How common do you think involuntary childlessness is?

[Bumpitybumper]

I was listening to a podcast about the falling birth rate and began to think of friends and family members that haven't had children. I would honestly say that the majority had the desire to have children at some point but ended up without children either due to medical or fertility issues or more commonly life circumstances.

For the women I know, it was almost as if they suddenly ran out of time and found they had fertility issues when they decided they were ready for babies (usually mid/late 30s) or they either didn't have a partner or their partner didn't want children. I know lots of people actively choose to not have children but I would say this is uncommon amongst the people I know. I'm therefore wondering if my circle is unusual or is unintended childlessness a much bigger thing than we are led to believe?

Yes, based on my personal experience with family and friends, unintended childlessness appears to be a modern issue. I have learnt not to ask any old school friends if they've got children if I bump into them. I made the mistake and will not ask such questions again.
Christianity is on the table. It's appeal in today's rational world is a challenge. The Bible's lack of political correctness will deter modern audiences and striking a balance between keeping politics separate from religion while also addressing social issues is tricky. Take, for instance 21:17-23. Imagine if someone with a disabled child reads those lines. It's only natural that they would be completely put off, even if up to that point they'd found immense value and enrichment in the cross, engaging in acts of service and charity, seeking spiritual guidance from priests, prayer, and attending church and so on. And who could blame them? It's a tough sell, but perhaps worth considering if we could confront certain discriminatory elements. Again, tricky.
In any case, we already have numerous churches and cathedrals available, ready to be reopened if need arises. Just a thought, not convinced myself yet, but keep returning to it as a possibility.

I absolutely agree with this. The one woman I'm thinking of had her child as a single parent at 17 and is now a university professor. She didn't have an easy ride of it and had no family support; bringing her child up in a council flat with no money and the father left her high and dry. But she pushed and pushed to make something of her and her child's life and it motivated her to succeed. Whereas the rest of us were pissing around in clubs, she had her head down in books and made use of free nursery spaces at college to study. She grew up fast but having a child young was the making of her.

I’m in my 40’s and It just never happened. Never met anyone, concentrated on work and by 35 I had a breakdown dealing with it. Had to step away from friendships as couldn’t cope with seeing them with families as it was soul destroying. I’ve lived alone for years and it’s like a constant punch in the stomach. I put a brave face on when people mention children and make a funny comment about barely being able to look after myself, but inside I’m broken. I don’t live, I just survive for the sake of my family

You're right, it's impossible to say what would have happened. But I do know parents (of various ages) who are very insecure and self absorbed despite having had kids, so I'm not sure that I agree that we all grow up when we need to. Personally, I don't think I was ready, so I was glad that I waited. That isn't a judgement on anyone else, though, and I fully accept that some people will feel ready at a much younger age. And some will never be ready at any age!!

I think you're onto something. It seems educated women are disproportionately affected by unintended childlessness.

The first link dates back to 2013. The issue of involuntary childlessness isn't recent then but a growing concern perhaps.

Childless Working Women Ask, 'Is This All?'

Upwardly mobile women in educational terms delay their childbearing much more than downwardly mobile one

"Under 24’s are at the higher risk of pre-term birth than women in their 30’s. So no 19 is not a good age. 30-34 is the lowest risk age group"

Source?

Even if this is true it will be due to demographics not biology.

If adult women are too 'immature' to be mothers we need to be looking at how society/parents/schools are failing to prepare children for adult life.

Having a dc in your 20s shouldn't involve your life having to stop. 24/7 childcare should be available to all.

It's so much easier to juggle work/study/childcare in your 20s than 30s or 40s.

Career tracks should be adjusted to work around biology rather than biology being manipulated to fit in with capitalist demands.

For most highly educated women, motherhood doesn’t start until the 30s

It appears to indeed be a problem but I can't see how then can this issue be effectively tackled if many of them have to choose between motherhood or career, during a time where the economy necessitates that both parents work?

