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Original poster

DS in trouble at school. How to respond?

143 replies

occa · 09/02/2024 13:40

I've just had an email from 16 yo DS' school about an incident involving him and another student.

Basically, the boys from his class were all mucking about while getting changed for PE, throwing one boy's shoes about etc. The boy pushed/grabbed DS and DS flipped the boy over his shoulder and damaged the bathroom wall.

DS has been suspended. Don't know if the other boy has been punished. School have basically asked for comment from me and I'm not sure how to respond, tbh.

I'm pretty cross with DS as he's a black belt and knows full well he is not allowed to do judo off the mat, but the other boy did grab him first, so I sort of get it?

OP posts:
Maybeicanhelpyou · 09/02/2024 13:41

Say you’ll respond after you’ve spoken to your son

Maybeicanhelpyou · 09/02/2024 13:42

At least that gives you time to get his side of the story and speak to others.

reflecting2023 · 09/02/2024 13:43

Oh gosh well I mean your ds is completely in the wrong here. Was the other boy injured? What sort of force does it take to damage a wall with a person?? Or did I misunderstand.
I think you speak to ds about the whole situation and choosing not to get involved, and over - retaliation as opposed to keeping oneself safe and de escalating a situation .
Ask him to apologise to the other child and to school and see if that helps.

Tulipsandbeer · 09/02/2024 13:43

Yeah I would say. Thank you for letting me know. I will speak to DS to let him know this behaviour is not acceptable and to find out from him what led to this.

ViaRia01 · 09/02/2024 13:44

Surely your response should be that your son will apologise to the boy, he will promise to stop bullying him and that you (or your son) will pay for the damage to the wall…?

Original poster
occa · 09/02/2024 13:45

Yes I'll definitely speak to DS and find out what went on.

The wall was a plasterboard partition, so it doesn't take much to put a hole in it. Nobody was injured.

OP posts:
BlindurErBóklausMaður · 09/02/2024 13:46

Start by not minimising what happened.
16 year old boys being violent and damaging school property and potentially causing life threatening injuries to someone else, isn't "mucking about".

Hope the other boy is OK and that yours has learned a lesson.

BoohooWoohoo · 09/02/2024 13:46

In the other boy ok ?

I would have no other comment until I’d spoken to my son tbh. It’s hard to say if his reaction was disproportionate without more info because grab is quite vague and there’s a fine line between harmless mucking about and picking on the same boy every time.

crumblingschools · 09/02/2024 13:47

How long has he been suspended for? When a child has been suspended the school will complete a form, which includes a segment for parents comments. In this case I would also expect witnesses statements. You will then have a reintegration meeting on his return (possibly complicated by half term if yours is next week)

MILTOBE · 09/02/2024 13:48

Isn't it a rule in martial arts that you don't use it in everyday life unless you are in danger?

Coconutter24 · 09/02/2024 13:50

“but the other boy did grab him first, so I sort of get it?”

No the boy didn’t grab him first the boy retaliated to your son and his friend’s behaviour. Your son should be apologising to the boy and school, if your son knows to not do judo off the mat why is he doing this? Did this come with consequence from yourself for ignoring the rules? I’d be surprised you don’t also receive a bill for the work that will need doing.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 09/02/2024 13:52

The boy grabbed your son in frustration of being picked on and his belongs thrown around, which is incredibly belittling.
If your son had thrown mine into a wall with enough damage to break it using martial arts I would be involving the police as well.

He should have handed his stuff back, and he now needs to apologise considerably.

ColdAsConcrete · 09/02/2024 13:53

The wall was a plasterboard partition, so it doesn't take much to put a hole in it. Nobody was injured.
I'm not sure that's the point, is it? Do you even know the other boy isn't hurt? Did your son know it was plasterboard and therefore unlikely to injure the other boy? I think that's unlikely, so he assumed the other boy would get hurt? Or you think he knew and so wilfully destroyed school property assuming the other boy wouldn't get hurt?
Was the boy who grabbed him the one whose belongings (all?) the others were throwing around?

