The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

Iloveshihtzus I just wrote a really similar post to you- I hear you!

I'm just so depressed reading the other thread. We are all trying to hard but there is still a common view it is bad parenting/ not caring enough. I know I ought to just not read it.

I am going to edit and add the not fine in school link to my OP. If anyone wants me to add any other useful resources let me know.

@BrambleyHedge
I have scanned that thread.
People who haven't experienced these issues with their kids will have no clue sadly.
We never suspected ND in my daughter and until last October she had no problems going in. Attendance was almost 100 percent.
We have gone from there to 60 percent in a short time.
When it did happen to us, it hit like a ton of bricks.
To be honest, I still have days of denial about the whole school, masking and burnout thing which isn't helpful i admit.

Xx

@BrambleyHedge as depressing as the other thread is, it seems the posts from those with no experience are just parroting the government’s crap about how every minute in school counts. It really doesn’t.

The comments from teachers and other parents experiencing the exact same issues are more interesting. The more I read the more I think the current education system is just not fit for purpose.

@DarkChocHolic I know how you feel being a bit in denial some days. It feels quite surreal and I wonder how we got to where we are so quickly. I think it gradually builds up over time for the children and we just go along with the advice of getting them to school because they are fine when they are in the classroom. Only they’re not and one day they just can’t take it anymore and then everything falls apart.

We had this. Like a bomb coming from nowhere.

9 GCSE’s. Started refusing to go to school from October of 6th form. Stopped completely by March/April

From the pinnacle of academic success to the nadir in 6 months. We were just in so much shock.

It hit quickly here as well, slightly difficult at reception and year 1 but was fine years 2-4.
Covid was part of it, not the lockdowns but the arrangements at school which meant playgrounds and corridors were emptier etc. coming back to normal did cause issues
hated that thread, and another when recommend taking things away and turning Wi-Fi off. Home is his safe space and it needs to remain that way. It’s not that he won’t it’s that he can’t.
as for us even though pushed back trying to get him in full time means he is doing less than the reduced 4 hours I want due to stress they are still pushing full time straight away. Referred to inclusion in the hope cannfet more therapy

Took DD8 in kicking and screaming today, had to carry her in with no shoes on whilst she hit me in the face. The headteacher saw her hitting me in the face with full force. Got her into reception and nothing, no support. They sent a very fresh faced TA down who quickly had to disappear to sort out another child. SENco stood in the office not making eye contact.
I'm just so tired of it.

@AbeSimpsonsWhiskeySour do you know why your DD is struggling to go in?

@AbeSimpsonsWhiskeySour it’s really stressful, think most of us here have done similar. Have you had any meetings with the SenCo? It’s awful that they completely ignored you. You’ve got your child to school but if they’re not helping with the transition in then what do they expect you to do, drag her to the classroom yourself?

Sometimes I think they do mine is 5ft6 and 12 stone plus at 11 there is no dragging him anywhere. With him as well unless he feels ready and comfortable to go the effect of pushing is bound to be negative. I don’t want to force him I want support for him and me so he is comfortable in going and gets something out of it

This is our approach at this point too, her mental health is so negatively affected by pushing school that we have stopped and are just hoping when she turns 16 there will be other options that she can pursue. It's so sad though, she just wants to be able to do normal teen things but she can't.

Hello everyone,I suppose I am out the other side now dd is out of school but she and myself are undoubtedly damaged by our experiences. Dd was dx ASD the week of her second birthday and had a SSEN (predecessor to EHCP) at three before she started nursery.
She largely thrived in primary with support but it started to fall apart once in secondary. We limped along with me being very bolshy and asserting that dd's needs as detailed in the EHCP must be met. SENCo was useless, a safeguarding fail ensured I could cut her out and deal directly with HT.
She had days off, then a reduced timetable, then more time off. Because she was academically able without any behaviour difficulties school couldn't see the merit of making the support which was half arsed at best and they didn't see the need to reduce demands.
By the start of year ten dd was heading into burnout and still school wouldn't reduce the demands. They had their eyes on dd's predicted grades and nothing not least dd's wellbeing was anywhere near as important. Dd was more absent than ever as I refused to force her.
After half term she didn't go back, there was a half hearted attempt at reintergration but that ended when the SENCo phoned to tell me dd had neither moved, spoken or done any work in the one hour and the following week she had to be in three times. I managed not to say my bit just told her "we are done, call an Annual Review"
I used the Tribunal process to get dd placed in an independent specialist school and again dd thrived and there wasn't one day where she didn't go happily. She left at 19 and it was back to Tribunal to get the EOTAS package. LA agreed she needed EOTAS just wouldn't agree to making any provision. They conceded the day before hearing to a larger package than I originally asked for (I expected to have to negotiate) mostly because they didn't know what they were doing.
Dd is enjoying EOTAS, me less so as it's hard having people in and out constantly. Dd is undoubtedly changed by her experiences, she's more fragile, more anxious and wary and quieter and more serious. I'm seriously jaded by it all and very glad that my time dealing with schools is well and truly over.

