bit of a ‘safety net’ for myself (I hope that doesn’t sound too selfish).

Thank you in advance for any thoughts or advice.

Have you thought about looking to see if you have a community garden near you @Strawberriesandpears ?

I joined one when I moved to a new area and found a great little community through it, with links to other communities in the town.

Sorry to hear you are dissatisfied with your small support circle OP. By all means do go along to a local church and see if this develops into a good community for you. However I'd also suggest that if it is friendships and community you are after, then there may be alternatives to conside if you feel that church doesn't bring this for you.

Volunteering (eg at a foodbank or local community litter pick) or joining a group (eg a choir or running club) are also places to meet new people and joining in with a shared activity breaks the ice and gives some easy ways to start up conversations.

Going to church means being part of a church family where everyone pulls their weight and works together. The people who get the most out of going to church are those who are willing to help out with what needs doing to keep the church going. Someone has to serve tea and coffee, set up the church, help with Alpha courses, wash up. You are not going to build lifelong friendships and support networks by treating church as a fun, spiritual Sunday morning activity that you turn up for at 10.30 and leave straight after coffee, that is more like being a consumer than a family member.
As a Christian, you don't just go to church for what you can get out of it, to satisfy your own spiritual needs, but for what you can give to other people, your Christian brothers and sisters - you may have a life full of family, hobbies and friends and therefore not need to go to church, but if everyone who felt like that didn't bother going to church, what would the church be like for the people for whom church is their family.

@MissPeachyKeen @Schoolchoicesucks Thank you very much for those suggestions. I am definitely interested in building my 'community' by other means too.

@NannyR I totally understand and appreciate what you mean. I think to some extent, being involved in the 'extra-curricular' kind of activities of the church and helping others appeals to me more than the services. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing!

@SweetBirdsong this isn't my experience at all. I regularly go and have never been pressured or felt obliged to give more time that I willingly do. I organise a children's event every year and helped (on a voluntary rota) with catering for the children's service that I was going to anyway and was very willing to contribute sometimes. Everything I've done I've volunteered for - we are asked but normally via email or sign up sheet so easy to get more involved if we want.

I don't believe but I like going anyway and have made some very good friends there.

@sunflowerdaisyrose That sounds very positive - glad you have managed to make some good friends too.

Do you mind me asking what other kind of volunteering opportunities your church offers? I am just trying to get a sense of the kind of things I could possibly get involved with. Thank you.

@aitchteeaitch You made me smile with the line 'I can report that God appears not to have minded in the slightest.! 😁

Maybe try a non denominational evangelical? They usually have lots of community stuff going on. The New Frontiers umbrella group has lots of good ones

You'd be very welcome in our church. We are made to be in community and to share life's ups and downs. You'd be able to just turn up, or volunteer to help with various things like serving coffee - the kitchen is a great way to build relationships, maintenance, cooking meals, offering lifts, singing in the Christmas choir, doing the sound desk etc. There are many people who go to church regularly who aren't sure if they are christians- maybe they are exploring, maybe just listening, maybe they enjoy the peace or the music or the sermon. All welcome.

@sunflowerdaisyrose · Today 16:31

@SweetBirdsongthis isn't my experience at all. I regularly go and have never been pressured or felt obliged to give more time that I willingly do. I organise a children's event every year and helped (on a voluntary rota) with catering for the children's service that I was going to anyway and was very willing to contribute sometimes. Everything I've done I've volunteered for - we are asked but normally via email or sign up sheet so easy to get more involved if we want.

I don't believe but I like going anyway and have made some very good friends there.

@sunflowerdaisyrose Read your post back to yourself, and then read mine again... Your post is a bit of an oxymoron.

It sounds like this 'isn't your experience' because you are clearly going quite regularly, joining in with stuff quite regularly, and helping to organise things, and pretty much doing what they want. I did not want to do all this and get regularly involved as you are clearly doing, because I have a busy life/hobbies/friends/work ... I just wanted to attend one or two services a month and shoot off after the end and see them in 2 weeks.

But they didn't want that. They wanted me to be involved more - like you are! If you only popped in once or twice a month for a service or two for an hour, you would find my experience very likely WOULD be your experience too. They are not 'badgering' you, because you're already very involved in activities and volunteering for them!

I found what they wanted from me - too intrusive and time consuming to cope with, and as I said I withdrew, after about a year and a half. They were too pushy and intense.

You are clearly quite involved and go regularly, so you really aren't in the right place to say you get asked to do stuff but can't/don't want to. (Because you're already doing it!)

Some people say 'if people didn't help/get involved with running the Church, it wouldn't be there for people who CBA and just want to pop in once or twice a month. If that becomes the case, I will withdraw completely and not go. I won't be emotionally blackmailed into going more/getting involved more.

.

Hey OP. I'm part of the Elim network of churches. Any near you would welcome you (mine near Glasgow with a Tunnocks caramel wafer, I can't speak for the quality of biscuits near Essex).

The demographic is young - lots of us 30s/40s - and anyone is welcome, whatever your personal beliefs.

