Would you go to this wedding?

[auberginefortea]

... well, a pseudo-wedding.

A very good friend of mine (bridesmaid at my wedding) planned her wedding during Covid, and had to cancel it twice because of the lockdowns and various travel restrictions. These weddings were planned to be in the UK. In the end, they had a small legal ceremony. She lives in Canada with her Canadian Husband, and we've been invited to a ceremony / party in Canada. Also since then, we've both had children.

DH is grumbling that he doesn't want to go because of the cost (technically we can afford it, but it's going to cost a few thousand pounds at least), whether to bring DD (2 years old), and that, well, it's not a wedding. Other UK friends are deciding to go without their partners if they have school-age children, as the wedding will be during term time. It doesn't affect us yet.

She's one of my oldest friends, and I feel sorry she wasn't able to have a wedding a few years ago. And she was a bridesmaid at our wedding.

What would you do?

Can just you go and leave husband and kid at home?

Do you have any mutual friends in the UK who are also going that you could travel with and let your dh stay at home with your child. That's what I would probably do.

Going on my own is an option - of course I'd love DH to come, but it means either asking grandparents to look after our child for a good few days, or going as a whole family (which will be even more expensive).

I'd go.

Either alone or as a family. Do you need to pay for a seat for your Dc?

Either way your friend lost out on the wedding she wanted due to covid. This IS her wedding essentially - she did the legal bit the way she did due to a global pandemic.

Our daughter will be 2 when we fly, which means I think, we'll have to pay something for tickets. Going on my own is an option, but less nice than going with DH.

If DH doesn't want to go for whatever reason, then I'd try and go on my own. Is DD happy being left with grandparents if they need to help DH out with childcare?

We've left DD with grandparents for an evening before, but never what will be (at a minimum) a 4 day trip.

Go on your own

I'd go by myself if DH didn't want to come. To your friend this is her wedding, so I'd want to support her the same as she did for me.

Go by yourself. Its best DH doesn't go if he's going to he a grumpy about it.

I don't think I would go. As your husband says, it's not her wedding - she's already had that - so it's essentially just a big party. It will cost you a lot to go, and if your husband isn't keen, I could think of much better ways to spend so much money. I would never want to go to something like that without my husband and wouldn't have left my daughter for any length of time at that age.

I'd go and leave kids and husband at home.

You'll really regret it if you don't I think and plus it's a nice excuse to have some you time with your friends x

Of course you should go but don't force your husband if he doesn't want to.
Why can't DH look after the kids - is there no day care?

Go by yourself, I have done this twice for weddings in America.

Can you not turn it into a holiday? That’s what I would do. Make this your big annual trip and plan loads of other fun things to do for a week or two. With the wedding being part of it?

The biggest part of the costs will be the flights.

I would go on your own if you want to go, and if you don't, just apologize to her that it's too expensive and buy them a nice present. It's a shame, but originally it was planned for the UK. It's not her fault that it didn't go ahead as planned, but it's not your fault either that it's now going to cost multiples of the original plan because it's in a different continent.

Go on your own!

If I could afford it, I'd just go on my own. It's expensive for 3 of you (it's probably expensive for 1 too), but long haul travel with a toddler is not easy. If you are only going for a few days to a week, dd will spend the whole time adjusting to the time difference and you will all be exhausted. I'm from the US and when we flew back with our then toddler, she was up for the day every day at 2:30am for the first 4 days. We were there for 2 weeks, so that was fine, the first few days were just a write off really. If you can afford it, go and enjoy being with your friend and leave dd and dh at home. If you can't afford it, she will understand. I invited American friends to my UK wedding. Four were actually able to attend and I was incredibly grateful, but I never expected any of them to be able to manage it to be honest. It's a long way to go for a wedding and expensive (and none of them had dc at the time).

I think it’s ridiculous. If you cast your mind back to the last world war, lots of people got married quickly in less than ideal circumstances without wedding dresses, wedding parties and any frills. They didn’t throw make up weddings/parties/receptions when the war was over in order to do it ‘properly’ because they ‘missed out’. That’s life. People these days don’t have this mentality, maybe because now the social media aspect is more important than the actual event, I don’t know, but must be something as it’s endemic.

I would absolutely go.

I had to rearrange my wedding thanks to the lockdowns. We lost some loved ones during this time who otherwise would have been at our wedding which was really upsetting.

We ended up choosing to just postpone until after lockdowns were lifted and had the wedding we'd hoped for, but I know many people didn't get this.

I would absolutely make an effort for a close friend. It'll mean so much to her.

Either go and make it your family holiday, or go by yourself.

Your DH sounds really judgy about the wedding, it's fair enough that they want to celebrate as intended.

And isn't it wonderful that nowadays we don't need the excuse of legality for a party! Much less formal and more open minded.

The fact you think everyone's lives revolve around social media is ridiculous.

Do you have any nice photos from your wedding day with you loved ones? Or from any special events? I do. They aren't on social media. They are on my computer and in my photo albums.

I also have my Grandparent's wedding photos in an album. They died a few years ago but I remember Grandma sitting down with me to show me her wedding album. She told me the names of every guest there and little stories about them. She told me how precious those photos were to her because most of the people at that wedding were dead and those photos and brought her comfort.

Sure you don't need a wedding to take photos, but it's not often I can get everyone I love in the same room. It's not often I can get my family who live in America with my family who live in the UK together and take a photo. A wedding (or wedding party) is very meaningful to the couple, and the photos will be treasured and not just on social media.

@CatamaranViper Yes, but as I said, sometimes circumstance dictates that such a get together and associated photos just are not possible - such as war or pandemics. The difference is people just used to accept this and get on with life, nowadays not so much!

Go on your own x