The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

@Sleeplessi as well as appealing for the comprehensive school via the normal appeals process, appeal the refusal to issue an EHCP.

We’re doing that too - mediation meeting next week - so hopefully we’ll understand more then. At least exactly where the LA is coming from which will help with the tribunal. And hopefully we can expedite that as he’s in a phase transition year
but thanks so much - it’s all such a minefield and we’re learning as we go…

Morning all.

After a few weeks of everything being ok on a reduced timetable feel like we’re back to square one. DD had a panic attack last night and couldn’t go in this morning. She’s tried to do some of the work the school send over but starts panicking as soon as she looks at it. There seems to be no reason for it, she said she hates being her. Younger DD also didn’t want to go in this morning after realising her sister wasn’t going which makes things seem even worse.

Just feel like quitting my job and homeschooling them both. Although financially we’d be screwed. I’ve no idea how to make any of this better.

@NeedAnUpgrade i could have written your post myself. DD unable to go to school today after a better week last week. She also can’t do the work as it is all too overwhelming. She needs a healing day before we try and face the world again tomorrow. It’s such a tough situation for everyone to be in and only those going through it truly understand.

Hope this doesn't sound flippant but when my friends daughter was going through this she used Bach's rescue flower remedies to help her anxiety.
Whether this worked or whether she just got through the battle anyway I'm sure we can't say. But at the time they both felt it helped.💐

I suggested rescue remedy to my son and bought him some. He just lectured me about gullible I was to believe in placebos. Which is annoying as I've used it for driving tests and fear of flying and even if it is a placebo it worked for me.

Another mental health day here. Gah.

I think I need tips on my managing my own mental health...how do we keep going when it seems so hopeless? I feel we have to keep trying to support them as parents even when nothing works - but I also feel like a dry reservoir sometimes. I start my new job in Thursday and desperately need to find some balance for myself. No need to reply. It just helps to write it down. I started an online journal today to see if that helps!

I know you said no need to reply, but I am anyway as I think this is a very important point.

I think if you're in this situation and you have other demands on your time; other kids, a full time job etc, it is nigh on impossible to carve out time for yourself. If you can though, try and just take 15 minutes a day. Even if it's locking yourself in the bathroom and running the filling the bath. I don't always get in, but I sit on the side with my feet plunged in, just breathing. It makes me feel a lot better.

Also, you're right to add notes/ feelings etc to a journal. I keep a health journal (I have to as I have to monitor pain and other levels) There have been a few times where I've just scrawled "Fuck this. Fuck this shit" all over the page. It helps me identify when it's becoming too much for me as I'm Autistic and It's imperative that I notice if a shutdown or burnout is brewing.

I'm (sort of) lucky in a way as I only have DD, but I'm a single parent and I'm disabled. Due to this, I now work VERY part time. I learned my lesson by physically and mentally wrecking myself over 33 years of demanding work. Yes, I had to adjust and re jig things financially, but I'd paid off my mortgage so it was doable.

My main thing is having just five minutes after getting home. Before I deal with dinner / feeding the cat / questions / issues etc, I just have that five minutes every day. I've built it in over the course of the last couple of years. I shout to DD that I'm 'having my five minutes' and I go and stand in the garden. She knows she can ask me stuff after that (and she does, it's literally questions every 10 minutes until bedtime at 10pm - I can't ever watch anything on telly with out having to press the pause button a dozen times - but she can't help it as shes AuDHD. She does try) That five minutes let's me go OK, here wr go..

I also try and grab an hour or so to myself on a Saturday and Sunday morning. Usually before she gets up. I wake up early and savour a bit of quiet time, just reading. Even if its stuff on MN. We do stuff together on a Sunday and try and fail to do some school work, but I manage to get us out an into town, even though it ends up costing me.

My Mum is in hospital at the minute, but likely to be discharged in the next few days. I've been honest and said I'm not in a position to care for her, so OT assessment / Physios etc need to be put in place. Years ago, I'd have been a martyr and tried to do it all and burned out.

@BrambleyHedge its such an important point and one that’s different for us all but find some time to do something that brings you joy or refills your energy cup. For me it’s fresh air daily. The dog walk, a quick 20min bike ride or slow jog. Ideally early morning when no one else is around. Gives me enough energy to absorb my DDs issues more easily.

Thank you @RainbowZebraWarrior and @SwimmingIntoSpring. You have some good ideas and I will make a conscious effort to find more time for exercise and to have some quiet time for myself. I'll have an extra WFH day with my new job so might make myself have a compulsory lunchtime walk.
I hope your mum gets better soon Rainbow.

How is everyone doing? Almost the Easter holidays which will bring some rest and recuperation for everyone. DD continues to intermittently attend school when she can. It’s not ideal although school are supportive of this. The only hope is that she is well enough to sit her actual exams.

I am looking forward to the Easter break. Not so much the going back to routine after!
DD year12 has been on reduced timetable since Jan. Was supposed to be a few weeks but she wasn't able to do anything more than am hour or two at the most.
She wants to try a full timetable next week. I am terrified to be honest!
We also have several health appointments camhs, eating disorder, psychiatrist etc so an awful lot of time goes in these.
On the plus side, she seems cheerful after ages. She recently started adhd meds and switched to a different anti depressant and thinks they are helping her.
I am still worried about her being able to cope at school. She has missed so much of work that it seems a mammoth task to catch up.
It is what it is!

