So....brewing argument with MIL has finally come to a head. Don't know if I am being unreasonable and where to go from here. Advice?!

[Feelingcrappy2]

Where do I begin?!

Our relationship started almost 10 years ago. It took a year for my DP to introduce me to his mum due to cultural indifferences. They don't support 'boyfriends/girlfriends' and DP was always very honest with me in that they probably wouldn't want to know me unless we were to get engaged.

I still remember our first meeting being very awkward, very uncomfortable and leaving thinking 'ok, she does NOT like me!'.

I met her a handful of times between then and the following 5 years until I fell pregnant (out of wedlock - yes that was dramatic but a whole other story!). She was always pleasant after that first meet up but I was never welcomed into the family as such, I was just kept at arms length, met up once/twice a year and that was that.

When I had my first child, things changed. After the initial shock and drama, they suddenly (felt like an overnight U-turn) started wanting to really know.

Any way, things improved and after many years of feeling the outcast, they were very nice and welcoming.

I started to form a good relationship with his parents and we saw each other about once a week. I did go back to work after DC1 was born so we went over to their house every sat/sun.

Now here is where I am open to opinions and fully accept that I may need to lower my expectations. Things started to change for me about a year ago when I was expecting DC2, when I realised that meeting up was always going to be on their terms. MIL asks to meet up about once a week but it's always either to go to her house (which means I would need to get 2 little ones on the train and bus) or to go to a specific town (again, involving train) to walk around the shops. Now, of course I don't mind doing these things, say, once per month?! But certainly not every single week. I am quite antisocial, money is an issue at the moment and I'm a tired/stressed SAHM and I don't fancy dragging a baby and a toddler around shops for hours on end stressing about where to heat their lunch/bottles etc. Does that make me sound difficult?

She always says how much she adores them and loves them but I realised that she was never going to actually offer to do anything to help me. Such as, take the older one for a couple of hours, have them on her own at her house etc etc. I just kind of got a bit fed up of the usual Option 1. Her house or Option 2. Shopping/something annoying to do with 2 kids like swimming?!. So.... yes I may have started to get a bit slack on calling her back and responding but I just didn't want to have to keep saying no to her suggestions. It was getting awkward and I was starting to feel pressured. I always would invite her to come here whenever I said no to the invite but she never comes as she says that it is too far.

She basically said recently that she wouldn't be bothering me anymore as I always make up excuses. I did say to her that I find it hard to accommodate her invites with two young kids but she said that wherever she suggests going is more convenient to her, so she was basically saying that it was her way or no way.

It has now been nearly 2 weeks since we have spoken, we have not said HNY to each other and I just KNOW that she is going to be VERY off with me when I next see her. It feels like whenever I go over there she has a problem with me/has to make comments etc etc, when I am not stopping her from seeing her grandkids..she could easily come here for the day/take them on her own to give me a break. There are options that would make life easier for me. I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just I hate being far from home/out for the whole day with the kids. I'm just not very adventurous, it's nothing personal!

I don't want to argue with her, I hate it being awkward. I just feel like she feels i make zero effort and basically couldn't care less about them, which is so not the case and it's just been so dramatised.

Finally (and this is again, very debatable) I've realised that she keeps her family extremely close and calls her kids multiple times per day, don't get me wrong this is so lovely in so many ways. I am not trying to sound like an awful, cold hearted person but I was just not raised like that. I'm very close to my own mum but we definitely go a couple of days without speaking!
MIL would love to call me/facetime me most days and see her every week, which to some people might sound completely reasonable, but I struggle with that. My son HATES facetime and runs away screaming everytime he has to get on the camera! It's just stressful hence why I don't answer FT calls.

I suppose I am just being antisocial but that is who I am. I don't want to keep keep keep arguing over it. I don't think I can change myself and start calling up every day and FT'ing every day and meeting once a week.. it's just not me.

What do I do as it is causing problem after problem and DP is quite hurt by it all.

Please don’t subject your children to this. I spent every single Saturday of my childhood ‘shopping’ with my grandma and mum. She couldn’t drive so insisted my mum come to hers and take her to town every weekend, she expected me to come too. My mum now admits completely that she should have stood up to her and said no but my grandma is the one that suffers the consequences now because I just don’t go and see her. It sounds really trivial and I struggled with guilt about not wanting to see her for years but from being a baby to being a teen (when I could finally say no I’ll stay at home on my own) I never got a Saturday to play, to get up late, to see friends. I have absolutely 0 fond memories of her. Not once did we do an activity that a child might want to do. She wanted to see me, but on her terms and to do adult things and wonders why I don’t care now. Be strong OP.

Prioritise learning to drive! Not for this but for yourself. It is going to be tough, time consuming and add to your load as your children grow with nursery and school closer than you think.

