So....brewing argument with MIL has finally come to a head. Don't know if I am being unreasonable and where to go from here. Advice?!

[Feelingcrappy2]

Where do I begin?!

Our relationship started almost 10 years ago. It took a year for my DP to introduce me to his mum due to cultural indifferences. They don't support 'boyfriends/girlfriends' and DP was always very honest with me in that they probably wouldn't want to know me unless we were to get engaged.

I still remember our first meeting being very awkward, very uncomfortable and leaving thinking 'ok, she does NOT like me!'.

I met her a handful of times between then and the following 5 years until I fell pregnant (out of wedlock - yes that was dramatic but a whole other story!). She was always pleasant after that first meet up but I was never welcomed into the family as such, I was just kept at arms length, met up once/twice a year and that was that.

When I had my first child, things changed. After the initial shock and drama, they suddenly (felt like an overnight U-turn) started wanting to really know.

Any way, things improved and after many years of feeling the outcast, they were very nice and welcoming.

I started to form a good relationship with his parents and we saw each other about once a week. I did go back to work after DC1 was born so we went over to their house every sat/sun.

Now here is where I am open to opinions and fully accept that I may need to lower my expectations. Things started to change for me about a year ago when I was expecting DC2, when I realised that meeting up was always going to be on their terms. MIL asks to meet up about once a week but it's always either to go to her house (which means I would need to get 2 little ones on the train and bus) or to go to a specific town (again, involving train) to walk around the shops. Now, of course I don't mind doing these things, say, once per month?! But certainly not every single week. I am quite antisocial, money is an issue at the moment and I'm a tired/stressed SAHM and I don't fancy dragging a baby and a toddler around shops for hours on end stressing about where to heat their lunch/bottles etc. Does that make me sound difficult?

She always says how much she adores them and loves them but I realised that she was never going to actually offer to do anything to help me. Such as, take the older one for a couple of hours, have them on her own at her house etc etc. I just kind of got a bit fed up of the usual Option 1. Her house or Option 2. Shopping/something annoying to do with 2 kids like swimming?!. So.... yes I may have started to get a bit slack on calling her back and responding but I just didn't want to have to keep saying no to her suggestions. It was getting awkward and I was starting to feel pressured. I always would invite her to come here whenever I said no to the invite but she never comes as she says that it is too far.

She basically said recently that she wouldn't be bothering me anymore as I always make up excuses. I did say to her that I find it hard to accommodate her invites with two young kids but she said that wherever she suggests going is more convenient to her, so she was basically saying that it was her way or no way.

It has now been nearly 2 weeks since we have spoken, we have not said HNY to each other and I just KNOW that she is going to be VERY off with me when I next see her. It feels like whenever I go over there she has a problem with me/has to make comments etc etc, when I am not stopping her from seeing her grandkids..she could easily come here for the day/take them on her own to give me a break. There are options that would make life easier for me. I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just I hate being far from home/out for the whole day with the kids. I'm just not very adventurous, it's nothing personal!

I don't want to argue with her, I hate it being awkward. I just feel like she feels i make zero effort and basically couldn't care less about them, which is so not the case and it's just been so dramatised.

Finally (and this is again, very debatable) I've realised that she keeps her family extremely close and calls her kids multiple times per day, don't get me wrong this is so lovely in so many ways. I am not trying to sound like an awful, cold hearted person but I was just not raised like that. I'm very close to my own mum but we definitely go a couple of days without speaking!
MIL would love to call me/facetime me most days and see her every week, which to some people might sound completely reasonable, but I struggle with that. My son HATES facetime and runs away screaming everytime he has to get on the camera! It's just stressful hence why I don't answer FT calls.

I suppose I am just being antisocial but that is who I am. I don't want to keep keep keep arguing over it. I don't think I can change myself and start calling up every day and FT'ing every day and meeting once a week.. it's just not me.

What do I do as it is causing problem after problem and DP is quite hurt by it all.

