DD lying. What to do?

[Carston]

She’s 13 and we are constantly finding out about little things she has lied about. Sneaking technology into her room at night, having secret social media accounts, faking being ill to avoid PE, taking my clothes without asking and claiming they were in her room and she had no idea. Those are just some examples. Some of the lies are completely pointless but she will never ever admit that she has lied or why. She also has an issue with asking for things. She just takes them. Whatever it is. We are not unreasonable and would generally say yes to most of the requests but she just won’t ask and then will get very upset and say she didn’t do it. We talk to her and agree to all be better at honesty etc and then it just happens again. I’m so upset and it seems like she’s just a compulsive liar.

The latest lie just feels like the final straw to me. What do I do? Get locks on rooms in the house? Seems like an awful way to live. Get her counselling? Take away her phone? I’ve tried talking to her in a non judgmental, non-angry way but the key is she won’t admit to most of the lies.

It does sound like quite normal teen behaviour and she will grow out of it. She's not making up lies as such, she's just being sneaky. I hated PE. The getting changed bit is awful, in the winter it's cold and in the summer you get sweaty and then have have to get changed back into your school uniform. I faked a bad knee for years 😆

Mine was the same at that age whether it was eating all the snacks, accidentally or purposely breaking or damaging something in the house or taking something of mine out of my room or her brothers room without asking and not returning it and lying about it. Also lied about where she had been and or who she had been with and still does this.

I think mine is a bit neuro diverse could yours possibly be the same. But she is 18 now and at Uni and thinks she is fine and the problem lies with everyone else.

Fortunately, we have a key to our bedroom door so in the end it was easier to keep it locked than be struggling to find my hairbrush, deodorant, expensive moisturiser, tweezers, perfume etc when I am in a hurry.

stop tryig to catch her out on every single thing she lies about. - is it really necessary? only pick her up on the ones you feel are really important.
re iterate she won’t be in trouble as long as she tells the truth. Sounds like for whatever reason she doesn’t trust you.

also every teenage girl lies about P.E. What teen girl ( who isn’t sporty) wants to spend their time running around getting sweaty when your already self conscious as it is. Sneaking phones into room at night I remember doing this all the time as a teen.

Shea not a compulsive liar, she’s just a teenage girl who by the sounds of it doesn’t trust you to tell you the truth.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, just lock up your stuff if you don’t want her just taking it (this will probably encourage her to ask) and turn the Wi-Fi off at night. I think developmentally it’s normal for teens to lie.

I’ve not the whole thread sorry so someone might have suggested this but do you model the behaviour you want?

we had a huge problems with phones in rooms overnight and so now we all keep our phones downstairs and the family rule rather than the teenager rule is no phones during sleeping time.

As a bonus, watching them trying to set a good old fashioned alarm clock was hilarious. They had no idea how to work it.

Mine are far from perfect but we have seen an improvement since we have moved away from do as I say to do as I do.

I think you have a real problem and you need professional help getting a handle on it. Start with the school counselor. They should have advice and resource recommendations for you. Lying can become a life long habit and affect her work and professional life. You are not crazy.

I’d suggest reading (or listening, I have it on audible) the book, Hold onto your kids, by Gabor Mate. Brilliant book, insightful, and gives you mechanisms to use. He talks a lot about attachment and the perils of peer attachment. My group of friends have all read it and found it soooo helpful with dealing with our first teen. X

What tech does she want overnight? Taking her phone for a week is too long? Why? Taking your clothes , I wouldn’t have wanted to wear my DMs clothes? Sounds like typical teenage behaviour .

"What rules are you talking about? No tech overnight in her room and she must ask us before downloading apps or making social media accounts. Is this too strict for 13?"

IMO, not only is it not "too strict" for 13, it is smart to have boundaries in place for SM and technology. Is she on Discord?
In brain mapping, SM shows similar results to addictive drugs. And the teachers and school staff are reporting that many kids' social skills are suffering due to being on their phones (minicomputers) and technology so much. Certainly it won't affect every person this way. It's like a catch 22 because the kids use technology and SM for so much of their socialising, so they need it. If you have an iphone, have a look at the screen time and downtime features for kids' phones.

If I could get away with doing that knowing my mum would speak to me in a 'non judgemental, non angry' way as you said you do, why would I start behaving. She has no consequences why would she feel the need to change.

My DD is the same age and I faced similar issues. Fairly pointless lies … when it appeared it would just have been easier to be honest. I have organised for her to see a teen counsellor and it’s been really interesting to uncover why it’s happening. It appears to be linked to fear and anxiety going back to unresolved childhood trauma of being put on the spot by my exH. When she was younger she had an inbuilt fear of ‘getting into trouble’ so just gives what she thinks is the correct answer when she feels pressurised, cornered or fearful. Her therapist has taught me how to reframe situations and approach it differently… it’s very, very much improved.

It takes a lot of patience, repetition and reinforcement but eventually they get there. Keep your boundaries consistent.

I disagree with PPs saying it's normal behaviour. Neither I nor my sisters did this, nor did/does my DD. Or my DS. Nor have any friends mentioned issues like this with their kids.

That said, it may be quite common among teenagers, I dont know. But 'normal', not so much.

Of course kids might lie or hide stuff if it's a big deal or they are going to get into trouble, but in your case it seems as though she's lying about really minor things. I have no idea why this would be and can't offer helpful advice but yes, I would be a bit concerned....

I think some of these might be blown out of proportion.
Lying to get out of PE is a teenage girl's right of passage, indeed?

Including the devices sneaking devices into your room.

I would stamp down on the social media accounts due to the risks accompanying them.

I never took my mother's clothes as she wasn't trendy in the 90s, but I used her perfume, make-up, etc.

@IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord the OP’s daughter sounds more like mine. Its not so much trivial in helping herself to a few squirts of perfume putting it back and lying about it.

Its more the using the whole bottle of expensive perfume without asking and it completely disappearing, taking without asking and hiding or loosing and lying about it say my hairbrush, pair of tweezers, expensive moisturiser etc etc.
Then weeks later I find things dirty, discarded, empty and or broken hidden in her bedroom. She also used to do the same to her older brother and certain things belonging to DH.