Do the eldest grandchildren in the family set the traditions ?

[Powerstruggle01]

My SIL has just announced she’s pregnant- my DH (her brother) and I are TTC at the moment but no luck yet.

I find my SIL and MIL to be quite domineering & it’s very much their way or the high way. Initially when I heard she was pregnant, I thought it was a good thing as it would take the pressure off me a bit when I do (eventually)have a baby as there will already be a grandchild in the family.

however, my Mum keeps saying that my SIL will get to set all the traditions / expectations with the grandkids now (like what my PIL’s are called by the children, Xmas traditions etc), and I’ll just have to fit in around what they’ve already chosen. Have other people found this to be the case ???

My Mum & MIL very much view themselves to be the matriarchs of their families and my MIL tried to take over a bit with my wedding which put my mum’s back up so not sure if there is a bit of a power struggle going on or if the eldest grandkids do set the traditions and expectations ?? We all live within 10 mins of each other so I do see quite a bit of both sides of the family.

Also sorry to to add my SIL has constantly asked us about when we are having children since we got married last year, so it has felt like she’s been competitive about who gets pregnant first.

TBH it sounds like your mum is the one meddling here a bit.

I think you need to relax a bit instead of trying to build 'traditions' and name grandparents overnight.

You’re not even pregnant yet, so a complete non issue and really not something your mum should be saying to you.

No, the mother and the father set the traditions for their own family.

It sounds like you need to be in charge of your own family a bit more rather than being pushed around by two people whose children have now grown up.

Well, no domineering personalities in our families but yes, to some extent we fell in with what the older cousins were doing when we had DC, eg using the same grandparent names just seemed natural as we were already used to hearing them called those names. Christmas plans adjusted to suit everyone and some traditions started with the older grandchildren continued to ours.

My DH stuck to his guns with what he wanted his children to call their grandparents, regardless of what his brother's kids already called them.
So my MIL had some that called her Nana and some who called her Grandma.

Personally, I'd like to choose what I would want to be called, and would hope that they would ask me, instead of choose for themselves whether I'll be a Nan/Nana etc.

What traditions are you thinking about? If it’s only what the grandparents are called then yes that did happen in our family. I would find it weirder if the cousins didn’t call their grandparents the same thing when all together? (Unless the name chosen was truly bizarre obviously!)

Apart from that I can’t think of a single other tradition?

I think grandparent names do tend to be determined with the first child. That has been a case in our family.

We asked both sets of grandparents what they wanted to be called. We all have our own traditions regarding Christmas and things like that. Sometimes we slot in together, sometimes we don’t. I have the eldest on my side but not on DHs side. Can’t say I’ve noticed a difference

I think grandparent names is the big one - my mum and MIL both want to be known as the same thing

That can still work. Both my grannies were known as granny surname

It does sound like it's your mum meddling here. Even if it were the case, what's the point in her mentioning it as you can't do anything about it anyway?!

To a certain extent it's true, our children are the first grandkids on both sides but other cousins have followed what they do in terms of names for grandparents but tbh, the grandparents chose them themselves.

Christmas traditions, Easter, etc each family unit just does it's own thing. My mum has little transitions she has started with her grandkids like she always buys their advent calendars or my MIL always buys their Xmas pjs, but again they did that themselves it wasn't decided by me or my kids lol

We followed in with grandparents names, but I know other cousins had 2 sets of Nanas so added surnames in. Also my ds3 rocked up with his own new name for dgf so there might always be a non confirmed to muddy the waters.

When I produced the first grandchild in the family, my MIL decided what she wanted to be called. It was nothing to do with me or my husband.
OP, I think you are worrying unnecessarily and your DM is stirring. Don’t worry about it!

We also have this in our family, it's not an issue. My kids just know them as Grandma insert surname* when discussing them and then just Grandma to their face. No issue

Exactly @Katela18

Usually the name comes from what the new parents called their grandparents. The tradition comes from the family, not the first grandchild.

Of course not , my mum is called something totally different by my kids to what she is called by my siblings kids . Domineering personalities may well try and impose choices on others but you don’t have to play that game.

@Katela18 yep I think my mum is worried that my MIL will ‘take’ the traditions like buying Xmas PJ’s or advent calendars and she won’t get a look in.

they’ve also both catagorically said they don’t want to be known as Granny X and Granny Y 🙄

Surely the grandparents decide what they are called not the children? It's not a drama to have two grandmothers called the same name.

Yes the oldest grandchildren do set some traditions but also they evolve as more children come along.

Grandparents chose their own names for our kids. Those who wanted the same were eg granny Liz and granny seaside. The traditions of the oldest didn’t always follow but the ones important to them did (eg one lot wanted to buy all the school shoes- fine by me!!).

Both my grandmothers were Grandma so Grandma Firstname. Both my DCs grandfathers are known as Grandad, and as they also share a first name they are called Grandad Mysurname and Grandad DHsurname (obviously just Grandad to their faces or when only one of them present). This isn't unusual I don't think.

We had Grandma Kathy and Grandma Jayne. It’s fine to have both called the same thing. Also, grandma Jayne was called Nana by her other grandkids. Don’t worry too much.

In all honesty MIL isn't the problem here, it's your mum who is going to be a nightmare grandma by the sounds of things. The type to keep score and complain it's not fair if MIL has spent half an hour more with the baby this week and demand to do all the 'firsts'.

Why is she winding you up about this when you're not even pregnant yet? Because she's already keeping score and her nose is out of joint that MIL is 'beating' her by becoming a grandma first.

(That being said, I absolutely despise the names my kids use for the in-laws and yes it's because my DH siblings had kids first and chose the names and the in-laws prefer all the grandchildren to use the same name, it's not worth arguing over though!).

You aren't even pregnant, never mind ready to need an advent calendar.

Getting into all of this drama now is just ridiculous.