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Original poster

Will we loose everything

261 replies

somethinghasgottogive · 30/12/2023 20:20

DH had a one night stand 12 years ago and had twin boys who are now 11.

The woman has never had a job even before having the boys (this is relevant)

DH works different shifts so he has his boys on different days throughout the month however they sleepover 13 nights a month. 11 nights with both the boys and 1 night a month each he has just one of the boys for 1-1 time especially as twins seem to get lumbared with being classed as the same person.

Despite this he has always paid £800 a month when he only has the boys for 2 days less than their mother.

I met my DH when the boys were almost 1 so I have been around a while. Once their mother found out about me (after a year of dating and DH wanting me to meet the boys) she started being difficult and not answering the door when DH would go to the house to pick the boys up, or not sending them to the childminders on the days my DH was due to pick them up from there after his shift. DH applied for mediation and the original contact schedule was resumed as court was suggested if she didn’t comply.

Anyway when the boys were 3 she announced that she had met someone and was moving to london and there was nothing that could be done about it. London is 3 hours a way from where we all lived and where are families are.

Me and DH had no choice but to sell our home with 4 bedrooms and a garden to move to london in a 3 bed flat which we both hate and the contact reminded the same as did the payments.

We have since had a child together and asked to reduce the money that he pays as with maternity pay and another child it’s not sustainable. She told us that the boys won’t be available then as she needs the money to pay her mortgage with her boyfriend (this is another man not the one she moved there for). In order to survive we have taken loans and credit cards. We are now having another baby and have again asked can the money be adjusted. She has said the same thing and keeps saying ‘ your choice to have a baby, you shouldn’t have children if your not capable of paying for them’. This really upsets me as she has never worked yet me and DH work and always have done. The main reasons me and DH need the money to change is because we are in debt, haven’t paid into our pensions for years because of it, our mortgage has almost doubled as our fixed rate ended, food doubled, insurance doubled and with another maternity leave coming we actually can’t survive. We will be left with £180 a month for food, clubs, days out, toiletries for our household with 2 children and the two boys. (we don’t pay for childcare as between me and my DH shifts and my flexible working option we wangle it well)

She has laughed and said there’s nothing we can do she will take pictures of the boys outside the house and say they were waiting for their dad to get them and he didn’t show up so he needs to pay.

What the hell do we do? Surely if she needs the money that’s paid to her then she must know we are desperate here. It is not time that she get a job she has had a free ride long enough and my DH pay maintenance for the 2 days a month he had the boys less?

Please any advice, we can't afford court not that it would matter anyway

OP posts:
tealweasel · 30/12/2023 20:51

As others have said, get a CMS calculation to figure out what he’s legally obliged to pay. I’d bet money it’s less than he’s actually paying under the circumstances. Then it’s time for a conversation with mum. If she tries to deny contact, he will need to go through the courts.

Strawberryjams · 30/12/2023 20:52

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This cannot be real. So anyone who has a one night stand or short relationship is never allowed to be happy and move on? That’s ridiculous, she was more than happy to move to London for another man, now on to yet another. He’s in a stable relationship now with a family, is he not entitled to that because he has children with someone else? Sounds to me like he’s done pretty decent by them, much more than many men do. I have 2 friends with shitty fathers to their children one never receives a penny but plenty of abuse and the other has received a few payments which get withheld if she so much as goes on a works night out.

Forgotmylogindetails · 30/12/2023 20:52

@Namchanged

im sorry your a bitter ex.

Interested in this thread?

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Families Relationship problems
369damnshesfine · 30/12/2023 20:53

Your DH needs to send her the calculation for what he’s supposed to pay and then suggest meeting in the middle.

If she’s refusing to do that then she can go through CMS and it will be deducted automatically from him and given to her.
They also take a small percentage too.

Namchanged · 30/12/2023 20:53

Forgotmylogindetails · 30/12/2023 20:52

@Namchanged

im sorry your a bitter ex.

I think the man should pay for atleast half of the cost of raising their children or the full if the mother can’t work

Original poster
somethinghasgottogive · 30/12/2023 20:53

Whattodo112222 · 30/12/2023 20:46

For goodness sake, cms and court is the only way. However, I will say the boys are of an age their wishes and feelings will be listened to so be careful that doesn't backfire on your DH.

Good point. It's likely if they were given a choice they would want to live with DH and myself. We all get along really week and they idolise their dad.

OP posts:
AnnieMare · 30/12/2023 20:54

Strawberryjams · 30/12/2023 20:48

Omg I just did that calculated and I’m entitled to only £164 odd a month should DH and I ever were to split. Unless he’s making an absolute fortune he’s been well overpaying!
Even if you need to stick the cost on a credit card to get legal support you would be so much better off in the long run. She behaving appallingly and the children are not a weapon.

Yep! The money I was awarded by CM didn't pay enough to cover school dinners.

My ex was able to ‘claim’ more for raising a child who was his partners, than he had to pay towards his own. Bonkers as the partners child had two full time working parents too and 50/50 in each home.

I worked though. Damned hard, to bring up my DC’s. Earning fave me independence and broke the abusive ‘ask me for more money if you need it’ - when he refused to have maintance index linked.

itsmylife7 · 30/12/2023 20:54

Did he have a DNA test done on the children ?

