So....brewing argument with MIL has finally come to a head. Don't know if I am being unreasonable and where to go from here. Advice?!

[Feelingcrappy2]

Where do I begin?!

Our relationship started almost 10 years ago. It took a year for my DP to introduce me to his mum due to cultural indifferences. They don't support 'boyfriends/girlfriends' and DP was always very honest with me in that they probably wouldn't want to know me unless we were to get engaged.

I still remember our first meeting being very awkward, very uncomfortable and leaving thinking 'ok, she does NOT like me!'.

I met her a handful of times between then and the following 5 years until I fell pregnant (out of wedlock - yes that was dramatic but a whole other story!). She was always pleasant after that first meet up but I was never welcomed into the family as such, I was just kept at arms length, met up once/twice a year and that was that.

When I had my first child, things changed. After the initial shock and drama, they suddenly (felt like an overnight U-turn) started wanting to really know.

Any way, things improved and after many years of feeling the outcast, they were very nice and welcoming.

I started to form a good relationship with his parents and we saw each other about once a week. I did go back to work after DC1 was born so we went over to their house every sat/sun.

Now here is where I am open to opinions and fully accept that I may need to lower my expectations. Things started to change for me about a year ago when I was expecting DC2, when I realised that meeting up was always going to be on their terms. MIL asks to meet up about once a week but it's always either to go to her house (which means I would need to get 2 little ones on the train and bus) or to go to a specific town (again, involving train) to walk around the shops. Now, of course I don't mind doing these things, say, once per month?! But certainly not every single week. I am quite antisocial, money is an issue at the moment and I'm a tired/stressed SAHM and I don't fancy dragging a baby and a toddler around shops for hours on end stressing about where to heat their lunch/bottles etc. Does that make me sound difficult?

She always says how much she adores them and loves them but I realised that she was never going to actually offer to do anything to help me. Such as, take the older one for a couple of hours, have them on her own at her house etc etc. I just kind of got a bit fed up of the usual Option 1. Her house or Option 2. Shopping/something annoying to do with 2 kids like swimming?!. So.... yes I may have started to get a bit slack on calling her back and responding but I just didn't want to have to keep saying no to her suggestions. It was getting awkward and I was starting to feel pressured. I always would invite her to come here whenever I said no to the invite but she never comes as she says that it is too far.

She basically said recently that she wouldn't be bothering me anymore as I always make up excuses. I did say to her that I find it hard to accommodate her invites with two young kids but she said that wherever she suggests going is more convenient to her, so she was basically saying that it was her way or no way.

It has now been nearly 2 weeks since we have spoken, we have not said HNY to each other and I just KNOW that she is going to be VERY off with me when I next see her. It feels like whenever I go over there she has a problem with me/has to make comments etc etc, when I am not stopping her from seeing her grandkids..she could easily come here for the day/take them on her own to give me a break. There are options that would make life easier for me. I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just I hate being far from home/out for the whole day with the kids. I'm just not very adventurous, it's nothing personal!

I don't want to argue with her, I hate it being awkward. I just feel like she feels i make zero effort and basically couldn't care less about them, which is so not the case and it's just been so dramatised.

Finally (and this is again, very debatable) I've realised that she keeps her family extremely close and calls her kids multiple times per day, don't get me wrong this is so lovely in so many ways. I am not trying to sound like an awful, cold hearted person but I was just not raised like that. I'm very close to my own mum but we definitely go a couple of days without speaking!
MIL would love to call me/facetime me most days and see her every week, which to some people might sound completely reasonable, but I struggle with that. My son HATES facetime and runs away screaming everytime he has to get on the camera! It's just stressful hence why I don't answer FT calls.

I suppose I am just being antisocial but that is who I am. I don't want to keep keep keep arguing over it. I don't think I can change myself and start calling up every day and FT'ing every day and meeting once a week.. it's just not me.

What do I do as it is causing problem after problem and DP is quite hurt by it all.

Sorry OP this is not a response to your question at all but have you become a stay at home mum whilst unmarried? Do you have any financial protection?

Should have read the thread, everyone all over it.

Feel this has to become the go to mumsnet intervention for unmarried women.