Hello. Thank you to everyone on this thread sharing their experiences. My ds14 is refusing school. He has never liked school and ran away at primary. Now he either refuses to go or turns up late. We are not in the UK and legally he has to complete a certain number of days to move forward to the next year and he has just received a warning that he cannot miss many more. He really doesn't want to stay down a year but he also doesn't want to go! I'm finding it very stressful. Schools here are not interested in helping find a solution. It's basically blamed on the parents. And dh blames me. 🙄

It's a bit different for my DD as she's struggled in every single setting. Childminder with two other children, small preschool, Steiner school, Montessori nursery, mainstream school, there is no real difference. She hates leaving me, despite me always working outside the home.
It's definitely autism but not the typical kind relating to loud, busy or chaotic places. She can be in central London with no ear defenders, we can change plans last minute etc. Its around relationships, so her TA not being in, one of her classmates being sick etc.
School definitely see it as an 'us problem' rather than a 'them problem'. They don't like me, and I think they want us to leave. I'm fed up with them, as they can never stick to their own care plans and promises. I could feel today building up since Monday. Every day we are left alone for a bit longer, then the anxiety builds. There's about a five minute window which is the difference between her going in and having a full on meltdown. If someone meets her at the door and takes her immediately into an activity/ the class room but they don't listen to me. It's basic child psychology. The longer you leave her trying to decide whether to enter the school building or not the greater the chance that she'll freak out. If she is greeted at the gates, then we have a 99% success rate of no meltdown. If that person isn't there, if we are left to wait then it drops to 20%

@AbeSimpsonsWhiskeySour With dd I could never decide whether school just didn't care or whether they had no understanding whatsoever. They didn't see the need for consistency, there would be a strategy that worked and as soon as there was success they would withdraw it, it was so frustrating. I'm so glad I have done with schools now, my eldest were NT and I never appreciated at the time how nice it was to have very little contact with their teachers and schools.

He didn't go all last week to tutoring and I hoped we would start afresh this week but not happening. Just says he can't and he hates himself. I feel so helpless.

@BrambleyHedge
I can appreciate what each fresh week feels like.
Sundays are harder because of what the next day brings.
You are not alone.
My dd has gone in for 2 hours and I know she will come back and need to decompress for hours.
Yesterday she told me all of her form was asked for aspirational grade for uni by the tutor and she was thankful the tutor skipped her.
Whilst that made sense, it made me realise how hard it must be for kids like her to be in and yet know there is so much they cannot be part of.
It made me feel so sorry she is going through all this.
These kids do have their turn...it will come.

Xx

Trigger Warning - Self Harm.

I've been deliberating whether to post this for the last two hours. I've looked at other boards / resources online, etc.

I've been on the thread since the start. DD sometimes goes to school but is struggling more and more.

DD has gone in today (she's in a new class, and it seemed to be helping), but she appeared at my bedroom door at 2am having self harmed. I cleaned her, bandaged her and we had a gentle chat and she slept the rest of the night in my bed.

The over thinking and spiralling thoughts sometimes seem to come from nowhere, and sometimes I see signs of it coming. It caught me a bit off guard this time. She's got a couple of friends in her new class but is still burned from previous attempts at friendships. She's scared of rejection and scared of future bullying after experiencing low level but persistent bullying in the past. She has low self esteem and hates being different, but at the same time, on good days, she embraces that difference (ND) I think there is also an element to her being lonely, yet pulling back from friendships.

I spoke to her about all her fears and asked what I could do. I asked if she would like me to book her some psychotherapy / counselling (recently found a local lady that deals with Autism acceptance and thought she could be worth a try) but DD only wants to speak to me. I've discussed this with CAMHS / School Nurse and DDs SALT and we've agreed it will have to be parent led therapy, so I've been signing up for webinars and trying to find things that really fit our situation, rather than just generic stuff we've seen / had / read about before. I was signposted to a self harm help forum by CAMHS, but it hasn't been posted on since before Christmas.

