The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

I know. I still commented 4 times and tried to fight back but it's totally deaf ears. Am quietly retiring from that thread now !

I had an ear bashing last week about home ed. And how school is essential for their formative years. Yawn. It was my boss but I just said you have your opinion and we will leave it there. Exasperating.

Whilst my DS is off school we have heard very little from the school. I was thinking they would want to at least check he is ok. He is end of year 10. We have applied for EHCP. He is receiving no help but just trying to catch up himself when he can. I know he should have had more help. He has been in and out of school for 18 months now with very low attendance overall. He goes in when he can but recently not at all. Like others he is suspected ASD.

DD refused to do her trial today, sat here in tears.

@lollipoprainbow oh no! What have the school said?

@Piperguru that sounds very lonely indeed.

@Piperguru

Sorry to hear this. I have been in the exact same position. No ECHP in place (school kept saying she wouldn't get one so I applied) and she was still on the waiting list for a diagnosis.

She has now got an EHCP and 2 diagnoses (Asd / adhd) and just about made it through 5 GCSEs but the thing that made the difference between feeling or not feeling able to take any was getting medical needs provision from the LEA under section 19. Admittedly things were very bad at home with my DD but if he has missed more than 15 (non consecutive) days from school then the LEA has to do something by law.

They talk on their websites about being 'offered' an alternative to mainstream on a temporary basis but tbh - it's not 'offered' . You have up Contact them and go on and on and hassle them until they realise you aren't going away. Tell them how bad it is and Cc the school into everything,

Sorry I know how awful it is

The 15 days don’t have to have already been missed. Provision should be provided as soon as it becomes clear 15 days will be missed and it should begin by the sixth day.

But why do you have to fight for provision? Is it because of funding?

@Piperguru

Lots of reasons I guess. Just like you have to fight for everything else.

Lack of funding
So many other young people who are struggling - even when things were really awful here there were always 'worse' cases.
It's also reliant on the school and the LEA (and the people working in them) being joined up enough to get things in motion.

It's definitely a case of 'the squeakiest wheel gets the most oil'

Don't rely on them to do anything that they 'should' be doing as it won't happen.. or it wi but just not at the speed you need it to. It's almost like a full time job I found.

@Piperguru Lack of funding, lack of recourses/staffing, lack of knowledge of SEN law, lack of understanding, incompetence. None of which are acceptable, lawful excuses.

Sadly, DC whose parents know the law and can enforce their DC’s rights get better support. It shouldn’t be that way, but it isn’t going to change in the foreseeable even with a change of government.

Unfortunately one also has to think about the training that teachers get on sen. One teacher can be life changing but in secondary that's one drop in the ocean. Senco can be brilliant and put small but impactfull measures into place but unfortunately a teacher can totally discount them!
Just not do it eg a card someone perhaps with adhd is supposed to be to discreetly flash at a teacher to leave them room.
Rarely happens, the student either can't get their attentive or when they do they are questioned in front of of the class /embarrassed /humiliated and often not allowed to leave.

A total lack of understanding about over stimulation and emotional regulation for children with autism, it's a nightmare.

@SearchingForSolitude unfortunately that only carries parents so far, having an ehcp is a yard stick at least to hold school to account in some of way.
But if teachers have no idea what it means to have adhd or autism how can they adapt their own teaching or remarks or anything to accommodate them?
Unfortunately knowing the law can't reach into that classroom with that teacher /pupil relationship.

@FundingitallHow of course a supportive school and staff is also important. I didn’t say otherwise. That doesn’t make my statement any less true. Even in a supportive school, a child whose parents know the system and can advocate for their DC gets better support. Even in a supportive school with supportive staff, parents often have to advocate for their DC and enforce their rights via the legal system.

So sorry to hear that. 💐
How are you doing today?

Anyone else dreading the return of school?

I haven’t missed the daily battles, the crying, the running away. 😔

We now have a FSW and a referral that’s gone to community paeds.

Me! Kids have been soooo much happier over the holidays. No self harming, fewer meltdowns, better able to tolerate clothes (not just pyjamas). It's almost as if the problems with their mental health are being caused by school 🤔. That environment is not fit for purpose for so many neurodivergent kids, yet we are told thst the kids and us are the problem.

