Will we loose everything

[somethinghasgottogive]

DH had a one night stand 12 years ago and had twin boys who are now 11.

The woman has never had a job even before having the boys (this is relevant)

DH works different shifts so he has his boys on different days throughout the month however they sleepover 13 nights a month. 11 nights with both the boys and 1 night a month each he has just one of the boys for 1-1 time especially as twins seem to get lumbared with being classed as the same person.

Despite this he has always paid £800 a month when he only has the boys for 2 days less than their mother.

I met my DH when the boys were almost 1 so I have been around a while. Once their mother found out about me (after a year of dating and DH wanting me to meet the boys) she started being difficult and not answering the door when DH would go to the house to pick the boys up, or not sending them to the childminders on the days my DH was due to pick them up from there after his shift. DH applied for mediation and the original contact schedule was resumed as court was suggested if she didn’t comply.

Anyway when the boys were 3 she announced that she had met someone and was moving to london and there was nothing that could be done about it. London is 3 hours a way from where we all lived and where are families are.

Me and DH had no choice but to sell our home with 4 bedrooms and a garden to move to london in a 3 bed flat which we both hate and the contact reminded the same as did the payments.

We have since had a child together and asked to reduce the money that he pays as with maternity pay and another child it’s not sustainable. She told us that the boys won’t be available then as she needs the money to pay her mortgage with her boyfriend (this is another man not the one she moved there for). In order to survive we have taken loans and credit cards. We are now having another baby and have again asked can the money be adjusted. She has said the same thing and keeps saying ‘ your choice to have a baby, you shouldn’t have children if your not capable of paying for them’. This really upsets me as she has never worked yet me and DH work and always have done. The main reasons me and DH need the money to change is because we are in debt, haven’t paid into our pensions for years because of it, our mortgage has almost doubled as our fixed rate ended, food doubled, insurance doubled and with another maternity leave coming we actually can’t survive. We will be left with £180 a month for food, clubs, days out, toiletries for our household with 2 children and the two boys. (we don’t pay for childcare as between me and my DH shifts and my flexible working option we wangle it well)

She has laughed and said there’s nothing we can do she will take pictures of the boys outside the house and say they were waiting for their dad to get them and he didn’t show up so he needs to pay.

What the hell do we do? Surely if she needs the money that’s paid to her then she must know we are desperate here. It is not time that she get a job she has had a free ride long enough and my DH pay maintenance for the 2 days a month he had the boys less?

Please any advice, we can't afford court not that it would matter anyway

You take her to court and get legal visitation and you go through CMS.
I do think it was weird to choose to have another baby while struggling already and living somewhere you hate though. It's done now so you can't go back, but you've not yourselves any favours.

Citizens advice

To clear a few things up

She is not his ex she was a one night stand that he had at 23 while he was young and stupid

He paid £800 originally thinking that was a suitable amount

Since he's no longer 23 and house a home and other children £800 is very pricey when myself is on maternity leave.

He could not foresee 12 years ago this woman would get pregnant, move to london, mortgage prices double as did everything else and his wife would be going in maternity

The boys sleep over here TWO nights a month less than at their mothers. This is NOT including when the boys say ' no don't want to go back to mums tonight' and there is no debate my DH just texts their mother to say the boys want to stay again and either myself / wife will take the to school/ clubs/ whatever depending on my DH shift will depend on who from our household takes the boys where

He never fucked of and left a pregnant woman

He doesn't WANT to pay less because of the new baby he NEEDS to pay less because we can't survive

Their mother had never worked a day in her life or paid a penny for the boys. She has no physical or mental illness she just doesn't need to work because DH pays it all for her

When the boys are with us if they cost money too on top of the maintenance paid

Wow £800 a month????? For all those years??? She’s been absolutely sponging off him & free-loading, barely contributing financially to her children’s upbringing. Spending the money on fancy mortgage. Shes incredibly entitled- the amount of time he has the kids I’m not surprised the actual figure she’s entitled to is one hundred & something. He’s been a very good dad by the sounds of it & she very disrespectful.

