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Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

483 replies

KarenNotAKaren · 18/01/2024 18:48

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

  • Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
  • Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
  • Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
  • DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
  • Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
  • Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

OP posts:
Anotheranonymousname · 19/01/2024 01:04

Not quite the same situation but my DD was targeted by someone in her class in Y7. It was definitely bordering on bullying so when I found out about it, I emailed the form tutor and head of Y7 with a very factual account of the incidents I was aware of. I requested that DD be immediately moved away from the culprit in every subject and ideally, for DD to be at the very back of the classroom to minimise opportunities for the culprit to do things behind DD's back. I also asked for the whole class to receive a reminder of the school's behaviour policy and specifically, what it said about bystander bullying.

Within 24 hours of sending that email, all the students involved (witnesses, victims and the culprit plus her sidekicks) had been spoken to. Seating arrangements were changed as requested and the school handled it all in such a way that none of the students (DD included) were ever aware it was a parent that had alerted them to it.

For about a year, things were quiet before escalating. The culprit threatened to throw DD under a bus and later dragged her by her hair into a stairwell and beat her up. She was watched, encouraged and filmed by peers. DD's glasses were removed and used to beat her around the face before being dashed to the floor. DD was a lot smaller than the culprit and made no effort to fight back.

The teachers who intervened did so because they heard a disturbance. Everyone who dealt with DD in the immediate aftermath was kind and looked after her but mistakes were made when it came to dealing with the culprit. Whilst she was initially suspended, the school did not stick to its own behaviour policy which led to the opportunity for further bullying behaviour by the culprit and her allies. Throughout this, particular teachers were genuinely amazing in their support of DD but the reluctance of the headteacher to follow the behaviour policy undermined this. When the culprit returned to school, she was moved into a different form and out of any classes where she had previously been with DD. She was also supervised at break times for at least a couple of weeks.

Because of the mistakes made, and because I knew from another source that the culprit was still boasting about it online, I felt she hadn't understood that if the behaviour policy had been followed, she would have been permanently excluded and so still had the upper hand over DD. The school was not willing to revisit its sanction and I was advised to report the assault to the police. I had hoped to avoid this but ultimately it felt like the only way DD could demonstrate that messing with her has consequences. DD had to give a formal statement and the culprit was interviewed at the police station (caution plus 3 interview). She ended up with a community resolution order and since the interview, has steered clear of DD.

The process took a long time for a number of reasons and alongside it, I submitted a formal complaint to the school about aspects of its handling of the initial incident but also about the ways in which it had failed to safeguard DD. I made sure to mention by name the teachers who had supported DD throughout and explained I felt I had no choice but to complain at the highest level to ensure the safeguarding failures were addressed. I received a very prompt response to my complaint (sent to the executive headteacher and the chair of governors), met with the EH at 7am a day or two later and was finally reassured my concerns would be looked into. Again, this process took some time but it was thorough and resulted in the film footage of the assault being passed to the police. The EH said watching the footage was horrific and advised me never to do so if I were to come across it. Eleven of my twelve complaints were officially upheld with the remaining one being verbally supported. The school has made changes to a number of practices as a direct result and DD feels safe at school.

I've explained all that because I hope it will help you to be more assertive and demanding on your DD's behalf @KarenNotAKaren . Look at the behaviour policy and use that to write a letter of formal complaint to the headteacher and chair of governors, stating that your DD is being targeted at school by X including deliberately pushing her over on the ice, pinching and barging. Explain that you were one of the signatories of the group letter but that you understand that may not have given the school a clear picture of what your DD is being subjected to. Mention the steps you have taken already e.g. arranging a meeting with the teacher etc. but that you feel the school is not keeping your DD safe. Having read the behaviour policy, raise anything from that which should have been done but hasn't e.g. a move to a parallel class, break times with a different key stage etc. Finish by saying you want to be able to trust the school to deal with the situation so your DD cannot be hurt again at school but that you have been advised to report the ongoing physical assaults to the police.

KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:05

Alwaysanotherwine · 18/01/2024 23:24

bloody hell op!! are you an older parent?

because you keep saying “I won’t act like a chav etc for zero effect” etc

but everyone with experience has said confronting parents and children DOES have an effect

NOT one person on her has said otherwise!

Many have also said after months schools did nothing! in their actual experience

if you’re scared, that’s fine!

but do not dress it up as not effective - because it 100% is

youre just too scared to do it!

bit confronting is 100% effective whether you like it or not!

People actually have come on and said it’s got others into trouble with the police. And I promise you not every situation is the same as the next - it won’t help.

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:05

Alwaysanotherwine · 18/01/2024 23:26

op

kindly 1 this is why your child is the victim

you enable it

ODFOD.

Im not enabling it just because I don’t behave like a particularly stupid fishwife.

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:10

NeedToChangeName · 18/01/2024 23:30

@KarenNotAKaren you're getting a hard time here

I think confronting the parents is risky. They might be bigger / more threatening than you are

But I agree with PP, you don't need school's permission to report this to police

I would also look at contacting your MP

And, if you have legal expenses insurance as part of your household insurance, it might cover the cost of a solicitor's letter to local authority. This can be very effective

I didn’t say I was going to get their permission.

It’s been a long time since I’ve clapped eyes on her parents but the mum is pretty small and always having babies! The dad is just gormless AF and always brought some thuggish dog to the school run. Regardless going round making treats is not my style and more importantly it’s not my DD’s wishes at all.

Good call on the solicitor letter - didn’t think of that.

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:11

MyopicBunny · 18/01/2024 23:32

No, you need to contact the police yourself, now. Not think about talking about it with the school.

I’ll do what I like thanks I’m not sure why you think I need your instruction?

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:15

GTsundaydriver · 18/01/2024 23:36

You say this girl is clever, she never crosses the line of going too far so she clearly understands right and wrong.

Why does her possibly having an abusive upbringing make a difference in this situation? Your responses have come across as though you are trying to excuse her behaviour and I know you've said you aren't but repeatedly talking about how you think she's in such a situation isn't relevant at all. Her home life is none of your concern, the only thing you should be focusing on is protecting your daughter from physical and mental harm, whether that's by going to the police and pressing assault charges against the girl & advising other parents who's children are victims to do the same if they feel necessary, seeing if the school can put her in isolation, repeatedly questioning what they are doing about it, don't stop until you get answers.

Why does her possibly having an abusive upbringing make a difference in this situation?

it explains why approaching her parents is pointless. The school can’t even get them to a meeting and they ignore my messages. Abusive parents like to evade authorities so the reason she likely bullies (neglect/mimicking what happens at home) will never be dealt with.

DD also struggled to understand what she’d done to deserve this. I explained she did nothing and that bullies are miserable unhappy people and almost always have unhappy home lives. I told her her parents don’t give a shit which is why it’s not straightforward to deal with.

This is not ‘making excuses’ it’s called giving context. Just because I’m not getting all titillated at the thought of beating up a 10yo it doesn’t mean I’m not furious about it. But I need to keep a level head for my DD, and she needs that too.

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:17

MyopicBunny · 18/01/2024 23:38

You would if you worked in that field and the child reminded you of X Y Z child

I wouldn't. My own children are my priority and I don't get caught up in the whys of other people's horrible behaviour.

You would. Trust me.

Im not caught up in it, I’m speculating - and like I say it’s relevant because of the cause of bullying (and yes there is always a cause usually linked to home life, I’m afraid it’s rarely the case that kids are just plain evil) is not being dealt with.

Yoi seem to really be invested in me fucking this up. It’s very weird. You’ll be sad to know that I am not fucking it up. I’m just not making violent threats to anyone and don’t plan to either

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:18

whatsitcalledwhen · 18/01/2024 23:40

Speak to the police. Write to HT, governors, OFSTED each and every time there’s an incident

Have you tried this OP?

If not, are you willing to?

Contacting these parties (perhaps other than the police if you feel unable to) literally every time there is an incident feels like something productive to put pressure on the school.

The squeaky wheel and all that.

Are you willing to do that to all parties starting now?