Daddy deals

Invite her to do a few things with the children at your house or with you all very close to your house, a park or something. If she’s been nice over the years I’d not want to lose that.

BTW it’s a partner problem as he should be seeing his parents with the children and IF being married is a deal breaker in his family he should have married you.

"What do I do as it is causing problem after problem and DP is quite hurt by it all."

You have a DP problem.

He can take his "hurt" and shove it, if he is going to play no part in the family. Effectively, he's outsourced the 'work' of maintaining family ties to you. Presumably it's an outlook on life learned from his mother, who outsources the travelling to you. To hell with them both!

If he is self-employed, then he can choose when to work and when to live. Right now he is choosing for you to struggle visiting his parents with two little ones, rather than choosing to visit them as a family. Or, he could choose to tell his mother that she needs to travel to you.

Your DP needs to re-examine his priorities, and his mother needs to stop trying to guilt you into dancing attendance on her. But the buck stops with DP.

OP said on another thread that the boyfriend is not very giving and she’s chosen to be financially dependent on him. Yikes.
Would be nice if she bothered to reply to the thread.
@Feelingcrappy2

I had issues with my pils in the first few years - no amount of time was ever enough for them. Eventually I decided that it was important to me that my dc had a relationship with their gps and that one visit a week was within my tolerance and capacity to facilitate.

I didn’t say anything, there was no stand off. I didn’t argue (because I wouldn’t have won). I just didn’t go any more often. Dh stepped up and visited more with the dc.

Because he had to manage by himself, he didn’t go as often as when he was leaning on me. It also didn’t feel like our family time to him anymore, so that changed his perception of the time too. But he’s also far more relaxed around his dps than I am and the dc benefit from that too. And because I am with them on a schedule I can sustain, my relationship with them is easier too.

Have a think about what feels right to you op - I know you’re getting pushed now so “never” probably feels about right, but if its in your dc’s interests to have a relationship with gm, what level of effort can you put to that? A monthly visit would be reasonable given your time constraints and effort involved.

It doesn’t require a big discussion - just stay calm and stick to whatever you decide. “I can’t do next week, I’ll have to check the diary for the week after …” vague, and pleasant.

I relate hard to the FaceTime issue - we had that too, whenever pils were away (part of the reason they insist on seeing us everyday, preferably multiple times when they’re in the country) and it has just quietly evolved into a Sunday afternoon event. I coached the dc a little (we must tell gm about that when we talk to her on Sunday) so that they would have something to say, and I normalised them running off when they’d said their piece and encouraged dh to sit and chat with his dps. Because it’s just once a week they can put the effort in, and it’s better than when it was a constant stream of demands.

Bloody hell. You are a saint to have done this for so long.

Not read the full thread but this solution is so obvious I don’t feel I need to. Just do this.

Once a month is adequate. Once a week on a train with 2 children? Too much hassle. You can FaceTime her once a week. You do not have to do absolutely everything she wants, but just be fair.

You have my sympathies and you're not AIBU.
I don't get on with my OH mum - she has always seemed to look down on me and was quite hostile, a shock when I've always got on with every other BF's mum. BUT when we had kids I realised that I could stop panicking over seeing her, worrying about it etc. If MIL wants to see the kids then she actually had to start being nicer.
Ditto yours: she wants to see them then she either has to come on over or get your OH to take them.
As for OH. . Rather like yours mine always 'seems' to be working. Or he's at the pub. What he's certainly NOT doing is any family stuff. Don't worry about his hurt feelings over his mother. Have to admit that I used to organise things with my OH's mum for him to go along to with the kids. I think he took the hint because he knows I'll dump him in it if necessary & arranges things himself now. Concentrate on yourself a bit more & don't worry about being a bit militant. I think you hold all the cards (looking after MIA partner, managing household, raising kids) so don't be afraid of the power of silence. Or the power of 'no' :)

YABU I’m going against the grain here but it sounds like you accommodated your MIL and when it started not to work for you instead of being upfront, you avoided her until she confronted you. Apologies if I’ve misunderstood.

