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Original poster

Do the eldest grandchildren in the family set the traditions ?

111 replies

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:37

My SIL has just announced she’s pregnant- my DH (her brother) and I are TTC at the moment but no luck yet.

I find my SIL and MIL to be quite domineering & it’s very much their way or the high way. Initially when I heard she was pregnant, I thought it was a good thing as it would take the pressure off me a bit when I do (eventually)have a baby as there will already be a grandchild in the family.

however, my Mum keeps saying that my SIL will get to set all the traditions / expectations with the grandkids now (like what my PIL’s are called by the children, Xmas traditions etc), and I’ll just have to fit in around what they’ve already chosen. Have other people found this to be the case ???

My Mum & MIL very much view themselves to be the matriarchs of their families and my MIL tried to take over a bit with my wedding which put my mum’s back up so not sure if there is a bit of a power struggle going on or if the eldest grandkids do set the traditions and expectations ?? We all live within 10 mins of each other so I do see quite a bit of both sides of the family.

OP posts:
PandaChopChop · 30/12/2023 21:37

OP I'm sorry this has got to you. I can see why and it's absolutely OK to feel this way. They don't want to be known as Granny X and Y? Tough titties. What you call them in your own house out of sight is what it is.
For now try and disengage.
If its any help, I had the first DCs in my family and third lot of DCs in exDHs. My parents chose what they wanted to be called (largely based on what siblings and i called my own grandparents) and we followed suit with inlaws. We had a couple of Grandma X and Ys, Nanny X and Ys, and a few Grandad X, Y and Z, and other variations. To their face its jusy "grandma" "nanny" or grandad (more generations and splits on my side)

tdino · 30/12/2023 21:46

We have had kids fifteen years after everyone else due to infertility..

The kids have made up their own names, and totally ignored all corrections.

I'm not going to post here because so outing, but let's just say the entire family now follow the trend set and the grandparents have new non chosen names

DrMadelineMaxwell · 30/12/2023 21:48

We had a granddad and a grandpa.
And two nanas.

Which Nana?

Nana-Grandad.
or
Nana-Grandpa.

My kids just had a nana and a grandma so that was easy.
My nieces called theirs Nana 'first name' when talking about them and to them.

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YellowDots · 30/12/2023 21:53

I honestly could not stand this. The pressure and the negativity must be oppressive l

I'd move away. I wouldn't want to raise a child with this atmosphere and cloak of competitively hanging over me.

Going on about advent calendars. Confused

crumblingschools · 30/12/2023 21:55

I’d be moving!

VikingLady · 30/12/2023 21:57

They can have two advent calendars. If both grandmas give them Christmas pyjamas (?) then alternate, or take photos in both and send thank yous whilst quietly giggling with the kids about how silly grownups can be. Or wear the ones given by whichever is with you at the time.

Or just do it yourself. My kids wouldn't wear Christmas pyjamas anyway. DS won't wear clothes unless he's forced, and DD will only wear what she chose herself. So that wouldn't work.

QuillBill · 30/12/2023 22:02

My kids wouldn't wear Christmas pyjamas anyway. DS won't wear clothes unless he's forced, and DD will only wear what she chose herself. So that wouldn't work.

Yes, there is no consideration whatsoever for what the parents want or what the unborn children might what. Maybe get your mum a doll.

ShippingNews · 30/12/2023 22:06

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:54

I think grandparent names is the big one - my mum and MIL both want to be known as the same thing

That's not a problem. All my grandchildren call their 3 grandmothers the same thing - we are Grandma S, Grandma J and Grandma L. Easy.

Don't stress about it, you haven't got a baby yet and when you do, things like Grandma names will be very minor in the scheme of things.

TheCompactPussycat · 30/12/2023 22:07

It sounds like your mum is meddling here.

Besides, in my family it has always been the grandparents who decide whether they are nanny, granny, grandad, or grandpa.

My kids had two grandads. We had "Grandad" and "Grandad-Dad's-Dad" when we were talking about them when they weren't there (and partly because "Grandad-Dad's-Dad" died when they were still quite small).

Original poster
Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 22:08

i know, it’s all hypothetical at the moment anyway.

Just feel like I’m getting it from all angles (it’s not just my mum). Over xmas I was talking to my MIL about a Xmas day out I used to do with my grandparents. She said her parents did the same for my DH when he was little and she couldn’t wait to continue the tradition…then my husband said they definitely never did an Xmas day out with his grandparents so again just feels like both of the Mums are trying to mark out their territory 🙄

OP posts:
raspberrybeeret · 30/12/2023 22:08

Grandparent names can be different - the same GM can be a grandma to one GC and a Nanny to another GC - don't let your mum get you down!

