Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

[KarenNotAKaren]

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

• Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
• Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
• Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
• DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
• Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
• Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

I don't believe going round to the bully's house and/or confronting them in the street is always a good idea. I would be getting every agency involved that I possibly could though, and that also involves the police. There are so many legal avenues that could be addressed, such as harassment, common assault, assault occasioning actual bodily harm if there is an injury etc.

Additionally, the school have a duty of care to keep your child safe which they are clearly not doing. This also needs to be escalated to the head teacher, then the governors, then the education authority if needs be.

If you can afford it, you could also get a solicitor on the case whereby they send a strongly worded letter to the child's parents of the consequences should the behaviour continue. They could also write to the school outlining their duties and that they are failing. If that didn't work, you could consider any next legal steps.

What does your DD want you to do about the situation? Has she mentioned how she would like it handled?

Police intervention. Contact your Police Station and ask to speak to the designated police man / woman for your child's school. Don't tell the school until after you have done it . Get them to intervene

O/ P Before your child starts Senior School please go and see her HOY and tell them what's had been going on in Junior School and name this Child . Be very polite and very firm that you will not tolerate this Child's behaviour and that you will call in the Police if necessary and you want this child nipped in the bud . Escalate higher if needs be and make it plain this is what you will do . This Bully has a power hold over your child , she is probably a psychopath and this power hold has to be broken before she breaks your child .

Which is what I’ve had to put up with on this thread

”Go round and make threats” or “whisper to the child you will end her if it continues” is not constructive advice, it’s shit advice that will end in me being in handcuffs and DD being bullied even more. I have made that judgement and you seem oddly upset that I’ve made that judgement

You must be confusing me with another poster because at no point did I give you this advice.

I told you to contact the police but you don't seem to want to. Why?!

Can you seriously not see that you are messing up your daughters view on what healthy personal relationships and boundaries are?

If you’re referring to her as a ‘friend’ on here, I’m assuming you don’t shut it down when your poor daughter refers to her as a ‘friend’. She is NOT her friend, she is her bully and it will do your DD absolutely no favours to tiptoe around the fact that she is NOT a friend! If that’s what’s stopping you from having a gentle but firm word with bully/bullys parent, you need to wise up and think of your DD’s future and the impact this pussy footing around could have on her.

Your DD is a child and it’s your job to ensure she knows what a proper friendship is and how she should be treated. Atm I’m sorry to say it isn’t coming across like you are doing that.

@KarenNotAKaren

I know you've said you've contacted the school, LEA, board of governors, ofsted etc but my question was whether you are you willing to contact them literally every time anything happens. Even if that's every day?

There's a difference between letting them know once or twice and contacting them every single time. That is what people have suggested and what I'm unsure whether you've done / will do?

The problem is @KarenNotAKaren needs to be assertive in a way that shows to everyone concerned,
that she will not be "messed out with" vibes, air about her,
by everyone concerned in this matter regarding her daughters welfare,

she doesn't need to resort to physical violence,

At the moment @KarenNotAKaren is just coming across as a pushover,
that she will just along with whatever the school is like in dealing with the matter of her child,

No wonder 🤔 the school is OK with that,

it makes life a lot easier for them,

I think what's happened here is @KarenNotAKaren has been socially conditioning so much that she is worried how she comes across to school governors and everyone concerned in regards of her daughters welfare in regards of bullying issue,

The thing is issues like this even when they eventually stop happening
It can still have far reaching effects later on down the line,
dominoe effect,

The bullies that are also 'friends' are the worst to deal with. And this is all the more reason why there needs to be space between this girl and the OP's daughter.

If this is what becomes normal to her, it will happen in romantic relationships as well.

Your point doesn't make sense. I also don't think you'd need to constantly bollock her, telling her once I'm sure would be enough. You have a lot of excuses for the bully, as well as both the school and yourself doing anything to stop this which I find bizarre.

What about your DD other friends, do they just stand and watch? Maybe try to invite some of the other girls over or out on trips to help your DD build strong friendships and stop her losing self esteem. I think you are doing everything you can but I would perhaps contact the school again and tell them that while you appreciate everything they are doing it’s not helping your daughter and you feel you have no choice but to consider elevating it and contacting the police because your daughter is being physically assaulted and this girls home environment is not your daughters problem

@MyopicBunny

Oh my god that is so true

Makes so much sense what you said in you post just now,
Very good insightful spot on post. !

