If you suddenly had to go into hospital for a few weeks...

[Goldbar]

Would your child get to school on time?
Would their packed lunch and snack be made in the morning just how they like it/would school lunch be booked and paid for on time?
Would they have the correct, clean uniform?
Would their reading and homework be done?
Would they have everything they needed in their school bag?
Would whoever was caring for them be aware of any special workshops/school trips that were happening?
Would they be picked up on time? Would whoever was caring for them have the school office details to ring if running late?

Similar details for nursery-age children.

How much organisation would be required on your part to make sure the above was achieved? Would it all happen smoothly, allowing you to recuperate in peace with an easy mind? Or would you hurriedly be messaging the after-school club details or school lunch account login as the anaesthetist arrived to put you under?

and not just someone, a woman. I'm assuming he'd be asking his mother or your mother but would never consider asking his father or your father.

my kids are older now, but dh would have always been ok.
They might have ended up in strange outfits, some things wouldn't happen, but the important things would happen fine.

There have been times when I am away and he just does it.
The worst was when we lived overseas. dc 3 aged 18 months was ill. She and I got on a plane. No idea for how long, assumed we'd be back in a week.
We weren't.
Dh had dc 1 and 2 for a month, they were aged 6 and 4. They were all fine.
He then packed for them and brought them to UK for the summer. So all that they needed for the following 3 months.
He got everything they needed.
(although at that age, I suspect mine did a fair amount of decision making!)

Ironically my youngest is now 16 and is autistic and he does worse now because he doesn't always get her nuance, so doesn't see her start to tip over the edge. But that is not the practical stuff, that is the emotional stuff. (and he is probably on the spectrum too)

I am going to say, I simply would not have married him if he was not capable of making a meal and washing a load of laundry.

the most unattractive thing in a man to me is domestic helplessness.

This is pretty outrageous.

Why is it so hard for him? If he was the one doing to hospital, his work would have to wait

And it's totally unreasonable to expect grandparents to uproot themselves to do it

My DH would be absolutely fine. He would need to juggle a bit more but he could manage everything .

I would get stressed on my return when nothing is in the place I deem it lives but Ieverybody would be fine

It would be chaotic but DH could probably cope because he had no other choice plus My mum, mil and sisters in law would step in to square him up and help with kids I’m sure. Always left to woman sadly !

can I just say - my mum, original 1960s feminist ALWAYS invites dh and kids to dinner when I am away for a week.

When he is away for a week, does she invite me?
no.

To be fair when I called her out on it, she hadn't realised.

I wouldn't need to worry, everything would be be fine, he is very involved, knows all her clubs etc. He'd just need to get added to the school newsletter and the site for topping up school lunches.
If it happened to him i would be mostly fine, though i don't drive so getting to swimming lessons would be a pain but do able with a friend who also goes, office days would be a bit busier with getting her to breakfast club then going for the bus, making the bus back home to collect from after school club, again work are super flexible so would all be do able.

Women are socialised to ''be kind'', be the ''carers'' etc especially when it comes to pleasing men. It's ingrained and it doesn't surprise me that she didn't realise she was doing it.

I'm glad you pointed it out, I think that needs to happen more.

I agree. I think if you need this sort of help, you need to pay (a lot) for it.

Of course, then you have another person/work stream to manage (nanny/babysitter/childminder).

You have to leave food/spare clothes/money for playgroup/instructions for school pick-up. You also have to tidy the house before they come. And you can't be late for them with no notice either.

Whereas grandparents are easy - they might be a bit put out but they'll muddle through.

I reckon DH would be on the ball with most of it. Possibly not homework, but everything else. I had surgery 18 months ago and was off my feet for 2 weeks and, with a few tweaks to the routine in place, he managed very well.

DH. He may would have to ask the odd question as I am the one registrered to pay for school things for example.

But he gets the same emails I do, he knows how the washing machine operates, he can cook and is 75% already the driver for various hobbies.

We have a shared calendar so he knows all timings already.

Drop off/pick up was sorted for nursery and primary school anyway, I travelled for work (often up to 2 weeks) so he knew the routines.

Train you partner if you have one for these things.

I worked away a lot. My husband did everything. It was fine. We had four primary/ nursery children. He worked from home while I was away.

I did the same when he worked away.

Hmm. It was some years ago now, when I went overseas as my father was dying. Basic set-up fine as DH usually dropped DS to school anyway, by bike. Then DH was knocked off his bike and broke his collarbone. We both had contact details of a small group of parents who could potentially help with a lift home after an after school activity, but I was the one who phoned to sort it out ...

Actually, having read the rest of the thread, your scenario is the kind of situation my mother would indeed have happily flown over to help in, with my father's agreement. When my eldest was preschool and hospitalised she dropped everything (including work) and flew over within 10 days to stay "as long as I needed her". I was very lucky.

