Joining a church for the sense of community

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

I was wondering if I could seek some advice please from those of you who are a member of a church.

I am considering joining a church, but I am not sure if I am doing it for the right reasons – I’ll explain a little about my background. I am currently in my late 30s and I have very little family. I have a partner, but we have no children (and are unlikely to). I am also an only child – as is my partner, so no brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces etc between us. Our parents are still alive, but obviously that sadly won’t always be the case. I have a few friends, but nobody who I am extremely close to (however I would like to change that).

I am suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable and scared about how small our support network is. I think I am also quite lonely, and to be honest, I think I also feel a bit ‘worthless’ even. I feel my life doesn’t matter that much because I am not important to many people. I don’t have much of a chance to make a difference to anyone, and I have few places to direct my love. I’d like to think I am quite a kind and caring person. I definitely feel I am thoughtful and considerate.

I think what I am looking for is to be part of a community to try to make up for my lack of family. This is why I have been considering joining a church. Do you think this would be a good idea for someone in my position? I am not really religious, however I do believe in the fundamentals of Christianity at the basic level – being a good person etc. I could possibly become more spiritual too – it’s something I’d be willing to explore.

Do you think I would be welcome at a church? I am thinking maybe The Church of England would be most appropriate. I was christened in a Catholic Church but have never been a practicing Catholic.

If I were able to find the right church for me, I’d hope to be there for life. I’d like to be able to contribute and help others, whilst also creating a bit of a ‘safety net’ for myself (I hope that doesn’t sound too selfish).

Thank you in advance for any thoughts or advice.

The right church would absolutely welcome you. They probably wouldn't accept you as a member (for communion purposes), but there's absolutely no mandate that only members may attend.

If you were in Essex I could recommend a church which is exactly what you're looking for.

Thank you @UnravellingTheWorld Unfortunately I am not near Essex, but I appreciate that.

Of course you will be welcomed! The c of e is very broad so if you don't get along with one try another church. Some will have younger congregations too

I strongly suggest you invest a few Sunday mornings to attend local services and find a community that wholeheartedly welcomes you. You were baptised as Catholic give it a go. If you like and feel inspired and want to deepen your faith, it’d be easy to prepare for first communion and fully engage with the service. Do not be put off if you don’t like a service and/community, try another! It can be a very uplifting part of your life. Go for it!

I agree that the right church would welcome you with open arms, and CofE is a good start if you don't feel drawn to the Catholic church because it has loads of people like you - because it's the "established" church of the land many congregants are not really religious-religious but in it because they always have been, or there for the traditions, the music, and the community. You will find much of it familiar having been baptized Catholic.

If a church isn't really your thing you could also join a non-religious community group that helps, in various ways. In our area I know people who are involved in homeless outreach, the foodbank, and our local family support charity. That wouldn't give you personally quite as much of a safety net but it would put you in touch with a group of people who are helpers, and if you put time and effort into the group, they would be likely to be a good network for you if you needed them. It could also be a hobby club, for instance our local rugby club rallied round with meals, babysitting and school runs etc when one of the parent volunteer coaches was ill for a few months.

Go for it! You may also find opportunities for volunteering, which can help you get to know individuals better. These don't have to be overtly religious - it could be churchyard maintenance, or serving coffee.

Thank you for all the input so far everyone - really appreciate it.

Where about are you? I’m sure someone on here could recommend a place nearby. At our church we have people who come for many different reasons - all are welcome

@IncognitoUsername I am in County Durham.

I found out after they died (from the vicar!) that the organist at my local church was a non believer. It didn’t stop them playing and being a valued member of the congregation for 30 years!

@TheFlis Aww that's great!

I feel the same. In fact a few weeks ago I attended a midweek service at a church near me, I might go again tomorrow. Its a spoken service as I do not do singing of any kind, am painfully shy and was bullied for it when a kid. I think I do believe in something but I do not know what, and I too am incredibly lonely, I only have my DH, we are both getting on a bit and I panic if he dies first, I will be totally alone. I have tried to volunteer but they all want references and I have not one person to ask. I have no friends. I do not work due to ill health.

Anyway at the church I just went in and sat down, there were quite a few people there and the vicar came and said hello, (I did not tell him that it was my first time ever in a church in my 50s😂) I just listened to the sermon and once over I shook hands with a few people and left. I think if I start going regularly it might enable me to get more involved and talk to people more.

I was in exactly your situation re. lack of family (death and estrangement), OP though was a non-church-going believer in God - very much so. Then moved to a rural village and found attending church such a good experience. Because I was in an anti-family state of mind, I was not looking for anything from others, especially not a family vibe, so had no expectations there. What I found was quiet acceptance and warmth. That has since developed into warm working and friendly relationships within the church, doing things like being on the parochial church council, being appreciated for who I am as well as anything I do.
Find a church you like, and check out their theology before you get in too deep. I say this as there are some male headship churches even a few in the C of E that hide the fact - not made clear on their websites, etc. and congregants sometimes find out too late after they are committed, that the church restricts women, and teaches female submission. Yes, really!

With those provisos, go for it, but not with high expectations - in fact a 'love-bombing' church would be quite suspicious I think. A slow build up of sound friendships is better. If you don't expect much, you may well be pleasantly surprised.

Absolutely! Go for it

@Strawberriesandpears I was in the same situation. Only child, no family locally and a toddler, desperate to meet similar minded folk, so I joined a very vibrant c/e church with a large congregation, lots of young families, decent crèche and school age provision during services.

