Will we loose everything

[somethinghasgottogive]

DH had a one night stand 12 years ago and had twin boys who are now 11.

The woman has never had a job even before having the boys (this is relevant)

DH works different shifts so he has his boys on different days throughout the month however they sleepover 13 nights a month. 11 nights with both the boys and 1 night a month each he has just one of the boys for 1-1 time especially as twins seem to get lumbared with being classed as the same person.

Despite this he has always paid £800 a month when he only has the boys for 2 days less than their mother.

I met my DH when the boys were almost 1 so I have been around a while. Once their mother found out about me (after a year of dating and DH wanting me to meet the boys) she started being difficult and not answering the door when DH would go to the house to pick the boys up, or not sending them to the childminders on the days my DH was due to pick them up from there after his shift. DH applied for mediation and the original contact schedule was resumed as court was suggested if she didn’t comply.

Anyway when the boys were 3 she announced that she had met someone and was moving to london and there was nothing that could be done about it. London is 3 hours a way from where we all lived and where are families are.

Me and DH had no choice but to sell our home with 4 bedrooms and a garden to move to london in a 3 bed flat which we both hate and the contact reminded the same as did the payments.

We have since had a child together and asked to reduce the money that he pays as with maternity pay and another child it’s not sustainable. She told us that the boys won’t be available then as she needs the money to pay her mortgage with her boyfriend (this is another man not the one she moved there for). In order to survive we have taken loans and credit cards. We are now having another baby and have again asked can the money be adjusted. She has said the same thing and keeps saying ‘ your choice to have a baby, you shouldn’t have children if your not capable of paying for them’. This really upsets me as she has never worked yet me and DH work and always have done. The main reasons me and DH need the money to change is because we are in debt, haven’t paid into our pensions for years because of it, our mortgage has almost doubled as our fixed rate ended, food doubled, insurance doubled and with another maternity leave coming we actually can’t survive. We will be left with £180 a month for food, clubs, days out, toiletries for our household with 2 children and the two boys. (we don’t pay for childcare as between me and my DH shifts and my flexible working option we wangle it well)

She has laughed and said there’s nothing we can do she will take pictures of the boys outside the house and say they were waiting for their dad to get them and he didn’t show up so he needs to pay.

What the hell do we do? Surely if she needs the money that’s paid to her then she must know we are desperate here. It is not time that she get a job she has had a free ride long enough and my DH pay maintenance for the 2 days a month he had the boys less?

Please any advice, we can't afford court not that it would matter anyway

You can't do anything.

You can't tell her what to do.

Only your DH can sort this by going through CMS and legal channels.

Which it sounds like he won't do.

So basically, you're stuffed until he comes to his senses.

Like I said, this is a DH problem.

@Toooldtoworry sorry, didn't realise that only opinions you agree with are allowed on Mumsnet 🙄

I’m sorry, I know it’s completely not the point but it’s losing, not loosing.
Your shoelace gets loose.
You lose everything.

I just can’t read loose again.

Seriously though, you’ve asked for advice and, I think, reassurance that you guys wouldn’t be assholes for this and you’ve had that. I think almost every poster is on your side. Cancel the ridiculously high £800 and start paying the £150. Agree to continue splitting any big ticket costs or clubs or uniforms 50/50. In January, you can start the process of getting a child arrangement order which is actually really quite simple in cases like this. There is no way she can argue against it, she wouldn’t win, the kids are old enough for a court to listen to them if it comes to it. You will be fine, he won’t lose the kids and you will actually have enough money to raise the 4 of them.

He isn’t short changing his first 2 kids or making them lesser by doing this. He is just making it possible for you to give them a good quality of life with you. She can get a job. Having kids does not entitle her to live off him forever. He will contribute fairly to the kids but she needs to get a job to fund her half of everything and fund herself.

