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Original poster

Do the eldest grandchildren in the family set the traditions ?

111 replies

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:37

My SIL has just announced she’s pregnant- my DH (her brother) and I are TTC at the moment but no luck yet.

I find my SIL and MIL to be quite domineering & it’s very much their way or the high way. Initially when I heard she was pregnant, I thought it was a good thing as it would take the pressure off me a bit when I do (eventually)have a baby as there will already be a grandchild in the family.

however, my Mum keeps saying that my SIL will get to set all the traditions / expectations with the grandkids now (like what my PIL’s are called by the children, Xmas traditions etc), and I’ll just have to fit in around what they’ve already chosen. Have other people found this to be the case ???

My Mum & MIL very much view themselves to be the matriarchs of their families and my MIL tried to take over a bit with my wedding which put my mum’s back up so not sure if there is a bit of a power struggle going on or if the eldest grandkids do set the traditions and expectations ?? We all live within 10 mins of each other so I do see quite a bit of both sides of the family.

OP posts:

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 31/12/2023 09:30

I would say the grandparents get to choose what they want to be called, and as for traditions, they evolve over time anyway. I'm the only one with kids in my family so I suppose I did set the rules to a certain extent but my kids would have loved cousins so

PeanutAndBanana · 31/12/2023 09:33

I think you are overthinking this. My DC are the oldest grandchildren on both sides. They call both grandmothers Granny [first name]. My sister's dc call my mum Granny and their dad's mum Grandma. Cousins on the other side call my ex H's mum Grandma or Granny depending on what their other grandmother wants. My DCs' half siblings call their dad's grandmother (my ex's mother) Granny and their other grandmother Granny. It all seems fine, everyone knows who is who and gets on with it.

Rewis · 31/12/2023 09:44

You get to decide your own traditions. Just because your mum and MIL are in a power struggle doenst mean you have to go along with it. You have power over your own kids and you can say no and you can redirect.

As a side note, imo the grandparents get to pick their own name (usually from family) and if it's the same one everyone will deal. My grandparents had the same name and we all survived. And I do know families where they use differnrt names for the same grandpa. And that works too.

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saraclara · 31/12/2023 09:58

crumblingschools · 30/12/2023 22:29

Just tell your DM you are going to be doing things like advent calendars etc so there won’t be any competition with MIL

Yep. I'm a grandma, but it wouldn't occur to me that advent calendars, pyjamas and pantomimes were mine to have dibs on. They're things that my daughter and son in law get to enjoy providing, unless they offer the opportunity to me.

saraclara · 31/12/2023 10:01

... And yes, my daughter asked me what I would like to be called. So it's not about the first grandchild deciding. It's about the person who gets to be addressed.

Presumably I'd have hated being called nanny, so I was very appreciative of being asked for my input.

Sisterpita · 31/12/2023 10:02

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:54

I think grandparent names is the big one - my mum and MIL both want to be known as the same thing

This is a non issue both can have the same name. You can distinguish by surname or location if necessary.

thirdfiddle · 31/12/2023 10:20

Can't you give them both a gentle talking to.

Mum, aren't you getting a bit ahead of yourself? You know we'd love to have kids but there's no guarantees. And if we do, we're their parents, not you or MIL. I'm sure things will work out and if traditions clash we'll find ways to balance it out. Like the kids are going to complain if they get two advent calendars!

MIL we're so excited about DNiece/Nephew. Are you going to be Granny? Ooh that's cool, my mum can't wait to be a Granny too. Now what do you think we should give as a new baby present?

DietChat · 31/12/2023 11:08

Advent calendars.
The early primary school years were a bit of an early morning nightmare with an anxious kid, a sleepy toddler, absent father, etc
Alongside the multiple playgroup/school/hobby Christmas parties came the peak of grandparent competitive advent calendars which was just another thing to wrangle.

Problem was solved on about the 3rd of December after school when we played 'maths snack' solving simple sums (eg 23+1) and eating all the chocolate.
Everyone felt a bit sick and we were all calmer the next day.

luckylavender · 31/12/2023 12:38

@Powerstruggle01 - I find from your post that your MIL, your SIL & your DM are all domineering and you need to steer your own ship.

Sisterpita · 31/12/2023 12:54

luckylavender · 31/12/2023 12:38

@Powerstruggle01 - I find from your post that your MIL, your SIL & your DM are all domineering and you need to steer your own ship.

It does sound like this.

I think you and DH should decide on traditions etc. and present a united front - this is what our family does.

JudyP · 31/12/2023 13:26

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:54

I think grandparent names is the big one - my mum and MIL both want to be known as the same thing

In our family they get called Granny (first name) so the both are granny - could you do this? But with whatever they want to be called? Eg nana or grandma

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