The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

Just wanted to come on here and say finding this thread has been a life line for me. 12 yo dd, school avoidant since covid but stopped going completely 12 months ago. Very likely ND but undiagnosed.

These last 4 years have felt like hell on earth. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm parenting a child who needs very different things from me than my other children and permanently trying to talk myself out of catastrophising that dd will never get an education or live a "typical" life. To just know I'm not alone is worth so much.

To all of you going through similar, i hope you all get your small victories tomorrow (mine will be if dd actually leaves her room. Might throw a party if that happens :)

I'm also a teacher and it's so difficult. DDs difficulties started when she was in Year 8. DH is also a teacher so since she started really struggling to attend when she was 13 I've had to leave her by herself on days when she can't go in. It's so hard. On the other hand I do feel that maybe school take what we say at face value more because they know we both work in education. At least they don't accuse us of not bothering to try to get her in.

My DD doesn't care about the impact on our jobs. She is autistic and struggles to empathise. I hope you have some success at persuading her to go in. We have had some success with a reduced timetable although as the term goes on she is finding it hard to even manage that.

Piony thanks for asking, this term is pretty much exactly as the above two posters have written. DD is on a reduced timetable, but attending infrequently. I’m trying to look into other options which is scary because there are so many pros and cons and I don’t feel I really know what’s going to work.. Pressure mounts up with each learning situation that has failed. I’m also gearing up for a fight because the LA knows the next more suitable options are all really expensive.

School have tried changing up some things which is great, but just not far enough from DD perspective. They can support SEMH in some ways but not in all the key parts. The sensory needs seem even harder for them to work differently, with despite good intentions.

It seems structurally very difficult making substantial individual adjustments at secondary level in MS because of the multiples of teachers to try to get on board. Because they’re all busy and stressed and they forget things. Those kinds of things can be crushing to DC who have already been burned by the school experience. So a different more suitable setting is probably the only realistic way but in reality those can be hard to find and hard to access.

I had a talk with DD last night, she was very upset and angry, she just can't tell me why. Wants to go to school but can't. Doesn't want to try a new school. Wants to see her friends but can't.

I stayed up far too late and sat stressing about it all, as a result I feel shite today. But just trying to get work done so I can do something I have control over.

She's going to my mum's this afternoon, she definitely seems less stressed when school is off the table.

I e tried the I'll lose my job route with her before, so many times. She used to get very violent with me and tried to hit me last night. Stopped her at least that time.

Ex has said he's moving next summer. Hasn't considered how he's going to get the children for his weekends. But at least I have the rest of this year with some breaks during the week.

He's going to have her at his Friday I think, so that's something.

Senco calling at lunch, so I need to tell her I want a plan in place, I want the pressure taken off for now and one person to contact, as I'm currently updating as bout 5 people at school and they don't seem to talk to each other. Plus an EHCP assessment. Is it too early to ask for online school provision to be put in place? I cant see her going back full time in the next week and a half at least. In year 10 so time of the essence.

Fun times!

Good luck with the chat with the SENCO.
I would definitely be asking for work to come home asap. Tell her what your DD has said.
I hope she is receptive to you. Good luck.💐

Feeling a bit better this evening, exhausted though, but a more positive day

Senco was pretty good, she's suggested bringing DD in just to chat about the work being set and if she has everything she needs, after school so no kids and hopefully less stress. Couldn't tell me not to stress her about getting her in but basically is assuming she won't be until half term. Said I can contact just her and she will sort the rest. Going to talk to teachers about making sure there is work for her to do and refer to school nurse team, plus early help, and will support EHCPNA. Also said she'll sort the unauthorised absence marks.

All positive stuff.

DD so much better after a few hours at my mum's, had dinner and just me and her tonight. Had to have quiet time once home, as my dad is a bit 'trying' blatantly autistic himself but doesn't know it at times so I don't blame her. She's agreed to get up for a blood test tomorrow to check for anaemia as she just so tired all the time, she's been joking about going for a maccy d breakfast after and agreed to go in on Monday to meet the senco.

So all good, although the senco did mention an alternative provision locally that's been brought up before, which I can't imagine she'd go to but it is the next step I guess. Just got to try to stop worrying about the future.

