So....brewing argument with MIL has finally come to a head. Don't know if I am being unreasonable and where to go from here. Advice?!

[Feelingcrappy2]

Where do I begin?!

Our relationship started almost 10 years ago. It took a year for my DP to introduce me to his mum due to cultural indifferences. They don't support 'boyfriends/girlfriends' and DP was always very honest with me in that they probably wouldn't want to know me unless we were to get engaged.

I still remember our first meeting being very awkward, very uncomfortable and leaving thinking 'ok, she does NOT like me!'.

I met her a handful of times between then and the following 5 years until I fell pregnant (out of wedlock - yes that was dramatic but a whole other story!). She was always pleasant after that first meet up but I was never welcomed into the family as such, I was just kept at arms length, met up once/twice a year and that was that.

When I had my first child, things changed. After the initial shock and drama, they suddenly (felt like an overnight U-turn) started wanting to really know.

Any way, things improved and after many years of feeling the outcast, they were very nice and welcoming.

I started to form a good relationship with his parents and we saw each other about once a week. I did go back to work after DC1 was born so we went over to their house every sat/sun.

Now here is where I am open to opinions and fully accept that I may need to lower my expectations. Things started to change for me about a year ago when I was expecting DC2, when I realised that meeting up was always going to be on their terms. MIL asks to meet up about once a week but it's always either to go to her house (which means I would need to get 2 little ones on the train and bus) or to go to a specific town (again, involving train) to walk around the shops. Now, of course I don't mind doing these things, say, once per month?! But certainly not every single week. I am quite antisocial, money is an issue at the moment and I'm a tired/stressed SAHM and I don't fancy dragging a baby and a toddler around shops for hours on end stressing about where to heat their lunch/bottles etc. Does that make me sound difficult?

She always says how much she adores them and loves them but I realised that she was never going to actually offer to do anything to help me. Such as, take the older one for a couple of hours, have them on her own at her house etc etc. I just kind of got a bit fed up of the usual Option 1. Her house or Option 2. Shopping/something annoying to do with 2 kids like swimming?!. So.... yes I may have started to get a bit slack on calling her back and responding but I just didn't want to have to keep saying no to her suggestions. It was getting awkward and I was starting to feel pressured. I always would invite her to come here whenever I said no to the invite but she never comes as she says that it is too far.

She basically said recently that she wouldn't be bothering me anymore as I always make up excuses. I did say to her that I find it hard to accommodate her invites with two young kids but she said that wherever she suggests going is more convenient to her, so she was basically saying that it was her way or no way.

It has now been nearly 2 weeks since we have spoken, we have not said HNY to each other and I just KNOW that she is going to be VERY off with me when I next see her. It feels like whenever I go over there she has a problem with me/has to make comments etc etc, when I am not stopping her from seeing her grandkids..she could easily come here for the day/take them on her own to give me a break. There are options that would make life easier for me. I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just I hate being far from home/out for the whole day with the kids. I'm just not very adventurous, it's nothing personal!

I don't want to argue with her, I hate it being awkward. I just feel like she feels i make zero effort and basically couldn't care less about them, which is so not the case and it's just been so dramatised.

Finally (and this is again, very debatable) I've realised that she keeps her family extremely close and calls her kids multiple times per day, don't get me wrong this is so lovely in so many ways. I am not trying to sound like an awful, cold hearted person but I was just not raised like that. I'm very close to my own mum but we definitely go a couple of days without speaking!
MIL would love to call me/facetime me most days and see her every week, which to some people might sound completely reasonable, but I struggle with that. My son HATES facetime and runs away screaming everytime he has to get on the camera! It's just stressful hence why I don't answer FT calls.

I suppose I am just being antisocial but that is who I am. I don't want to keep keep keep arguing over it. I don't think I can change myself and start calling up every day and FT'ing every day and meeting once a week.. it's just not me.

What do I do as it is causing problem after problem and DP is quite hurt by it all.

I understand your situation as I married in to another culture - DH is Indian and his family are Hindus. I recognise a lot of what you say about how awkward the first meeting was, how nice they were afterwards but at the same time I was kept at arms length, how they warmed up to me once I had a child. There are also cultural differences in terms of constant phone calls etc, extremely close knit family.
My situation is different in that my in laws live abroad (not in India, 2 hours away) so I'm not expected to see them frequently. However, we do see them several times a year, several weeks at a time. We spend a lot more time with them than my own family for example.
In your situation I agree with all other PPs. Your DH needs to sort this!! It's simply not good enough that you're excusing him by saying he's too busy. My DH is practically a workaholic. He works all the hours god sends but he still manages the relationship with his mother. I'm always lovely to her but he's the one who calls her, he arranges our meet ups and he often takes the children to see her without me (so I can have a rest). She would be so happy if I called her every day like a good Indian daughter in law but it's just not me! I love her but I don't like talking on the phone. I only call my own parents once every two weeks. My MIL has accepted me for who I am and your MIL needs to do the same. Your DH needs to back you up!
I feel your DH and MIL have both put you in an extremely unfair position, making you responsible for most of the contact and meetings. You can't drive, your DH can! He needs to be a good son and visit his mother! No one is too busy with work to do this. Sounds like he's a coward and burying his head in the sand while you get blamed for everything.

"other projects outside of work"
I agree with @Shinyandnew1 . What projects does your DP have?

Perhaps this could be a new project for him, to drive his children to his mother, so they all can spend time together.

She did not go out of her way to welcome you when you first appeared on the scene, so that has not accumulated friendly capital for you.

If she wants to see the children she must make the journey herself and not expect you to do it. It is her wish, so she must make it happen - and that might involve a bit of effort on her part ... heaven forbid!

Spell it out to her - I cannot keep making this journey with 2 little ones, and going round the shops with them is not something I enjoy. Maybe you could come to visit us .......