We ended up going for about 12 years in total and I actually found the whole experience a bit dispiriting. I got quite involved in church life, joined a house group, volunteered with the playgroup, helped with coffees after the service. Did I get to know people, find a community ? Not really. I made a couple of nice acquaintances that I chatted to, sat with in services, met at house group but generally I felt it was quite a cliquey set up. Very middle class, lots of families who’d gone for generations, were friends, holidayed together, chatted with the vicar who knew all their kids by name. Many of the older folk kept themselves to themselves too.
What complicated it and poisoned it a bit for me was the fact that many newcomers came purely to get their children into a local primary and secondary school. I wasn’t aware of this as I was relatively new to the area but was tarred with the same brush. I went without my partner too so I guess we weren’t seen as the typical nuclear family so weere taken even less seriously !
I would say, chose your church carefully. Visit several to get the vibe. Some are traditional, others very informal and happy clappy.

@TheSnarlingCat I am sorry to hear you are in this position too - it is tough. I hope things look up for you soon and going to church continues to be a positive experience.

@motorbunny and @EffieeBriest Thank you for sharing your personal experiences too.

I'm in my late thirties and started going to Evensong in September 2022. I'm the youngest there by quite a long way (apart from a child in the choir) but I do feel a really strong sense of community. Everyone is so friendly and genuinely happy to see me, there are events a few times a year and I stop and have a little chat if I bump into anyone out and about. I love it! I moved to the area in 2016, but this is the only place outside of my children's school where I really feel involved in the community.

You'd be very welcome in many churches. Obviously faith is an important aspect of church life but what our faith means to us and how we express that will be different for each person. I love my church community - they did things like make meals for us when my son was poorly and sent flowers when a family member died. We have socials and laugh together. I also have a strong faith but there is space for everyone including those who are unsure or questioning.

Putting a different slant on this @Strawberriesandpears

First of all, other posters are absolutely correct that many C of E Churches will welcome you very warmly, and take you into their community.

However... IME you have to really be committed in many cases. Every Church I have 'joined' in all the areas I have lived, are friendly and welcoming, but they aren't keen on people just popping in on a Sunday every few weeks. And it won't be long, before they are expecting you to start coming in half hour early (and stay half hour extra) to help with tea and coffees and biscuits and cakes. (And 'set up' the Church for visitors.)

They also expect people to help with flower-arranging, and cleaning, and also with any fetes or markets (or any events) they have.

Also they have prayer mornings and evenings, and Alpha courses, and mid week Communion (as well as a Sunday one once a month,) and mum and baby group, and Evensong, and family services etc. As well as all the Easter and Christmas ones... And they expect help with weddings and Christenings...

They try to encourage people to go on Church courses, to speak in the Church/do readings etc, and they have fairly regular trips, and 'bring and share (food) meetings' at peoples homes, and occasionally it will be your home they will want to do it at.

They also try to encourage you to visit people in the community, who may be a bit housebound, or lonely, and may need company - even if said person has expressed no interest in the Church - to try and offer company and friendship, and encourage them into the Church.

I was told one time some 9-10 years ago, to go and knock on the door of the woman at No. 10 High Street (in her mid 30s, 2 young kids, husband had left her a month ago,) to offer friendship as she may be lonely. I was like and and thought 'what am I gonna say? Hey there, I heard you were lonely and unhappy after your husband left, can I come in and chat about it with you?' If it were me I would tell said person calling to piss off and mind their own business.

Although I have my (Christian) faith/relationship with Jesus, I'm afraid I can't give to the Church what they want and desire... And that's me at their beck and call, helping, and giving my time and effort to the Church, and giving it 100%.

Unfortunately, I am too busy with work and family and hobbies and friends, and can only give a little to the Church, so I have had to withdraw. I now only go Easter, Christmas, Armistice, and Celebration Praise etc.. and the occasional Communion. Like about 6 times a year, when many others go (who don't go a lot...)

But I think that it's an ideal place for someone who is very lonely. So if you are very lonely as you say, and looking for friends, and company and you want to give a lot of your time, then the C of E Church is the place for you.

I mean, they are not going to expect you to do/attend every single thing I have mentioned, like, all the time, but they will ask quite a lot IME.

Best wishes @Strawberriesandpears .

Come to our Orthodox Church in Durham. I've met the best friends of my life there. It's a great community. The Liturgy is in English too. There are a good mixture of people there and you'll be made to feel welcome.

@SweetBirdsong Thank you very much for your detailed reply. That's a really interesting insight. I think I would struggle to make that much of a commitment right now, but might be able to do so when I am older and retired. Definitely something to think about.

@orthodoxchurch Thank you for that recommendation. I am going to have a look at the website.

I feel so worried about the position I find myself in. I can't help feel that I might be looking at an extremely lonely and isolated future.

Yes,it is a good idea.
C of E will normally allow people of other Christian faiths to join a congregation with full voting rights and able to partake of communion should you wish.

Attend churches in your neighbourhood and ones that are easy to get to. Try them out until you find one that is a good fit. There is so much variety in what churches offer and do.
It is very personal so going to visit is the only way.

Attending a church that has MANY members is wise if you want to meet friends and if you have limited hours to commit to the running of the church etc.

People exploring their faith are very welcome at lots of different denominations. In my church there's no pressure to get involved, you might be invited to but more often they will ask for volunteers as part of the notices and tell you who to speak to if you're interested. My church has a craft night and toddler group and other community things going on which aren't religious as well as the usual Sunday service and mid week Bible study groups.

Atheist DH went to our local church fairly regularly with our dc whose best friend went to Sunday school there, and dc wanted to go as well. So DH sat in the church every week, and it was only some time later I discovered that he'd been going up and taking communion. Having been brought up in a family who didn't go to church at all, he had no idea that he wasn't really supposed to have done that without having been confirmed.

I can report that God appears not to have minded in the slightest.