Will we loose everything

[somethinghasgottogive]

DH had a one night stand 12 years ago and had twin boys who are now 11.

The woman has never had a job even before having the boys (this is relevant)

DH works different shifts so he has his boys on different days throughout the month however they sleepover 13 nights a month. 11 nights with both the boys and 1 night a month each he has just one of the boys for 1-1 time especially as twins seem to get lumbared with being classed as the same person.

Despite this he has always paid £800 a month when he only has the boys for 2 days less than their mother.

I met my DH when the boys were almost 1 so I have been around a while. Once their mother found out about me (after a year of dating and DH wanting me to meet the boys) she started being difficult and not answering the door when DH would go to the house to pick the boys up, or not sending them to the childminders on the days my DH was due to pick them up from there after his shift. DH applied for mediation and the original contact schedule was resumed as court was suggested if she didn’t comply.

Anyway when the boys were 3 she announced that she had met someone and was moving to london and there was nothing that could be done about it. London is 3 hours a way from where we all lived and where are families are.

Me and DH had no choice but to sell our home with 4 bedrooms and a garden to move to london in a 3 bed flat which we both hate and the contact reminded the same as did the payments.

We have since had a child together and asked to reduce the money that he pays as with maternity pay and another child it’s not sustainable. She told us that the boys won’t be available then as she needs the money to pay her mortgage with her boyfriend (this is another man not the one she moved there for). In order to survive we have taken loans and credit cards. We are now having another baby and have again asked can the money be adjusted. She has said the same thing and keeps saying ‘ your choice to have a baby, you shouldn’t have children if your not capable of paying for them’. This really upsets me as she has never worked yet me and DH work and always have done. The main reasons me and DH need the money to change is because we are in debt, haven’t paid into our pensions for years because of it, our mortgage has almost doubled as our fixed rate ended, food doubled, insurance doubled and with another maternity leave coming we actually can’t survive. We will be left with £180 a month for food, clubs, days out, toiletries for our household with 2 children and the two boys. (we don’t pay for childcare as between me and my DH shifts and my flexible working option we wangle it well)

She has laughed and said there’s nothing we can do she will take pictures of the boys outside the house and say they were waiting for their dad to get them and he didn’t show up so he needs to pay.

What the hell do we do? Surely if she needs the money that’s paid to her then she must know we are desperate here. It is not time that she get a job she has had a free ride long enough and my DH pay maintenance for the 2 days a month he had the boys less?

Please any advice, we can't afford court not that it would matter anyway

I think I’d be arranging a DNA test first…
Asking twins if they’d like to live with us full time. Then moving back to home town with family support.
She sounds a horrible person.

No, it isn’t. It’s as likely as having twins any other time you have sex and it only takes once. The OP says the kids look like him!

I don't think separated people should go onto have any more children at all personally as it all ends up very messy, stepfamily situations are very rarely a positive experience for kids. And I am a separated parent myself.

@Beezknees it was a one night stand at 23, are you honestly saying that a responsible father steps up and isn’t allowed to move on?

It's not about what the adults want, it's about what's best for the children.

@Beezknees if you have read the full thread you will see the op and her DH have done what is best for the children.

I have read the full thread. I stand by what I said. Not saying I agree with the ex's actions either.

I’d immediately be going for 50:50 legal custody, not that much different from now from the OP so won’t be a massive upheaval for the DC, and mother can work to pay for her 50% responsibility. No maintenance will need to paid either side then! Should have been done long before tbh.

The twins must be at secondary school by now so absolutely no excuse for Mum not to work to provide her share for them, and she has plenty of time to work on the days DC with their Dad and at school!

If she tries to say DC are not his, the court can order a DNA test. No need for the Dad to upset the applecart by suggesting it first.

TBH OP I wouldn’t have given the mother a heads up in view of her previous behaviour. I’d just submit the 50:50 custody request. Very unlikely to be turned down as that’s basically what it is already and not really complex so definitely self represent.

DC are old enough to give their views so you just need to explain that you’re asking a court to formally give their Dad shared custody with their Mum and things will basically be as they were before but formalised.

@Beezknees a one nightstand is not in anyway comparable to a failed relationship.

They were never in a relationship so there was no separation.

Calling the twins mum an ex is conferring a status on her that is not correct.

Wow, glad you’re not the child birth police !!

I agree with Beezkneez. This man already had the heavy responsibility of two offspring and now has gone on to complicate matters with another "family." It doesn't bode well for the kids.

Producing another human being, let alone multiple offspring, is the most monumental decision we can make, with ramifications for society, the planet, other species for perhaps the next 75-100 years. Yet some people put more thought into their next takeaway order than they do procreation! Mating willy-nilly with whoever or whatever comes along. And somehow we the taxpayer often end up footing the bill for their poor planning.

Come on.

The point is that for better or worse he already has two offspring. Two to a customer is plenty in 2023 on a burning planet experiencing rapid climate change. Not to mention the financial, mental, emotional and logistical load of properly rearing the children, who were off to a disadvantaged start from Day One.

@LaurieStrode wow, as a previous poster said you are not the child birth police.

No one said we were the childbirth police. Just stating an opinion, one that people don't like to hear.

Even more reason to give the children as much stability as possible. The parents chose to have unprotected sex when not in a relationship. Sometimes you have to deal with the consequences of bad choices.

@Beezknees so what is your view on triplets or second pregnancy being twins or failed contraception?

Not sure what twins or triplets has to do with it.

Regarding contraception - when used properly, the odds of it failing are incredibly tiny so I find it hard to believe that there are loads of pregnancies occurring due to failed contraception. I've used it properly for the past 15 years and never been pregnant in that time.

Not impossible. But far from common. Most people who get pregnant as a result of "failed" contraception aren't using it properly. In this day and age, preventing pregnancy is easy if you really want to.

Nobody has to live by "my" rules. But a lot of people don't want to accept that stepfamily situations are usually not in the best interests of the children and it's all about what the adults want.