There are so many issues here. Firstly why is money so tight if your DP is working so often he didn't even visit his mother over Christmas? It sounds like he is opting out of family life. Why did you have two kids with this man and become a SAHM without being married when his culture is so pro marriage? Are you even engaged, not that it makes any difference?

Your MIL does sound a bit much but you are painting a very bleak picture of everyday life. Not driving, not wanting to take the kids on a bus and train. If your MIL is offering to take the kids swimming with you then why not take her up on it? Swimming is an essential life skill. If she wants to go shopping with you then let her push the pram, let the kids drink room temperature bottles, but at least you are getting out of the house. Try not to pass on your extremely introverted nature to your kids.

As I said, your MIL sounds a bit much but there are people who would kill for someone who cares so much about their grandchildren. I would try to keep her on side, particularly as you are in a very precarious position with your DP and financial situation.

What "other projects outside work" does DP have? Hobbies? Golf?

Back in the day when I first got a phone I never gave ils the number. Was the best thing for our relationship.. Any plans dh made. Great. If they turned up I kept to my schedule
Even if that meant they didn't see the dc. None to enjoy also. Not props to amuse them. Leave her for dh to deal with. Can't imagine how many times he would leave the car the home and drag 2 dc over there.. Guessing once at most.

it’s a weird thing for her to take offence to.

i would let your partner deal with it, but equally I can’t stand men that are afraid to stand up to their family or act like their partners are 2nd class citizens in comparison. Eg instead of him telling you his family won’t take to you because you’re not engaged, he should have been telling his family to move past that and make you, someone important to him, feel welcome

Really it's down to your husband to facilitate all this. You've set a precedent where you'll always go there, and now you've stopped she thinks you're terrible. I'd get your husband to talk with mil about meeting up on his next day off. It shouldn't be you dragging them on public transport, to a different town see them!

I agree with everyone else. This is DP problem to resolve, just don’t get involved.

He can arrange to see MIL whenever he wants. You aren’t controlling him at all. You have simply put a boundary around your own actions.

This is your partners mother, not yours. Why isn’t he taking his children to see her?

You’re making way too much of this. Your boyfriends mother is not your problem. He is free to manage and facilitate the woman’s relationship with your kids.
Are you dependent on the boyfriend while you’re out of work? That’s a really, really bad idea as you’re unmarried. Are you on the deeds of the house? Is he paying in to a pension for you?

MIL asks to meet up about once a week but it's always either to go to her house (which means I would need to get 2 little ones on the train and bus) or to go to a specific town (again, involving train) to walk around the shops.

Didn't really need to read past here tbh.

Much as I find ILs difficult they came to us!

Your husband has checked out of family life and is trying to put the whole burden on you. Don't let him.

Your MIL is a selfish cow and your DP is the problem here. Tell him you aren't going to be dragging a toddler and a baby on public transport to her house, but she is welcome to come over to yours. If it's too far for her, it's certainly too far for you with 2 small children and a buggy, unless there's some kind of back story like she's disabled.

"Are you free first w/end Feb? Would love to meet. At yours? Ok - then you can come to us next time!"

Personally I'd just enjoy the peace for now. If your husband is upset, he can find the time to facilitate visits or ask your MIL to come to yours.

Agree with this- it's ridiculous to expect you to do all the travelling with 2 very small kids. I wouldnt fret about this at all- invite her over and if she says no then that's the end of it. I wouldnt feel any guilt at all- you arent stopping her from visiting, she's choosing not to!

Absolutely. I’d have no interest seeing her at the best of times, but if she can’t be bothered to visit you which is so much easier than vice versa, that’s a a big fat no, and it’s for your partner to tell her. She sounds suffocating and you’ve done more than most would, especially as she was so offhand in the first place. She needs you and her ds more than you need her.

This is your dh's problem. If he works all the time or always has "projects" outside of work (what are "projects" by the way) then you have little support yourself. (I've been there) It's unreasonable to expect you, in addition to doing all the childcare by yourself, to drag your kids to your MIL's on her dictates, every week. It's also not your job to compensate for the fact that he prioritizes his work and earnings over other things including his mum.

I would just be honest with her, and say, look, it's very tiring for me to drag both kids on trains and have them out all day without any facilities and to do it every weekend. I do it all without Bob's help because he works so much, and I have no help at home. I'm going to have to cut back because I'm exhausted. You are more than welcome to come here but I'm not going to be able to come over to your place so often any more.

Maybe she'll give you the "back in my day, women just got on with it without complaining" speech and you just have to ignore that. Your happiness and wellbeing are important too.

Have you asked her to come to your house?

Could you get your DP to tell her how hard you find it and to tell her she would be welcome at yours especially if she helps out a bit on a weekend?

she said that wherever she suggests going is more convenient to her

She does actually realise doesn't she, that it is the SAME distance from you to her as for her to you??😂
But much harder for you with 2 LOs

Agree.

Yes, the MiL says no

Unless she has some quite serious mobility issues then it is perfectly reasonable for her to do her share of the travelling. Suggest you alternate so one week you travel the next week she does if you want to continue with her seeing them. Could your husband pick you up from hers on his way home from work so you only do one way? Does she like cooking? Maybe she could make dinner for your husband getting there so you can all eat together, you get driven home and no meal to cook when you get there.

If once a month works for you why not give it a week and then ring her and suggest a meet up the following week?

Her taking the kids to give you a break is a tricky one, other threads are about MIL being weird about wanting the kids by herself so MILs can't win with this one. Not sure what the answer is to that one.

You don't sound like you want to fall out so maybe a bit of thinking about what would work will make it all work for you both. Good luck.

To use a 'mumsnetism' - You have a DH issue not a MIL issue.