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Original poster

Do the eldest grandchildren in the family set the traditions ?

111 replies

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:37

My SIL has just announced she’s pregnant- my DH (her brother) and I are TTC at the moment but no luck yet.

I find my SIL and MIL to be quite domineering & it’s very much their way or the high way. Initially when I heard she was pregnant, I thought it was a good thing as it would take the pressure off me a bit when I do (eventually)have a baby as there will already be a grandchild in the family.

however, my Mum keeps saying that my SIL will get to set all the traditions / expectations with the grandkids now (like what my PIL’s are called by the children, Xmas traditions etc), and I’ll just have to fit in around what they’ve already chosen. Have other people found this to be the case ???

My Mum & MIL very much view themselves to be the matriarchs of their families and my MIL tried to take over a bit with my wedding which put my mum’s back up so not sure if there is a bit of a power struggle going on or if the eldest grandkids do set the traditions and expectations ?? We all live within 10 mins of each other so I do see quite a bit of both sides of the family.

OP posts:
Blaggingit123 · 30/12/2023 21:01

The grandparent normally decides what they are named in my experience so doesn’t matter who has a dc first? Though the dc may go on to change it (eldest grandchild did in my family - but then another grandchild gave a nickname to the same person which stuck - however this all took around 6 years…). Quite normal to both have same name - as these things are usually regional and there are only a handful of usual names.

Things like Christmas traditions evolve over many years and won’t be set in stone from first grandchild - I struggle to think of anything we do now that we did on dcs first Xmas let alone with the grandparents that we haven’t always done anyway!

Itslegitimatesalvage · 30/12/2023 21:01

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:54

I think grandparent names is the big one - my mum and MIL both want to be known as the same thing

So? I called both my grans, “Gran.” What’s the problem?
It really does sound like your mum is meddling here. Them having a baby is a joyous time. When you have a baby, it will be a joyous time. Why are you thinking anything other than that?

You set your own traditions, do things your way and just a breezy, “oh, well we are going to do this but that’s not a problem,” when something does come up. Don’t go into it already planning to compete or already ready for a fight. It doesn’t matter what your niece/nephew calls your MiL, it won’t affect your mum. It doesn’t matter what they plan for Xmas for birthdays because you’ll plan your own things or alternate or do whatever suits.

Really, you need to grow up and so does your mum.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 30/12/2023 21:01

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:54

I think grandparent names is the big one - my mum and MIL both want to be known as the same thing

I don’t think this is an issue? We let the grandparents’ choose what they were called, (seemed reasonable it’s their name. It wouldn’t feel right for me to dictate what another adult was called). My chidren have 2 grans. To identify them when they’re not around we say ‘gran surname’ (or occasionally ‘yellow gran’, as mil had a yellow front door that my eldest loved). Once we're in their company it just goes back to gran, it’s never been a problem.

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Katela18 · 30/12/2023 21:02

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:58

@Katela18 yep I think my mum is worried that my MIL will ‘take’ the traditions like buying Xmas PJ’s or advent calendars and she won’t get a look in.

they’ve also both catagorically said they don’t want to be known as Granny X and Granny Y 🙄

Does seem a little bit like it's a power struggle between the two grandmothers?! Which is obviously awkward for you!

In honesty I'd probably not worry about it, it is a bit childish tbh!

Unfortunately your mil doesn't get to tell your mum she can't be granny, and the same vice Versa so in the nicest possible way they will need to get over themselves! Even if your mil does start some of her own traditions doesn't mean to say your mum can't then do the same when her time comes!

SaffronSpice · 30/12/2023 21:02

My SIL set traditions with her children that clashed with what we wanted to do for ours. This basically meant that we never had Christmas Day at my in-laws. So in many ways a win, win.😉

(my SIL always spent Christmas at my ILs and gave her kids huge sacks of present from ‘Santa’ as well as stockings. We only have stockings from Santa and fewer presents overall so wouldn’t have been fair to have ours with no sack and fewer presents. We never suggested shouldn’t do it her way. In any case we could never have fit that number of presents in the car - it took her several trips).

ToothFairy2023 · 30/12/2023 21:05

I think you just try and relax and ignore this comment and just do you. My mum wanted to be called nanna (as her mum was known) and MIL was most insistent on being known as nan. Our DC just called them both nanna and as they got older (they take a lead from and will follow you) when referring to either they referred to them as your mum or dads mum or nanna from X place and nanna from Y place etc.

Dorriethelittlewitch · 30/12/2023 21:05

they’ve also both catagorically said they don’t want to be known as Granny X and Granny Y

Tough?

My kids are my inlaws youngest grandchildren. All the rest of the cousins use "Nana" for my mil. She's "Granny first name" to mine. I point blank refused "Nana" because I dislike it. My mother is also "Granny first name". When the children are talking directly to them, it's just "Granny" most of the time unless they're both in the same space.

Nothing wrong with multiple advent calendars or Christmas pyjamas either.

Original poster
Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 21:06

Yes there is 100% a power struggle between my Mum and MiL - it’s nice they both care but does make it tricky sometimes!

as PP have said, I’m not even pregnant yet so I need to keep shutting my mum down when she starts on this topic. It didn’t help that my MIL was really gloating to my mum about it but they’re both as bad as each other!

OP posts:
CatamaranViper · 30/12/2023 21:07

I had really hoped to have a nana and a grandma for DS but both of our mothers wanted to be grandma, which is absolutely fine. They are both just grandma and when we're talking at home about them, it's grandma from X and grandma from Y or "my mum" and "daddy's mum". Same with the grandad's.

