"I'm an SEN mum"

[drspouse]

Of course my child goes to a school you haven't heard of.

Of course I have a full pack of complaint letters in my back pocket.

Of course I'll leap on you to exchange stories if you're another SEN parent.

Of course I know what all the acronyms stand for, DLA, EHCP, AR, LEA, we've got it all.

Of course the LEA doesn't bother providing my child with the education they are legally entitled to.

Of course I don't want to discuss your child's grammar school application. No, not their prom dress or school trip woes either.

(Feel free to continue in the TikTok vein, if you have contradictory experiences just put them down, no need for discussion, this is Chat not AIBU!)

@Lostatsea10 🫂💐🫂💐

I'm a SEN mum of an adult

You can't stay and sleep in with him at the hospital he's an adult.
You can't fill a form into speak to the GP for your son he's an adult.
I won't listen to you he is an adult
He doesn't need help he's an adult
I can't come out at night he's scared of the dark but he's an adult
He can make choices that might put him in danger as he's an adult ...

YES I know he's an adult but he has SEN and in reality a 9 year old

I am a SEN mum and I now know the most interesting things about an array of subjects.

I am a SEN mum and my child’s awesomely individual dress sense makes me smile.

I am a SEN mum and, despite being sleep deprived due to constant visitings from DC in the night, if I’m awake in the night and can’t sleep sometimes, if I am not touched out, I secretly hope that my large lump of a child comes in for a hug.

I am a SEN mum and I miss the sense of community you get from being at a local mainstream but I love how the pressure to be a certain way or do certain things has all gone now DC is at special school. No SATS for us!

I am a SEN mum and when I talk to other SEN mums and dads and find out how much harder certain aspects of their lives are than mine it gives me strength that it’s possible to do this.

I am a SEN mum and I am awed by what historical SEN mums and those living in more challenging circumstances around the world must have endured or be enduring.

I am a SEN mum and I struggle, daily, to enjoy the child I have and feel bad about that.

I am a SEN mum and I am so fed up of people, who only have to deal with him for short amounts of time and don’t have to do other things at the same time saying that he is adorable/amazing/cute etc. He’s a whole different child when he’s at home and he wanted something two seconds ago but I was in the loo, or in the other room and didn’t hear, or have helped with the same thing over and over until I just can’t do it anymore but he won’t move on.

I'm an SEN mum, this morning my 6 year old looked outside the window to see beautiful snow and ...

Told it to "get off his fucking property" in his American accent, despite being a scouser.

🤣 Rings so true!

@Bunnyhair” I’m a SEN mum and if one more person hectors me about the evils of ultra processed food and screen time I cannot be held responsible for my actions”
yes, absolutely this!

I was a support worker when I just turned 16 and at 17 supported men with autism and intellectual disability. One night my client as they were known back then needed a hospital stay so I took him in and offered to stay but nurses said he'd be fine. They looked after him amazingly, I went sat with him as often as I could on my days off and my mum who would pop in and visit me at work (this fella had no family) had a soft spot for this man. (His name is Georgie) Anyway when my mam went up to visit him he was tucking into a happy meal the nurse had popped out to get him and he was wearing a stethoscope and given a clipboard and he'd been helping them. It sounds infantailising but it wasn't, they made him happy and comfortable based on his ability. He wasn't alone unless he slept etc and this hospital has a reputation for being utterly shite, so it was very heartwarming to know my pal georgie was so looked after and actually didn't want to come home.

Whilst not every autistic person will get georgie's treatment, I hold hope in my heart when our DCs need nurses, they get those ones who understood and cared for georgie's needs so kindly.

Hope this brings comfort to you should you ever need to leave your DC again 💐

I'm a SEN mum, and I think if I was a single SEN dad, whose wife had taken the family home and then neglected to see her children because she was more interested in spending her time with a string of boyfriends, that I'd be considered a hero instead of a feckless bitch. I'd probably get some sort of 'Pride of Britain' award for being such a wonderful selfless man, and have neighbours bringing casseroles to the door, instead of shunning me and my children, or reporting me because my son is 'very thin and doesn't talk'.

Great thread.

@AInightingale oof. Your post makes me realise how much energy I spend on not letting myself think too much about the misogyny that is baked into the SEN mum experience, in case my soul just blows a fuse.