The weight just lifts off her when I say don't worry about school, just keep up with the work. I told the senco, she's a different child when she's not there. I've seen glimpses of her being herself when things are calm at school but right now it's just harming her.

Onwards and upwards, I have wine and day off tomorrow so a tiny lie in, no dread of how to manage the day when she's here alone.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

We have been told DD14 doesn’t meet the criterial for medical needs tuition 🙄 she’s tier 2 support not tier 3.

We did go round the school this afternoon though after they’d finished. She was OK. Went round with pastoral worker and our FSW. Thing is DD says yes yes yes to everything then gets home and panics and refuses when it comes down to it.

we’re trying Monday for 30 minutes.

not heard anything back about DD9 medical needs referral as of yet!

I’m so done with it all, I just want some normality back!

I’m also a little annoyed at the school. When I requested all the paperwork for DLA evidence they sent me the CAHMS consultation sheet. It mentions ADHD traits in home and at school yet no referral was made. Surely if a child is struggling and you’re noticing these traits a referral should be made? She still isn’t on any sort of pathway as the school and paeds are going back and fourth 🙄

After a week DS chose to get himself into school today (was meant to come to a GP appointment about something else) as he knew that was his best bet to get back to school.
He soon ended up in toilets crying and I persuaded him to go get help.

The Educational Psychologist tells me:
" have explained to Ben that he must push through and attend his lessons, for this to ease."
And
"Ben will find it extremely uncomfortable whilst working through these feelings, but please be assured he is supported at school and I will continue to work with him."

Is that reasonable? Sounds like torture to me. I'm not off work sick til end of week as everything has broken me too.

Apologies for fonts - on my phone and can't seem to fix it.

If I was any good at sending links I would post something by Dr. Naomi Fisher about 'exposure therapy' and why do we feel that force will help an a child who doesn't know why they are anxious. But I can only recommend her books or her reads on Substack and she's on Facebook.

@ImAlwaysknackered just not the right sort of adhd in their opinion to need a referral I guess.🥴

I've just had it. I'm so done. GP surgery mental health nurse was rubbish, offered nothing. School health team rejected triage because 'open to primary care'. Early help phoning Monday but no idea how helpful they will be. Just went up to her room and noticed she's self harming again. It's been nearly a year without it. I really thought we were past it. I kept calm but she just stared me down, didn't speak, angry look on her face and refused to answer questions. No idea what she's been using, probably a sharpener blade, that's what it always was in the past. I kept my voice low, said I was sad she had been but it was understandable, suggested whatever she's been using she should get rid of it so the temptation isn't there, told her if I'm worried she's going to be doing it then she can't be in the house alone (which she likes). Nothing from her, just stares at me like she wants to punch me.

I really want to get hold of her phone as I'm sure I'd find the answers there, but she guards it like a hawk and my monitoring she's not using it much, which makes me suspicious. She changed the code on it a while ago and I cannot get into it, which is ridiculous but I had to give her some trust. Regretting it now.

She's hopefully going to my mum's tomorrow then to her dad's for the weekend, I'm working a private teaching thing in Saturday and a night away with my partner thank fuck.

I'm just broken. Feel like running away. So selfish but I'm just thankful I don't have to worry about her for a couple of days, I will of course.

@ImAlwaysknackered our experience is our schools don't suggest assessment. Whether they just don't see it as their job, or they've been burned by parents taking offence, or they are overwhelmed with paperwork without adding to it... I'd be ok with it if I'd understood that they wouldn't, but like so many other parents we assumed that if school haven't said anything they think they're fine. It probably delayed diagnosis by years. I believe this is quite common.

@Witzendy indeed! As @Luddite26 said Naomi Fisher is worth looking up. If the child is right that there are stressors in the room that feel overwhelming then just pushing through is not going to help, especially if they have not been taught any strategies to break down the vicious spiral of thoughts and feelings.

@EHCPerhaps I know what you mean about each "failure" just making it harder. I'm sorry things are so tough.

@Icantpeopleanymore that sounds so scary. It's harrowing living through these things with them. My husband and I have both been on antidepressants - you sort of take on their anxiety I think. Look after yourself. Any work she can do from home makes such a difference - a complete inability to engage in any learning is much harder to come back from than not being able to go into a classroom.