I do think you're right to delay speaking to school until you've spoken to your son though.

Original poster
occa · 09/02/2024 13:53

The head of year said he has spoken to everyone involved and that there doesn't seem to be any dispute that the other boy made the first move and that DS responded, but I think I'll have to ban DS from the dojo for a while.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 09/02/2024 13:54

Did the boy make the first move by throwing his own belongings around?

craigth162 · 09/02/2024 13:54

Your boy and the others in class are nasty bullies. He deserves to be suspended. If it was my kid he flipped against a wall id go to the police

shepherdsangeldelight · 09/02/2024 13:55

occa · 09/02/2024 13:53

The head of year said he has spoken to everyone involved and that there doesn't seem to be any dispute that the other boy made the first move and that DS responded, but I think I'll have to ban DS from the dojo for a while.

It might be better to report the incident to DS's sensei and get them to have a word?

Original poster
occa · 09/02/2024 13:56

ColdAsConcrete · 09/02/2024 13:53

The wall was a plasterboard partition, so it doesn't take much to put a hole in it. Nobody was injured.
I'm not sure that's the point, is it? Do you even know the other boy isn't hurt? Did your son know it was plasterboard and therefore unlikely to injure the other boy? I think that's unlikely, so he assumed the other boy would get hurt? Or you think he knew and so wilfully destroyed school property assuming the other boy wouldn't get hurt?
Was the boy who grabbed him the one whose belongings (all?) the others were throwing around?

I do think you're right to delay speaking to school until you've spoken to your son though.

Someone upthread asked about the wall damage. School have said that nobody was injured.

OP posts:
MixingPlaydough · 09/02/2024 13:56

By all means wait to respond until you've spoken to your son but the fact you're already minimising the incident and putting blame onto the poor kid who was being being bullied by your child and his friends does rather lead to the indication that you aren't all that bothered about what has happened.

Your child bullied and assaulted another child and you don't seem very concerned about that.

BoohooWoohoo · 09/02/2024 13:56

It’s good that nobody has been hurt.

I’d be wanting to know if the boy with the missing shoe says it was mucking about.
How long were they withholding the shoe ? Maybe he was frustrated at the possibility of being bollocked when he was late to his next class? maybe he’s always the one picked on ? Maybe it happens to a different boy each time and the boy with the missing shoe has done the same to others?

Octavia64 · 09/02/2024 13:57

If your son is trained in martial arts then he should know that they are the last resort in any situation and that the best way you can deal with someone who is or maybe violent with you is to get out if that situation asap.

I would strongly suggest that you discuss this with his judo teacher as this is very much against the ethos and they are not going to be impressed.

Singleandproud · 09/02/2024 13:58

You are lucky it's just the wall that got broken and the boy didn't hit his head on the floor/bench etc.

Same as the one punch kills campaign had things gone wrong your DS would be liable and penalised accordingly.

He needs to learn to control himself. I would possibly ask for a quote for how much the damage is and either make him do community service even if that was litter picking your local area or donate the same amount to a local charity assuming the school will be using their insurance etc to repair it.

itsmyp4rty · 09/02/2024 13:59

So your son threw another child's belongings around and then when the other child got angry about it your son used a Judo move on him and threw him over his shoulder into a wall and smashed the wall? And despite all that you think the other boy started it?

I'd be very concerned that my son was a nasty dangerous bully personally.

Original poster
occa · 09/02/2024 14:00

might be better to report the incident to DS's sensei and get them to have a word?

@shepherdsangeldelight yes, good idea. I will do that

OP posts:
WhatNoUsername · 09/02/2024 14:02

Basically, the boys from his class were all mucking about while getting changed for PE, throwing one boy's shoes about etc."

So your son and other boys were bullying another boy who then retaliated when provoked and your son threw him? Nice.