Traditions have adapted over time and I wouldn't let anyone claim something like advent calendars or Xmas pjs... I just bought them myself. MIL wanted to do advent calendars as well so she kept hers at her house (DS is there once a week) and he opened a week's worth at a time.

Obviously DH and I had experienced each other's traditions before and incorporated what we liked plus made our own. Grandparents didn't get a say in this.

halfmice · 30/12/2023 21:08

I wouldn’t say they do

Best of luck OP hope you get your BFP soon. You hopefully won’t be far behind her and then the two cousins can grow up together.

Jsndidndnnd · 30/12/2023 21:10

If both grandmothers want to be called the same thing, then you just call them the same thing! And then when the grandparent you are talking about isn’t there you just add an additional name so you know which grandparent they are talking about. Eg my son calls both his grandfathers ‘Grandad’ when he talks to them, but when one or other of the grandfathers isn’t there we refer to them as ‘Grandad John’ and ‘Grandad David’. It happened completely unplanned in our family and it never causes any issues.

EffortlessDelegation · 30/12/2023 21:10

Yes, you just need to say please don't buy PJs as we're getting those.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 30/12/2023 21:11

FFS.

Let them duke it out. What a non-event 🙄

ohtowinthelottery · 30/12/2023 21:12

BILs 2 DCs are both older than my DCs. They called PIL Granny and Pops. My DCs called them Granny and Grandpa. There was no hierarchy or falling out over it. Each family chose their own names and the Grandparents were fine with the different names.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/12/2023 21:14

If they want to be called the same thing they’ll simply have to accept that when you talk about them they’ll be Granny X and Granny Y

MamaDollyorJesus · 30/12/2023 21:16

Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 20:54

I think grandparent names is the big one - my mum and MIL both want to be known as the same thing

This is an absolute non-issue.

My DC have 3 grandmothers & they are all gran surname.

They had 2 grandfathers that were called Di (a local dialect name for grandfather) surname & a grandad.

No one was confused.

VampireWeekday · 30/12/2023 21:17

Tough to your DM and MIL not wanting to be "granny X". Children decide for themselves eventually. We did go with the name that cousins already used for MIL - but the twist is that the cousins used that name because that's what MIL prefered. I don't see why your mum should get "dibs" on the name. My own mum didn't want to be "nanny Y" so went with "nana" but my DC couldn't remember to say it differently and said nanny anyway, so they're nanny Y when we're talking in general and nanny when talking to her. It's fine.

This really isn't about your traditions, it's about your DM not wanting your MIL being in grandparent mode already. It's just daft. When you have a baby they will be a whole wonderful person, enough for two grandmas to love. Traditions like matching PJs shouldn't be for the grandparents to impose, it's up to you whether you do it or not, and you don't have to do eveything with the cousins, you can just say "actually we already are doing that so we'll sit the carols / light show / pantomine out ".

merryandbrightdelight · 30/12/2023 21:20

My mum and my MIL both decided what they wanted to be called by their dgc and that's who they are now known as

BalletBob · 30/12/2023 21:21

They both sound utterly ridiculous.

You really don't need to worry about any of this until there's actually a baby for them to argue over. But at that point, your best bet is to just disengage from the dramatics.

They don't want to be called Granny X and Granny Y? Tough tits. It's not up to them what you call them when they aren't there. Just call them "Granny" to their face, and Granny X/Y to differentiate between them when they're not there.

As for traditions, they don't get to dictate those. They've raised their families and had their turn. You control the traditions for your kids. It's lovely for grandparents to treat their grandkids, but when it is about competing with another adult for "No 1 Grandmother" it's not about the kids at all. As soon as there's a whiff of that, just tell them both that you're going to sort the PJs, advent calendar, whatever it is. Or do nothing and just let your kids have two of things.

Original poster
Powerstruggle01 · 30/12/2023 21:22

BTW I do agree with everyone saying that this is a completely ridiculous thing to be worrying about but I’ve had years of my Mum and MIL going on about all the things they want to do with their grandkids etc and as we all live in the same town they both want to do the same things !! Then with my SIL being all competitive about it to, it’s just got to me a bit tonight

OP posts:
Floatinginatincan · 30/12/2023 21:24

Your mum needs to stop stirring the pot & making you worry about a child you don't even have yet. You make your own traditions & your future kids will do different things with different grandparents. It's not a competition.

MamaDollyorJesus · 30/12/2023 21:26

Yeah they need to just get over themselves!

DD1 was the 10th grandchild for my mum & stepdad, the 4th for my dad & stepmum & the first for my in-laws - they were all at different stages of grandparent mode but any drama like that would've been shut down instantly.

Tourmalines · 30/12/2023 21:29

Your mum needs to stop stressing you out about even having a baby ,if she’s been doing that for years! What if you had decided you didn’t want children? She’s too meddling .

gingercat02 · 30/12/2023 21:30

MrsALambert · 30/12/2023 20:54

That can still work. Both my grannies were known as granny surname

My nephews had 2 granny's. Granny's and other granny

SmallestInTheClass · 30/12/2023 21:35

We have two grandmas and two grandpas. They are never referred to as Grandma X or Y. They just know by the context or we say Daddy's parents or Mummy's parents if we need to clarify. Be prepared for much more gritting of teeth if and when you have kids. There are many, many things you will disagree with your family about!

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