Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DS in trouble at school. How to respond?

143 replies

occa · 09/02/2024 13:40

I've just had an email from 16 yo DS' school about an incident involving him and another student.

Basically, the boys from his class were all mucking about while getting changed for PE, throwing one boy's shoes about etc. The boy pushed/grabbed DS and DS flipped the boy over his shoulder and damaged the bathroom wall.

DS has been suspended. Don't know if the other boy has been punished. School have basically asked for comment from me and I'm not sure how to respond, tbh.

I'm pretty cross with DS as he's a black belt and knows full well he is not allowed to do judo off the mat, but the other boy did grab him first, so I sort of get it?

OP posts:
Nellodee · 10/02/2024 07:48

At no point do you refer to “the other boy” as your son’s friend. Sadly, stealing and hiding each other’s stuff at school is a game some boys play. It’s bad behaviour, immature, disruptive and incredibly annoying. They should obviously still be in trouble just for this. However, if the other boy wasn’t a friend, and you haven’t given any indication here that he was, then it’s almost certainly bullying. Either way, you appear to be making light of an incident that has caused significant damage to school property.

otherwayup · 10/02/2024 07:50

occa · 09/02/2024 23:19

Thanks to all who suggested holding fire until I’d spoken to DS. I had a meeting with DS and the HoY after school and got a much more comprehensive picture of what actually happened. DS is still in my bad books but I’m not spitting nails (as much).

I doubt anyone cares, because it’s wayyy more fun just to have a bash 🤣🤣, but on the off chance, what actually happened was:

DS was changing in a bathroom stall when some clothes flew over the partition into the stall. DS grabbed them and didn’t let go when someone’s arm reached over and tried to grab them back. (Turned out in the end that this was the DC who owned the clothes but DS didn’t now what was going on at this point).

When DS didn’t let go, the kid grabbed DS’s clothes off the hook inside the cubicle and disappeared. DS raced out of the stall to try to get his clothes back and when DS opened the stall door the DC who had DS’s clothes grabbed DS and shoved him back into the stall. DS then tackled the other DC around the waist and they went into the partition wall.

Nobody was hurt but they’re both in trouble. Everyone has apologized and the wall is getting fixed.

So sorry it’s not more dramatic and thanks for those responses that have been so very gleefully spiteful. They’ve been absolutely hilarious to read.

And you believe him? 😳

No wonder my secondary school teacher friend is stressed. She encounters this almost daily - parents believing their dc over her, she very rarely is backed up by the parents.

She even has parents calling up demanding their precious little angel isn't punished!! These are kids doing awful things to other kids or swearing at and threatening staff!

whatsappdoc · 10/02/2024 07:55

Flipped him over his shoulder or grabbed him round the waist? Feel sorry for school staff trying to sort out crap like this every day.

Soontobe60 · 10/02/2024 07:59

It sounds like the OP has concocted a different version of the incident now that it has been pointed out that her DS is a bit of a thug.
There are so many holes in the second version that it’s hard to believe. However, at the end of the day, the OP has to deal with her son, she has to sort out supervision whilst he’s suspended. She has to ensure going forward that he will cease being someone who resorts to violent actions - if she’s not able to acknowledge his unacceptable part in this incident, her DSs future at this school could be in jeopardy.

Sherrystrull · 10/02/2024 08:00

I don't understand why your ds didn't just give the clothes back. It would have solved all the issues..

crumblingschools · 10/02/2024 08:10

How did the other boy get hold of your DS’s clothes if they were inside the cubicle and the door was shut?

Megifer · 10/02/2024 08:18

Ah glad it's sorted op. Not uncommon at all to get half a story off teachers in the first instance, they are busy etc and then other parents speak to their kids etc. and it all gets pieced together.

Weird though that your DS got suspended and the other kid didn't if it was a bit six of one half a dozen of the other, seems a bit harsh 🤔

And this comment "not realising it's not normal at all for a 16yr old to develop such in interest in solo contact sport from such a young age" is the biggest pile of bollocks I have ever read.

ohxmastreeohxmastree · 10/02/2024 08:19

Turned out in the end that this was the DC who owned the clothes but DS didn’t now what was going on at this point

OP can you not see that the other boy almost definitely would’ve been shouting something like ‘give me my clothes’ when he tried to grab them over the cubicle? I work with children but I’m sure even you know that children use their voices. (The vast, vast majority of) children aren’t mute, particularly not teenage boys who are pissed off about their clothes being taken. You believing that your DS didn’t know it was the owner of the clothes trying to get them back is proper sticking your head in the sand. Also, even if in some bizarre way the owner of the clothes HAD stayed completely silent whilst trying to retrieve them, why did your DS not let go? Open your eyes OP and tell your DS not to be a bully (or in the best case scenario, a proper wind-up) when it comes to things like personal property and particularly clothes. You don’t know who it might be next time and the physical altercation may have gone very differently to this one.

BlindurErBóklausMaður · 10/02/2024 08:20

crumblingschools · 10/02/2024 08:10

How did the other boy get hold of your DS’s clothes if they were inside the cubicle and the door was shut?

He seems to be a very tall boy.

His clothes flew over the partition.

The OP's son oblivious to anything, caught them.

The other boy "reached over" and tried to get his clothes back.

The OP's son didn't give them back

The other boy then took the OP's son's clothes.

The other boy ran and "disappeared" no less. And the OP's son "raced after him"

The OP's son opened his stall door at this point (must be a very long stall as previously he's been racing after the other one (I know, me neither) and the other boy, no longer disappeared at all (!!) is waiting outside the stall and shoves him inside.

At which the OP's son grabs him round the waist and he ends up against the partition.

= The biggest load of bollocks I've read in a long time.

