Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

[KarenNotAKaren]

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

• Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
• Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
• Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
• DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
• Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
• Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

I agree. The buck stops with the Local Authority. It is they who have a duty of care.

You say this girl is clever, she never crosses the line of going too far so she clearly understands right and wrong.

Why does her possibly having an abusive upbringing make a difference in this situation? Your responses have come across as though you are trying to excuse her behaviour and I know you've said you aren't but repeatedly talking about how you think she's in such a situation isn't relevant at all. Her home life is none of your concern, the only thing you should be focusing on is protecting your daughter from physical and mental harm, whether that's by going to the police and pressing assault charges against the girl & advising other parents who's children are victims to do the same if they feel necessary, seeing if the school can put her in isolation, repeatedly questioning what they are doing about it, don't stop until you get answers.

You would if you worked in that field and the child reminded you of X Y Z child

I wouldn't. My own children are my priority and I don't get caught up in the whys of other people's horrible behaviour.

@KarenNotAKaren
Was happening to my nephew for long enough, his mum went to the mums door so many times last time she went told the mum if your son continues it with my son I will beat you, well it never stopped, his mum went round knocked on the door the mum answered and my nephews mum took her by the root out of the house, stopped after that.

Speak to the police. Write to HT, governors, OFSTED each and every time there’s an incident

Have you tried this OP?

If not, are you willing to?

Contacting these parties (perhaps other than the police if you feel unable to) literally every time there is an incident feels like something productive to put pressure on the school.

The squeaky wheel and all that.

Are you willing to do that to all parties starting now?

You keep saying you don't want to report to the police or SS but haven't said whether you'd be willing to contact the other official parties literally every time anything happens. You haven't done that yet and I can't work out why you haven't confirmed you are willing to starting now?

This thread is frustrating because the OP started it saying that she's at the end of her tether but is not listening to constructive advice and seems more concerned about how people view her and the area she lives in.

Very true and I dont know why people keep wasting their breath with suggestions when the OP hasn't even reported to the police. OP is there a reason you are reluctant to get them involved?

@KarenNotAKaren

What kind of experinces did you have in school growing up then?

If you were a child or teenager being bullied in school like your daughter is,

Ok role play senerio situation,

what would you have expected and would want from your mother or father to help to prevent stop ✋️ this bullying happening to you then?

Or

If a good friend or a member 🤔 of your family had a child who was experiencing bullying like your daughter is

What advice would you give them to help ensure the risk of their child experiencing bullying would stop or not escalate then?

Do you think what you doing to help your daughter is effective enough to help prevent her being bullied then?

Just wondering,

What kind of message impression are you giving out by the way you are addressing this issue,
in regards of the school and the way you react to the school bully then?

Do you think you are advocating to the best of your abilities on behalf of your daughter or do you think someone else would be far more effective than you ?
whether a trusted good friend or family member ect?

@KarenNotAKaren

Be honest are you scared 😱 of your daughter's school bully's parents then?

Why are you so reluctant scared to have a word with school bully to tell them not to carry on like this and you will report them to the police if this carries on then?

Is there someone in your family who could do this or family friend then ect?

Wow this thread is an exhausting read. The op has had to repeat herself a million times.

its not realistic to suggest the op goes banging the doors down of this child’s house when there is social service involvement and domestic abuse. Op could be the one coming from there with a black eye no matter how full of adrenaline she is.

op, school need to have an adult stuck like glue to this child. I understand the difficulties (I am a teacher) but it is a priority for the safety of the children that the class TA is used to monitor this child. The school should really be able to apply for funding given the situation and the social service involvement but I appreciate these things often take too long. Schools current steps are not working and so they need to do more. You and the other parents need to be firm on this. Your battle is with school, not the child or their parents.

I also agree with PPs about involving police and local authority (if school is under the LA)

The school need to up the ante. Ask the school to provide you with a written record of the actions they are taking to keep your child safe from harm when she is under their care. Some suggestions I would have are - one to one supervision of the bully, forcing the bully to be picked up by a parent EVERY lunch time and returned to the school in the afternoon, a safe space for your child to go with a friend of her choice during any break, never being left alone with bully, bully being moved class away from daughter (providing there are two year 6 classes).

If you have serious concerns that the child is being mistreated or neglected at home then you should call social services.

I literally have

2 months actually and I have taken advice.

How can I write to the GP of a child when I don’t know who she’s registered with?

Spme odd advice on this thread.

Hahaha first of all you actually don't know everything about your friends, that is a ludicrous claim. And secondly, calling anyone chavvy is rude, bullish and paints you as someone with rather a superiority complex.

Which of my very sensible, law-abiding suggestions constitutes 'behaving like a demented scally'?

I'd venture the PP meant your own daughter's GP as and when she is injured by her bully..........

i am not going to stalk a child FFS just to find out where she lives because I won’t be behaving like a fishwife and threatening to kick her mum’s back doors in.

Im a drip because I don’t resort to violence - the very thing I’m teaching my DD is not OK?

Yeha I can live with that thanks.

I don’t have to take anymore the (frankly bonkers some of it) advice been given.

A PP gave a good example of what to say to her early on (“It stops, now” or something along those lines I’ll have to look back) im far better to do this than to tell her I’ll be violent if she’s not careful.

That’s all very noble I’m sure but it will end in things being worse for my DD and me having the police at my door.

Not helpful for my DD.

The relevance of this girl likely being in an abusive household is that until that abuse is addressed by her parent or the authorities she will continue to bully others. Sadly parents who are abusive purposefully evade authorities - it’s in my interest that her home problems are dealt with because the sooner they are the sooner she will stop picking on my DD! But of course the school are not going to share their safeguarding concerns about another child with me i can only hope that it’s being dealt with so she stops taking her anger out on others. With children like this that’s all the will work - not a shrieking lunatic parent!

I started the thread at what 7pm and I should ah e called the police by now?!

Police involvement is something i would inform the school about first, I do actually want to keep a good relationship with them if I want the best outcome for my DD

People have said “Have your written to the governors” and when I’ve said yes I’m told it’s not good enough?!

I very much implied short of physical violence and threats what else could I do - and a few non-twats have given me some good advice, which I’ve staged II will take (but keep getting bellowed at that I’m a drip and I’m doing nothing 🧐). But I suspect a lot of the crowd here were probably this girl 20 years ago judging by the way they speak to others!

im also not scare of children (!) O am thinking of my DD. Who would die of mortification if I got mouthy with this girl or followed her home. The kids would be following with me as I do pick up, and that would make DD feel uncomfortable - I’m not prepared to do that. She’s treated badly by this girl, she won’t be treated badly by her own mother just because a few chavs on MN called me a wet Lettuce

I forgot to mention, the secondary she is going to, that she wants and deserves to go to, really won me over last October as it has a zero tolerance approach to bullying and this was reflected in their reports. So yes I do have more confidence when she goes there things will change WRT how easily they can exclude her. Like I say - she might piss off a strapping year 9 and be put in her place. IME the ones who think they’re billy big bollocks in year 6 are soon (literally and figuratively) smacked down if they try that approaching secondary school.

<Sigh>

I didn’t say I needed their permission. Jesus! But I do want to keep a good relationship with them and so I would inform them. Call me old fashioned, as much as people on here swear it works, I don’t think being the parent who goes in all guns blazing and pisses teachers off and doesn’t communicate is the best way to help my DD