Going through my friends and family

1 - desperately wanted but has life limiting disabilities
2 - didn’t meet the right person until age 34. Now TTC age 39.
3 - lesbian. Can’t afford IVF. Investigating other options.
4 - didn’t meet right man until age 42. He didn’t want children.
5 - has genuinely never wanted them
6 - only dates hideous men. Now 60 and still doing that.
7 - met and married nice man at 37. Now TTC
8 - has never wanted children
9 - has never wanted children
10 - various health issues including chronic fatigue didn’t think she’d cope
11 - has never wanted children
12 - has never wanted children

List goes on. That’s A-G in my phone contacts list of women over 35 who do not have children as a very tiny crap sample to analyse!

@Bumpitybumper

I definitely recommend you watch this:

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I think it's extremely common.
I longed to be a wife and mother. I find mothers day painful beyond measure. I wouldn't talk openly about this in real life, as I'd be making myself very vulnerable. I assume many other women in a similar situation stay silent for the same reason. So, there are probably many of us. Society isn't that kind to us, and assume we could have made it happen if we'd really wanted it to, which is very naive. So many ways someone can end up childless.
In my case, trauma and mental illness making relationships with men very difficult. Also a desperate desire for everything to be perfect for my children, and time running out mid-quest for perfection.
Ironically it's having been very motherly, responsible and conscientious that led to this point. Tragic irony.
I'm very spiritual though, and this is just one tiny moment of my eternal journey...

I'm 40 (just) and am involuntarily childless because I never found anyone to marry who wanted to marry me back. I didn't want to go down the sperm donor route but I may adopt or foster if life improves enough to allow me to.

From the way people speak to me in quite insensitive ways or assume I have children, I think it's rare. I don't know if it's just that people don't like to face the fact that it doesn't work out for everyone, and that there is an element of good fortune in meeting the write man or being fertile or it's just they assume every woman who wanted kids would have them and any one who doesn't never liked them.

I see people in our local community looking very confused when they see me doting on my nieces/nephews/godchildren/friends kids...a local gobby taxi driver started a rumour years ago that I was too stuck up and selfish to settle and have kids and I think a few people assume I hate kids or that I'm not maternal.

I've always felt like I was born to be a mum (and wife) and this journey has at times left me suicidal. The insensitive, judgemental comments from strangers have been especially upsetting. It's been especially bad from people in their 60s and 70s, mainly women but sometimes men.

Today there was a man from a local community giving out flowers to "all the mums".

When I was about 7 someone was doing the same (outside a church!) and I was with my Mum and beautiful Aunt who was childless but always wanted kids. I remember the awkwardness when the Vicar recognised she didn't have kids and that a school friend's Mum snatched them away from her and smugly said "these are for MUMS ONLY. Not for you." She was embarassed and devastated.

Anyway, I was prepared today for what was about to happen and got myself out of the way as he was handing out the flowers, probably looking a bit apologetic as I was feeling awkward. He came to me and pressed them into my arms and I went to say "I don't have kids" and, although he'd been saying "for Mum, thank you you are doing a great job" to everyone he just smiled and said "I'm from Nigeria and I was confused about today. Why isn't it just Women's Day? So this is for the Mothers and also the young ladies for their example...thank you, YOU are doing a great job by your example!"

So now, for the first time on Mother's Day I'm the owner of a bunch of daffodils and it's cheered me up whether I should have been allowed them or not.

I hope this is a sign of attitudes changing, recognising today can be difficult
for the childLESS as opposed to childFREE (as I'm assumed to be).

But I certainly feel like an outsider/rarity in terms of women my age.

I could have wrote this...thank you for expressing it better than I could. I feel like a "spiritual mother"...and yes a big part of why it didn't happen was because of my own childhood and not wanting to repeat the mistakes with the wrong man...and the right one hasn't shown up in time.

Hugs and solidarity. Maybe we'll get our answers when we see the other side of the tapestry at the end of all this...

I have a close friend who never wanted children but most women I know wanted them that haven’t. Also met two women through work who didn’t want them.

SIL and 2 friends never found a man to have kids with
One other friend did end up happy but didn’t meet her DH till she was 45
Another has a lovely DH and married at 26 but had 7 miscarriages and has no living child, she is in her early forties now. How that woman has borne so much tragedy with such grace I will never know.

Oh, that poor poor woman. That's horrific. Your poor friend. I felt almost broken with empathy reading your post. How unfair this world can be 😔