You will then, hopefully, return to work and with your DP leaving you to basically to do everything due to "work" then this will increase the difficulties.

Well looks like you are being forced in the oppressed little housewife role.

Can you learn how to drive? Because not driving keeps you stuck in the house, minding kids and reduces your choices in life.

I presume MIL doesn't drive either...because men drive to keep themselves in control and so they have freedom. Women are not encouraged to drive so they stay at home and mind kids.

"it is causing problem after problem and DP is quite hurt by it all."

well poor Diddums.

You have to cope with being invaded by his mother but he gets to push out his lower lip and go boo hoo my feelings are hurt.

Look, things change over the course of a marriage and with the arrival of kids.
Your MIL will just have to adapt and be flexible.

You stick to your guns.

How come you have to FT the MIL while your DP avoids it.
She's his bloody mother not yours.
He needs to manage that relationship.

MIL asks to meet up about once a week but it's always either to go to her house (which means I would need to get 2 little ones on the train and bus) or to go to a specific town (again, involving train) to walk around the shops.

I put my foot down when kids were little and said come to us or meet in middle - DH backed me so it happened - the family involved were traveling the globe so no reason they couldn't get to us.

I also found many compromises - kids friends mornings - parks, museums other attractions shop after. I do wonder why I spent so much time and energy trying to keep everyone else happy though - I've never been thanked for it - still had moans - and they weren't my relatives and just got very difficult in other ways.

OP has said money is an issue with these visits. If the bus/train fare is a stretch financially I would imagine driving lessons are probably out of the question at the moment never mind running a car. Where I am they currently cost over £40 an hour, I was shocked when GC told me that as it seems such a lot but I guess with the instructors time, wear and tear on the car, high insurance etc it isn't unreasonable.

In the long run learning to drive is a great thing to do, makes life easier but I don't think it is the answer at the moment.

What do you want to accomplish OP.
It sounds as if your relationship with your MIL is as good as it could be and your children see their grandparents regularly
Your MIL already speaks to her son.
This may not be as often as MIL would like , but that’s life.
I think you need to stop being Wonder Woman - lovely to try but you are a SAHM with 2 little ones and can’t drive. It’s too much to see her every week without DP.
I think you need to talk frankly with DP. He needs to stop fobbing his mother off and visit her with the kids. If weekly’s too much , fortnightly or monthly He needs to make these arrangements not you.
I also think it’s time you learnt how to drive. It will make your life easier.
Whatever happens I think you need to stop enabling your DP. Be honest with your MIL and put the responsibility on her son.

Can you imagine in a million years that DH would catch two trains a week to see your mum with the kids?

You're voluntarily taking responsibility for a relationship that is his to manage. Over to him. If he screws it up and can't be arsed, that's on him. He will need to manage his projects alongside, or cut them down, but delegating this to you is not the solution.

I think their initial reservation about you has made you want to chase their approval, thus bending over backwards.

And if you're not married, be very careful about your financial arrangements. He works all hours self-employed and you're a SAHM? If you split, he'll claim he earns 2p a month and you'll be without a home. He'll probably run back home to mama and get her to take care of the kids in the hours he has them.

I think this sort of message is a good response. Explain how stressful and difficult it is for you and get your DP to back you up

I would just see her with your DH so he can drive you over there.

Do it say once a week for an hour or 2 in the evening and be done.

I wouldn’t get buses and stuff to see her when DH can drive.

And if you're not married, be very careful about your financial arrangements. He works all hours self-employed and you're a SAHM? If you split, he'll claim he earns 2p a month and you'll be without a home. He'll probably run back home to mama and get her to take care of the kids in the hours he has them.

Yes, I'm afraid that in general sympathy for the OP in her current situation I also thought this ⬆️ and wondered whether she was claiming child benefit into her OWN solo bank account so she can get NI credit towards her state pension.

Also odd that MIL (and OP's "hurt", unhelpful partner) don't seem to realise that roads work both ways but it's easier for someone with a car to visit, not so much OP, no car, travelling on difficult public transport with two small children and all their needs).

OP your partner doesn't seem very proactive in actively helping you - what do you think should happen next? 🌹

Can you imagine in a million years that DH would catch two trains a week to see your mum with the kids?

@NoCloudsAllowed great point.

How often does your DH take the kids to see your parents without you there?

There are 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week. If DH wanted to fit in seeing his mother, he would do, end of. He can wrap it up any which way he wants but he's finding time for work and these other "projects" so if he wanted to he could find time to see his mum. He's not doing and he's making it your problem.

How old is MI? Does she go out and about generally? I’d there are cultural differences does she feel insecure travelling on her own?

