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Original poster

Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

483 replies

KarenNotAKaren · 18/01/2024 18:48

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

  • Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
  • Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
  • Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
  • DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
  • Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
  • Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

OP posts:
Alwaysanotherwine · 18/01/2024 22:15

op

you may think that we behaved like violent chavs but my dd suffered for 3 weeks

how long has your dd suffered? I think that says who dealt with it better whether you want to hear it or not

simple fact is your too scared to step up for you dd. And that’s ok. So call the police. Call someone else but Do something

Notanotherbloodynamechange1 · 18/01/2024 22:16

KarenNotAKaren · 18/01/2024 22:12

Trust me I’m angry but I know my DD and behaving like a violent Chav will make it worse for her and she would be mortified. I’m not humiliating her to do something that will have zero effect anyway

Show quote history

Calling standing up for your CHILD being a ”violent chav” says it all about you really. Shame on you. Your poor DD having such a wet mother that won’t protect her.

Original poster
KarenNotAKaren · 18/01/2024 22:17

MyopicBunny · 18/01/2024 20:49

This girl seems very clever - like she knows exactly how far to push it before not going further. For example she’s never punched anyone because I reckon she KNOWS that’s a step too far for the school. Again i think this is a symptom of living in DV.

You needs to stop focussing on the bully and why she's doing it. It's not your problem or your daughter's problem.

FFS.

IM NOT

Im explaining how she’s switched on enough to make sure there’s no smoking gun in excluding her. She knows all out violence is what gets kids excluded and she teeters near the edge of that but never crosses that particular line. I’m trying to explain to people who can’t understand why she isn’t excluded (who knew I could just ‘insist’! Hurrah!)

OP posts:
cerisepanther73 · 18/01/2024 22:18

@KarenNotAKaren

Can you encourage your your daughter to go to martial arts classes,
it will help her to improve her cofindence and make new friends

There's all various different displines of martial arts,
she will have fun to participating in this too..

Original poster
KarenNotAKaren · 18/01/2024 22:18

livingthegoodlife · 18/01/2024 20:51

don't be afraid to move your child to a different school just because of the short time left. it could make all the difference to her self esteem. take her side and protect her. it might also have the effect of the bully losing interest and forgetting about her by the time they get to secondary school. i would be seriously looking at a different secondary school as well.

With respect I know my DD and what would work for her. This would not work. She would absolutely hate it.

OP posts:
MyopicBunny · 18/01/2024 22:19

I'm sorry, you are - you are clearly giving it a lot of headspace because you talk about social services and signs that they are involved with this child and why in many of your posts.

I wouldn't even have thought about those things 🤷🏻‍♀️

Alwaysanotherwine · 18/01/2024 22:19

and my post told you it absolutely had an effect

as did everyone elses post

in fact not a single person who spoke to the child or parent has posted that it DIDNT have an effect!

hear what you want to hear

I do wander if the bullying isn’t as bad as you say

bad bullying would have most parents up in arms - not signing bloody letters on the playground

Original poster
KarenNotAKaren · 18/01/2024 22:19

Illpickthatup · 18/01/2024 20:53

My DSS was being bullied. My DH found out where he lived, went to his door and told the boys dad if he didn't sort his son out and DSS complained about his son picking on him again he would be back to the door and would kick the dad up and down the place and he'll keep doing it until the boy stops.

As you say, children who bully usually have problems at home so this needs to be dealt with at the source.

Yeah I won’t be doing that and neither will
DH because we are not criminals - as tempting as it is it will only get US in hot water and solve precisely nothing. I don’t even know where they live!

OP posts:
MyopicBunny · 18/01/2024 22:20

And like I said, the reason schools don't exclude children is because it costs them financially.

spicedlemonpie · 18/01/2024 22:20

My sister did confront a bully but it was a teacher not a child she was arrested.
After evidence was shown the teacher was fired.

