Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

[KarenNotAKaren]

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

• Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
• Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
• Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
• DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
• Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
• Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

I'd problem threaten the kid not to touch my kid again (and I'd mean it). Alternatively, change schools if nothing is improving. Bullying can seriously affect children if it continues. It makes me angry that this is even allowed to happen

I’d be rude at this thread. It’s awful. It just repeatedly blames the OP and she has done nothing wrong!

I also think that some posters are very naive with their suggestions, and some aren’t even suggestions, there are quite a lot of posts just barking orders at the OP.

Why is this girls sitting next to your daughter. Doesn't sound like the school is doing their best at all

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread so may have been mentioned. I would contact the secondary school and explain the situation and ask for them to be put in seperate form groups.

You know what? You're not coming across well here. You've been rude, dismissive and snobbish. If your daughter behaves like you, it's becoming clear why she irritates the other kids.

You realise this actually isn't possible, right? The school would not allow this to happen?

@SisterSabotage - she doesn’t ’irritate the other kids.’ She is being bullied by one child.

Aside from the personal attack, do you really think it’s appropriate to blame a ten year old for being bullied because you’ve decided you don’t like her mothers posting style? (I actually think the OP has been more patient and polite than I would have been!)

Yes - as I said in myOP they are (were) friends and are in the same friendship group. DD says she still likes her when she’s not being a bully 🙄

The number of people on this thread who would threaten a child is truly astounding.

I apologised to @LightsCameraBloodyDoSomething as I tagged her incorrectly.

However I won’t take baroness of posters who think I’m responsible for the bullying because I haven’t thumped a child. And some suggestion have not been good / the school won’t give a monkeys if I threaten social services involvement for example. They’d probably say “Great more people to back us up”

Snobbish because I won’t be violent - Meh. I’ll take that.

So now blaming my daughter for being bullied - nice!

Like I say it’s clear some people on this thread were the bullies in their schools

I should do it anyway apparently otherwise I’m an an enabler and a <checks notes> drip!

I mean the police would probably show up because an adult turning up to join in playtime is quite frowned upon in school but as long as I’m doing wHatEVeR It tAKeS

The number of people on this thread who claim they would threaten a child is truly astounding

Exactly! Honestly how pathetic and embarrassing to say a 10yo deserves to be pushed against a wall and called the r word because her mum won’t behave like an embarrassing scally. @SisterSabotage has certainly shown her true colours.

I think a PP nailed it - it’s an “only on MN” thing. I don’t know anyone IRL these days who squared up to primary aged kids or assaulted a child

Yes I think what they mean is “I’d go in like a bulldog to reception screaming and shouting and threatening things that aren’t threats before writing to the head and governors, to find they do what they would have done had I behaved like a non-twat and dealt with the situation”.

Most bullying I believe is dealt with with a bollokcing from the teacher and behaviour plan but sadly there are children who are way more complex than that.

My mum confronted a bully I had at an after school club, and I have to say it was immensely safisfying for me and it never continued after that. Is it morally right? Probably not, but the girl was a little shit.

A friend of mine did. Saw her dd's bully walking down the street alone, jumped out her car, words were had, bullying stopped. To be fair my friend can be pretty scary. Bullies need to be stood up to, stops them in their tracks.

There's a huge difference between talking to the bully, and threatening them.

I agree that the school playground isn't the place to approach someone else's child when their parent isn't around - OP could end up being told she's no longer allowed on school premises.

If she only ever sees her when she's with her daughter that's also difficult - my daughter would be mortified.

Then there's the possibility that the chat/threat doesn't work - then what? It will give the bully more ammunition.

Then let's say you take it to their parents - maybe they are meek and you could beat the shit out of them. Or maybe they beat the shit out of you, and the bulling towards your child gets worse, because then it's clear to them that there is no repercussion.

And where does it stop? You are violent with the parent, but then maybe the parent has a sister who is more violent with you.

People get actually stabbed and killed over parking spaces. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that things like this could spiral out of all control.

