Would you go to this wedding?

[auberginefortea]

... well, a pseudo-wedding.

A very good friend of mine (bridesmaid at my wedding) planned her wedding during Covid, and had to cancel it twice because of the lockdowns and various travel restrictions. These weddings were planned to be in the UK. In the end, they had a small legal ceremony. She lives in Canada with her Canadian Husband, and we've been invited to a ceremony / party in Canada. Also since then, we've both had children.

DH is grumbling that he doesn't want to go because of the cost (technically we can afford it, but it's going to cost a few thousand pounds at least), whether to bring DD (2 years old), and that, well, it's not a wedding. Other UK friends are deciding to go without their partners if they have school-age children, as the wedding will be during term time. It doesn't affect us yet.

She's one of my oldest friends, and I feel sorry she wasn't able to have a wedding a few years ago. And she was a bridesmaid at our wedding.

What would you do?

This wouldn’t even be a question in our house. We’d go.

What a miserable outlook. Should we bring back rationing too? Or just be grateful that things have moved on since post-WW2 and embrace the opportunities.

I’d definitely go, either by myself or turn it into part of a family holiday.

If you go alone would you be okay with setting the precedent that it's okay for your husband to spend that much money on something to do with his friends.

Well personally… I’d def go if you can afford it.

Canada is AMAZING. I went once and desperate to go again (which is unusual for me) such a range of things to do…

she’s a good friend so it’s a great opp to go…

i would take the 2 year old and make it a big 2 week holiday - you can party with your pal (DH can come or stay in hotel and you get a night off) and you get to have an amazing annual holiday…

winner all round…

Definitely this!! You’ve said you can afford it and doesn’t sound like husband has outright refused. Make it your family holiday, it will be nice for you and your good friend to meet each others children x

Some people (pavlova!) are so miserable! We got married in tiny ceremony during covid after 2 postponements, because I was pregnant and wanted some legal items sorted. Only my husband’s parents were able to attend. My family were on the other side of the world watching through an iPhone camera, and the rest of his family in random locations over the UK.
Why can’t I throw a party now to celebrate our marriage, and finally have my family and his together for a party? (And friends?) Is that so ridiculous?
OP, regardless of whether or not they’re already legally married, attend the party with or without DH/DC. You get to celebrate the couple, and they get to celebrate with you. It is effectively their wedding day and will be overjoyed to have you attend.

No conversation is complete unless someone manages to bring up the war 😄😄

Go on your own, OP. A wedding is not much fun with a toddler and one of you will end up entertaining dd or having to take her away from the party. If your dh is not keen to go, even better. He won’t mind staying at home with dd for a few days.

No way would I leave my 2 year old at home. I would accept that it’s going to cost quite a bit but treat it as your main holiday. Your friend will be truly grateful that you went to so much effort and you can all have an amazing time. It’s not like it’s somewhere shitty.

Apart from the effort and your DH not being fussed, there’s nothing to really stop you. You said yourself you could afford it. In a years time you’ll be pleased you went, you’ll have forgotten the expense by then. I think you tend to regret the stuff you don’t do, not the stuff you did. I can’t imagine you saying wow, that party in Canada was crap! It’ll be easier doing it now with 1 two year old than it will if you intend to have more kids.

Well yes and no… I’m single so clearly not that great at marriage (!) but ideally I’d like to be married to a man who realises that not everything in life needs to be totally tit for tat. If OP has a best friend who was bridesmaid at their wedding and there’s a one off celebration to be with her for her day then I’d hope for a husband who supports me in my friendship which was established long before he came on the scene - whether he comes or not. If he has a similar relationship with a mate (eg a best man) who had also emigrated, I agree OP would need to be willing to reciprocate (but she may want to get to know THEIR best man and go too). It’s about generosity of spirit. Otherwise i’d hope she is supportive of other aspects of his life that equates to this, to be honest I think it is a bit controlling of him not to want her to go - they have the money. She might be encouraged to go on her own with DC this time on the understanding that he goes on a similar holiday or buys something for a hobby or takes up an evening class which means he’s out once a week etc, but this doesn’t have to be a written rule, it’s just the spirit of - ‘I want you to lead your best life and to continue to develop as an individual person too - I respect you and trust you and we don’t need to be with each other 24/7 ALL the time - it’s surely what makes us as a couple more interesting. Go my dear wife, and have a great time - take DC! We have the money and life is short. I don’t want to go to gorgeous Canada or develop my friendship with OUR bridesmaid (?) so I’ll stay and look after the pot plants.’ I remember a good friend of mine got married in Spain when I’d had our DD really wanted to go but my DP wouldn’t even consider encouraging it/discuss whether it was a possibility - it really affected me mentally. I hope OP, this is not a pattern of things your DH is not supportive of.

Would go alone or not go.

I wouldn’t go with DH and DC. I didn’t enjoy travel nor weddings with a 2 year old, at all!

also would orioritise a holiday or other spending of your/DH’s choice over spending thousands on this.

I wouldn't go.

‘OUR bridesmaid’?!

😁

I would go on your own. Your other friends are going on own. Between your DH and Grandparents they will be able to cope for four days.

I find it odd that they are getting married again as they are technically married.

Go alone if you want to go

It's not a precedent, we'd consider each opportunity case by case depending on the circumstances at the time, we don't just say "well you spent 2 grand so why shouldn't I".

Imagine if this had been a dh wanting to spend thousands on the wedding party of his friend and the DW recently had a family.

The cost to fly to Spain and holiday there is somewhat less than that to Canada.

Ignoring that it's not-a-wedding, it's an opportunity to see a good friend who you have not seen for years! Go by yourself, and extend the sane offer to your DH when he has an overseas stag/boys trip etc invitation.

I would go alone if possible, if you have family support to help you look after your little one x

Another vote for go on your own, and leave DH and DD at home.

I certainly wouldn't go if it was going to put a strain on family finances if you can comfortably afford it I'd go by myself for three or four days

I'd go on my own, but I'd go for a lot longer than 4 days.
Are you a SAHP or does your little one usually go to Nursery ?

I realise if grandparents actually needed to have a little one like that for more than a week it could be challenging (without having a clue how old / young / fit they are). Or an alternative is that your dh could take some annual leave and spend that time with your dc.

I wouldn’t go, too much money and too much hassle
Maybe they only invited people out of courtesy, I wouldn’t be offended if people couldn’t come if I were them as it is quite a lot to expect people to travel all that way for a party
The friendship will probably grow apart anyway as they are so far away

No if she gets to spend thousands now why can't he spend thousands. Why does it have to be case by case

Any big expenditure is case by case in our family.