You keep saying you don't want to report to the police or SS but haven't said whether you'd be willing to contact the other official parties literally every time anything happens. You haven't done that yet and I can't work out why you haven't confirmed you are willing to starting now?

I haven’t said that I don’t want to report to police or SS?

And yes I’ve contacted the test, it’s in my posts.

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:20

MyopicBunny · 18/01/2024 23:41

This thread is frustrating because the OP started it saying that she's at the end of her tether but is not listening to constructive advice and seems more concerned about how people view her and the area she lives in.

No I am not concerned about eh area I love in? I just said it’s not rough.

”Go round and make threats” or “whisper to the child you will end her if it continues” is not constructive advice, it’s shit advice that will end in me being in handcuffs and DD being bullied even more. I have made that judgement and you seem oddly upset that I’ve made that judgement

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:20

FallingStar21 · 18/01/2024 23:44

Very true and I dont know why people keep wasting their breath with suggestions when the OP hasn't even reported to the police. OP is there a reason you are reluctant to get them involved?

Edited

When did I say I was reluctant to get police involved? Can you point out the time India’s that please?

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:21

This reply has been deleted

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Yeah I’m not gonna assault a 10yo

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:25

cerisepanther73 · 18/01/2024 23:52

@KarenNotAKaren

Be honest are you scared 😱 of your daughter's school bully's parents then?

Why are you so reluctant scared to have a word with school bully to tell them not to carry on like this and you will report them to the police if this carries on then?

Is there someone in your family who could do this or family friend then ect?

No. Not at all. I have no issues myself with confrontation and am very good at sticking up for myself. But in the right time and place. I have already said I liked the advice of a PP early on on what to say to her that is stern and non threatening. If she did anything to DD in front of me she would be getting told - it she’s too clever for that.

Im certainly not recruiting a family member to have a word with this girl! Jesus.

To be clear: I’m fine With speaking to her myself and like I say I like the advice from the poster early on. I will not be, nor will I be recruiting family members to, make threats to her or her family. No one can convince me that is a good idea, and if a bunch of strangers think that make me a ‘drip’ then I’m sure ill get over it

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:28

Teethhelpplease · 19/01/2024 00:00

The school need to up the ante. Ask the school to provide you with a written record of the actions they are taking to keep your child safe from harm when she is under their care. Some suggestions I would have are - one to one supervision of the bully, forcing the bully to be picked up by a parent EVERY lunch time and returned to the school in the afternoon, a safe space for your child to go with a friend of her choice during any break, never being left alone with bully, bully being moved class away from daughter (providing there are two year 6 classes).

If you have serious concerns that the child is being mistreated or neglected at home then you should call social services.

Good advice about asking the school for a record, thank you!

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:29

SisterSabotage · 19/01/2024 00:22

Hahaha first of all you actually don't know everything about your friends, that is a ludicrous claim. And secondly, calling anyone chavvy is rude, bullish and paints you as someone with rather a superiority complex.

Meh. Displaying violent behaviour is chavvy - so sue me. This bully is violent and I’m not going to tell my DD that’s awful whist also letting her see her mum behave exactly the same

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:30

LightsCameraBloodyDoSomething · 19/01/2024 00:26

Which of my very sensible, law-abiding suggestions constitutes 'behaving like a demented scally'?

Oh dear that’s embarrassing - I quoted the wrong post Blush sorry @LightsCameraBloodyDoSomething

OP posts:
KarenNotAKaren · 19/01/2024 01:32

LightsCameraBloodyDoSomething · 19/01/2024 00:29

I'd venture the PP meant your own daughter's GP as and when she is injured by her bully..........

Ah I see - I mean no marks are ever left thankfully and I’m also not sure that’s how GPs work? I can’t just write them a letter and ask them to document bullying. I’m sure some people will be outraged and call me a wet lettuce but I won’t waste my time with bad advice when I could be using it much better instead.

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 19/01/2024 01:47

Had a similar situation when DS was at primary. The physical size difference also resonates as does their parents "absence" from addressing the issue.

Tried all the correct channels/processes.