I’m a SEN mum, and every system that pretends to be there to help us is actually designed to be as difficult, inaccessible and frustrating as possible so we just give up and go away. (Can you tell I’ve been trying to deal with the LA this morning…?)

I'm dreading DS's EHCP Annual Review next month. I had to fight so hard to get the LA to get it right. They just didn't care, gaslighting me all the way. I didn't give up, but it has taken a huge toll on my and Dh's health, physically & mentally.

I'm a SEN mum and I am constantly on edge. I kind and loving boy becomes volatile and lashes out when disregulated. He is large for his age and will likely grow into a well built man. If he continues to lash out he will end up in serious trouble as an adult. This terrifies me.. that and the fact I will die one day and leave him alone. The fear can be overwhelming.

I'm a SEN mum, of course I've been asked if my child's complex needs are down to anything I ate in pregnancy, due to me going back to work instead of being a SAHM, or due to ultra processed food or screen time.

I'm Schrödinger's SEN mum, of course there is simultaneously everything wrong with my child (when compared to peers) and nothing wrong with my child (when the focus shifts to what provision might be needed).

@MagicTape I'm Schrödinger's SEN mum, of course there is simultaneously everything wrong with my child (when compared to peers) and nothing wrong with my child (when the focus shifts to what provision might be needed).

God, yes - so much this.

@x2boys your ds sounds like my dd. 14, non-verbal, prone to lashing out or anxiety as finds hard to communicate needs.

@MagicTape I'm Schrödinger's SEN mum, of course there is simultaneously everything wrong with my child (when compared to peers) and nothing wrong with my child (when the focus shifts to what provision might be needed).

Yes! This. It’s exactly this. Thank you for finding the words for it.

I think this has articulated everything most of us feel.

Thank you so much.
I actually just cried reading that, you obviously get it but the amount of astounding ignorance my dp and I have regarding our son is fucking wild. We're told we're ott and, "he's fine he is", but in the next breath "wtf is he doing?" When he has an autism moment.
Thank you so much for encompassing how both dp and I feel. Truly x

Me too, the fear is always there, and professionals dismiss it all the time!

I'm a SEN mum, and everything said resonates with me, especially the isolation and loneliness that comes with having a child with additional needs. The things said by mostly well meaning people, they really have no clue how demoralising those well meaning comments truly are.

The system is more broken that it helps, it's designed by people with theoretical knowledge, it needs to be designed, or at the very least have real input from people living with SEN, not only those working with SEN.

I'm not articulating myself well, I'm tired, so very tired.

I’m an SEN mum of a once so happy, outgoing, hilariously funny, very popular little boy who has turned into a social outcast, self harming, anxiety and depression ridden young man who stays in bed all day says he feels dead inside and he’d be better off dead. Years of bullying, lack of support, deprivation of an education, a peer group and just being understood has brought him to this.

I’m an SEN mum and my young adult son can’t just go and get a job.

I’m an SEN mum who has spent 2 years furiously fighting at a SEND Tribunal for my son to finally have the opportunity of a suitable education with the therapeutic services he needs only to lose with nothing and he’s still left with no education.

I’m an SEN mum and I wish I could go back in time and shout at my son’s teachers ‘stop gaslighting me, he’s not just a naughty boy who doesn’t want to learn or conform to the rules, if you’d referred him for assessment like I have asked you to numerous times, you’d see he has Autism and a fucking learning disability, and you can’t ban him from school trips that he was really upset to miss out on’!

I’m a SEN mum and I can never give up on my son getting the support he needs to have a life that he is capable of living, no matter that I’m on my knees and my mental and physical health is shot due to stress.

I'm an SEN who for six years after my husbands death had mail from the SEN department at the council sent to both of us... I rang up every year. Every year they said they'd change it. I got our local councillor to put the proverbial boot up their backside in the end!!

This thread has now started reminding me of those "that's not my... Books". I wonder if we could publish one and use it to fundraiser for family fund or something?

Maybe "that's not my life... There isn't enough paperwork"

" That's not my life... There are no accessibility issues"

Etc

It's amazing how many of us there are, all with different difficulties, different family set ups, different support networks available to us (most with little/none) yet I've found it to be so difficult to find groups or people nearby, not for anything other than some mutual solidarity and support.

That should have said I'm an SEN widow...