So....brewing argument with MIL has finally come to a head. Don't know if I am being unreasonable and where to go from here. Advice?!

[Feelingcrappy2]

Where do I begin?!

Our relationship started almost 10 years ago. It took a year for my DP to introduce me to his mum due to cultural indifferences. They don't support 'boyfriends/girlfriends' and DP was always very honest with me in that they probably wouldn't want to know me unless we were to get engaged.

I still remember our first meeting being very awkward, very uncomfortable and leaving thinking 'ok, she does NOT like me!'.

I met her a handful of times between then and the following 5 years until I fell pregnant (out of wedlock - yes that was dramatic but a whole other story!). She was always pleasant after that first meet up but I was never welcomed into the family as such, I was just kept at arms length, met up once/twice a year and that was that.

When I had my first child, things changed. After the initial shock and drama, they suddenly (felt like an overnight U-turn) started wanting to really know.

Any way, things improved and after many years of feeling the outcast, they were very nice and welcoming.

I started to form a good relationship with his parents and we saw each other about once a week. I did go back to work after DC1 was born so we went over to their house every sat/sun.

Now here is where I am open to opinions and fully accept that I may need to lower my expectations. Things started to change for me about a year ago when I was expecting DC2, when I realised that meeting up was always going to be on their terms. MIL asks to meet up about once a week but it's always either to go to her house (which means I would need to get 2 little ones on the train and bus) or to go to a specific town (again, involving train) to walk around the shops. Now, of course I don't mind doing these things, say, once per month?! But certainly not every single week. I am quite antisocial, money is an issue at the moment and I'm a tired/stressed SAHM and I don't fancy dragging a baby and a toddler around shops for hours on end stressing about where to heat their lunch/bottles etc. Does that make me sound difficult?

She always says how much she adores them and loves them but I realised that she was never going to actually offer to do anything to help me. Such as, take the older one for a couple of hours, have them on her own at her house etc etc. I just kind of got a bit fed up of the usual Option 1. Her house or Option 2. Shopping/something annoying to do with 2 kids like swimming?!. So.... yes I may have started to get a bit slack on calling her back and responding but I just didn't want to have to keep saying no to her suggestions. It was getting awkward and I was starting to feel pressured. I always would invite her to come here whenever I said no to the invite but she never comes as she says that it is too far.

She basically said recently that she wouldn't be bothering me anymore as I always make up excuses. I did say to her that I find it hard to accommodate her invites with two young kids but she said that wherever she suggests going is more convenient to her, so she was basically saying that it was her way or no way.

It has now been nearly 2 weeks since we have spoken, we have not said HNY to each other and I just KNOW that she is going to be VERY off with me when I next see her. It feels like whenever I go over there she has a problem with me/has to make comments etc etc, when I am not stopping her from seeing her grandkids..she could easily come here for the day/take them on her own to give me a break. There are options that would make life easier for me. I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just I hate being far from home/out for the whole day with the kids. I'm just not very adventurous, it's nothing personal!

I don't want to argue with her, I hate it being awkward. I just feel like she feels i make zero effort and basically couldn't care less about them, which is so not the case and it's just been so dramatised.

Finally (and this is again, very debatable) I've realised that she keeps her family extremely close and calls her kids multiple times per day, don't get me wrong this is so lovely in so many ways. I am not trying to sound like an awful, cold hearted person but I was just not raised like that. I'm very close to my own mum but we definitely go a couple of days without speaking!
MIL would love to call me/facetime me most days and see her every week, which to some people might sound completely reasonable, but I struggle with that. My son HATES facetime and runs away screaming everytime he has to get on the camera! It's just stressful hence why I don't answer FT calls.

I suppose I am just being antisocial but that is who I am. I don't want to keep keep keep arguing over it. I don't think I can change myself and start calling up every day and FT'ing every day and meeting once a week.. it's just not me.

What do I do as it is causing problem after problem and DP is quite hurt by it all.

Why isn't DP facilitating the kids seeing her? Why does it have to be you? Do neither of you drive?

