Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

[KarenNotAKaren]

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

• Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
• Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
• Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
• DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
• Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
• Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

she is worried how she comes across to school governors

Why are you making things up? Seriously it’s embarrasing. I’ve literally never said or implied this.

FFS next someone will post “Why are you hugging this bully every day OP and letting her punch you”. I’m not answering questions from someone who is fabricating stories this way.

You need to stop barking questions at me like I’m obliged to answer, I’m not quite sure who you think you are but if you’re like this IRL I’m amazed you aren’t constantly in fights yourself!

You're right. I've wasted enough time on this nonsensical thread. Stupid me for having empathy for a child who doesn't have any control over her own life. You just get on with it - not sure why you even posted this thread. You said you wanted advice but it doesn't seem like it.

According to your own words, your daughter was physically assaulted again yesterday by being pushed over on the ice. But you’re going to wait for it to happen again before calling the police. Ok…

The bullies that are also 'friends' are the worst to deal with

100%

She comes home some days and I ask what she’s done and she will tell me that her Linda Sharon and The Bully played such-and-such game together at break an they had so much fun and I think “FFS DD” and I want to give her a shake.

Before anyone accuses me or being a drip - I DO tell her “Why do you play with your bully - she’s horrible to you don’t reward her with friendship”. I’ve told her that she is anllowed to bomb her off and DD sometimes says that things are improving because bully has been nice all week (it doesn’t last) and sometimes just says that because they have mutual friends she has no choice, the bully clings onto them.

it’s a nightmare and a minefield.

Invite the child for tea (go mcdonalds and park, not to your house) and have a word one on one, then drop home to parents later and have a word.

however, if you feel she might be growing up in an abusive environment at home, she might be lashing out because of that. Just be polite and firm and tell her you wont stand for it

It depends - one who is DD’s best friend gets involved. Some of them stand by and don’t wanna get involved. My son who is 7 gets involved if he sees it and last week, the last time she pushed DD against a wall, my son went and gave her a kick up the bum (lol) and she grabbed his hand in retaliation, but it meant DD was freed. In fairness my son didn’t get into trouble for that and the bully had to apologise to him for hurting his hand and to DD for pushing her against the wall. But I’m having to apologise, she just targets DD more.

But the OP won't say anything!

Either you’re choosing which of my posts to read or you’re wilfully ignoring the key parts.

I have said I will say something. Several times. I’m surprised you missed it

Well DD has either been asleep or in school, and I also work, and there’s nothing new to say to the school, head or governors. Everything is documented, everything is logged and had the parents turned up today as planned for their meeting I’d have had an update but sadly they haven’t.

ODFOD.

So what - I am allowed downtime and to enjoy other things - in fact dwelling too long is very bad for me.

Im sure I’ll be told I have to type out a newsletter for the local community and spend my time posting it through doors, or spend my day stalking chidlren and throwing my weight around, otherwise I’m an enabling drip but quite honestly some of us live in the real world

Hang on a minute Jiminey Cricket wannabe - I thought a few posts ago I was apparently reluctant to to the police at all?? Make your mind up

Sorry but no chance. I’m not having that child in my car or in my company.

If it was me I would talk to the bully, respectfully, not go in all guns blazing. Its a sad state of affairs if adults are now afraid of children. Its no wonder some behave as they do. Clearly this kids parents don't care, she desperately needs boundaries and role models. Honestly I think you would be doing HER a big favour as well as your daughter. I think it's OK to call her over as she leaves school and confront her without a raised voice. Ask her why she does this, tell her it needs to stop, ask her how she thinks your DD feels, tell her you are considering going to the police etc but you would rather not so she needs to stop immediately, maybe ask her if there is a reason for it or does she want to talk about it etc. She might tell you F off or she might be sheepish, but she might stop bullying. You just don't know. If she doesn't then at least you tried something for now.

if your dd is still hanging round with her then ii imagine the school is massively frustrated

she is not helping herself at all

you can’t complain about her bullying and then hang out with her in between acts

that just makes it look like tickle tackle

shes either bullying her or or she’s not

you can’t go the police to complain about a child your dd continues to hang out with!

think there’s more to this and i can see why school haven’t taken it seriously

if it’s as bad as your saying dd should be avoiding her

Not the case at all.

My daughter has some problems with a few girls at her school - luckily not physical - and it doesn't matter how many times I talk to her, how many times I try to explain that she deserves better friendship, no matter how many times I tell her to steer clear of them, their fall outs only last a few days before they are playing again. Most kids just want to get on.

You can't come down too hard on them, because then they won't open up to you when it does go wrong again.

Also, it's tittle tattle.

you completely missed my point

The Op has thrown herself in to this thread, posting over 100x. And very lengthy posts at that.

My point is - FGS channel that energy in to actually doing something productive to address the situation rather than endless navel gazing

seriously

“everything is logged”

sorted then

2 months your daughter has endured this. Day in, day out. 2 months. But at least it’s all been “logged”

and the overwhelming majority of the 100 plus posts Op you have posted is basically just…. WTF, you’re wrong wrong wrong!!!

Im sure I’ll be told I have to type out a newsletter for the local community and spend my time posting it through doors, or spend my day stalking chidlren and throwing my weight around, otherwise I’m an enabling drip but quite honestly some of us live in the real world

and your “real world” approach is just to mumsnet.

I’ll bow out. But i feel very much for your daughter

Yes she should but 10yo girls are complex creatures, I’ve told her she doesn’t help her cause if she still hangs round with her but I can’t control her actions in school.

Such as? I’ve exhausted all avenues, I’m supporting my DD (who is at a friend’s sleepover tonight), I’ve emailed the Dorsey entire to DD’s teachers…what productive things should I be doing?

Rather than making constant snarky comment do you have a practical suggestion? Or you just like sticking the boot in?

Because I’ve been told to commit common assault sometimes against a child. Others have blamed me or my DD For her being bullied or claimed I have made excuses when I haven’t, those posters are just hard of reading.

that all warrants a “WTF” in my book.

See ya - take your creepy little bullying and tot lack of reading comprehension elsewhere

is this a one class year group?

the impression you give is that this abuse is consuming your daughter and has done for 2 months and no improvement whatsoever

in that situation i would hire a private tutor and get her out of the environment for the less than 2 terms remaining

if more than one class i’d be asking for my daughter to be moved class or the bully

Haven’t read all the posts as there are too many. I would be firmly telling my DD she is absolutely not to speak or play with this girl. It sounds like your DD lacks the confidence to 1) recognise toxic behaviour and 2) to stand up for herself so I would be looking at ways to help her with this asap - counselling for example. Otherwise secondary school will be a nightmare when she is viewed as easy pickings by others . I would ask the current school to sit her with anyone else but this girl and I would ask break times to be monitored for a period of time. If not I would make it clear I would go in to school myself to do this if they cant. As this girls parents fail to respond to school I would make it clear to school that any further physical incidents will be reported to governors and police. If your DD cannot stay away and recognise this girl is controlling and bullying her at age 11 then it suggests she is quite vulnerable and needs monitoring at school. If you can’t consider moving schools (I absolutely would tbh) then I would do all of the above but it will be tough now and probably even worse in a secondary school environment.