Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

[KarenNotAKaren]

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

• Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
• Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
• Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
• DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
• Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
• Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

@KarenNotAKaren

Still haven't answered if you could encourage your daughter to go to martial arts classes ect?

Spot on - the red tape is suffocating, and stories from when people were at school 20-30 years ago are not helpful because the education system has changed remarkably

Exactly. My husband is apparently a criminal for going to the parents door and threatening them. But guess what? It worked. My DSS wasn't bothered again by the bully.

Don't know where they live? When it comes to your child you fucking find out. Someone will know.

To answer the question op, yes I did confront the bully. But this was secondary school. I told him he's better be looking over his shoulder for the rest of his fucking life. And I mean it - I don't forget.

Plus I managed to kick him in the back of the legs hard while moving past him at an event - I was apologetic of course in public but with a steely glare so he knew it was me and had been done on purpose. And yes it did work.

School are not doing enough OP. I teach primary and have taught children just like this bully. She needs to have a bespoke behaviour plan. Every minute of her day should be monitored and thought about. Where she sits, the route she walks to get to the toilet, the table she's on in the hall for lunch etc. At no point should she ever cross paths with your DD or any other victims.

Once that is in place it is very straightforward to manage as a school and is remarkably easy to monitor. You need to be making merry hell until this happens. It is standard practice and I'm amazed it hasn't been set up yet.

Is it a single form entry primary school? If not the bully should be moved to a different class.

The school have seriously dropped a bollock here.

You've had lots of advice and honestly it's your dd. If you don't don't take any more action then the school won't either, not sure why you're not taking people's advice about reporting it - signing a letter to governors is not reporting it- ypu need to write to governors, safeguard lead, social services gp and police- its been going on for 4 months and its nice all the teachers know but it's having no affect. Please take advice abd take action for your dd- show her ypu will protect her and a lesson on how to stand up for herself, you both sound very passive.

I genuinely don't remember saying anything apart from my message that's still up!

Quite. She’s even said that the kid walks home. Follow her! Discreetly or not so discreetly.

Sadly the OP sounds like a drip that hasn’t dropped and is setting a terrible example to her child who will no doubt end up being another wet adult that won’t advocate for her children and the violence will continue.

The person who wrote the group letter did this and did a very good job, quoting their policy back to them. Governors sympathised but essentially said that the Headmistress is to deal with this in partnership with the teachers and together they would form a plan to tackle the issues and keep children safe yada yada.

what op wanted to hear is poor she, she is doing amazing, and there is nothing she can do and secondary school will be all dandy. Feel like people who experienced bullying and are telling their stories are wasting their breath here. I wish the best to your daughter op and hope she gets out of this ordeal with her mental health intact as clearly she is not going to get any real help to put a stop to this from you.

All I know is, if any of my daughters were going through this, I would do whatever it took for them to not be in the same space as this violent bully.

The op doesn't, imo have her priorities straight. Learning support and the fact that her cousins go to the secondary school around the corner shouldn't be the main considerations above putting distance between her and someone else who is using her as an emotional and physical punch bag.

The OP has started the thread, asking if she should confront the bully but has no intention of doing so before starting it. It troubles me that this bully is cheerily saying hello to her - she clearly thinks that she can get away with this.

Have written to the governors - or rather another parent on the same boat did.

Her parents don’t turn up to meetings or respond to messages.

Believe me school bully's family they will soon start taking things a lot more seriously if social services are involved that's for sure,
in more ways than one,

I always forget that not everyone has seen the worst of the worst like I have but most people judge others by their own standards and assume this to be true. It’s not. So many parents DGAF. I worked with families who lived in absolute dumps with literal shit in places, mouldy food and stinking home and you’d say “If you just start tidying The kitchen, just the kitchen so you can safely prep the food for the kids, and you that way you will show us that you’re making improvements.” These are people on the verge of having children removed from them. They wouldn’t clean the kitchen. People who didn’t work and had plenty of time, and they would do it. Sadly some parents don’t give a duck, they honestly don’t.