TheFormidableMrsC · 18/01/2024 22:20

I have, twice. No regrets. Tried to speak to parents, was ignored. My son is autistic and a target. One child I caught openly laughing at him and nudging his friend to join in. He didn't know me but I went up to him and said "why are you laughing at my son". He didn't know what to do with himself. Muttered something. I said do it again and you're going to have a problem. Not happened since. I am sick of having to tiptoe around bullying little arseholes who have no consequences.

I've been through this before with my now adult child. The resulting mental breakdown and anorexia that ruined her teens means I will respond with absolute fucking rage if I see fit.

Original poster
KarenNotAKaren · 18/01/2024 22:22

DuckDuckHen · 18/01/2024 20:53

but when you have no power and have exacerbated all avenues what do you do then?

But you haven’t. You haven’t rung the police, you haven’t insisted to all adults in the school that this behaviour is completely unacceptable and stops now. You keep making excuses for the school and the bully, and you’re angry at posters making suggestions to help your child.

The other child shouldn’t even factor into this, your daughter is being physically abused - sort it out or move her to a place where she won’t be bullied! She needs to know that you’ve got her back and that you won’t accept anyone treating her like this!

FFS

im not making excuses. I’m ignoring any dim enough to keep accusing me of this.

I have told the relevant adults in the school this behaviour is unacceptable. I’m not an embarrasing psychopath so I’m afraid o won’t be going to the pre school teacher who is in another building to tell her a child she doesn’t teach and never claps eyes on us a bully. The junior staff who come into contact with them are all aware anyway, they have been briefed by DD’s teacher to look out for bad behaviour at break times.

OP posts:
HellooomeeeCheese · 18/01/2024 22:22

Have you written to the governors?

Can the bully be moved to another class and permanently be excluded at playtime.

I would say this has to happen, to keep your daughter safe, or move her.to another school.

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 18/01/2024 22:23

Well, let me tell you a story OP…

when I was in year 7 I was being bullied by 2 girls in year 9. At home time, they would follow me and mock me in the street. One day, the ‘cool’ one had a lighter that she placed next to my arm in full flame mode. Had the wind have blown, I would have been lit up in flames (as I was wearing a jacket).

I told my parents, and my dad from there on waited for me on home time just across the school at a distance.

As per their usual routine, the followed me but my dad was keeping an eye on me. The moment they crossed the street, he grabbed them and told them to leave me alone otherwise he would tear their heads off.
Might be controversial, but it was very effective and it had put an end to their harassment.

Original poster
KarenNotAKaren · 18/01/2024 22:24

Bakensmile · 18/01/2024 20:56

Insane that you are sending your daughter to the same secondary school as her bully. When your daughter is old enough to reflect on her formative years and the emotional support she received from you, she may be bitterly disappointed, I certainly would be. I would have removed my daughter a LONG time ago (you are right, the bully won’t be excluded) and certainly wouldn’t even consider sending her to the same secondary school! Your poor DD.

It’s an excellent school that’s around the corner (next closes is 15 miles away, a long bus ride) her cousins go there and the learning support is outstanding. Why should she be deprived of that because of one horrible child?

The bullying started in November - no I didn’t remove her because I wanted the chance for it to stop. So a bit weird to say you’d have removed her a LONG time ago.

OP posts:
cerisepanther73 · 18/01/2024 22:25

@KarenNotAKaren

Why do you give a care so much about the school bully's issues cause of her background,?

by being like that,

You are undermining yourself and your daughter too,

Absolutely Bonkers !

HellooomeeeCheese · 18/01/2024 22:26

We went to a school that had a friendship group time, where everyone had to include and be kind to the bullies....you can guess how effective that was!

Notanotherbloodynamechange1 · 18/01/2024 22:27

I am actually in disbelief at your responses.

you’re almost claiming to be taking the moral high-ground over this. DO SOMETHING.

Even if you don’t want to physically touch the child, put her in her fucking place verbally.

you yourself are becoming an absolute victim TO A TEN YEAR OLD and her scumbag parents.

get a fucking backbone before you destroy your child’s self esteem and let her go through life never having an example of being brave or even advocated for.