People keep telling me these teen years are just awful for some but most do recover and stabilise when their brains mature.

well I spoke to community paeds who have said she was referred under ASD despite school telling me they thought ADHD. On one referral they’ve ticked social comm difficulties but on the CAHMS consultation they’ve said ADHD traits observed at home and school.

I know they coexist but I’d say without a doubt at the moment it’s ADHD that is out in front and causing certain difficulties.

I emailed school just to ask, very bright and breezy and polite. I got a rather blunt email back listing all the things they’ve done to support her.

I didn’t ask for any of that! I’m well aware of what’s been tried.

they have really pissed me off.

Have you replied @ImAlwaysknackered ? That isn't helpful at all. You hear all this 'be kind' and how MH needs to be supported but it's like people have a time limit in their patience with it or there should be a wave of a wand and everything is ok again or you become a nuisance.

I feel in some ways I've often had that time limit on my patience too as I remember when mine were teens and repeatedly self harming as @Icantpeopleanymore describes, I would fantasise about running away and moving anonymously to a seaside town to work in a laundry and hide from the life in front of me.
The self harming is still going on 20 years on. Despite being sectioned on occasion and horrendous occurrences she was discharged from MH services in the pandemic with nothing else they could do for her and a green light to self harm as much as she needed to because that is her coping mechanism. Sometimes you see new cuts and just wonder why sometimes a lot of blood on the sheets because they've cut too much.
I don't think it's something you can be seen to accept my coping mechanism has been to ignore it and just keep buggering on. I hope @knackered you have some success with early help tomorrow.
Last push this week to half term.

Sorry that's @Icantpeopleanymore good luck tomorrow with the call from early help.

Hi everyone!

I can relate so much to what everyone has said. My 8 year old son has EBSA since last year. He finds it so hard to go into school and tbh, I feel like it's when I take him that his EBSA is worse.

Does anyone else find that their child will go better for other people? It's starting to affect my mental health and confidence. :(

Issy it could be because that’s because you are his safe person and because he’s not masking with you.

Hi @issy1990 what is your son like when he gets into his class? How long has he been like it? How often do you take him?

I did reply @Luddite26! I just said right well I’m being told multiple things by multiple people! Didn’t respond.

not heard about another plan for DD9 trying to go back to school. She seems to have developed a phobia of being shut in a room, probably from when multiple teachers were around her and the door was blocked.

good news about DD14 though.. she went in for half an hour today!!! And when I collected her she said she could do longer tomorrow! An hour.

I am so proud, I truly think she has been in autistic burnout due to years of masking. She is coming out the end very slowly. 🥹

It’s been going on for about 18 months. He is under assessment for ASD. He is ok in class but very emotional at times, needs to go to a quiet space etc.

Do school cooperate with his need for a quiet space? How have school been with you both?

School have actually been quite good. He has his own table in the corner of the room so he has space, he goes to the rainbow room for quiet time, he can bring his Pokémon cards in etc. he just can’t seem to manage the classroom, he says it’s ’torture’. He goes to his other mums (same sex family) at the weekend and he goes with her to school Monday morning but won’t go for me Tuesday/Wednesday but tbh everyday is a battle. I asked him why he’ll go for her and he said ‘I’m scared of mama she’ll tell me off’. I think he masks with her and at school.

I hope you can continue to have some progress with your older DD @ImAlwaysknackered ?
Autistic burnout is so debilitating and different for every person affected but the effects can be devastating and people are only really building pictures up about it's effects.
Does your dd9 do any work from school at home? Or does she busy herself with books and things? Or is she still quite traumatised at home.
I know this is inconsequential but I keep thinking of my mum as she couldn't cope with people being sick near her and her dad used to hit her if she made a fuss about it. So I really feel for your poor DD as that must be an awful fear to carry especially in a school.

That's quite a difficult position for you to be in @issy1990 does mama discuss it with you?
My GS who started reception last year was masking terribly and it exhausted him. Everything in school was a struggle couldn't regulate his temperature etc uniform uncomfortable, pressure from toilet use, food issues, the noise and general disruption of early years just wasn't suitable for him. But he had been at private nursery from five months old except for five months in lockdown. He had some issues there but the structure of school was no good for his hyper senses.
Have you discussed with school that he's not so good going in with you and if so have they suggested anything to help.