The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

I think I would ask to see if they have a policy in place.

How do you support a teenager who refuses all help?
He won't go to counselling. Won't see school nurse. He wouldn't engage with previous early help worker. He won't accept adjustments suggested by school. He won't even talk about school in a meaningful way anymore. It's like he's given up.. or living in a fantasy world where everything is fine. Whenever someone (school, early help etc) ask if he's anxious or has low mood or finds school challenging etc, he'll tell them he's fine, school is fine and nothing is wrong. I'm starting to feel almost gaslit. I can see his mood is low but I can't get him to see anyone or talk to anyone about it.

All he really wants to do is sit on his Xbox (which there are time restrictions on so he isn't on it all day - otherwise he would be). No motivation to do anything else. Won't do any school work from home.

Looking into an EHC needs assessment now with the template from Ipsea.. but I'm worried he won't even engage with the assessment if he gets one.

Does anyone have any words of advice or wisdom for me?

@10pfreddos won’t or can’t? I would suggest it is can’t rather than won’t and professionals need to alter their approach in order to get to point DS can engage. It would surprise you what a good EP/OT/SALT/psychiatrist/clinical psychologist can ascertain even if DC struggle to engage.

‘Fine’ is the easy answer. DS may not be able to explain further. He may not even understand it all himself. If DS enjoys gaming, have you looked at any provision that taps into that interest? That is often the way in. You could look at Mindjam. It isn’t therapy per se, but many teens find it therapeutic. There are alternative provisions that are based on gaming.

@DontGiveTwoHoots some questions to think about asking. They may not all be relevant.
Can I speak to the SENCO? (This is such a simple question, but you would be surprised how difficult this is in many schools.)
How many pupils with SEN do they have on roll? How many have EHCPs?
What support do they offer existing pupils experiencing EBSNA? (Asking about current students gives you an idea of what they actually do in practice rather than the hypothetical answer of what they would do for DD.)
Do you have somewhere DC can go at break and lunchtime if the canteen/playground is too overwhelming?
Is there somewhere DC can go to when they are overwhelmed during lessons?
Do you have anyone who acts as a mentor/key worker/counsellor for pupils who need that support?
Do you allow reasonable adjustments to school uniform where they are needed?
Do you offer enhanced transition arrangements for pupils who will struggle with transition?
Do you have any pupils who attend alternative provision?

Do you have a nurture group/transition group/SEN group? (Called different things in different schools, but some schools have a small group for pupils who need a half-way house between primary and secondary.) If they do, what are the criteria to be included in this group, how does it run, is it for Y7 or Y7&8 or KS3 or all the way up the school?

Excellent questions!

@SearchingForSolitude thank you for your response - I have been looking at mindjam actually and broached the possibility with my son this evening and he said that 'sounds class' (high praise indeed!) so may get him into the waiting list!

I also think you're right with fine being the easy answer. I spoke to him before bed and he said he doesn't know himself why he can't go to school so he just says 'I don't know' or says he's okay. We have a meeting tomorrow with school so I'm going to make sure I advocate that he doesn't understand and can't verbalise why so asking 'why aren't you in school' 100 times gets us nowhere.

Isn't it crazy that I typed that out earlier feeling so lost and hopeless but when I read your post, I just thought... of course. That makes sense. I feel much more contained and ready to take on school tomorrow 😊

@10pfreddos good luck with the meeting. If DS would be open to Mindjam, you could also look at some other provisions that are based around gaming. To give you an example of the types of things I mean look at Overworld Esports Academy in Surrey, Tubers Academy in the SW, Geeks Room in Leeds, Imbue ventures in Derby. There is also Code Ninjas.

How has the meeting with school gone@10pfreddos ?

@Luddite26

Horribly 😂 The Senco said that we needed to ‘explore our options’ to look at different schools if he can’t manage there and said ‘if you think this school is so terrible then you should look around’. When my son said he thinks he would feel the same in any school, all she said was ‘then you need to be in.’
Way to make him feel wanted 🙄 also this feels dangerously close to off-rolling..

Didn’t even get a chance to talk about SEN needs because she left for another meeting.