Original poster
KarenNotAKaren · 18/01/2024 22:27

Giltedged · 18/01/2024 21:08

Well, this is a supportive thread Hmm

You're doing fine, @KarenNotAKaren . You are quite right that changing schools at this stage is unlikely to be helpful and that as you point out screaming in the playground or following them around or similar is not only unhelpful but wouldn’t be tolerated by the school.

Hitting back isn’t the catch all solution some think it is. It only works if a) the child is likely to gain the upper hand and b) feels able to do so. It would be nice if one clean punch and the bully is cowed forevermore. More likely is the bully hits back harder and then you have an escalation of violence and aggression.

I do think it would be worth discussing with school withdrawing the girl from mainstream lessons, but of course you can’t demand it.

It’s a tricky one but I wouldn’t confront her either.

I really hate it when people say “I was bullied then one day I punched them and it stopped”. Yeah I tried that - I missed the target and then it got worse. Isn’t exactly the perfect fix. DD is half a foot shorter and about a stone lighter than this girl. Physically she doesn’t stand a chance.

I have told her though that if she need to punch her until she knows how to punch, go for the boob (she won’t she a gentle soul always has been!)

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 18/01/2024 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Capsicumus · 18/01/2024 22:27

Hey op, it sounds like you are not doing enough tbh, and that may be you are not a confrontational person, which you dd may have learned from you. You started this thread asking if anyone has confronted, so you toyed with the idea. But every single one of your posts is defensive against anyone suggesting you do something other than complaining to the school. You even are complacent in send your dd to the secondary school with this bully!!! No that is not ok OP. You need to change schools if you dont want to confront. Secondary school bullying can be very damaging. Perhaps you are ok with that if that happened to you, but you have a duty to be a stronger person for your dd. School wont sort this out. You should. Dont corner her, but find a way to show how serious you are or threaten her with calling her parents. If you can’t do this, you need to change schools. Dont minimise it. Dont get defensive saying you did everything you could cos you didnt. Dont say secondary school is big and this bully wont seek er out. You dont know that. You want to risk it? What will you you do if she does? find another excuse for it? Ask the secondary school again to intervene? You need to solve your own problems sometimes in this life op. Sorry I dont mean to be harsh, but you need to resolve this.

MyopicBunny · 18/01/2024 22:29

Bullies should not be given air time about why they are the way they are. They should not be enabled, regardless of their home lives or background. Some people are just horrible actually. At 10, change is possible but it's not something I'd be focussing on.

Original poster
KarenNotAKaren · 18/01/2024 22:29

Giltedged · 18/01/2024 21:15

And you don’t think that listing another parents failings, as you see them, is bullying?

I do. If someone stood in front of me and listed all the things they perceived to be wrong with my parenting I would call that bullying. I would say that was cruel and spiteful. It certainly isn’t helping, is it?

I agree.

Bullies on this thread.

Sadly for them it hasn’t worked, I know I’m a good mum and being supportive of DD. But in that I won’t embarrass her by shrieking in the playground or squaring up to another mum and nor will I take her out a school she loves.

Ill take the risk that she will feel I didn’t do enough - but knowing her like I do she’d be far more traumatised from me showing her up than she would about the fact I countersigned a letter written by a much better wordsmith than me

OP posts:
Mumsfishnets · 18/01/2024 22:30

This is so hard but I don't think it will achieve anything. I think you need to focus on your child's self esteem and look into support she might need.

It's really good you've maintained such a good relationship with the school. Ensure that they had over notes to the secondary about this bullying and make sure it is documented as physical bullying. I would also contact the school well in advance myself to ensure they are in no classes together.

LightsCameraBloodyDoSomething · 18/01/2024 22:31

One final thought, OP: It seems like you honestly think you have no choice but to write a letter and hope the bully's parents attend a meeting. And if that doesn't work you have absolutely no control over your own life or protection of your child and just have to shrug your shoulders and keep sending her to risk being physically assaulted and psychologically messed with for the next EIGHT YEARS while crossing your fingers maybe one day it'll stop. So that's the message that gets passed on to your child as well.

Again, bluntly, teaching someone they lack agency in their own life is a great way to set them up for depression.