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Original poster

Do the eldest grandchildren in the family set the traditions ?

111 replies

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:37

My SIL has just announced she’s pregnant- my DH (her brother) and I are TTC at the moment but no luck yet.

I find my SIL and MIL to be quite domineering & it’s very much their way or the high way. Initially when I heard she was pregnant, I thought it was a good thing as it would take the pressure off me a bit when I do (eventually)have a baby as there will already be a grandchild in the family.

however, my Mum keeps saying that my SIL will get to set all the traditions / expectations with the grandkids now (like what my PIL’s are called by the children, Xmas traditions etc), and I’ll just have to fit in around what they’ve already chosen. Have other people found this to be the case ???

My Mum & MIL very much view themselves to be the matriarchs of their families and my MIL tried to take over a bit with my wedding which put my mum’s back up so not sure if there is a bit of a power struggle going on or if the eldest grandkids do set the traditions and expectations ?? We all live within 10 mins of each other so I do see quite a bit of both sides of the family.

OP posts:
CarolinaInTheMorning · 30/12/2023 22:30

I'm a grandparent. When the first child came along, DH and I picked our grandparent names, and happily they did not conflict with what the other grandparents wanted. All subsequent grandchildren call us those names. As to all the rest of the "traditions", we have left that up to their parents. We are happy to join in as and when, but their families, their choices.

Namenamchange · 30/12/2023 22:31

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:54

I think grandparent names is the big one - my mum and MIL both want to be known as the same thing

why is that a problem, they can both be the same name, it’s not a big deal. I think your mum is the one with the problem to be honest.

UsingChangeofName · 30/12/2023 22:33

In all honesty MIL isn't the problem here, it's your mum who is going to be a nightmare grandma by the sounds of things. The type to keep score and complain it's not fair if MIL has spent half an hour more with the baby this week and demand to do all the 'firsts'.

Why is she winding you up about this when you're not even pregnant yet? Because she's already keeping score and her nose is out of joint that MIL is 'beating' her by becoming a grandma first.

All of this.
Your mother needs to butt out and stop creating issues that aren't there.
You should tell her to stop being so ridiculous every time she starts.

Oh, and no - you don't have to have "traditions" that are the same as either your siblings or in-laws.

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Families
Mantling · 30/12/2023 22:41

Just tell them both to calm down or you are going to emigrate to a remote island before getting pregnant.

Whataretheodds · 30/12/2023 22:47

Surely the grandparents say what they'd like to be known as.

they’ve also both catagorically said they don’t want to be known as Granny X and Granny Y well you're going to have to have a way of distinguishing between one Granny and the othe Granny, so either they choose another name or accept there will be a modifier.

autienotnaughty · 30/12/2023 22:55

We had the first grandchild. My mil decided she would be a Nana.

I would say the majority of traditions got determined when sil had her dd 3 years later.

TinkerTiger · 30/12/2023 22:59

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:54

I think grandparent names is the big one - my mum and MIL both want to be known as the same thing

So? Surely it's the grandparents who choose what they'd like to be referred to, not the parents of the first child?

I grew up with a grandpa, a granddad, a grandma A and a Grandma B. Oh and also a nanny (great grandmother).

We all lived.

TinkerTiger · 30/12/2023 23:01

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:58

@Katela18 yep I think my mum is worried that my MIL will ‘take’ the traditions like buying Xmas PJ’s or advent calendars and she won’t get a look in.

they’ve also both catagorically said they don’t want to be known as Granny X and Granny Y 🙄

I guess they'll have to get over it then.

And I'd nip the Christmas shit in the bud straight away. You and your DH buy those things. They only need one advent calendar and set of pyjamas.

TLDRfuckers · 30/12/2023 23:04

Yeah you should move - far away from all this non-event manufactured drama.

SheilaFentiman · 30/12/2023 23:11

We use place names of where they live eg Grandad Oxford and Grandad Cambridge. Since you all live close by, you could have “Gran High Street” and “Gran Park Lane” or whatever. As others have said, the kids just use grandad when they are actually there. It’s only to distinguish outside of visits.

And my (older) cousin called my Nan Grandma with the Blue Door - so cousins might not end up the same!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/12/2023 23:29

They'll only be known as Granny X or Y when differentiating. Never to their face!

I think all the MILs and Mothers and Mothers to be need to take a chill pill. Things evolve organically and you are allowed to have conversations about who gives the Xmas PJs this year.

DietChat · 30/12/2023 23:31

I had to put my mum on an information diet about in-law family. She's still ridiculously competitive but only has tiny bits of information to stew over which makes it easier when she's spitting it back at me.
MIL is definitely closer to the other, younger grandkids - a mix of geography, need and me.
I wasn't receptive to MIL being a first time grandparent, her ideas were often bonkers and unsafe.
Hearing my young kids relating back Granny losing her rag driving meant leaving them was stressful, so we didn't. Lost out on baby sitting, but other younger kids, more demanding, filled the space.
Smugly, my kids always seem to hold it together and shine when compared with cousins - we've turned out to be a bit sickeningly perfect on social meetups.

