Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

[KarenNotAKaren]

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

• Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
• Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
• Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
• DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
• Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
• Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

I like what @Paddingtonthebear said actually - could you make it clear it the school that seeing as the parents are avoiding contact with them that your next step will be the police? Suggest the school might like to inform the parents of that, and see if that changes their energy

op

i get it

my dds have been similar over the years it’s sadly common

but it puts whole new slant on entire issue as school probably done see point of isolating them given your dd engages with her most of the time outside these incidents

qnd it doesn’t sound like your dd wants to step away from her

I think expecting the school to do anything when your dd hasn’t tried the one basic first reaction kind of undermines the whole thing and i can see why school haven’t acted more tbh

not saying that it’s dds fault in any way but dd could help herself and is choosing not to

I think the lines might be a little blurred with your DD still hanging around with this bully.

As she is only 10 years old, if it was my DD, I would be making sure she didn't hang around with this girl under any circumstances and I would expect the school to keep them apart also.

While it is always good to take your child's views into consideration, they don't always know what it best for them and in this situation, perhaps it would be best to make sure they stay away from each other, whether your DD likes it or not.

I agree with those who ask 'where is your anger'?

Enough already with the poor neglected, child story, you have no idea if this is true or not. Your posts focus on this aspect and I am guessing you are proud of seeing yourself as #bekind type of parent.

This bully girl is not abusing your child because he has a difficult home life. She is bullying your dd because she can. That's it. Because she can. Otherwise she'd be bullying the teachers and children older than her but she isn't. She is bullying your dd because she thinks your dd is meek and an easy target. And she is bullying your dd because she has no empathy. Not all kids, not even most, who are abused or witness DV (you don't even know if this is actually the case) bully their peers. This girl does because she finds it convenient to use your dd to feel powerful, she has a nasty personality. People who pick on those they deem weaker or meeker than them are despicable creatures and at 10/11 this girl know what she is doing.

By rationalising why this girl is being horrible you are undermining your dd, I feel sorry for her. While you are polishing your halo, as you are oh so able to see all sides, your dd will end up feeling guilty about hating or at least disliking the girl as her mother tells her this girl has a difficult home life. It doesn't matter, there no need to look for a reason in why this girl is doing anything, look at how your dd responds and what she can do to defend herself. IME, these bullies never pick on strong, athletic loud mouth type of kids, no it's the quiet, kind and physically smaller or slighter / slimmer ones.

I would tell school they are failing in their duty of care and are not safeguarding your dd. They need a 1-2-1 TA to keep a close eye on her at all times, although by the sound of it, this girl would still find a way to bully, it's how she feels powerful.

Work on your dd's body language. Tell your dd to stand tall, hold her head high and lift her chest at all times in school. Body language is a more powerful communicator than words which the bully can turn around and use against you. Let your dd do a sport, not necessarily boxing but that's ok too. Running, team sports. If you have no way of avoiding the same secondary ensure your dd joins team sports if she is sporty. If needed, she can talk loudly at bullygirl and make fun of her a few times.

Bullies do pick easy targets. Don't let your dd be an easy target. Telling her about this bully's supposed difficult background is not helpful.

brilliant post @BeeWax

but brace yourself…

I am really happy this worked for you, what an awful thing for that bastard to do.
But can you* *imagine what would happen to the adult doing this in 2023? It wouldn't be worth it, and yes I can see your point of view.

Yep, agree with above. As I said, work on your DD’s confidence, self esteem, standing up for herself. Until that’s sorted she is vulnerable to this sort of bullying. Make it very clear to her to stay away from the other girl, she is not helping herself at all if she is not making it clear in school that she is being targeted. None of this is her fault but it’s clear she lacks confidence and self esteem. The bully sees this and it makes it even easier to keep repeat offending.