Well your non-chavvy tactics haven't exactly worked have they?

When my "chavvy" DH threatened the father of my DSSs bully the bullying stopped.

My DSS told my "chavvy" DH last year that a boy at school had been picking on him and was going round saying he was going to beat him up and my DSS was scared to walk home on his own. My DH told him to get some of his friends, find the bully and confront him, punch him if need be. If the school had a problem he'd deal with it. Guess what? The bullying stopped.

My dad was a police officer and we were always raised to never start a fight but to absolutely use violence if we had to and to stand up to bullies. My "chavvy" police office dad and my "chavvy" mum have had a few run ins with parents of bullies. There were 4 of us and none of us were ever bullied for very long.

So judge all you want and calls us chavs but at least the problem was dealt with.

And if you think the police will put you in handcuffs for confronting someone then you obviously live quite a sheltered life.

The thing is, the OP doesn't need to threaten this child. If it were me I'd say;

'I'm very disappointed to hear that you've been hurting Lucy and calling her offensive names because she needs help with maths. I thought you two were friends and you are making her life a misery. At your age you should know better than to behave this way'.

But the OP won't say anything!

My brother was being bullied in year 6 (going back 12 years now) school did sod all. it was awful.. both of the boys doing it come from problem families who couldn't give a toss. My sister cornered them outside of school (she was 15 so technically a child herself)
They both shit themselves, not something she's proud of but it worked and they never bothered him again.

Na she should be proud of herself. She stood up for and protected her little brother. She was being a good sister.

Do not say anything to this girl.

But do kick up hell at the school, they have a duty of care towards your dd whilst she's at school and they can't use the excuse of not being about to change the girl or that there are too many children in the class .if they can't stop this happening they should be excluding the other child. Follow the correct complaints process and go to the governors if you have to.

I'd also consider moving dd school or home schooling - there's no way I'd let this continue

You have posted very lengthy posts on this thread OP 98 times since yesterday

98 times!!

Put a fraction of the effort and commitment you have poured in to this thread, arguing the toss and defending your stance into actually doing something tangible to address this 2 month (2 months!!) of abuse directed at your young daughter with you and the school tinkering half heartedly around the edges

Just seen you started another thread on mumsnet last night entitled

Why does the interview with H&M cause more anger and upset than the interview with Prince Andrew?

Clearly your daughters awful day to day at school is preoccupying your thoughts OP 🤔

You said if my daughter was anything like me it’s “no wonder she irritates people”. That’s implying she deserves to be bullied. Don’t pretend that isn’t what you meant.

BTW she doesn’t “irritate people” - I imagine she’s targetted by this bully not because she’s irritating but because she’s physically small and therefore an easy target.

She does have my qualities and some of her own and I’ve no problem with that at all

What does your DD want you to do about the situation? Has she mentioned how she would like it handled?

Her focus is very much on it not being obvious she is the one who has ‘snitched’. She wants to not be alienated from her other friends. She was even reluctant for me to speak to her teachers but she had to lump it, and soon understood it was for the best

So when we get the place confirmed (which we will!) we get to request meetings with the HOY at the primary school when they come to meet the kids - I’ll be booking one to discuss various things like LS and the bullying.

@MyopicBunny witj the greatest of repscet why aren’t you reading my posts properly?

Ive said - quite a few times - that should there be physical force against my DD again I will if Ron the school I am contacting the designated police officer (BTW I had no idea police were dedicated to school so thank you to posters who informed me). On what world is that “reluctant to contact the police”?

You need to stop barking questions at me like I’m obliged to answer, I’m not quite sure who you think you are but if you’re like this IRL I’m amazed you aren’t constantly in fights yourself!

@regenerate who are you the thread police? They can post what they like and they were asked many questions. Should they just ignore them?

I beg your pardon? I’m not messing anything up you’ve made a massive (and wrong) assumption as to how I respond to that. Why? Why not just ask how I responded rather than making attacks and assumptions? All I’ve said is how SHE feels about this girl.