Kindly, this is not adult behaviour. Yes she should’ve been more open to your invitations but now she has taken your hint to mean you don’t want her to spend time with you. If you had clearly articulated the actual problem you may have found a solution. While it should be very obvious to her travelling with two small children is difficult for example people really do need to be told. She might not realise money is an issue.

Apart from that, I do agree with previous posters your DP needs to step up. You actually don’t sound antisocial at all, you just sound like you need a bit of help, a bit of space and like you are tired of people pleasing. Regarding the FaceTime thing, what worked for me was not answering most calls but calling back at a more reasonable frequency.

Don't let it fester any longer and give her more ammunition. Send a quick message as others have suggested. Your DP needs to reduce his 'projects' and spend more time with his family.

YANBU to not want to facilitate weekly trips to see your MIL, but YABU to allow your DP to duck out of his responsibilities. Are his projects outside of work paid / beneficial to the family, or hobbies? He needs to sort himself out and go see his own mother. I quite like my MIL but no chance I’d be dragging both my kids onto public transport to go and see her every week.

MN had a book about pregnancy and children.

We need one for relationships and legal issues. MN, make it so!

Is this a indian/ pakistani/ Bangladeshi set up? For my experience, the mils are to be pandered to. That's the expectation. And the female leads on maintaining family connections. Good luck. I gave up doing that

Thank you for all of the replies. Lots of advice and seriously considering sending a nice text tonight and just inviting her to come over tomorrow and see if she comes.

@MCOut No, you are right in many ways here. It probably has come across to her that I am almost trying to cut her off but I can no longer be bothered with having to say no and it being such a problem to her every single time. You are also right in that I haven't just been upfront enough about it. But... there is an issue! (there's always a bloody issue!!) there is a language barrier. She does understand english quite well, it's just she often takes things the wrong way, sometimes in ways that leave me completely baffled! It's just hard to get your full point across, if that makes sense?

I agree with 90% of you here who say it is most likely my DP's issue. He DOES need to explain things to her so that she understands I'm not trying to be difficult or rude. But he doesn't, does he? He never gets involved in anything outside of work so I may have to have this convo with him tonight!

My situation (although unrelated to this issue) is that I am an unmarried SAHM. Yes, very unsettling at times. However looking to change this soon and have started to look into jobs. I was waiting for DC1 to be eligible for 30 hours nursery, otherwise it would have been tough going back.

Thank you for your reassurance and advice - it has massively helped.

OP, hearing that you aren't protected financially via marriage or some other legal arrangement is very concerning. Also, FaceTiming or calling your MIL several times a day sounds absolute hell to me and I like my MIL and consider myself an extrovert! Your MIL is being very, very selfish. And your DP has fobbed off his responsibility on you. Not fair at all.

Well done for being willing to text and invite her over. Even if she says no you will have tried.

My situation (although unrelated to this issue) is that I am an unmarried SAHM. Yes, very unsettling at times. However looking to change this soon and have started to look into jobs. I was waiting for DC1 to be eligible for 30 hours nursery, otherwise it would have been tough going back.

You going back to work solves a problem but not the problem. Who owns your home, or is on the tenancy?

Oh just ignore her, you've been far to accommodating over the years.

Keep your distance and point her in the general direction of your DH for all enquiries.

What is your DP’s reasoning behind not protecting your right to support via marriage?

You refer to her as your MiL but as you're not married, she is nothing more than the grandmother of your children. She is nothing to you. You do not have to put yourself out for her at all.
Tell your DP that you will not be making long, difficult journeys to visit HIS mother. If she wants to see her grandchild(ren), she can make the journey.
If he wants you to see his mother, then he makes the time and prioritises his family over work.

Also, while you have two kids with this fine upstanding specimen, until he starts to prioritise you and the kids, I'd not be making any plans to marry him. Sorry.

Major dp problem. He’d rather you put in the enormous effort required to travel on 2 different types of transport with 2 little ones in order to do something boring and annoying than make time to take you or put out his mother and tell her to come to you? Just no, stop trying to do everything, you need to prioritise doing what is best for your dc, child friendly activities that don’t cost loads and stuff you want to do.

If you aren’t married, really, why do you stay? Your OH sounds selfish and absent. Once you have a job, I would be planning to leave.