All they have done is given him a reduced timetable (again!) and emailed the teachers to say he’s struggling.

@10pfreddos follow up the meeting with an email so you have a paper trail as evidence. Don’t allow the school to off-roll DS.

A reduced timetable on its own should be short term aimed at reintegration. After this alternative provision should be made as well or instead of part-time school. Request alternative provision and an EHCNA using IPSEA’s model letters.

That is shocking @10pfreddos . To think you went in with hope to be treated dismissively is such a sad state for a senco teacher to behave. 💐

Hi my DS15 hasn't been in full time education since November. Its interesting reading about Burnout on here because that describes exactly what happened.
After being on anti-depressants since January he's slowly coming out of the burnout but when trying to go back in school is being sick with anxiety.
We've had early help, social services involved (both now closed case) but school haven't had a clue how to handle it other than a reduced time table which was reduced even more when he was set on in PE by 20 boys 'don't send him in for PE' was schools answer!
He's a twin, they don't speak especially after his brother saw the meltdowns over the last few months.
Wrote to school last week to say could we have support transferring DS to another school, got an email with a transfer form attached and 'sorry its come to this'. I feel so guilty, almost 'letting' this happen, I don't know how to motivate him. He won't engage with CAMHS or private counsellor..... I feel so much pressure that September is shortly with us and thats his last year

Sorry to hear what your son is going through.💐

Have you enquired at any colleges for your son to do y11?My DD did her final year in college and it worked well for her. She wouldn't have managed the rigmarole of another school.

Has your son been diagnosed with anything?

Try and step back from feeling pressure about September.x

@Sophrock won’t engage or can’t engage? More likely to be the latter. Have you considered a type of therapy or other therapeutic support that relies less on verbal communication and taps into any interests DS has?

Has an EHCNA been requested for DS?
Is alternative provision in place?

I would be wary of moving schools. It could be jumping out of the fire and into the frying pan, especially if an EHCP with the correct support isn’t already in place.

‘Only’ depression and anxiety. Because he won’t engage no assessment can take place, despite him sh, being in hospital twice and the Camhs team in hospital saying there was probably something neuro diverse going on. He needs cbt I think as his meltdowns/burnout manifest in anger.

Can’t, he doesn’t know why he feels why he does, school have dismissed his mental health and focus on education putting pressure on him (and us who have to have the conversations with him). He’s a middle of the road student who’s lost in life, unless he was high achieving they aren’t bothered!

@Sophrock you can request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. You don’t need the school to agree or do it. You can also request alternative provision from the LA. IPSEA also has a model letter for this.

I find it appalling that children can be assaulted at school and it all gets swept under the carpet. If a person in the street got set upon by 20 people it would be affray and prison for some.
Your poor son.
I would really be concentrating on his MH as much as possible now school and GCSEs can wait. He needs gentle support right now whatever he may engage with is worth a try. Mental Health problems do not just go away.💐

My daughter has a trial morning tomorrow at a school which I really want her to get a place in. She’s refusing to go! If we don’t do the trial I fear we won’t get another chance as it’s an independent school and quite select. Do I keep talking her round or just forget it? So frustrating.

@lollipoprainbow have you said that if she goes she can decide to start properly or not. But if she doesn't go she will have no choice.
What is DD thinking she will do instead?
Really hard for you.

@lollipoprainbow best of luck convincing her. Did she try a different school and they said no before? I'd maybe leave it for a while then revisit after dinner. We often go for a walk after dinner when there are tricky conversations to have.

We visited an SEMH school recently and it seemed utterly normal for students to be no shows or turn up very late for visits. We just had to get into the carpark really and then they were there to help with the rest.

Still no luck here. Being allocated a FSW shortly.

both DDs have a terrible phobia of vomiting. One DD is probably going to be referred for ADHD assessment whilst the other is already on the ASC pathway.

Having to read through the shitty thread about “school refusal TREND” is making my blood boil.

full of shite parenting accusations, as if we don’t WANT our kids happy and in school!

I always suspect those types of threads are written as a wind up or goading these days so many irrational views . They have no idea.

Trying hard to ignore but some of the bloody replies.