She’ll go apeshit, you’ll get a lost of abuse from her, she may try to twist the kids away from you but you just keep being honest with them (it’s fine to tell them the truth) and stay factual with her, no emotion and don’t rise to whatever she throws at you. She is wrong here; not you two.

I apologise. I didn't mean it the way it sounded. It's probably a bit close to my own situation to be objective.

Place your bets now ladies.

Maintenance is reduced to an affordable level and papers are served for a contact order.

Evens at that point she stops contact and says they are not his kids.

Good luck OP, you and DH sound lovely and I hope you get to make a happy life for your boys.

She sounds vile. Horribly vile and shouldn't get away with this.
However, completely separate to all that, why are you having more children when you're already struggling so much financially? That's not a sensible idea, surely?

Agree.

I truly believe that no one should have more than one co-bioparent. You get one shot. No one needs to be having multiple "litters" with different people, on a burning planet in 2023, teeming with 8 billion humans.

I think it is a mistake to give her any sort of heads up here. You will give her far too much ammunition. She is not going to agree and she will stop contact. By contacting the CMS and making an immediate application for a child arrangements order, you are two steps ahead. Please listen to all of us who have been there!

*Admirable 😆 Admiral is a butterfly! 😆

@LaurieStrode Well said 👏🏻👏🏻

She isn't a bitter ex. She is the current wife of a man with a psycho ex. Hope that helps.

I apologise my autocorrect changed my spelling without me noticing. I'm not switched onto work mode until 2nd January. Have a nice New Year.

I wouldn't use the word "litters" but I agree with the sentiment. The whole thing sounds chaotic enough.

Hi op, the boys are with you 50/50 give or take. Would it be a possibility for you to move to a cheaper area to a bigger house and have the boys live with you full time and see their mum a bit less. It sounds like it’s what you all want and would certainly resolve the housing and financial issues for all of you as ex will have to then pay cm. the boys are at the age now where they can pretty much do what they want and have a voice in this. It sounds like it’s time and an opportunity for a new arrangement for everyone.

OP has now said he hasn't had one.
Perhaps he should.
His ons sounds awful - do you trust her though it's lovely that you and your dh are so invested in their lives.
And i truly believe "love is thicker than blood".

Oh !!!!
Best not to now then.
Imagine if they weren't his.

In all honestly me and DH have sacrificed enough of our money and left our families and work hard surely we are entitled to have 2 biological children ourselves. The twins adore their sibling but being twins they have a bond that will always mean our shared DH Will always unintentionally be on the ‘outs’. Without paying the £800 plus the money we do have that’s essentially £1000 a month for food and leisure for the 4 children (the debt we are in is being paid back) it’s only because of another maternity leave coming which will be - massive pay cut for us and not being able to work full time for a few years until the free hours kick in. Once the free hours kick in, I’m back to working full time then we will have much more disposable income than £1000 so can afford all of the kids.

Many people struggle in the early years due to it being difficult to work full time.

As for those lovely posters suggesting why would me and DH have our own children makes me sad to think that DH shouldn’t be ‘allowed’ to have children with me and all live together and have a ‘traditional’ family life where he sees his children everyday and I am not entitled then to have any biological children of my own just because a woman 12 years ago had a one night stand with my future husband. Luckily for her he didn’t just disappear and be a dead beat dad and referring to children as ‘litters’ is so low so I’m really not too worried about your opinions

@somethinghasgottogive

Honestly OP, ignore them. There are always bitter people who will drag your decisions down but really, you and your husband are not in the wrong here. You guys are doing nothing wrong. You absolutely should reduce the payments to the £150 and get on with building your life together with all 4 kids. Really, their mum simply needs to support herself and her half of the kids. You’re doing nothing wrong.

@somethinghasgottogive some people have very different views. Of course you should be able to have children together if you want them.

I wish you all the best 💐

let us know how it went

Can you apply for 50/50 custody?

Please just stop paying. She is taking you for a ride

Is your dh sure they are his dc? Twins from a one-night stand is unlucky...