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Original poster

DS in trouble at school. How to respond?

143 replies

occa · 09/02/2024 13:40

I've just had an email from 16 yo DS' school about an incident involving him and another student.

Basically, the boys from his class were all mucking about while getting changed for PE, throwing one boy's shoes about etc. The boy pushed/grabbed DS and DS flipped the boy over his shoulder and damaged the bathroom wall.

DS has been suspended. Don't know if the other boy has been punished. School have basically asked for comment from me and I'm not sure how to respond, tbh.

I'm pretty cross with DS as he's a black belt and knows full well he is not allowed to do judo off the mat, but the other boy did grab him first, so I sort of get it?

OP posts:
TallandSkinny · 09/02/2024 14:05

So all the boys were mucking about throwing one boys shoes around.

Only the one boy whose belongings were being thrown around wasn't enjoying it, was he? Or he wouldn't have "pushed/grabbed" your son, presumably in an attempt to stop the throwing around of his belongings? And I infer from the way he "pushed/grabbed" YOUR son out of all the boys, that either your son was the ringleader or he was taunting the lad, perhaps holding the shoes up out of his reach?

I would regard the damage to the wall and the flipping of the boy as the least of the incident tbh. I would be mortified if my son were indulging in this kind of bullying behaviour with enthusiasm. At the VERY least, he needs to learn that the banter stops when someone stops enjoying it. I would count his suspension as a lesson to learn, and urge him to think about the impact of his actions in future.

Troublee · 09/02/2024 14:07

I’m sorry but I have maybe misunderstood.

  1. Your son and his mates were bullying another boy by throwing his shoes around?
  2. The bullied boy retaliated by grabbing your son?
  3. your son then flipped bullied boy over his shoulder?

Have I misunderstood?

Megifer · 09/02/2024 14:08

I won't fly in with accusations of bullying as nothing in your op remotely indicates that.

I'd respond with "thank you for letting me know". Then speak to DS about it.

ditalini · 09/02/2024 14:12

I would want to know the story behind the boy getting his belongings thrown about.

Maybe that boy was a friend of your ds's and it was all in fun, and happens to them all - routine for the friendship group and it just got out of hand.

Or maybe it's one of those things that doesn't happen to everyone. It happens to this boy. Along with jostling and tripping in the corridor or during PE, belongings getting damaged by "accident", things said under the disguise of a cough "as a joke". And someone finally snapped. Because that I would come down on like a ton of bricks.

anyolddinosaur · 09/02/2024 14:32

You should speak to your son first but if they were bullying someone who retaliated then your son is definitely at fault and there should be consequences at home as well as school.

purplecorkheart · 09/02/2024 14:34

Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if the parents of that boy go to the Police and frankly I could not blame them. You are trying to minimise your son's involvement. Your son appears to being bullying and then behaved in a violent manner when confronted. The fact that no one got hurt and the wall was thin are irrelevant.

OhmygodDont · 09/02/2024 14:36

Nice bit of victim blaming there on the poor boy who’s had his stuff taken away by a group of boys who then clearly refuse to hand it back.

Frustrated at having his stuff taken and thrown around the kid being picked on pushed one of those bullies… who then flips him into a wall….

But the boy whose stuff was stolen is the villain. As if.

Your son needs to apologise and you need to pay for the damage and inform the dojo of the behaviour. Also you need to not victim blame.

MissyB1 · 09/02/2024 14:39

Sounds like your ds and his mates were bullying and the kid didn’t like it. Stop minimising the behaviour, maybe your ds behaved like that because he knew you wouldn’t take it seriously!

Itslegitimatesalvage · 09/02/2024 14:39

Sounds like the boys were “mucking about” by bullying one boy; taking his things and throwing them. When that boy pushed your son, he was reacting to being ganged up on and having his things stolen. You need to speak to your son about that.

Then deal with the violence. That could have gone so much worse. Does you son know one punch can kill? One bad drop when swinging someone can kill? One head bang can change a life forever?

You need to take this very seriously. We have a systemic problem with men and violence. So take it seriously.

manipulatrice · 09/02/2024 14:41

If the kids shoes were being thrown about and he then lost it with the result of this incident, sounds like a chat about bullying needs to also be had with your kid..

crumblingschools · 09/02/2024 14:41

The boys who were bullying the other one, probably excused it as banter

Megifer · 09/02/2024 14:42

Op would be good for you to come back and confirm if your DS and this other kid are pals and it was something that just got out of hand, or if your DS is indeed a bully so you can get appropriate advice.

