Do you believe everyone is slightly autistic?

[Unfriendlywoes]

Constantly have people saying this to me, usually when I’m trying to open up about my struggles with my ASD dd. I feel like a complete failure as a parent quite a lot, and feel so utterly broken and angry after fighting and begging for support for so long and still not getting any really. Currently draining all of my finances to access private therapies for her. If it’s a case of everyone is slightly autistic, why is it so fucking hard?

OP, if you'd like some support on MN, the Neurodiverse Mumsnetters board is really good.

I think the unfortunate issue with so many of the Autism threads over Christmas - most now deleted - is that they have had (unintentional) click-bait style titles in my opinion. These type of threads will always attract negativity. It would be nice to think it raised awareness and understanding, but it often doesn't go that way.

The lack of support and understanding that there should be as illustrated on this thread isn’t a reason for people to not have access to diagnosis.

I know both lots of adults who were diagnosed autistic or adhd in their 30s, I also know many children as my son was diagnosed at 2. Obviously I can't speak for them but this is what my understanding is.

For the children a diagnosis helps parents understand their child, be able to read and study about autism and change their parenting. It also effects their access to education and support. I had to change a lot of how I parent based on understanding what my son was trying to communicate with his behaviour.

For adults the diagnosis can be very cathartic, a validation and understanding of why they found certain aspects of life so challenging. It has helped them with their jobs as now they know they are ND, they feel they are allowed to adapt to what they need. It also means they understand their children better. Their whole outlook has changed and they feel a profound sense of relief and have made more connections within ND community.

Of course in an ideal world that would be true, but in the real world, kids and adults alike have such a finely attuned ability to spot what is different, odd or just slightly “off”

Autistic people - diagnosed or not - suffer a tremendous amount of bullying and social exclusion because of that.

I saw a joke somewhere that said school bullies are better at diagnosing autism than any doctor 😉

I have spent my entire life knowing that very few people “get” me or warm to me when first meeting me, without understanding why. Now I do.

Unfortunately, a lot of older diagnosed women feel this way. When you are called 'weird' and 'odd' and much worse, of course you want to forgive yourself for believing that yourself, because you've been conditioned to feel weird, and therefore tried hard to hide the 'weirdness'. This is what often breaks us. Recognition of the harm done to ourselves is often the path that starts the diagnosis process.

The forgiveness one affords oneself after diagnosis is a really important part of the healing and acceptance process. Forgiving and accepting ourselves is a very powerful thing.It then leads to actually liking and loving who we are for the first time.

For anyone feeling like this, I recommend the book Odd Girl Out by Laura James.

If it stops kids getting bullied at school, that's something I can 100% get behind

as PP said, Anyone who thinks that has clearly little experience of autism. Maybe the GP was trying to be nice and thinking a problem shared is a problem halved. But it’s really a silly thing to say.

That's a really good way of explaining it. Thank you.

Interested to know where the diagnosis’s are handed out like sweets… I may up sticks and move there! 3 years of fighting just for a referral, followed by a waiting list that is eye wateringly long and even now the support is non existent. I pay £700 per month on private OT and behavioural optometry in order to try and give my child the tools to function on a typical level. After almost 6 years of no sleep and having to be on guard all the time… I’m like a shell of a person. My poor dd tries so hard everyday in a world that is very difficult for her and it’s heartbreaking. I seriously hope anyone who agrees with the initial statement never has to watch their child struggle in such a way!

No. I always correct people when they say this. Autism is a neurological condition, not a series of personality traits. Saying 'everyone is a bit autistic' is like saying 'everyone is a bit diabetic'. Utter bollocks.

No because it isn't just a spectrum, it's a spectrum disorder that some people have and others don't, even if they have one or two similar traits.

I don't get wound up if people say it though, it's usually coming from a lack of information/education, not malice.

@SkyBlueBoy

If it stops kids getting bullied at school, that's something I can 100% get behind

Is that because you can relate it NT kids and is the worst thing you can imagine?

For my DS diagnosis meant access to specialist school (not possible without) and when that failed to LA funded SALT and OT and community psychiatric care (that took JR and wouldn't have been possible without diagnosis).