I think the phone call from the HoY called it in the first version.

ohxmastreeohxmastree · 10/02/2024 08:21

And that’s not me ‘bashing’ you OP - I’m the mother of a son who also had a tendency to be a dick thinking it was funny but I realised I really had to crack down on it before he messed with the wrong person or started doing similar things in relationships with women.

WhichIsItWendy · 10/02/2024 08:23

My response would likely be "as my son was seemingly bullying the boy, by throwing around his property, I think your response is fair. I will be reinforcing your message at home".

OP your son sounds like a horrible bully. Throwing people's stuff around is never fun for the person who's stuff it is and your son knew that. He was engaging in power play, showing this boy that he has control over him. Not cool.

Your son now must suffer the consequences and hopefully change his he treats people.

SKG231 · 10/02/2024 09:08

Yes hear your sons side of the story but just remember it will be fabricated to make
him look better and not contain the whole truth.

you need to let him know that bullying people and throwing around their personal belongings isn’t ok. No wonder the boy reacted to him, imagine being that person trying to get changed and a group of people are all laughing at you and teasing you.

Iwasafool · 10/02/2024 09:23

Bullying goes on because people make excuses, people stand and watch and say nothing and because some kids are just bullies. A loving parent should always deal with that.

sonshineandshowers · 10/02/2024 09:29

Your son is a vile bully and it's right that the school have suspended him. In an ideal world he'd be removed completely and educated in a padded cell until he learns not to be prick.

JSMill · 10/02/2024 09:45

occa · 09/02/2024 23:19

Thanks to all who suggested holding fire until I’d spoken to DS. I had a meeting with DS and the HoY after school and got a much more comprehensive picture of what actually happened. DS is still in my bad books but I’m not spitting nails (as much).

I doubt anyone cares, because it’s wayyy more fun just to have a bash 🤣🤣, but on the off chance, what actually happened was:

DS was changing in a bathroom stall when some clothes flew over the partition into the stall. DS grabbed them and didn’t let go when someone’s arm reached over and tried to grab them back. (Turned out in the end that this was the DC who owned the clothes but DS didn’t now what was going on at this point).

When DS didn’t let go, the kid grabbed DS’s clothes off the hook inside the cubicle and disappeared. DS raced out of the stall to try to get his clothes back and when DS opened the stall door the DC who had DS’s clothes grabbed DS and shoved him back into the stall. DS then tackled the other DC around the waist and they went into the partition wall.

Nobody was hurt but they’re both in trouble. Everyone has apologized and the wall is getting fixed.

So sorry it’s not more dramatic and thanks for those responses that have been so very gleefully spiteful. They’ve been absolutely hilarious to read.

I don't think it's fun to have a bash. I think your ds is far too old to behave like this and you as a parent should be teaching him right from wrong.

BlackeyedSusan · 10/02/2024 09:51

Clearly some people went to school that wasn't made of flimsy plaster board...some parts of my school had holes in the wall...

Bloody kids just thinking they are just messing about with their immature brains...not realising it's potentially/is serious. Be grateful that not much harm was done this time. Keep repeating potential consequences. Good luck.

BlackeyedSusan · 10/02/2024 09:54

sonshineandshowers · 10/02/2024 09:29

Your son is a vile bully and it's right that the school have suspended him. In an ideal world he'd be removed completely and educated in a padded cell until he learns not to be prick.

Did you read the update?

(Yeah bullying is vile, presumably the thrower of the clothes into the cubicle not the son nor clothes owner)

rainbowstardrops · 10/02/2024 10:15

Why didn't your son just hand the boy's clothes back?
Oh and if my son had been aggressive and ended up excluded, I'd be bloody livid!

TitaniasAss · 10/02/2024 10:19

Regardless of you finding responses funny, I don't think any of this is funny at all. But then, I work in a school and am sick of this kind of shit, to be honest.

BlindurErBóklausMaður · 10/02/2024 10:29

BlackeyedSusan · 10/02/2024 09:51

Clearly some people went to school that wasn't made of flimsy plaster board...some parts of my school had holes in the wall...

Bloody kids just thinking they are just messing about with their immature brains...not realising it's potentially/is serious. Be grateful that not much harm was done this time. Keep repeating potential consequences. Good luck.

I work in a very poorly constructed school.
What does that have to do with 16 year old violence?

Megifer · 10/02/2024 10:29

Until op confirms whether her kid and this kid are pals and it was dicking around (which is what some kids do and is normal - not acceptable, but totally normal) every single post on here is just guessing at ops kid being some sort of future one punch murderer psycho with an unhealthy interest in judo 🙄

HelpMeGetThrough · 10/02/2024 10:37

I'm pretty cross with DS as he's a black belt and knows full well he is not allowed to do judo off the mat, but the other boy did grab him first, so I sort of get it?

Then he is a very poor black belt and he should be relieved of it. Part of being a black belt is respect and self control, he showed neither.

I trained for many years to earn mine and I would never use what I know against someone, unless it was absolutely necessary.

Fabulousfeb · 10/02/2024 10:50

Op I believe we should always support our children and listen to them. But I know what many children say to mum and dad won't be the full truth sometimes.

PinkCandles · 10/02/2024 11:27

ViaRia01 · 09/02/2024 13:44

Surely your response should be that your son will apologise to the boy, he will promise to stop bullying him and that you (or your son) will pay for the damage to the wall…?

This

ShowOfHands · 10/02/2024 11:35

I'm not sure my son being involved in violence so significant that he damaged property and was suspended from school is something I'd find so hilarious op.

I find it very hard to believe this isn't fabricated.

Although, as a teacher, I've spoken to many parents who seem amused about their children's worrying behaviours so maybe they also post blithely on MN about their sons.