DP drives, I do not

Excellent. Get him to take them over.

I bet he isn't keen to do this because it's a headfuck getting a toddler and a baby strapped into a car and coping with the journey there and back with two small children on board.

He's a lazy so-and-so.

Get married ASAP.

Your mil may well come between the two of you and you do not want to be left with a failed relationship where you get zero financial support.

This ought to be your priority. Mil has shown she has form for being difficult. You would be a fool to ignore this massive warning about your future.

Perhaps you need to consider swapping some of the childcare burden with the financial burden so that your DP has time to take kids to his DM but with your working your income remains the same?

Your MIL is being very demanding and self centred. Of course you aren't going to want to trail two kids round the shops with her every single weekend. That should be family time for you and your family. If she wants to see her grandkids every week, she needs to organise for your husband to meet her or come over to your house , but certainly not every weekend. You sound like you never see your husband and he sounds even more selfish than his mother. Instead of questioning yourself and putting a load of pressure on yourself, sit down with your husband and thrash things out. Better still, do it with MIL present.

He's working 7 days a week every week is he?

Like everyone else says he sounds like a tosser tbh. It's his job to facilitate his kids relationship with his DM, not yours.

You don't seem to be married, you are extremely vulnerable. Seen it many times before where these blokes get fed up though when the woman starts complaining, leave, and actually marry second time around to a woman of the same cultural background (sometimes brought from abroad) and complete start over again basically. Especially being self-employed as easy to hide earnings and pay next to nothing in CM. You are really in a bad situation OP, the MIL issue is the least of your worries.

I agree with the consensus: this is actually not your problem, it's your DH's.

Sounds like he is avoiding parental responsibility hiding behind work.

However, it reasonable to expect, at some point during the week his children should be prioritised over work.

Time for you to broach a conversation to change the current set up...

Just had a think there and in the 8 years I was with exh and 3 dc I never visited ils without dh. .
Trip to the dentist for a root canal would have been a preferable day out .

What projects stop you OH being free at the weekends? How often does he actually want to see his mum? If his 'occasionally' is fine for him then the issue is actually that MIL wants to see the kids more than either of you are dead keen (fair enough) on facilitating. Are there any reasons why she does not feel able to get herself to yours? If not, I would be inclined to issue an invite for her to come to yours on regular occasion and let her decline if she wants to. If she says 'lets met in my town instead', you just say 'no I can't do that, the kids don't enjoy it, it's too much for me to manage them both on the public transport'. If she chooses not to come to you, that's on her.

Hopefully you've alienated her for life and won't have to bother with her nonsense any more!

“Unfortunately my DP isn’t very giving…”

Advanced search 😔

Wow she sounds hard work! I’d make it clear your happy to go to her sometimes but you’re a SAHM of two who doesn’t drive so it works both ways and she can make the effort too

Why aren't you married?

Read what she wrote. Yes. MIL refuses.

This is the perfect message, I was going to write something similar.

I had a similar issue to you but after having my second I put my foot down and said no more travelling around for me and 2 small kids but made a big thing about her ALWAYS being more than welcome in our home for visits.

In my case in didn’t work though, 12 years later she still only visits about once a year and spends to rest of the time pestering my DH to see them.

OP what is the reason you are not married?

He comes from a culture where marriage is important, you have 2 kids together, you’re both I assume in it for the long run, so why aren’t you married?

I also don’t understand how your DP is doing all of these hours and you’re having issues with money?

100%

Every time.

IF it's too far her to even consider doing, then you couldn't possibly be arsed with a baby, a toddler and all their 'stuff', let alone the time and expense to move 3 of you across towns.

Fuck her. Let her DH facilitate her seeing his children if he wants them to have a relationship. Tell him firmly that you are out of it. It's now entirely his job.

OP has left the building now that people are asking her why she had two children and is a SAHparent to a man from such a traditional background that his parents treated her like a fallen woman for years.