Honestly if I were your daughter I'd be dreading going to the same school as her. Is there no other school she could go to? High school is ruthless and this bully is only going to get worse, if she has shit parents she's likely to go off the rails in a bad way and bullies literally do seek you out. High schools aren't that big 😞

My bullies used to shout at me from across the tables in the school dining hall, horrible! I know there are bullies everywhere but this just feels like a good opportunity to escape this one before she finds a gang of others to torment your daughter too.

Age of criminality is 10 - get the police involved. But also, ask school what steps they’re taking to keep your dc safe. They have a responsibility. When my dd was kicked to the ground by a boy 2 years older (second event) I emailed the head teacher to ask what steps following the one day suspension would be put in place to protect my dd. I explained dd would not be attending school until I was suitably reassured. I met the Head teacher the next morning at 8am and the bullying dc had a week of indoor play times with one friend only and a supervisor and then they were allowed outdoors but supervision continued.

@KarenNotAKaren as your obviously an intelligent person and know the system I would say some of the responses on here are indicative of the issues we have in schools.

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

Some of the replies on here. People should be ashamed of themselves. It's like a baying mob.

Why haven't you involved the police??

If the teachers dont or wont sort it i will.
Bully my children i will bully you i dont care what your age is where your from how big your mum and dad is.
I dont care for the police and i have no limits to what i will do.
I have no regrets and no remorse.
The end.

This happened to my child when she was in year 2. The bully kept on pinching her. I told my daughter to tell the teacher who did nothing. I went to the teacher who did nothing. I told my daughter that when the bully pinches her to shout out. She did and the teacher reprimanded my daughter.
So, I waited at the school gate when she came out with her mum and asked her is DD her friend to which she said yes.
Then why do you keep on pinching her.
Her mum was so shocked and apologetic.....that put an end to it.

Thankfully it doesn’t result in bruising. She doesn’t especially hurt DD when she does this it sounds like it’s more more about enjoying restraining her and watching DD squirm.

It breaks my heart.

OP writing letters means shit

your dd leaves school soon

school aren’t doing anything because they know it’s someone else’s problem soon!

that’s what schools do, wait for the problem to move on

Not because they don’t care. But because they won’t have time to make any difference between now and July so won’t bother.

you asked questions

we gave answers - answers which yielded the results YOU want

But you carry on signing letters. Head in hands. I hate being so honest but i see parents like this all time and their kids are either the victims or belive it or not, the bully’s. Bully’s are equally taught to have zero consequence

you are not teaching your child consequence

Honestly you have exhausted the ‘standard’ route and i agree you shouldn’t have to get involved yourself

but now it’s time to stand up for your child. Are you scared of this 10 year old? You know you can’t be arrested for talking to a kid don’t you?!

You've been advised multiple times on this thread to call the police. Why on Earth haven't you done this?
You've clearly not "exhausted all venues" as you claim you've done. And if you don't want to move your daughter, then what more do you think people can say?

I wouldn’t confront a parent of a bully but I would (while no one was in earshot) threaten the bully. Horrible it is, how can nobody be doing anything. Expel them with strong words & set an example.

I don’t understand how an adult could get into legal difficulties for calmly but firmly telling a 10 year old to lay off bullying their child or there will be consequences. Ideally with other adults there.

My friends son when he was a tiny year 7 was being routinely bullied by an older lad and his cronies. My friend followed him into a shop shoved him against a wall and told him to stay away from her son or else. Never a problem since. My friend is quite bonkers though and that could have backfired on her massively but didn’t.

I have twice. I've just been called disturbing on another thread for insisting children answer the question when you ask why they behave cruelly to others but I have done that twice to bullies and once to DS1 and not let them get away with 'dunno'. They really don't like to be made to think about what they are actually doing. Most people tell them off or use a punishment. Doesn't work. What works is insisting they understand their own behaviour and own up to it.

Right.

I don’t live in a rough area and I also like not having a criminal record