Let him take the kids to her and have a day at home to yourself.

☝This

Next time she says it's too far for her to come to your house, point out it's the same distance for you to travel to her, only with the addition of two small children and all their accoutrements.

She's a selfish cow.

If it is too far for her to visit you, then it is too far for you to visit her - more so with two small children in tow.

As others have said, your DP can take his hurt and the children visiting. Then you can have a break.

@DesuOwl I’ve missed out part of the problem over the past couple of weeks (over the break). DP drives, I do not. He works full time (self employed) and has other projects outside of work. Over xmas, he failed to take them on his own over to his mums which did cause an argument between us because like you said, it makes sense to give me a break and for us not both to go! So he is to blame there. However outside of breaks like xmas, he just never has the time to take them. Occasionally on a sunday but rare. He has taken on so much work that it just seems impossible to get the time unfortunately.

Your dh needs to sort this out.
I wouldn't even be contemplating what to do. Cos I'd do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
You've done more than enough and if your dh won't stand up for you to her, then you have much bigger problems.
I'd be saying to dh, your mother might want to see the kids next week so you will need to arrange it, I'm no longer doing it.
And then just stop.

Over to your partner I'm afraid, he can sort it.

They don't support 'boyfriends/girlfriends' and DP was always very honest with me in that they probably wouldn't want to know me unless we were to get engaged.
So he knows what his family are like and yet you are STILL unmarried but with children?

MIL asks to meet up about once a week but it's always either to go to her house (which means I would need to get 2 little ones on the train and bus) or to go to a specific town (again, involving train) to walk around the shops.
What is DP doing to facilitate HIS mother seeing HIS children?

OP - you have a massive DP problem. A really, really big one.

UPDATE - He has taken on so much work that it just seems impossible to get the time unfortunately.
Is he ignoring family life now too? You are letting him avoid his responsibilities, starting with the unmarried with kids. Please tell me you are working!!!

100% this. Its not your relationship to facilitate

You have a DP problem. This is his problem to sort. If he won’t facilitate his family seeing his children, why should you pick up his slack when you don’t drive?

I wouldn't drag my kids around the shops so she can say she's seen them.

Does she drive?

Does she realise it's as far from her house to yours as it takes you with the kids!

I'd send her a text to say happy new year. We're all looking forward to coming to visit you when Dh next has time off. The ch are not enjoying shopping or bus rides atm so we won't be able to do that atm but you are welcome to come to ours anytime. Or we could meet at (convenient for you) park or soft play. Hope you had a lovely Christmas x

I'd run it past your Dh and say these trips are awful because of the ch and your anxiety so your mum is going to have to put some effort in or accept we'll see her next time you're free.

If she ft, start cooking noisily, keetle on etc, and point the camera at the kids. Keep shouting bits every now and then. So you're doing it and she can't complain but she'll stop.

I don see the problem.

You work FT and you have two small children. Your time and energy is limited. You don’t drive. These are facts.

Your MIL wants to see the children but doesn’t want to travel to you.

So….she doesn’t see them unless and until you can take them to her. Which sounds like a monthly occurrence, more or less.

What’s the big deal? If your DH wants his mother to see his children more, they can sort it out. If your DH is sad his children don’t see his mother, those are his emotions to deal with.

What is any of this to you?

I thought she said she was a SAHM?

DP is quite hurt by it all.

DP has other projects outside of work.

like hobbies?

Your DH is so hurt about it all that he hasn’t bothered to take the kids to see his mum all Christmas?

I’d say you have a DH problem.

You ABU to think your MiL should be giving you a break-that’s not her job, but just tell her the shopping is rubbish with small kids. She can come to you or meet half way in a cafe.

Does MIL drive?

My MIL doesn't like coming to my house either, I think it's because she's not the Queen here, I am.

It's up to my DH to take them to her house, I'm not doing it anymore as the reception is always frosty and why should I when she's just off with me anyway?

Why not turn the tables a bit and say DC1 is making cupcakes and wants grandma to come over for a tea party, something like that so the ball is firmly in her court and she feels like she's doing it for the grandchild.