The only thing I would say Op, is if/when it happens again, I don't think you should discuss taking it to the police with the school. I would be informing the school and I am taking it to the police. No discussion needed, just a courteous heads up.

i was on that thread

and you have very much misrepresented what you said

it most certainly was disturbing

Absolutely spot on post! These fantasies that a stern word or a quick threat sorts it all out does not work in 100% of cases as a PP claimed

And yes that’s what I have meant when it comes to speaking to them about I forming the police (Not “asking permission” like some of the more rabid posters suggest)

this his what you said on the other thread
snd i suspect others will agree that disturbing

the child in question is 5 and hit her 🧑
I would be very cross without raising my voice. In a calm, controlled voice, get down to her level, look her in the eye and say: Mummy loves you, Mummy bought you that mug, made you that hot chocolate, helped you make brownies, read you that story.All day long, I was doing lovely things with you because I love you and you repay me by hitting me? How dare you be so rude and cruel to someone who shows you love?

op sorry if i missed

but how long has this bullying been going on for?

To be honest I would have said something to the girl when she said hello to me. Something like 'hello X. Do you know, I'm getting really sick of hearing about the nasty things you're doing to my daughter. I think they'd better stop now.' Nothing too confrontational but just something to let her know she wasn't getting away with her behaviour Scot free.

I have spoken to children about their behaviour to mine in the past when stuff has happened in front of me. As I felt I had to show my kids I would stand up for them if someone was being horrid. A little group of kids started laughing at my then 7 year old as we walked home one day for something cute but a bit silly that they saw him do. When they carried on taunting him all the way up the street, with him getting more and more upset, I turned round and said I thought that was enough and could they please stop now. The ringleader was incensed I'd dared to challenge him and was very much 'I can do what I like, who the hell do you think you are.' I said if he carried on I'd have to speak to the headteacher the next day. I think that was the point this 9 year old called me a 'fucking mug.' Fortunately his mother then caught up with us and started asking him what was going on. I think he was quite surprised when I very sweetly apologised to his mother for having to speak to him about his behaviour but he'd been unkind to my son and then was swearing at me when I asked him to leave my son alone. She was furious with him but to be honest she was probably the cause of some of his problems. Telling him to 'get in the fucking house' was probably not the best thing to do when he was in trouble for swearing at me!

When my son was a few years older a group of boys started knocking on our door and running away, leaving abusive voice mails on his phone and threatening him at school. We told him to ignore the threats as they were just kids with bravado but when it escalated into things being thrown at our windows my husband on his way from work saw them and stopped his car to speak to them. My husband is a big guy. Total gentle giant but probably terrifying to a twelve year old who knows he's been horrid to this guy's kid. The kids scarpered. My husband knew where one of them lived so knocked on his door. My husband was very charming and fortunately the boy's mother was very reasonable and we never had problems with those boys again.

I've also once asked to speak to a boy's mum about his behaviour towards my other son when I saw her at a school event. Started off very nicely with her agreeing he 'could be a bit silly' but when I told her about a specific incident that had happened that day she was adamant her son had never done that. I left it saying 'well hopefully they can put this behind them' and said to my son that clearly she was not going to believe anything she was told about her son and to make sure he never did anything in retaliation as the mum had it in her head that it was 'boys being boys' and that they were both as bad as each other so I said to not say anything to this boy but to report anything he did at school to the teachers, and to take his phone out and film him if he tried anything outside of school - that way if I had to speak to school again I could be very firm on the idea that it was not my child doing anything, it was this boy being a bully. The boy was expelled shortly afterwards.

It is hard when parents are not on board. And when a child has a poor home life that makes it more difficult. But if this girl isn't getting boundaries at home they need to come from somewhere or she'll be the one to suffer in the long run.

The OP's shitty username and her other language on this thread tells us exactly what she thinks about women who do stand up for themselves and are perceived to be complainers. It looks like she is passing that mentality on to her DD who doesn't want to fight back for fear of being seen as a "chav" or a "scally"

If my DD asked me why a bully was picking on her I would tell the truth, and that's not because they are jealous or because you are pretty or whatever rubbish was stated below, but because they see you as weak and you don't fight back. I would be working on her confidence constantly until she stood up for herself.

If my DD came to me and said the bully said they know you reported the harassment I would say yes I bloody did, and the DD should confidently say the same to the bully. She is only ten and that is too young an age to be embarrassed about your parent acting in your best interests.

Also if the OP really thinks that the bully is witnessing DV at home, and this harassment of the OP's daughter really only started in November then a call to social services is needed, not a group letter to the governors.