Xx

I'm more of a lurker on this thread but I relate to much of it. I had a tense conversation with the attendance officer on Friday, who wanted to visit for a welfare check with DD3, who has been out of school since November. They last saw her a month ago. I declined. She said her hands were tied and she had no choice but to report that DD3 was a child missing in education. I said go ahead, but DD3 has made it very clear that she doesn't want to see school staff.

We're in the draft EHCP stage and it's clear that DD3 won't be returning to that (or any mainstream) school.

My stress levels are high.

I refused to allow school see dd, she was traumatised and I saw no value in their visits. They did refer to Social Care who phoned me. I pointed out that dd was seen by CAMHS at home fortnightly and the tutor sent by the LA and funded by the school twice a week so there were no safeguarding concerns. School had conveniently not mentioned either the tutor or CAMHS stating she hadn't been seen for months (since she last attended school) SW asked if he could confirm last and next visit with CAMHS and phone me back. He called back and said I have closed the referral. Hopefully if the school make a referral you will have somebody equally sensible.

To be fair, DD3 isn't seeing anyone regularly. But the school hasn't done anything that they said they would do, either. I agreed to online check ins. There was one. I agreed to meet with the SENCO and Assistant Head to discuss support for her. They haven't arranged the meeting.

I can't balance the distress it would cause DD3 to see school staff and the benefit to the school. I email every day to tell them she isn't attending. They've had Ed Psych, SaLT and OT reports this month. An EHCP draft is in progress, and I can't expedite that. But all the reports suggest that a mainstream setting is not going to be an option.

It's very frustrating for parents there is a complete lack of understanding. It's similar to Agoraphobia, and yet people who suffer with this are not forced, dragged out of the door to have to ensure 6 hours of mental hell just because it's deemed normal.
It's so easy for others to point fingers, yet most of the students that struggle with these issues are very intelligent and conscientious, if they weren't conscientious or bothered about school they wouldn't have these problems. The thought of not being able to attend school and take their exams only adds fuel to the fire. Most also have previous excellent attendance figures.
I have researched this issue in great depth and the best advice l have heard is from a Dr in the USA who has similar issues with two of his children. He says along the lines, you need to stop knocking on closed doors. continuously trying methods, routines that don't work and often do more harm than good. It's about the parent changing how they look upon the problem.
This struck a very important chord with me, when you can let go of how you think other people , teachers, etc are judging you, with no real knowledge themselves about the situation, with zero help, support and understanding. When you are confident enough to think ok, enough is enough, we need to think about a different route, we need to draw a line, and have faith we will eventually find out own way, that's when things change in a positive manner.

When I was in this situation with my DD one of the Staff members sent out to my home to oust my DD out of her safe place was a woman who when we attended toddler group together used to sit rolling cigarettes and joints with her baby in her arms. I refused her entry on the grounds she wasn't qualified for anything to understand our situation. Sometimes I felt I was going mad and we were alone.
I really don't understand why schools haven't got better strategies in place now.

I'm sure that people get stuck in a protocol and don't think of the child behind it. I spoke to the Child Missing in Education Officer at the LA, who said "Well would you rather the police or a social worker came out?" When I said "Yes, actually, that would be preferable to someone from the school.", she said "Well don't you think that's a huge waste of their resources??" I said, "An absolute waste."

But they can't logically hold simultaneously that they believe DD3 is in "immediate danger or at risk of harm" (the threshold for making a referral to social services or police, according to the statutory guidance) and that using such a resource is a waste of time.

I understand that they're in a difficult position, but so am I, and it's me who has to live with the consequences of their inability to manage DD3's school experience and the subsequent fall out. I'm not adding to it to make their, or my, life easier.

It is helpful reading everyone's stories despite it being hard for all of you. DS is sleeping later and later and not doing any learning or revision at all. He doesn't want to talk about it so apart from keeping him safe, fed and loved I'm out of ideas.

@BrambleyHedge

I think you are absolutely doing all you can for now. We have been through this for long periods of time and it really did just get down to forgetting everything other being fed, looked after, not talking about school, letting her know she was loved and trying to make sure every conversation was not about her so she didn't feel the like she was the problem or the focus the whole time. Sending stupid cat videos, telling her about something rubbish or funny that had happened to me that day, that and other things that might raise a smile. They just need to know you are there.

Sorry I haven't had a chance to read the most recent posts but have you tried him on melatonin gummies? DD was regularly up all night as she had intrusive thoughts when she was trying to get to sleep. Melatonin was a game changer for her and things started gradually improving once the sleep got better. I'm not suggesting it's the answer to everything but it definitely helped.

Oooh first time I have had a thread hidden. It was well meaning @BrambleyHedge but maybe it's because I asked if he had tried the meds beginning with M that you can't get over the counter in the UK that help with sleep.

Another miserable afternoon here. DD stays in her room for 23hrs a day and won't do on-line school work or see a counsellor. She's got mocks after Easter. I have can't even get a home tutor to reply to me, we live in a horrible estate so I assume they don't want to visit.
Strangely, she would be ok with a couple of her favourite teachers visiting every week. It's such a shame there's no capacity for them to do so.

@Taylormiffed it wouldn’t be the teachers from school, but home tuition is possible. Over time, with the right tutor, DD could build a similar relationship.

Thanks. I have thought about trying that but he seems opposed to taking anything. I can see your original post byw so I don't think it is hidden.