Op I really feel for you.

having read most of your replies I think you are doing everything possible. When I was 11 a girl gave me a really hard time and I did punch her. Not proud of that and it was very out of character but it did work.

more recently I was a parent on a school trip and overheard some bullying comments. I said to the kid - ‘ I heard that xx ‘. It shocked them. I prob should have relayed it to the teacher but I acted on instinct. No idea if it would work with this bully. She might like the attention and inadvertently make it worse. Very tricky situation.

Unfortunately I was in your daughters position when I was in Primary OP, bullied for being seen as small & weak. I also had a very naice mother who wouldn't have dreamed of behaving like a " violent chav " or a " demented scally ". She passively spoke to the teachers, who didn't really do much either. I was told over and over we treat others the way we would like to be treated. That bullies bully because they are sad, lonely etc.

I wish she had had the courage to really stand up for me, I wouldn't have been embarrassed at all.

If the opportunity arises again, and the bully speaks to you - telling her that if her behaviour continues unfortunately you'll have to involve the police sadly, is not violent. If your daughter sees you asserting yourself & her it may just give her the confidence to aswell.

Also I would keep pushing the school - what is their bullying policy? Do they have “anti bullying ambassadors? At our school Y6 students are involved in this and they do regular assemblies around it. Is the teacher speaking to whole class about bullying and toxic behaviour? Are other children seeing or experiencing any bullying? Just be a constant pain in the ass until people start DOING something

@BeeWax
Brilliant post

@regenerate i thought you were leaving?

@BeeWax what do you expect an angry poster on an internet forum to say? Capitals and exclamation marks on every post? Just because YOU don’t see it it doesn’t mean I’m not angry. But the bottom line is: how does being angry on MN help my DD?

You didn’t see anything rude?? You obviously missed the poster who victim blamed my DD and said if she’s anything like me no wonder she gets bullied

That’s nice for you but you are not my DD and she would be embarrassed and it would solve nothing. Like I’ve said many, many times.

I am not repeating things I’ve already said about how I’m not making excuses, how screaming at a child won’t work and I’m not responding to posts that assume I haven’t said or done X Y Z with my daughter - if you want to know how I empower her or how I build up her confidence e you could ask rather than guess that I do none of those things?

how so?

Curious.

Having a dig at OP by making the suggestion that she and her child must have special needs. And intending that to function as some kind of put-down?

It reads a bit like the sort of thing bullies do?

@cerisepanther73 how is that a 'brilliant post'?
I am shocked at the amount of ganging up and bullying of OP when they have been nothing but receptive.

@greyflannel oh come on. A lot of people have tried to give good advice to the OP and she is the one that has called people pricks, dicks and bullies.

What she fails to see is that most of us are not being nasty - we feel sad for her dd and we feel that there are better ways for her to stop this. It doesn't make any sense.

I don't know what anyone is getting from this. Either side.

I can understand why anyone would feel defensive about what they may see as an attack on their parenting. But if you ask for advice from people on a public forum then you may hear some things that are uncomfortable. I've been there myself.

I missed that - who said what now?

Well if you want to believe that I've suggested you go to the police because I'm a nasty person then there isn't really anything I can say to convince you otherwise.

A lot of us know exactly how it feels to be bullied and frightened at school and that's certainly why this thread made me respond in the way I did because it is still with me today. People take their own lives because of bullies.

Some of the comments on here were out of order - like the person who said that they aren't surprised your dd is bullied - that was wrong. But most people haven't said that.

Don’t be obtuse . Not falling for that doe eyed “what did I do” shit. You know fine well it wasn’t because you suggested going to the police. It’s because you constantly demanded answers from me, very rudely, and when I’d said numerous times I will go to the police and say something non-aggressive to the bully, you kept saying “WHY WONT YOU GO TO THE POLICE OP” and “WHY ARE YOU SCARED OF A CHILD”. A thinly veiled to get your kicks by being shitty to another person.

How on Earth had me saying people should be be pricks if they don’t wanna be called pricks has been deleted and the victim blaming post still stands?!