Balloonhearts · 09/02/2024 14:54

So he was bullying another boy, stealing his stuff and now he's added assault to the list? I would be unimpressed and would be speaking to his sensei. He would also be punished.

Personally I punish for each transgression. So the bullying, the assault and if applicable the lying about it. Three punishments. Small or big dependent on what they've done.

Seems to work, they do still occasionally act like arseholes but at least don't have the poor sense to lie to me. The bullying would be big punishment territory. Like apology in front of whole class and month of no phone and no dojo kind of scale.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/02/2024 15:01

No one was injured but he slammed a kid against a wall. It's morel ick than judgement. And the other lad lagged out first because he was being bullied by your son and his mates

DdyDaisyDaresYou · 09/02/2024 15:08

Troublee · 09/02/2024 14:07

I’m sorry but I have maybe misunderstood.

  1. Your son and his mates were bullying another boy by throwing his shoes around?
  2. The bullied boy retaliated by grabbing your son?
  3. your son then flipped bullied boy over his shoulder?

Have I misunderstood?

  1. And then put him through a wall!

I'd go nuclear.

GlobetrottingPercy · 09/02/2024 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sprigatito · 09/02/2024 15:15

My child was the one having his belongings thrown around in the changing rooms, as part of a wider campaign of bullying by boys like yours who found his distress endlessly amusing. He is 21 now and has PTSD, self-harm scars and an eating disorder.

You need to face up to the seriousness of this, not minimise it. I would come down like the wrath of God on any child of mine who was involved in bullying.

Laiste · 09/02/2024 15:16

@sprigatito your poor son Flowers

The effects of bullying are life long 🙁

Megifer · 09/02/2024 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'm not getting that message at all from the op.

Am inclined to think its a bit of a wind up/watch go thread now though given the op is really ambiguous.

JellyfishandShells · 09/02/2024 15:30

shepherdsangeldelight · 09/02/2024 13:55

It might be better to report the incident to DS's sensei and get them to have a word?

Show quote history

I did Judo as a teenager and it was absolutely drummed into us that our fighting skills should not be used off the mat. There were discussions about what was appropriate to use in real self defence in the world, moves to protect oneself and stop an attacker in their tracks and to deescalate a situation, whilst maintaining self control. Control and respect is a big part of the ethos.

It would be a helpful discussion with a respected sensei and show both your DS and the school that you were all taking this seriously.

bloodyeffinnora · 09/02/2024 15:51

You seem to be picking and choosing who you reply to.

You don't seem to want to hear that your precious son could be a bully, it's more oh dear I'll have to have a word with him about using martial arts outside, dearie me what a little rascal.

Your son was pushed by someone he was bullying but as usual he's now the victim.

Of course the others in his gang are also blaming the one who pushed him, it doesn't mean it's the truth.

You need to look at what type of lad your son is and you are enabling.

Sherrystrull · 09/02/2024 15:58

A child was being picked on.
They tried to stand up for themselves.
They were then thrown through a wall.

I hope the other child's parents go to the police. That poor boy.

Trulyme · 09/02/2024 16:00

I would apologise to the school and offer to pay for any damages.

I would then punish DS accordingly.

If my DD was bullying someone or physically attacked them (especially using a martial arts move) then I would punish her in a slightly over the top way to ensure that it never happens again.

If your son does this again he could seriously injure someone and/or be arrested and it’s better to nip it in the bud now.

The punishment depends on your son’s personality.
My DD wouldn’t get grounded for example, as that’s her idea of fun.
I would ban your son from judo for a couple of weeks and get the instructor to have a word with him about his actions.
I would also take his phone off him for a set amount of time.

Snowdropsarecoming · 09/02/2024 16:00

occa · 09/02/2024 13:53

The head of year said he has spoken to everyone involved and that there doesn't seem to be any dispute that the other boy made the first move and that DS responded, but I think I'll have to ban DS from the dojo for a while.

The other boy was reacting to your son’s bullying behaviour.

Wooloohooloo · 09/02/2024 16:11

From reading this, your son sounds like a violent bully.

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