Didn't cure him though and so his disability benefits fund his ability to leave the house for fresh air and exercise without encountering people (private dog field) and his diagnosis and receipt of disability benefit means he does not have to seek work. I also receive CA so I am able to support him. It's not a lot and is hard work but without that support I don't think he would have survived. For years I lived suicide watch.

So post-diagnostic does not offer a cure or even support that can offer a functional life but it can improve life to an extent that makes life worth living even if it is severely impacted.

No, and I don’t like the way people so
often bandy it around ‘sorry, I’m being a bit autistic…’ etc

I imagine it’s very insensitive and potentially insulting to those affected.

To relate back to the OP, when FS was 7 a hospital doctor (audiology) said to me 'so he is autistic, so what? - you are lucky, he's one of the quiet ones, ignore it, you don't want him making excuses as a teenager'.

DS was selectively mute. This doesn't mean he chooses situations in which he won't speak. It means that in social situations his body is so flooded with stress hormones that he loses the ability to speak. Just like an NT person might lose control of bladder or bowel function under extreme stress.

School also minimised and tried to claim he was fine. I have always wondered whether early diagnosis would have helped him develop coping mechanisms that would have allowed a better life. Does anyone still talk about early diagnosis now there is a waiting list to get on the waiting list?

Getting my own diagnosis has helped me so much. I understand myself more now and I can be the real authentic me now and not try to fit in. I did not realise how exhausted I was till I got this diagnosis and next month I am in with the psychiatrist for discussion about medication and to discuss coping mechanisms. Its like taking a breath of air having being submerged under water for years.

Not necessarily autism but I do think most people have "something". If you look for a fault you will find it.

I suspect these comments aren't helping you though OP.

FFS 🙄

No. I have children and a husband who are. It is a very ignorant comment.

@Coincidentally it was relevant to the responses the op was getting.....
Trying to explain some of the difficulties & processes but okay, you have a dig at me. Hope that made you feel better.

No. I do think however that this is a worrying trend. As soon as someone reports an issue with mental health or education, people will suggest neurodiversity.

This is what I’ve been trying to say

@UggyPow i do think your post was relevant, because like I said if everyone is so autistic, why the heck is it so hard?? Where is all the free support, diagnoses ‘handed out like sweets’ etc! It’s bloody hard work and the cycle is exhausting, especially when you are the only one fighting for your children. Sending you so much love and support, you are doing an amazing job and I hope things start to improve soon! Xx

I’m a bit mmm on this one. My Dad is autistic, A couple of my uncles on my mother’s side are autistic, DH’s sister and uncle are autistic, I’ve 2 autistic children and obviously I have autistic traits myself as does my entire family and DHs entire family and lots of my friends’s family and loads of my Engineer friends and colleagues. DH and I are both engineers so obviously know a lot of Engineers. I am surrounded by a lot of people with significant autistic traits or autism. I see lots of spectrum traits in many people. I don’t think it is very clear cut as autistic or not. I do however recognise that some people are very, very affected by the disability of autism.

Would we say anyone who bruises easily is a little bit haemophiliac?
No.
So it's clearly possible to have similar symptoms without actually fitting a diagnosis.

I suspect people are using it to try and comfort, to say it's "normal". Which is hurtful and irritating, but not meant maliciously.
In the same way when I had a scan and found my baby was missing a hand, people tried to tell me all about their neighbour's friend's grandfather's carer's cat's vet's wife who was missing her hand and "could do anything". Not comforting at all, but people thought it was.

I've been thinking about this recently. I have 2 DC diagnosed and another awaiting assessment. I'm fairly sure I'm ND myself (my school even back in the 80s had concerns but my mum didn't want me to be labelled as "not alright" and they left it). I have mostly been at home and unscheduled the past week. Outside my family I have had minimal contact with others. I have switched my laptop off and had no emails or teams from work. We've eaten when hungry, watched TV, had a bit of exercise here and there. I feel so much calmer and less stressed out. Could the sheer pressure and pace of modern life with it's frantic rushing around, targets and the expectation of being constantly contactable and "on duty" actually be responsible for the spike in people who can't cope with things? Are we all just burned out rather than ND? I'm not downplaying the seriousness of a diagnosis or saying some people are not autistic, more that "everyone is on the spectrum" actually could be "everyone is knackered and needs a break".