We were on holiday last week and DS took to getting up early and going for a walk with DH. Apparently, one morning he said that he might want to go back to doing mornings at school (he has been attending for an hour one-to-one, twice a week for almost the whole of year 10). He didn't take his mock GCSEs last year and sad he didn't realise how much maths (his best subject) he'd missed until he looked at a past paper.

I daren't even mention this development as I feel like I'll 'burst the bubble'. DH is going to approach the subject with him this week so we can email school if he's still up for it.

I'm so overwhelmed with the feeling that this might be a turning point, I keep filling up with tears. I'm just keeping everything crossed right now.

The summer holidays have been so much calmer and DD has actually joined in some family days out.

DD finished year 11 so we are finally free from school. She managed to enroll at a local college so I'm just keeping everything crossed that she is happier at college and can manage to attend.

Hi all.

Some chinks of light this hols but DS is dreading returning to school for Y11. The prospect of attempting GCSEs and figuring out sixth form is looming large.

It's almost as if the problems with their mental health are being caused by school 🤔. That environment is not fit for purpose for so many neurodivergent kids, yet we are told thst the kids and us are the problem

Exactly this.

I’m not allowed to mention school at the moment and there is no wish from my child to see anyone from school all holidays, even though I could organise that. She is so much more relaxed it is great. The last mention of it my child said was a couple of weeks ago, that they couldn’t go back to school, but let’s see I will ask for another meeting in Sept with school to see what more support they can offer.

The staff just don’t seem to understand about the emotional side of support for SEN and keep telling me that ‘nobody else has’ such support, as if that means something really important. It’s infuriating.

Perhaps the other kids don’t have a consistent record of school absence and massive anxiety? Perhaps their parents found somewhere else more suitable to put their kids in? I’m not asking for something excessive and my kid has had to leave schools before, so it’s not that simple as just finding somewhere else at the moment.

I think my child has been happier too actually

I'm not really looking forward to it

We have a day to on next week to say hello and what not before everyone returns. Our FSW is coming with. She is really nice thankfully!

Well the mini transition day went appallingly. Ran away twice. FSW hurt her arm trying to get out my car quickly to try and catch up with her as she’s a bloody quick runner.

fuck

more positive about my eldest going, she’s going through all the motions and I actually think she might do it!

how has everyone else’s week started?

Oh no @ImAlwaysknackered , how upsetting. Do you have a plan for what happens next? Would more babysteps help at all - just driving into the carpark and then home first, then meeting a member of staff in the carpark and leaving?

DS is in. It's taken him a lot of "spoons" but he surpassed our expectations by a mile. I really hope he will cheer up from seeing his friends again.

I saw a Y7 or 8 sat in tears in the car. Ugh.

I haven’t posted here before (but read and felt less on our own) I hope you don’t mind if I brain dump.

DD is 13 and starts Y9 at a new school tomorrow due to a house move. The driving force behind the move was to get DD out of her previous school which was unsupportive, dismissive and at times a catalyst to DD’s spiralling mental health and inclination to go.

We are likely very similar to lots of other families with the way things have gone over the last few years. DD a quiet child at school but could be overly emotional/disagreeable at home, flagged in Y3 & Y4 as someone who struggled with concepts and separately possible dyslexia, although this was ruled out and put down to carelessness from reading and writing too fast.

Muddled through Y7 and then got to Y8 and things went to shit, desperately unhappy most of the time, struggled with rational rules/routines, explosive tantrums at home, school was a daily rinse repeat of DD being asked to do something she either did not understand or she did not find logically correct, a teacher trying to enforce it, DD becoming reactive and sent down to isolation which she would not pass (schools behaviour system) as could not sit still which then ended up in day spells of isolation which I’m sure you can all guess spiralled into school refusals and her becoming hyper fixated on being home schooled.

DD is now within the referral process, likely on a ASD pathway.

I desperately want to believe that tomorrow is a whole new start, certainly we have been very impressed with the school so far. (ILP put in place for DD starting and a Dyslexia screening in the first few weeks, the former something we still hadn’t got that at last school after 18 months of asking) but the anxiety and worry is making me feel really ill and I’m so worried for not only the affect and then ramifications that could have on her mental health and any unhealthy coping mechanisms that could lead too.

She has been the most wonderful child over the summer holiday, interactive, fun, open, lovable and while I know part of this is the changes we have made as a family to understand her mind a bit better I have this terrible guilt starting to grow that the light in her is down to being out of a school setting and I’ll very forgive myself if putting her back in causes more damage.