CoatOfArms · 30/12/2023 23:34

We all live within 10 mins of each other

What a bloody nightmare.

AndThatWasNY · 30/12/2023 23:38

Personally I would move far away (I did, best decision ever!). Less interfering, less Mums and MILs and much more independence. One life, live it without this bullshit!

spidermonkeys · 30/12/2023 23:38

Absolutely ridiculous to even be worrying about it.

Names often come from the children anyway.
My brother called my grandad poopy as a joke when he was little. The name completely stuck and 40 years on the grandchildren/ great grandchildren and nieces and nephews all call him poopy.

raspberrybeeret · 30/12/2023 23:47

On the flip side to the alarm bells of NC, consider how lucky any future GCs will be to have two grandmothers who love them and are keen to make traditions with them. Given you're all so geographically close consider ways to bring them - the two GMs - together rather than getting them to compete.

crumblingschools · 31/12/2023 00:36

@raspberrybeeret not sure competitive grandmas are a good thing for children. Especially if they don’t let the parents have their own traditions and parent the way they want to

Charlie2121 · 31/12/2023 00:46

Our DC’s grandparents have never met each other and I assume never will. I couldn’t care in the slightest what our DC calls them. We certainly never discussed options.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 31/12/2023 01:02

OP, I get why you're feeling a bit stressed about it all. But honestly, stuff evolves and you'll do different things with different sides of the family when your time comes. Sometimes you might get two sets of Xmas pj's, it doesn't really matter. Nor does it matter if they get two advent calendars. One granny starts doing Christmas Eve pj's? Ask the other one to do 1st dec Christmas pj's. One starts buying chocolate advent calendars, ask the other to get a lego one. Let the grandparents choose their own names. My sibling has the eldest children in my side of the family - sibling went with one name, I just asked my parents what they wanted to be called (completely different name, my sibling ignored their preference). Stuck with the established name on DH's side. If the both want to be 'granny' that's ok - I had a granny on both sides, only referred to them as granny x and granny y when they weren't around.

It all seems heightened because you're TTC and your SIL is newly pregnant. Your DM should pipe down really, and your MIL will only dominate you if you let her.

Honestly, put it out of your head, be pleased for your SIL and good luck with TTC.

SpongeBob2022 · 31/12/2023 09:00

My BIL and SIL agreed with my in laws what they were going to be called without consulting us, despite the fact I was pregnant when they did so (5 months behind). Personally I would have consulted them but I had been TTC for a long time and it didn't seem that important to be bothered.

But really I think it should be the grandparents who have the actual say in what they wish to be called and not the parents. My DS has ended up with two out of four the same (my parents originally changed what they were going to be called due to above but then in laws changed again(!) so we just went with what we had). It's completely fine to have more than one the same. I actually did growing up too. We didn't tag their names to the end either.

The issue isnt really your SIL. Your MIL and SIL are always going to agree because it's likely their current tradition from their own family. Your DH and you just need to be on the same page with your preferences and get a balance between the more relaxed parents getting the rough end of the deal versus picking your battles. An advent calendar is a battle not to pick.

Good luck with TTC!

Daisies12 · 31/12/2023 09:03

Grandparents names, seems common those will be set by first grandchildren, but grandparents usually chose these themselves in my experience? Your families both sound like an absolute nightmare. You need to tell SIL to F* right off when she next asks about you having kids. And why is it anything to do with your mum? Honestly focus on your life with DH and ignore them all

WonderingWanda · 31/12/2023 09:05

Goodness, this all sounds rather competitive.

I asked my Mum and mil what they wanted to be called, surely that's not up to anyone else?

As for traditions, we do things one way in my house and my brother does it slightly differently with his kids.

Also your sil might feel like she's won some sort of race to get pregnant but just try to remember there are 8 billion people on our planet so she isn't the first!

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 31/12/2023 09:12

I’m boggled by the people saying they refused to use the names the grandparents had already chosen to be called by older grandkids! What’s your plan when your own children insist that you will be referred to as Nana even though you hate it?

MrsDrDear · 31/12/2023 09:17

MIL may naturally end up closer to her own daughter's baby than her son's.
Daughters tend to go to their own mum for help with a newborn, spend more time there.

You will be the same with your mum. So I don't think this will matter in the scheme of things.
Both grannies will get to dote on their grandchild in their own way.

Sugarfree23 · 31/12/2023 09:29

It all sounds a bit mental.
Firstly I wish you luck TTC it can be a long road.

My experience Grandparents (and Great-grandparents) are asked what they want to be called.
If its two Grans they'll become known as Gran Surname or Gran Firstname or Big Gran & Wee Gran.

Things like who buys advent calendars & stuff just manage it. Doesn't matter if both Granny's buy an advent calendar.

Don't get bogged down in tradition and routine. See Santa with one Granny, do panto with the other.
But also you might want time just to yourselves weekend's are precious when you are both working.