110APiccadilly · 30/12/2023 22:11

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:58

@Katela18 yep I think my mum is worried that my MIL will ‘take’ the traditions like buying Xmas PJ’s or advent calendars and she won’t get a look in.

they’ve also both catagorically said they don’t want to be known as Granny X and Granny Y 🙄

You could go creative. I've known things like Short Granny and Tall Granny, or Flat Granny and House Granny.

It sounds like they're both being a bit ridiculous. Tbh I think I'd be happy your SIL is having a child first if I were you and seeing if you can persuade any siblings of yours to have a child right now too. I think it's likely to take the pressure/ attention off you.

HardcoreLadyType · 30/12/2023 22:12

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:54

I think grandparent names is the big one - my mum and MIL both want to be known as the same thing

People have suggested Granny [surname] but some people also do Granny [firstname] which is also nice.

CurlewKate · 30/12/2023 22:14

Well, presumably it's up to the grandparents what they want to be called for a start....

wombats78 · 30/12/2023 22:17

I'd move too, very far away.

LovePoppy · 30/12/2023 22:19

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:54

I think grandparent names is the big one - my mum and MIL both want to be known as the same thing

Your mother is starting trouble where none exists.

They can both use the same grandmother name!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 30/12/2023 22:19

We asked grandparents what they wanted to be called and then went with that. My DM and MIL (Nanny and Grandma) chose different names but DF and FIL both just wanted grandad. It’s not an issue. If we need to differentiate, we either say Grandad insert name or we say “Nanny and Grandad” or “Grandma and Grandad”. Both DDs know exactly who we’re referring to.

My DD1 was the first grandchild and I can’t think of any traditions we set that her cousins also go along with unless by coincidence. MIL makes a blanket and a quilt for each of them but she started that and it’s a really lovely thing to get for their nurseries.

Original poster
Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 22:20

@110APiccadilly yes that was my initial thought (especially as SIL always said she wanted to be an ‘extremely involved’ auntie so my thinking is if you’ve got your own children you will always focus more of your attention on them rather than nieces or nephews).

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 30/12/2023 22:20

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:58

@Katela18 yep I think my mum is worried that my MIL will ‘take’ the traditions like buying Xmas PJ’s or advent calendars and she won’t get a look in.

they’ve also both catagorically said they don’t want to be known as Granny X and Granny Y 🙄

I do both those things for my children. It’s up to you to decide what traditions you allow or not.

TheFairyCaravan · 30/12/2023 22:21

We’ve just become grandparents for the first time, on Boxing Day. DGS is the first grandchild on both sides and both me and DDIL’s mum wanted to be nanny but I didn’t want him to be confused so I said I’d be granny and DH is grandpa. Her mum and dad are nanny and grandad.

I’ve not thought about advent calendars, Christmas pyjamas or anything like that tbh because surely that’s the parents thing not for the grandparents?

Original poster
Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 22:21

@BeingATwatItsABingThing ahh thats lovely re the blanket / quilt). I think it’s more traditions in the sense of going to this grotto / that pantomime that they are both being touchy about

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 30/12/2023 22:24

just feels like both of the Mums are trying to mark out their territory

This is really sad. Why can’t they both just be excited for and embrace the idea of grandparenting the same child?!

My DM and MIL get on brilliantly and I think that’s largely because there is no competition between them. DM is my childcare so my DDs spend more time with her but MIL makes up for that when she sees them by taking them on lots of trips or organising fun activities. My DM makes their birthday cakes because that’s her skill whereas MIL is a fantastic sewer and knitter and makes them lovely cardigans and quilts. They talk to each other all the time and even meet up as couples without us there.

RubiesAndRaindrops · 30/12/2023 22:25

Grandparent names were "set" by the first grandchildren in our family, but everything else, no. We made our own "traditions". I had no strong feelings on what GP's were called and would let them choose what they wanted to be called so for me I just went with the flow.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 30/12/2023 22:26

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 22:21

@BeingATwatItsABingThing ahh thats lovely re the blanket / quilt). I think it’s more traditions in the sense of going to this grotto / that pantomime that they are both being touchy about

Why does this have to be set in stone?

My DM often organises a panto for my DDs but MIL has done as well. They just see two and enjoy both. I buy their Christmas pjs bht MIL and DM have too. They just have multiple pairs that year. It doesn’t have to be competitive.

crumblingschools · 30/12/2023 22:29

Just tell your DM you are going to be doing things like advent calendars etc so there won’t be any competition with MIL

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