Depends on the grandparents!

Neither set of ours would be willing to be treated like that.

It's shocking that your DH doesn't plan to put himself out even the tiniest bit to be present for his family. Both my parents and in laws are somewhat sexist types but they would all be horrified if my DH expected not to have to lift a finger to look after his children in general, let alone if I was in hospital.

I am very sorry that you have to deal with this.

To be clear, if the grandparents are willing to come and help, that's lovely but it sounds like your DH expects them to take over your role completely so he can continue completely as normal while they skivvy for him.

My MIL would have DH's guts for garters if he tried that on her and my dad would be incredibly angry on my behalf and try to persuade me to divorce as my DH was being a selfish wanker.

My DH would have NO CLUE whatsoever. However, my parents are local and retired. They'd immediately move onto spare room if there was an emergency and would liaise with school directly for any details they didn't know. I suspect they'd also ask our (very lovely, but only ours for 2 days a week) nanny if she could do any overtime as my 4 DC are quite a handful at times and my parents are over 70.

So yes, I'm 100% certain everything would run totally smoothly. But because of my really amazing mum, but DH.

The thought has depressed me....

DH would be fine. He always gets the dcs up and dressed in the morning and drops the eldest to school. He always does bath, stories and bed for DC1 and often preps their school snacks. He'd struggle with dealing with both dcs at home as we normally split them between us. I'm a sahm and take DC2 out to toddler classes during school hours, which he wouldn't be familiar with but the details are in our Google calendar. All of DC1's after school clubs are in the calendar so he'd know when to do pickups, but he wouldn't be able to take her to one of them as usually I take her while he looks after DC2 (it finishes too late for me to take along DC2 as well). We tend to share parenting and household tasks between us daily, so doing everything on his own would be exhausting (it would be for me too, if he ever had to go to hospital or go away, I'm glad he doesn't have to travel for work).

Well, this post is anxiety inducing... 😬

My dp wouldn't cope we have 4 primary school children all with different hair types (curly/afro) they go to 2 different schools in two different villages.he would try his best tho and that's all I'd ask

Yes pretty much all of that would be fine, we share doing all of those things anyway so he knows how and does do all of the tasks at some point in the week. Apart from hair, as he isn't great at it, so that might be a little messy but thats not the end of the world.
He would need to sort something for school times as we work at different times so one of us is always available for school runs. But he is a very organised man and he has a fair bit of leave so I wouldn't be worried about it.

This did happen when I was 6, we all stayed off school until mum came back as my dad didn't know how to do most of that. We watched films in the living room, entertained ourselves and mostly wore pyjamas and dress up clothes for a week. We also ate a lot of canned soup and bread. It was fun at the time but not ideal.

Yes, his dad and I are not together, we coparent 50/50 and honestly he is a better and more organised parent than me a lot of the time.
So my dc life would continue quite smoothly.

In your situation, I'd be telling my husband that I would be seriously considering whether I wanted to stay in a marriage with someone who would prioritise work over family even in the short term.

I would also privately think over whether he would actually cause any major problems for you or the children if forced to look after his children without relying on grandparents: would you come out of hospital to find your child's nursery place terminated because he had turned up late for pick up too many times? Would the children be going hungry because he didn't make the effort to get home early enough to make them a decent meal, or think to prep food the night before? If you think he would manage to step up and get the basics covered - keep the children safe, fed and happy without long-term repercussions - then I would insist on it. If not, then you might have to beg grandparents to help. But I wouldn't stay in that marriage, I would be absolutely disgusted to be married to someone who would let his children and wife suffer just so he could keep up with overworking.

Breakfast club opens at half 7, DH leaves for work at 20 past 7 so he would have to arrange with his boss to be leaving 20mins later than usual. He also wouldn't be able to book the club either because he doesn't have the log in or know the website etc to book it.
Uniform would be clean but not ironed. I currently sort both but he would step up to washing it but wouldn't bother ironing. Their shoes would be filthy, they play in the mud at school and I clean the shoes, he wouldn't bother.
Reading would be done, but probably not as often as I do it. That's the only homework they get.
No need to sort lunches as they get free school meals in infants. He would sort out their bags, it's just reading books and water bottles. He often does that anyway, probably more than I do.
After school, sometimes I pick them up, sometimes they go to after school club, sometimes grandparents collect them. I suspect he would rely on grandparents to pick them up every day. They only do 1 day a week at the moment.
Basically all would be fine, except breakfast club!

Forgot about special days, the only one would be remembering p.e days. He might fall down here. He asks me every time but I feel like he does know and he asks out of habit (very annoying). He also does this for meals etc that we have planned together. Like I'm somehow better at remembering than him, I am not.