Catsknowbest · 30/12/2023 20:54

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 30/12/2023 20:25

This seems quite a simple one. There is a child maintenance calculation and if you have the kids 50:50 it's basically nothing.

He's been overpaying for years, I always think you should pay as much as you can so he's demonstrated he's a good dad. Now it's time to tell the ex that she's legally entitled to much less and will need to accept what he proposes.

Check out the cms website.

This and ASAP. She has had a good run and it's more than time it stopped.

369damnshesfine · 30/12/2023 20:55

Namchanged · 30/12/2023 20:33

She’s right you shouldn’t be having more kids if he can’t pay for the ones he had originally they were there first

I absolutely do not think it’s fair that their dad wants to give them less, just because he’s had a new baby.

But she could work herself and if she cannot work she’ll receive disability benefits.

It does seem very unfair but it also sounds like she’s been difficult with contact etc.
She also moved them and didn’t care that it would make contact difficult for their dad.

sunshinerobots · 30/12/2023 20:56

Take this to court, private law, it's the only way to resolve and get fair access and payments

Forgotmylogindetails · 30/12/2023 20:57

@Namchanged yes all men should pay for everything for the children because the mother won’t work 🙄 go away Hun

Original poster
somethinghasgottogive · 30/12/2023 20:58

Strawberryjams · 30/12/2023 20:48

Omg I just did that calculated and I’m entitled to only £164 odd a month should DH and I ever were to split. Unless he’s making an absolute fortune he’s been well overpaying!
Even if you need to stick the cost on a credit card to get legal support you would be so much better off in the long run. She behaving appallingly and the children are not a weapon.

I just calculated and was shocked at the payment he's supposed to pay seems very low but then again their mother only had the boys 24 days a year more and bare in mind that's not including all the extra nights they come over and say they are staying especially in the holidays or the weekends away we have been on or the week long holidays those nights I haven't calculated in

OP posts:
mamacorn1 · 30/12/2023 20:59

Please go to court and get contact order, then go to CMS and get them involved with a payment schedule. She won’t get half of the amount your paying her!
stop letting her be the boss for gods sake - and get a dna test!

Gillypie23 · 30/12/2023 20:59

She can't pay for the twins she has!

Toooldtoworry · 30/12/2023 20:59

Namchanged · 30/12/2023 20:33

She’s right you shouldn’t be having more kids if he can’t pay for the ones he had originally they were there first

Both parents are financially responsible for their children. Maybe Mum should get a job and stop being a lazy entitled woman.

Toooldtoworry · 30/12/2023 21:01

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They have them almost 50/50 - honestly most people are able to work.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/12/2023 21:01

I’d offer her a deal of a little bit more than the calculator see if she accepts- otherwise legal advice

Toooldtoworry · 30/12/2023 21:02

somethinghasgottogive · 30/12/2023 20:50

I've done the calculator 139.34 per month the calculator said. That is affordable.

Show quote history

Screenshot it so that you can evidence why you're making the changes.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 30/12/2023 21:02

If he can prove he's overpaid previously you might be able to get no further payments until that value is reached, in time.

She's one cheeky cunt and I wouldn't be paying her another fucking penny that I didn't have to.

Those children are plenty old enough that she could have gone back to work years ago.

Original poster
somethinghasgottogive · 30/12/2023 21:02

@369damnshesfine

He doesn't want to pay less because he's had a new baby. Read the thread please 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
Catsknowbest · 30/12/2023 21:02

I genuinely can't believe people are criticising a father who has been paying well, well over the set amount for years, and moved to maintain contact. Or saying the twins would "suffer" because he's having more children. It's obvious he takes his responsibilities seriously. It's obvious he's been massively overpaying and his ex knows it. How likely is it she's put any of that away? Has she declared it all if she's claiming benefits? Has she included it in any joint benefit claim with the latest partner? People slate feckless and non paying fathers. Here's one who is not and he's getting totally trashed. What a disgrace.

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/12/2023 21:06

He could have got a prohibited steps order to stop her moving so far away but I guess you couldn't have known that without legal advice.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 30/12/2023 21:06

Just go through CMS. He can open the case himself, it doesn’t have to be her. They will write to her with the payment schedule. It’s simple. Then take her to court for access if she starts playing silly buggers. You don’t need a solicitor and the court will take a very dim view of her withholding the kids be wiser he is now paying the legally required amount.

Honestly, the two of you need to grow a spine. He is pulling his weight but having them 50% of the time. She needs to get a job.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 30/12/2023 21:07

Catsknowbest · 30/12/2023 21:02

I genuinely can't believe people are criticising a father who has been paying well, well over the set amount for years, and moved to maintain contact. Or saying the twins would "suffer" because he's having more children. It's obvious he takes his responsibilities seriously. It's obvious he's been massively overpaying and his ex knows it. How likely is it she's put any of that away? Has she declared it all if she's claiming benefits? Has she included it in any joint benefit claim with the latest partner? People slate feckless and non paying fathers. Here's one who is not and he's getting totally trashed. What a disgrace.

You don’t need to declare maintenance