If she still doesn't come just ignore her, it's ridiculous to expect you to do all the leg work. She not your mum.

Heads up, she's probably not gonna change so don't waste your energy worrying about it. She either visits you or she doesn't, but schlepping your kids around the shops and taking two trains and a bus is just being a martyr if the favour is never returned.

Here is my input:

You are not responsible for the happiness of others.

Also:

If someone is going to be unhappy, make sure it's not you.

MIL.cns choose between getting something and having nothing. Maybe she doesn't want to see the children, maybe what she really wants is your full unquestioning compliance with her wishes. In which case, see my points above.

This is such a DH problem. I am a bit confused as to why you have taken it on?

Just reply to your MIL saying you are going to facilitate your side of the family seeing the DCs and DH is going to do his. Presumably you will also go along to some of those meet ups and not to others depending on the availability.

You work full time. Have a bit of backbone.

“Happy new year MIL. Kids would love to see you soon, you’re welcome to visit any time, we’d love to have you over here. A train and bus journey is just not doable for me on my own with two small children and all of their stuff, much easier for you to come to us - and we will come over to you when DP makes the time for it! Lots of love”

Maybe send it as a text with a picture of the children.

Making it clear that DP isn’t making the time to take his children to his parents which ultimately is his responsibility.

Not that it makes a difference but the OP is not working full time.

I'm a tired/stressed SAHM

I don't think YABU but I don't think I'd cut her off either.

I'd ask to see her and go alone to visit. I'd say "MIL, I realise you enjoy our family coming to see you but I am finding it difficult and stressful to do x,y and z with you. I don't want an atmosphere or bad blood to come between us all, so I am here to ask that you come to visit us/meet halfway etc etc. I hope you will consider this because otherwise I will have to cut the visits down to x,y and z because that is what I feel is manageable."

You sound really lovely op and I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Your mil sounds very insensitive, inflexible, and not very kind.

I think this is a classic case of by not speaking up earlier and being more assertive, precisely because you were trying to be accommodating, things have gone a bit wayward in your relationship.

Sometimes intransigent people only get the message when someone is as equally uncompromising and forthright as them!

I think the key to this long term is learning to drive if you can and getting a second hand runaround, and then you will have more control over what you do and when you see her. And I think more immediately, you need to take the initiative, ring her up and arrange a time to have a forthright but respectful discussion with her.

Rather than wait to be chided by her at NY take control op! You shouldn’t have to, but the reality is that your dh is a wet weekend, and sounds a bit scared of his own mother, so you are going to have to do it.

Go over there without the children and say look it’s the NY, and we both have this issue, and I want to lay some things on the line. (You don’t need permission from anyone to do this op. )

Acknowledge that she is older and maybe finds travelling difficult. But equally say you are busy with two dc and that you hate shopping and are hard up and from now on you want to compromise and see one another twice a month, once near her, and once near you.

Give her the message that this is what you are prepared to do plus maybe a pre-arranged FaceTime once a week and it’s up to her whether she goes for it or not but these are your terms and this is why. Take your dh with you for support if you think he won’t ruin it but it’s probably better achieved woman to woman.

Don’t feel guilty about setting some boundaries bc you do this for your own mental wellbeing, the good of your dc, your relationship with your dh, and the overall good of your entire family.

She made it pretty clear at the beginning of the relationship that she is not really interested in you, only the dc, so bluntly I don't think you should be trying so hard to win her approval. Get comfortable with the fact that she won’t like you or your new terms initially but she may grudgingly come to respect them.

Good luck! 💐

I really like @ehb102's take on it. I'd just leave it there TBH. Job done.

Your DP should be sorting this out, it would drive me crazy to have that much contact and its not reasonable of her to expect you to drag 2 kids over there.

^^ this is the perfect answer (put more succinctly than I did)

What does MiL say when you invite her over? She seems to make all the suggestions.

I also think you'd benefit from more balance in your life and your partner to have way more family time and less working hours.