Wherever you end up, I hope you find a community that offers the support you need.

@TheSnarlingCat please don’t worry about services with singing. You don’t need to sing. It does help if you can tolerate other people having a go though.
No one cares whether you tunefully sing your heart out (me), silently move your lips a bit, or groan in time to the music (DH). We have a lovely lady who sings enthusiastically out of tune, and claps out of time and just generally goes for it heart and soul.
Every church is different but you would fit it better than me- I have to dial it back in places I don’t know until I’ve picked up the vibe!

Just to give another view, and please forgive me if I've read your post wrong OP, but I feel you are looking for some sort of community with a view to support in the future when you may need it as you get older? I have elderly relatives who both attended the same church (different churches) for their entire adult life. Neither received any support when they needed it when they got older. It was quite disappointing to see after all they had done throughout their lives. On the other hand, I have seen a real community and supportive environment from people who have joined a WI. Maybe this is something you could also look at?

Why don't you look at something like voluntary work in a cause you are interested in .. foodbank/soup kitchen... Environmental? Local wildlife..local Library...
It can be easier to make a community and feel connected without going to a church... And people there will be doing things often as have similar interests so easier to connect to

Thank you for all the latest replies everyone.

@UngratefulOldCabbage Yes, you are reading it right. That is very sad that your elderly relatives were not supported by their church. I am considering the WI too - my Mum is currently a member. She doesn't go to many of the 'sub groups' or anything, but she says that for some members it's a real life line and they have as much company as they need, and presumably some support too.

I grew up going to church with my mum as a baptist christian, but don't really believe. I debate...not infrequently about finding and attending church again, not out of any desire to be close to God, but for the family and community.

Rarely (like for the midnight carol service at Christmas) I will go back to my mum's church. While over the years fewer people recognise me, I'm still welcomed back.

If you do decide to go - don't write off the idea from the first church you visit. I remember when I moved with my mum, and we were finding a new church - we went to several before we found one. Different churches feel different - while generally all will make you feel welcome at the door, it can sometimes feel more or less welcoming in other areas. You also are under no obligation to keep going after a few weeks.

Easter might be quite a nice time actually to get to know a church - there's probably various events on and you'll get an idea on who's volunteering/expectations.

It depends I think on the church how many or few obligations you take on. Some churches will almost expect everyone to pitch in, and have many a rota for all sorts of tasks, with the expectation you're on at least 1.

Others will have the same stalwarts where it might actually feel difficult to get even a glance at doing something.

Many others will be a nice balance, where the congregation is mixed, with an understanding that the support you offer and take changes with seasons of your life. My mum always did and does quite a lot...but equally there were families that attended the service and nothing more (not even the tea/coffee at the end).

so am I. Come to my church!

Seriously, I know for a fact we have people like that. My own belief is largely based on the "it works because we made it" idea (all very metaphysical and most people - on both sides - would probably roll their eyes at me) and I still remember one woman who'd been attending every week for years before I arrived saying "well, if it is true..."

I have a negative view of the church after my child was discriminated against at a very religious c of e school because of his disability by the headteacher. Hopefully God will pick it up with her at a later date......

Maybe look at doing something you enjoy? Many people make good friends doing a hobby they enjoy. Such as biking, horse riding etc. volunteer at an animal charity. Find people with similar interests, and you're more likely to become friends.

I've been going to different churches for 20 years and have never had the experience of @SweetBirdsong!

I would look at more progressive churches. They tend to be friendlier and inclusive. They often have lots of activities too. I would consider some volunteering too. Any type really but it might help to fill out your free time and be part of a team. Lots of flexibility in volunteering nowadays.

@Strawberriesandpears actually I think some kind of community work or volunteering may be better. Or joining a sports club where you can develop friendships with other people. The thing with church is that the whole experience revolves around religious belief which can be very heavy if you’re not accustomed to it or even view it with a bit of cynicism. I didn’t go to church as a child so the praying in public at house group felt very awkward and I struggled to find the right language. Going to be honest, I felt like an imposter because my Christian beliefs weren’t formed at that point. HTH

The church would completely welcome you! Our church does a lovely monthly service called 3@4 (third Sunday of the month at 4pm) which is more relaxed, not as formal, and it has great attendance, lot of families also go here. Generally also morning services in a church are lovely, the Wardens are likely to introduce themselves too if they realise you are new to welcome you. Good luck op, great idea

We're Catholic, and our church would 100% be happy to have you. Faith is a very personal thing - I can't see anyone questioning you about it, certainly not where we are, so you'd just find a group of people who were glad to see you every week.

Not every church is as friendly, so it might be worth shopping around, as it were, to find one that makes you feel welcome and comfortable - especially if you're looking for a real community. We used to go to a church that was beautiful but cold and unfriendly - our church now is modern and not hugely pretty, but the people make it a wonderful place to be.

Very interesting question OP. I have often wondered this for the same reasons, very small, to non existent network

But I am atheist! So couldnt consider joining a church, or could I?

Thank you for all the latest replies everyone. They have been really interesting to read.