Felt guilty because the bully was clearly a child who needed support and their parenting was - diplomatically - not optimal.

I'm not suggesting this as a "good" response but DS came home from school with multiple bruises on his torso.

It was the straw that broke the camels back.

This time we didn't complain to the school.

DH went round to the parents house, spoke to the father (and calmly) told him that the next time our son came home from school with injuries inflicted by his son, he should expect a visit from DH where he would personally inflict those same injuries on the father.

DS never got hit again.

Was it a result? For our child yes. But I still worry about what that father did to his child to ensue his son never attacked mine again.

It's an issue I don't think is taken seriously enough.

Your DD and the bully have both been let down in my view.

JanuaryJunipers · 19/01/2024 02:01

In my last year at Primary I was bullied in a new school. My mother came up to the school and told the girl in no uncertain terms to lay off. She did. I would remove your daughter immediately from the school. They sound utterly useless.

CrikeyMajikey · 19/01/2024 02:12

She needs to punch the bully herself a few times. This happened to my DS across tears 4 & 5. The bully’s mother was a friend of mine and a social worker, she denied her child was in any way responsible. Once DS had punched him, and punched him again the next day, the bully got the message and left DS alone.
I was delighted to hear the bully had to change secondary schools as he was being badly bullied.

MariaVT65 · 19/01/2024 03:02

Sorry I haven’t RTHT but more needs to be done here.

As a bare minimum, the school needs to be taking her breaks away for the rest of the school year. Surely it’s clear by now that it needs to be more of a safeguarding exercise than a punishment that isn’t working.

I agree with others saying remove your DD from school while this goes on. Not saying send her to another school either. Just remove her. NO WAY IN HELL would I continue to send my child to situation like this every day. NO FUCKING WAY. We wouldn’t have to put up with this as adults in the workplace.

Escalate this as high up as you can through the school, head, governers.

Keep a log of all the incidences to keep as evidence and then write to the head and the LA to confirm why your daughter is being removed.

Honestly, try your very best to get your daughter into a different secondary school than the bully.

I have to say that I went through physical bullying at my 2 junior schools and the only things that stopped it were slapping the other girl back in the face, and leaving the school. And being sent to private secondary school.

hogmanayhoolie · 19/01/2024 03:35

GTsundaydriver · 18/01/2024 18:58

Why the hell have you let it go this far?! Not only is your DDs psychical safety at risk but also her mental health? You either remove her from school until they permanently exclude the other children or you move her to a different school. You also contact the police and press assault charges. Me personally I'd do the same to the girl and much worse, she'd be dead if she did any of that to either of my children but it's not my child, it's yours.

She'd be "dead"?

WTF

TiredInPerpetuity · 19/01/2024 04:40

Can the teachers not move seating arrangements so they're not sat next to each other??? If they're doing their best, and know she's being pinched in class, why are they still sat next to each other?

newnamethanks · 19/01/2024 05:07

As pp above, a firm word alone with Ms Bully, in language she fully understood, ensured she never troubled my daughter again and took care to avoid her. Sometimes, the simplest solutions are the most effective.

Bakensmile · 19/01/2024 06:08

This reply has been deleted

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“and I assure you she would not want me threatening her friend or being violent towards anyone”

sorry have I misunderstood, you did not just refer to your child’s bully as her friend did you? 🤔

Temporaryname158 · 19/01/2024 07:10

@KarenNotAKaren , I don’t advise you follow the behaviour suggesting threatening the child however @LightsCameraBloodyDoSomething suggested lots of very valid actions and you were just rude to her.

summarising the monthly diary and sending it to Ofsted copying in the governors and Head was an excellent suggestion to drawn their attention to the seriousness and ongoing situation and also reporting it to the police if ever she is physically touched by this girl again. Include every police report in the diary. And phone the police every single time.

you have become dismissive of anyone offering suggestions and some of them have been good.

you need to involve the police and sadly, I agree I doubt this will ned at high school as they may be in different sets/classes but what about break and lunch times and before and after school. It needs to be ended before the end of primary and if there is another secondary school option I’d take it