I think the whole answer to this is shrug MIL is going to feel what she's going to feel, but that doesn't change facts. It's too much effort for you to go to hers every time with two tiny kids. Especially as the effort only goes one way.

Keep saying what you're saying, even if you sound like a broken record, "I'd love to see you, but it's hard for me to manage with both kids. You're welcome to come over here any time!"

Otherwise, hand the whole issue over to your DH. He needs to start speaking up for his new family.

OP, as others have said, you are in a very vulnerable position here and the issue with MIL is the least of it. She does not respect you, but more worryingly, nor does your DP. He knew you would not be fully accepted by his family unless you were married, yet he has not married you. He leaves you to care for 2 young children single handedly for the vast majority of the time. He does nothing to facilitate his own children’s relationship with his parents, and is happy to lay all the responsibility and guilt for that on you. He works all the time but money is tight - do you actually have full visibility on your family’s finances? What are these other projects he is doing and what money do they bring in? I’m going to guess he is very vague or even completely opaque on this. Meanwhile, it sounds like you have no access to your own money and are financially dependent on him.

What does he actually do that shows he loves and values you? What situation would you be in if the relationship broke down? Are you able to end the relationship if you wanted to? Is getting married a priority to improve your financial situation if the relationship ever breaks down? What other options do you have to regain financial independence?

Stop worrying about placating his mother (who does not care about your wellbeing and seems to have only a passing interest in her grandchildren, given how she refuses to put any effort into seeing them) and start thinking critically about your wider situation.

I feel like you attempt to have one more heart to heart with her - better face to face but if not over the phone.

Explain yourself, what your limitations are, how you need best supporting, start with saying 'this relationship is very important to me', you can refer to cultural differences - e.g I understand there are some cultural differences between say how I am with my family Vs how you understand family to operate, I want you to know that this relationship is very important to me, you are very important to me but this is how I need best supporting....I want you to be involved in our lives, the children and I love you - but I need you to come over to us. If you could get a lift or a taxi or public transport that would work better for (and give your reasons). I really don't want to fall out do you think you can help me out here / or meet me in the middle?

If she says no - then you say, well I'm really sorry you feel that, I've really tried my best here. It might be better for you to take up organising to see your Grandkids with your son then.

If she nods along but doesn't follow up with the actions and things default back - then there's your answer and you can say to your DH you tried and now he needs to pick this up.

This is the most grown up way to go about it, I think. Not the easiest way - it's direct but it's also not confrontational - it's mature and respectful. If she can't fall in line you can legit say you tried.

let us know how you get on!

whenever I said no to the invite but she never comes as she says that it is too far.

Is it close for you to get to her than it is for her to get to you?

Id send a text

I really don't want things to be difficult between us as I would like you and the dc to have a good relationship, its important for everyone involved. Getting public transport with 2 dc isn't fun & I dread it, thus an open invite for you to come here. Is it possible that someone from the wider family could bring you over? Can we find a soft play area between us that is easy for both of us to get to ?

Give it back to her but with suggestions of what you are open to do and why you really don't want to do all he travelling

if she doesn't take the olive branch then she is a fool, her own ds isn't putting himself out

Stop stressing it's not your problem, you're not even married so she's not actually your MIL. It's not your job to facilitate a relationship between MIL and DC, that's hers and your partners job, they don't get to delegate it to you. If MIL complains refuse to discuss and send her in DHs direction. Also I would probably kill someone if I had to see my MIL every week and I'd go on a killing rampage if I had to facetime her daily, I mean WTAF!

Do all the people writing helpful sample letters to MIL not get that it’s perfectly obvious MIL knows she could go to OPs but chooses not to? OP is not a child or a legit DIL so nothing will be done that benefits her. She is just a vehicle that conveys the gc to the more important core family. No one is going to OP’s house or babysitting her kids. She is just a stranger who manages the kids for her partner.

This. You can't afford the journey either.

Actually I read all the OPs posts but the first one was quite long and I missed the few words on this. That's why I put my suggestion as a question - in case she had already tried it.