It really is shocking when we all know how much children actually cost to raise, it’s isn’t cheap! I hate watching my friends struggle through it all and it’s not just the money issue both unfortunately put up with a lot of horrible and nasty comments or behaviour.

Sounds like you are really strong and have fought hard to give your children and you a better life without relying on him. As I say to my friends it may be difficult at times but everything you do makes your children feel safe, happy and loved. With being their person, the one they can rely on, it means you get all the hard parts too. One day they will look back and realise what a bloody super human you were raising them and be forever grateful.

So she's really laughing then. No wonder she doesn't need or want to work.

Wow.

A massive difference between £139 and £800.

How had been able to afford that amount for 12 years?

Sorry 11 years.

Maintenance doesn't affect entitlement to benefits because it can be stopped on a whim.
And often is.

Where does it say she can’t work ? He’s 50/50 on custody. Why should he pay 50% as well ?

You've cleared up a major point for me. Because it seems the CM doesn't have to be declared she doesn't need to work. She needs to be on the correct amount. You are allowed a reasonable standard of living.

Yes I see the logic.

Where indeed does it say she can't work?

CMS and court. Start the process now. As in tomorrow.

the money you save on maintenance will easily pay the legal fees.

As others have said the boys ages go in your favour.

I would also start looking at timings to move out of London back to your old area once the boys do a levels all bets are off.

Sounds like Namchanged might be the twins mother.

If she is saying she will take pictures at the property I would get a cheep video door bell, just in case she tries to take photos.

Err if the man hadn’t fucked off leaving the woman pregnant, then with twins to raise then she’d have his support and they’d have a stable upbringing.

Oh ffs. Most people don't expect a one-night-stand to end up as a lifelong commitment. They were fools not to use contraception. And I do think it's a bit much for this man to bring two additional children into the world. Four from one man is selfish in 2023 on a burning planet.

But no one who isn't prepared to terminate should have sex without double protection, with a stranger. It's absurd. I have a feeling this woman was looking for a long-term meal ticket and she appears to have found one. I'd go to court.

Wow she saw him coming. Were the twins 'premature' by any chance?🤔

I would be betting he’s paying more than double. I don’t see this as you have had another child so want to pay less. The cost of living has impacted everyone and we all need to tighten our belts. She has been so lucky to have someone provide that amount of money for 11 years. Everyone is entitled to be happy and it’s not like they were married and he ran away with his secretary, it was a one night stand at a young age and it sounds like he’s done pretty well by them.
She needs to get a job, sound to me like she’s been living off him for years.

Certainly seems to keep missing the continually reiterated point that Dad has them 50/50 that's for sure 🙄

I earn a little bit more and I pay a little more percentage wise towards the house and bills. With two of us on full time wages £800 is noticiable but has been fine. It's just the moving to the most expensive city in the Uk, the mortgage doubling as with everything else, myself in my second maternity leave and having the boys here so much who eat like crazy, go through clothes like no tomorrow, want lifts or travel paid for on top of everything else it's just not sustainable. Once I'm back in full time work then payments will go back to normal just likely be a few years before that

Being twins they likely were a bit premature.
I would have asked for a DNA years ago .
But now it just seems a bit cruel to cast doubt on whether the twins are his. How devastating all round would that be.not just for the boys .

She sounds a vile bully! I am sick of women like her giving hard working, decent single mothers a bad name. My advice, get legal advice! Most family lawyers offer a free one hour consultation. Write a list of questions to go through before the call. Then you should ask for more contact for the twins, as a previous poster suggested with 50:50 you won't need to pay maintenance. I'm glad you've done the proper CMS calculation. Call her bluff. Say you want mediation (you won't be able to go to court without this being suggested) then when that doesn't work file a C100. If you've been having a lot of regular contact, chances are the courts will keep the status quo! Your partner sounds a decent man and she is not a decent human! Maybe she'll realise that most of us work bloody hard to pay
Mortgage, bills and keep our children! I am so sorry you're going through this xxx

I really really hope there was a DNA test.

They have 50/50 custody & the mother has chosen not to work. Why should she get anything.