Since one of the acceptable-to-MIL options is taking a train and walking around shops or taking the kids on activities (swimming), I don't see why she can't take the train to visit you at your house. How presumptuous to assume that it's no problem for you with two young children, when it's too far for her! I'd continue to state that it's too difficult to make the trip more than once a month, but she's welcome to come to you more often.

If your husband is working long hours, it does seem more difficult for him to take the children, especially since that would only eat further into your time together as a whole family. That's understandable; what's not understandable is him acting 'hurt' by the situation. He should know better than anyone how inflexible his mother can be, so how dare he add to your stress by acting sad, disappointed, etc. that you're not bending to her every whim?

You need to have a serious discussion about priorities and expectations. Work isn't everything. These are precious years, and he needs to save enough time for the family, including dealing with his family of origin and not putting the burden all on you. The very least he can do is not make you feel guilty about his own mother's demanding personality.

This, precisely.
Don't stress about it. I'm sure you have plenty of other things to worry about.

Precisely this.

Also realize that you are teaching your children something when you drag them out for someone else’s convenience. That your wants/needs don’t matter. That their wants/needs don’t matter.

Obviously your children should stay home and grandparents come to yours. Or DH takes them. Those are the options.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Your partner can sort out visiting his parents with the children.

“he just never has the time to take them”

Cannot roll my eyes hard enough at this 🙄No surprise there.

This. Much much more urgent than making his mum happy.

It's up to your h to arrange this, no matter how much he works.

You are being v reasonable but your MIL is being VU - not thinking about the kids, expecting everything on her terms.

I'd stand your ground.

Why do you say that money is an issue, but also that your self employed boyfriend is working all the time?

Sure, sometime that’s logical - you have to work all hours because money’s a problem. But you’ve chosen to have another child so I’m guessing money isn’t that much of a problem. I’m going to read between the lines that he isn’t short of money, only you.

As to what you do?

Decide what you’re happy with, and do that. And tell your boyfriend to piss off with his “hurt” crap.

Maybe you’re prepare to host Sunday lunch once a month with your boyfriend.

Maybe you’ll take your toddler to a free library singing and story session every Thu morning at a location you can reach by one bus only, and she’s welcome to join you any time.

You decide, then tell her, then learn to not care what she thinks of it.

And sort out how financially vulnerable you d made yourself with Opt Out Dad.

It sounds like very hard work for you. I have memories of struggling across London via two long bus rides absolutely exhausted with a newborn and a toddler to see the in laws. Once I somehow got pressured into staying and staying and ended up overnighting with two babies that wouldn't settle in small uncomfortable bed. I realised that however long I stayed or however frequently I went each visit always ended up with comments about "we see you so little, this was such a short visit" Absolutely not true but I realised there was nothing I could do to satisfy them so I dialled it back a lot so it worked more for me.

Set your boundaries firmly and cheerfully. If you can only please your MIL by bending over backwards, exhausting yourself and stressing yourself out, that is just not right. Once a month sounds plenty. Or even less is fine too.

Your problem is your partner. Ignore MIL; if she wants to see the kids badly enough she can do it at your convenience.

Why is he absent so much? Was this the case when you decided to have children with him? Do you work? What is your long term plan?

Oh no, that all sounds very hard and DP not really helping the situation, would imagine right now he will bury his head in the sand and just keep working. Personally I'd carry on like you are, sounds like you are struggling and they are just adding more difficulty to your life. If DP wants to facilitate a get together with them on a Sunday when he's not working that could be a nice idea as long as he deals with the hospitality side of things.

@Feelingcrappy2 - you wrote "However outside of breaks like xmas, he just never has the time to take them"
I would dispute that he does indeed have the time to bring them. The difference is that he doesn't prioritise this as something that he must or should do.

You need to have a chat with your DH and say that this is how it's going to be going forwards.
If visits to his mother are on the cards, they will be once a fortnight and he will be the one to bring the kids to her. Not you.
She is welcome to make the same journey to your home in the intervening weeks (if she does that will be something) but you are no longer going to be the one doing all of the travelling to/from her place with the kids. That stops immediately.

This is not a reflection on your MiL but more on what you are willing to do going forwards. You have noticed that 100% of the travelling has been done by one party - you and that stops now.

This arrangement will change when the kids start doing activities that are scheduled at the weekends and she must accept that.

You don't have to do anything more than that. She has had a wonderful time up to this point but life changes and it sounds like she isn't adapting to that very well and neither is your DH. You could run yourself ragged trying to please everyone and you end up pleasing no one. Time to establish new boundaries and maybe, just maybe, when you do show up to things, people will understand that it's not a chore or something you don't want to be doing, you're actually quite happy to be there but this will take time and you will have to spell it out to your DH this is for everyone's benefit (might not feel it to them at the outset) but really it is.

Best of luck to you with it all.