I've just signed her up for a Kooth account (also recommended by CAMHS) and I'm hoping we can sit down and have a look at that together tonight. It seems to have some good resources and support.

I'm just taking it a day at a time at the minute. It sort of seems impossible to plan ahead. I've been through the 'shall I home educate' scenario in my head so many times, but I feel I'd just be isolating her further as me already have quite an insular life (it's only me and her at home) She's 12 and at middle school, so I'm seeing how this year and next go. Cannot see her adapting to high school at all realistically.

Sending hugs to you all and thanks for reading.

@RainbowZebraWarrior sending hugs, I don’t have any advice on the self harm but it’s so hard to deal with. Would you be able to do homeschooling? I’ve looked into it and there is a forest school near us that does some weekly sessions where parents are either free to drop off or stay. Might be worth exploring what’s near you if it’s something you are able to do.

Been looking at different options myself this morning. I just don’t see how DD1 is going to be able to cope with secondary in 18 months. I’m not even sure she’ll manage full time again in primary. DD2 has also started saying she hates school and doesn’t want to go. She’s NT but hates the noise, there are kids in her class with behavioural issues and she gets stressed at all the shouting. Also seeing her sister not go doesn’t help. It all just feels like a continual uphill battle at the moment.

@RainbowZebraWarrior many hugs too. It must be devastating when they self harm and I really feel for you having to cope with that as well as everything else.

I think school use kooth and my kids have been a bit negative about it but to be honest I haven't looked at it and this has made me think I should too. Parent led therapy seems to be the default now so need to upskill. I hope you have a better day.

Brambly mine ignores me in the mornings. She's 15 and she knows there's nothing I can do to persuade her.

Her tutor is popping around shortly. No idea if DD will leave her room to say hello, if not she'll pop her head around the bedroom door to say hello.

Just wanted to send solidarity to all of us on the thread. I hope you can all find good options and support for your kids.

I am looking around at different APs wondering what will suit. Feels like a minefield. I can barely predict what triggers some of the home meltdowns and so I feel completely at a loss to try to pick an AP based on what I think my child will be able to tolerate. DD is barely talking and screams if school is even mentioned.

I'm in the same boat too.

DD15 ASD/ADHD is falling more and more apart as GCSEs approach. Attendance is very, very low and mental health is not good at all. The education system is seriously damaging my neurodiverse child. It's like being stuck on the world's worst roller coaster and not being able to get off.

She's not going to pass any GCSEs and I'm not sure she'll even manage to sit everything she is supposed to. It's an awful lot of pain for absolutely no gain.

The only glimmer of hope is an EHCP has now been put in place. Although it is too little too late for year 11 I'm hoping it gives some better options for next year.

She's got a place on a level 1 BTEC at college which hopefully will be much less pressure and more relaxed than school. There will be maths and English to redo but hopefully it will be a more manageable amount of work for her. There will be a lot of nurturing and rebuilding of confidence to do once school is over.

I so want my fun loving, quirky child back.

Hugs to you all this morning. @BrambleyHedge , I know how you feel - DS has not gone in since mid term - we are now into week 2 of being at home. He went to therapy last week - it is such a struggle to get someone - but he didn’t gel and he said she wasn’t listening to him, she was focused only on telling him how to manage his dyslexia 🙄. So we are back to the waiting lists.

I spoke to his year head yesterday, I’m not sure he gets it really - he told me I really should try harder to get him into school 🙄. After all my promises to focus only on DS’s mental health, I started to question myself again and wonder if I am being too soft. I just want to cry. But then I remind myself that DS is doing online work and if I need to I can homeschool (how on earth I would get a child through the equivalent of A levels I do not know) with the resources the school provide online.

@RainbowZebraWarrior , I am so sorry to hear about your DD. My friend’s DD has also self harmed. I think you could look into homeschooling- there are groups who homeschool and they meet up regularly so your DD would still meet people. And many children who are homeschooled manage to go to college or further education.

I think we all need to support each other in looking after our children today and letting the future take care of itself.

Hugs to you all today.

Got to try and get him to a college interview this afternoon which I'm not looking forward to. He wants to go to college but not sure that means he'll go for the interview.