DS in trouble at school. How to respond?

[occa]

I've just had an email from 16 yo DS' school about an incident involving him and another student.

Basically, the boys from his class were all mucking about while getting changed for PE, throwing one boy's shoes about etc. The boy pushed/grabbed DS and DS flipped the boy over his shoulder and damaged the bathroom wall.

DS has been suspended. Don't know if the other boy has been punished. School have basically asked for comment from me and I'm not sure how to respond, tbh.

I'm pretty cross with DS as he's a black belt and knows full well he is not allowed to do judo off the mat, but the other boy did grab him first, so I sort of get it?

I wonder if the updated story comes via the boy whose clothes were taken or via the majority of boys there - who were all likely in on picking on him. As a pp said, it seems strange that these clothes were being thrown around silently and the first your son knew about it was when they landed in his cubicle and then a hand silently reached over to grab them. It seems far more likely that this boy was shouting at the top of his voice for everyone to give his stuff back and your son knew exactly who was grabbing the clothes.

If your son was somehow oblivious when he came out of his cubicle and was pushed why on earth would he not say 'what's going on X? Someone's clothes were thrown into my cubicle and then mine were taken. What's happening??' Rather than straightaway throw him over his shoulder and slam him against the wall.

The original story sounds much more likely - your son was actively involved in the throwing the clothes around, the boy got mad and shoved him and your son, not wanting to lose the power in this scenario, saw red and threw him into a wall.

Either way oo you have a massive problem on your hands if he responds to a relatively minor incident with such violence. I certainly wouldn't be less spitting nails over the second version. This is not something that can be brushed under the carpet.

OP you do come across just a teensy bit too pleased with yourself for someone whose kid's been suspended.

Yeah exactly. The irony of OP having a laugh and her smug post when she has a son that has been suspended from school. It's nothing to be proud about.

This. Your son sounds like a bit of a shit to be honest

How was it the first move if the other boys were throwing his things about?

When DS didn’t let go, the kid grabbed DS’s clothes off the hook inside the cubicle and disappeared. DS raced out of the stall to try to get his clothes back and when DS opened the stall door the DC who had DS’s clothes grabbed DS and shoved him back into the stall.

How did the boy disappear if he was waiting outside your DS's stall door? And indeed how did your DS "race" outside the door if he was grabbed as soon as he opened it?

Sounds to me as if your DS has been concocting his story with his mates overnight, OP. Really the school should have made sure that they took independent statements immediately after the incident before the boys could get together to get their stories straight.

Of course she finds it hilarious with a new story more leaky than a sieve.

What's the saying? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I think you just have to offer to pay for the damage.

Then tell your son you are very disappointed in him. That should be punishment enough from you. If he's got that far in judo he is obviously a good sensible lad and I think just knowing he's disappointed you would be enough.

Problems at school should be disciplined at school. When he walks through the door to home he shouldn't have to deal with it again. Same as if he was flipping cheek at home to you, you wouldn't be expecting the school to deal with it would you?

Tell him you are very disappointed but make sure he understands you still love him. Hopefully he'll realise soon enough that this isn't a way to behave.

Op I think it's really really sad that you think some posts on here are hilarious. My 14yo DS has had this sort of crap literally all his school life. He's ASD but just enough to make him seem like the "weirdo" who doesn't just fit in, so he was always coming out with one or both trainers gone, something ripped etc. He now will go to some lengths to get in and out mega fast either before or after everyone else. When it does still occur, because no school can actually effectively police teenage boys in changing rooms (and I know, I'm a teacher), it results in tears, school refusal and huge disruption. But yeah, hilarious.
The issue that perhaps you don't understand that if your son is one of the lads, a popular boy who would handle his shoes being thrown around as a joke, then you will never ever get where some of us are coming from. Your son doesn't have to be a nasty psycho future abusive partner, just a typical over-confident slightly pratty teen but the damage such a boy can do to one like my DS is significant.

A boy at my ds school damaged the ceiling in the toilets, his parents were presented with a £900 bill.

Absolutely agree. To respond to something that the OP, now, seems to feel is pretty minor, with this level of violence is worrying. I don't expect his sensei will be very impressed.

@occa "DS grabbed them and didn’t let go when someone’s arm reached over and tried to grab them back."

So without know who the clothes belonged to (or so he claims) your son held on to someone else's property and refused to give the clothes back.

Then we have the inconsistencies in him racing out of the stall to get his clothes back.

No-one else is finding this funny and if you allow your child to do so you are encouraging him to be a bully.

the DC who had DS’s clothes grabbed DS and shoved him back into the stall. DS then tackled the other DC around the waist and they went into the partition wall

So it wasn’t a trying to defend himself scenario - he retaliated? He couldn’t have taken a pause and stood in a defensive position waiting to see if the boy has another boy first before launching himself at him? He couldn’t have just defensively taken control of the other boys arms to stop an escalation? He thought slamming him into a partition was appropriate use of force?

Interesting that the original story (which would have just been another student's interpretation) is 'wrong' but op's dc's version is 'right'. Even though it sounds a load of bollocks.

That is exactly what you should do. I warned my then much younger DS that I would tell Sensei if he ever did jujitsu on a classmate again. Sensei is very strict on no jujitsu at school.

16? So, Y11? 9 weeks to gcses?

You apologise for the damage and offer to pay to repair it.

You state that, although not acceptable, your son was defending himself and was not the aggressor.

State that you accept and support the school on the Fixed Term exclusion as per the school behaviour policy, and would like asurances that the aggressor has also been dealt with as per the policy.

And then read your son the riot act!

This thread is over a year old.

No way! Doesnt feel like that long ago. I wonder what the kid is up to now?

@occa how has the year been?