Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

[KarenNotAKaren]

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

• Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
• Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
• Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
• DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
• Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
• Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

People are reported to social services not schools.

If I said I was going to report this girl to SS they’d probably support me.

I’m a wet lettuce because I won’t behave like a demented scally? OK.

It’s relevant as to why a stern talking to with mum and dad won’t work, and why it’s increasingly hard to get this girl to change her behaviour

you can talk to other peoples kids

there is no rule saying you can’t shout at another child as long as it’s not threatening

why are adults so scared of kids ?!

again op, perhaps your post gave wrong impression and that’s why replies have been so harsh

i think for me, and maybe others, we’ve watched our dc be bullied relentless. Be attacked physically, be emotionally bullied on social media

weve seen the months and months of no action from schools or authorities - especially in secondary school when so much happens off site and on social media when schools don’t get involved

what will you do then?

if this is just name calling, i can imagine why you don’t go in all blazing. But you do need to grow a back bone. If your dd is a victim now, sadly she’ll likely be targeted again, honestly i’ve been there. Some kids re naturally more vulnerable and give off a certain ‘easy target’ vibe

You need to act because you have years of this ahead and schools are way less involved come secondary where they literally view it as the norm

I haven’t ‘let’ anything happen.

I swear it was SO hard not to say anything. I just glared instead but like I said the thought of embarrasing DD was at the forefront of my mind

What answer are you hoping for op? Obviously not the suggestions made here as you seem passive- you have not taken any action, chatted with headteacher and signed someone's letter is really not classed as action. And will not stop bullying in today's schools.

If ypu don't want to act how about her dad? Could he contact the relevant people if you feel unable?

Your poor dd, I hope somewhere along the line a teacher or friend teaches her how to advocate for herself and stand up and do something when everything is going wrong. Good luck to her.

Well you seem to care more about how other people see you and you're very concerned about your reputation. And obviously, a lot of people are like that but it won't help your dd.

You still haven't answered why you've not involved the police?

About 2 months

Yes I did! It never happened again and his mum later apologised to me (I thought she was going to go mad as I angrily confronted her son). She said she wasn't aware of the bullying.

We had almost an identical situation- even down to the girl being looked after - though it was in Yr7.

The school’s hands were tied and like so many others, the bully knew how far she could go in school premises to not be excluded, but was a free for all outside of school.

After the it happened a couple of times, she was confronted and that was a bust. She basically shouted ‘you fucking cunt’ repeatedly. Nice

What did work was reporting it to the police, who were actually very good. They stepped in where the school couldn’t. She ended up being charged with malicious communications and was eventually excluded from the school. However, this was several months after we moved secondary, but she had moved on to some other poor sod.

OP, please don’t rely on the move to secondary making things better. It will get ten times worse. I would give the school two opportunities to resolve it then I would just bypass them and go to the police. The school are completely ineffective when there is SW involvement unfortunately.

I’m not too scared at all - I just don’t see the point of behaving like some Scally for it to have zero effect. It would be far more damaging for DD than it would do good.

I should add that DC2 goes to the original secondary - his choice. He had a couple of incidents of some little shit pinning him up against the wall etc. I reminded the school of DC1 and my tolerance was zero, so I would go straight to the police if it happened a second time.

I always follow up comms with an email, clearly stating that my child has been physically assaulted whilst in their care and they have failed in their duty to them. I’m also quite honest that the police will be my next call. Seemed to work second time around but that’s because we learned from the first time to just go big or go home rather than wait for the school to act

Anyway - if anything physical happens again I will speak to the school and say i want to discuss contacting the police. Luckily we have kept a diary!

To threaten to kick someone’s back doors in is violent Chav behaviour and would be unhelpful to my DD. I’d much rather be a wet lettuce mum (if that’s what you call people who don’t resort to violence I can live with that£ than an embarrassing Scally mum

Just call the police. You don’t need the school’s permission and it doesn’t require a discussion. Tell them afterwards that you have.

They’ll only tell you they can’t advise you on what to do and it’s up to you blah blah blah. They don’t want the hassle of police involvement but it does stick a rocket up their arses 😇

She is starting boxing next month - martial arts is great, my son goes, but I feel like what DD needs to learn is how to land a solid punch should she ever need to

You would if you worked in that field and the child reminded you of X Y Z child

Well we obviously move in different circles as I don’t know anyone who would physically threaten a child or their parent.

I. Dont.

FFS this thread is exhausting

bloody hell op!! are you an older parent?

because you keep saying “I won’t act like a chav etc for zero effect” etc

but everyone with experience has said confronting parents and children DOES have an effect

NOT one person on her has said otherwise!

Many have also said after months schools did nothing! in their actual experience

if you’re scared, that’s fine!

but do not dress it up as not effective - because it 100% is

youre just too scared to do it!

bit confronting is 100% effective whether you like it or not!

op

kindly 1 this is why your child is the victim

you enable it

@KarenNotAKaren you're getting a hard time here

I think confronting the parents is risky. They might be bigger / more threatening than you are

But I agree with PP, you don't need school's permission to report this to police

I would also look at contacting your MP

And, if you have legal expenses insurance as part of your household insurance, it might cover the cost of a solicitor's letter to local authority. This can be very effective

No, you need to contact the police yourself, now. Not think about talking about it with the school.

OP you’ve had far more advice than just to confront the child or parents, but you’re knocking back all posts as advocating criminal acts, and listening to the hand wringing “there’s not much else you can do” posts, when there is plenty you can do without being a “scally”.

Here are some that have been mentioned:

1. Police
2. Report each and every incident through all channels (governors, OFSTED, council)
3. Gather all parents of children affected to meet with school
4. Insist that school takes the safeguarding of your daughter seriously (sadly in too many cases like this it takes calling police for schools to step up and act appropriately)
5. Do not accept that school are doing all they can - they’re not. If this child is getting any opportunity to bully others then there is still action to be taken. If she needs full supervision to prevent children being harmed then so be it. If you don’t push for your daughter’s sake, no one else will.