DS in trouble at school. How to respond?

[occa]

I've just had an email from 16 yo DS' school about an incident involving him and another student.

Basically, the boys from his class were all mucking about while getting changed for PE, throwing one boy's shoes about etc. The boy pushed/grabbed DS and DS flipped the boy over his shoulder and damaged the bathroom wall.

DS has been suspended. Don't know if the other boy has been punished. School have basically asked for comment from me and I'm not sure how to respond, tbh.

I'm pretty cross with DS as he's a black belt and knows full well he is not allowed to do judo off the mat, but the other boy did grab him first, so I sort of get it?

I've been the kid having their stuff thrown round til I snapped and lashed out. Then I'd get it back. I had 5 years of that kind of thing, went through suicidal periods and have some pretty deep mental scars from it all.

It's NOT just messing about - and the fact he THREW HIM AGAINST A WALL... What if it'd been a brick wall. Your son could've killed that boy.

This. The boy was being bullied.

I agree with pp's that it sounds as though this boy was being bullied. Similar has been happening to my 15yo. He'd feel very unsupported if I suggested the perpetrators were just 'mucking about'. It's horrible behaviour to throw someone's stuff around.

It doesn't matter who starts the violence, being violent back is not ok.

Think it's safe to say that as the OP hasn't been back, her kid was the problem.

No, not all the boys were mucking about. Some boys, maybe most of the boys, including your son were bullying another boy. I would be ashamed if one of mine was involved in that. I wonder if the poor lad is regularly bullied by your son and his mates "mucking about."

Definitely speak to the sensei, I'm sure he will be very annoyed. This isn't what judo is about.

And this is the problem, parents like OP who think their little darlings can do no wrong, are teaching them to act like total dicks with zero consequences.

Your son's cards have been marked and not a minute too soon. If he does partake in martial arts, the discipline has completely evaded him or else he is showing off. A great life lesson and not too early . I would be utterly ashamed of my child if he did this. In my parts, they call this thuggery.

Your op including ' mucking about' says everything. That's not mucking about and you know it op.

I think she knows. She seems almost smug about dropping the line about a black belt not realising it's not normal at all for a 16yr old to develop such in interest in solo contact sport from such a young age. And the phrase he "knows not to do judo off the mat"?! She makes it sound like he has a superpower and she's told him not to unleash it on people outside the sporting context.

Most kids choose team sports or low contact solo sports like tennis or dance. This son clearly has a deep interest in contact/combat martial arts and the discipline to reach a black belt while still a teen. The school absolutely knows what sort of boys these are, and what kind of "mucking about" took place.

Was the boy who grabbed him, the one whose stuff was being thrown around? Was your son involved in that? Obviously potentially reaching a bit here, but that sounds like one kid was being picked on and his stuff being thrown around by a group of boys, including your son, the kid then reacted to this and your son picked him up and body slammed him into a wall........

@occa you're minimising your ds’s behaviour. He and his friends took the kid’s shoe, threw it around the changing room, kid got mad, your twatty son decided to pick the poor kid up and smash him through a school wall.

Let’s not dress up a turd here.

@User3353235 - don't agree with the 'solo sport' and that being weird- some of your points stand but having a child who has been a part of a judo club that's more like a family since the age of three- the training is very collegiate and the comps have huge support from your other team mates- being a solo sports person is t weird for kids and judo is definitely a team training sport....

Let’s not dress up a turd here.

🤣🤣 This pretty much sums it up ...

Thanks to all who suggested holding fire until I’d spoken to DS. I had a meeting with DS and the HoY after school and got a much more comprehensive picture of what actually happened. DS is still in my bad books but I’m not spitting nails (as much).

I doubt anyone cares, because it’s wayyy more fun just to have a bash 🤣🤣, but on the off chance, what actually happened was:

DS was changing in a bathroom stall when some clothes flew over the partition into the stall. DS grabbed them and didn’t let go when someone’s arm reached over and tried to grab them back. (Turned out in the end that this was the DC who owned the clothes but DS didn’t now what was going on at this point).

When DS didn’t let go, the kid grabbed DS’s clothes off the hook inside the cubicle and disappeared. DS raced out of the stall to try to get his clothes back and when DS opened the stall door the DC who had DS’s clothes grabbed DS and shoved him back into the stall. DS then tackled the other DC around the waist and they went into the partition wall.

Nobody was hurt but they’re both in trouble. Everyone has apologized and the wall is getting fixed.

So sorry it’s not more dramatic and thanks for those responses that have been so very gleefully spiteful. They’ve been absolutely hilarious to read.

**
Basically, the boys from his class were all mucking about while getting changed for PE, throwing one boy's shoes about etc”

So they were all bullying one boy. What do you do? Make your son apologise and take away his gadgets for a week.
(If this is real).

You might be laughing at these responses @occa but it's your son who got suspended, not theirs.

How weird that the original story was so wildly different. I wonder why anyone would have bothered to make all that up?

So sorry it’s not more dramatic and thanks for those responses that have been so very gleefully spiteful. They’ve been absolutely hilarious to read.

Well they were based on the information in your OP. Maybe best not to post when you don't know the full story yourself.

Sounds like your son didn't lick it off the ground if his mum seeks to minimise this sort of behaviour.

Ooh nice burn 😉

OP you do come across just a teensy bit too pleased with yourself for someone whose kid's been suspended.

“When DS didn’t let go, the kid grabbed DS’s clothes off the hook inside the cubicle and disappeared. DS raced out of the stall to try to get his clothes back and when DS opened the stall door the DC who had DS’s clothes grabbed DS and shoved him back into the stall. DS then tackled the other DC around the waist and they went into the partition wall.”
Tbh this doesn’t make your Ds sound any better, the kid asked for his clothes back and he didn’t hand them over. If he didn’t know what was going on and not part of taunting the other boy why wouldn’t he just give him them back straight away? 🤷‍♀️ I also don’t think there’s been any spiteful replies as you suggest they are just honest responses to the information given

The boy whose belongings were being thrown around was not 'mucking around' but being picked on, teased in an unpleasant, bullying way. His response of grabbing your son shows he was not in on the 'joke' and was distressed.
Your son then used totally unreasonable and reckless force.
My main concern in this situation would be that my son was a possible bully. I would find his behaviour towards the other boy v upsetting and would be speaking to him in the strongest of terms.

The original story which came FROM THE HEAD OF YEAR no less.

@occa Did you ask the head of year why he lied to you yesterday morning? Why he told you dreadful things about your son if they weren't true?

Because you see, our "hilarious" replies came from what YOU told us. And YOU told us what the HoY had said.

Fwiw, you're going to have to try harder.

Though I agree with @Coconutter24 . You are still minimising his violent behaviour, but as you've now also changed the narrative for us, hardly any wonder your son gets away with things. Apples and trees etc.

Hope the other boy's parents ask the police for advice.

I think that you are not one of those parents who will say their child never does anything wrong. Thank you for the update OP.

Your son is a bully and you're waiting to hear what he has to say?

The poor boy being picked on reacted to the nastiness from your son and his friends.
Your son should not have touched him, particularly if he's a black belt.
I'd be removing that from him - he should know he shouldn't behave that way unless in danger.