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Original poster

Tips on parenting and living with two “big” jobs

174 replies

Chicci1 · 20/12/2023 19:44

Would love advice from anyone in a similar position. Myself and dh work full time in “big” jobs and have two dc in primary school. Dh has just accepted a promotion which is going to mean longer hours and more stress but is a big step forward in his career. At the moment we’re managing using wrap around care and a cleaner once a week but life is hectic. I find the extra curricular stuff particularly hard to manage. We’re both full time with no chance of reducing days and can usually each work from home one day a week. The other days we take turns to drop and collect. I’m not sure what sort of magic wand I’m looking for but any tips would be welcome!

OP posts:
Heatherbell1978 · 22/12/2023 07:31

Haven't looked at all responses; many seem quite unhelpful. But DH and I have 2 primary aged children and have FT stressful jobs. Probably not MN Big (ie we don't take home £100k's) but big enough that we need to plan things. Lower your expectations is my top tip. We don't have a cleaner, a nanny an au pair etc but we also don't run ourselves ragged trying to maintain an immaculate house, extra-curricular every night of the week and positioning a bloody elf before we go to bed. Our house is clean enough, kids do wrap around, DS does football a couple of times a week and both do swimming at the weekend.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 22/12/2023 07:48

I don’t think the ‘people never say they wish they’d spent more time at work on their deathbed’ is true for everyone!

I've long ago lost count of the women on here who wished they'd worked more long before they died. Generally when they were staring down the barrel of a divorce at 50 having not really worked in years, or facing old age with a crap pension and no housing security.

PolizeiobermeisterWache · 22/12/2023 07:57

Apply your business skills to the problem.
Outsourcing and ruthless prioritisation are the way forward! Outsource as much as you can- the cleaning, the laundry, the children.
Prioritise your big jobs.

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Families
Phineyj · 22/12/2023 08:23

My dad had a "big job". He had a brush with mortality in 2020. He spent a lot of time in intensive care burbling on about his glory days as a CFO...

notahappybunny7 · 22/12/2023 08:27

Sintel · 21/12/2023 20:42

It's complete bollocks to think having children doesn't torpedo a woman's earning capacity if she's a professional unless it's handled very carefully. There reams of bloody data. Woman don't make what men make across the board.

Being in charge of international department that needs you to be available and capable of fairly high level problem solving at all hours is a major strain if small children are involved. The closer you get to the money the less women you find. On our board there are 10 men and 1 woman. Her children are now in uni. On my senior management team I am the only woman out of 7. It's bloody brutal. I don't have a wife's. I am the wife!

Outsource it ALL. Feel no guilt. Gardener, housekeeper, PA, nanny...whatever makes it work.

why would you bother having kids with that attitude?

WashItTomorrow · 22/12/2023 08:36

My sixth-form teen had an after-school job working for a family like this. She picked up the kids from school, took them and fetched them to and from their clubs, made them tea at home.

Dynamoat · 22/12/2023 08:39

By that thinking we might as well not bother encouraging our daughters to go to uni or think about careers because if they have dc then they should immediately drop all ambition?

Big jobs also don't need to be hard edged finance jobs like I think people are imagining. There are plenty of jobs out there that require long hours, mental presence through all waking hours etc. and you can't just drop them and walk back in 2 years later.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2023 08:45

There is a difference between big earners with responsible jobs who outsource all their childcare and domestic duties and rarely see their children, and those who outsource all the domestic duties so that they can have more quality time with their children.

In the first instance I would wonder why they bothered having children, in the second instance I would say that sounds ideal.

IMO it's shame that women can't pause their career to have children and step back into it without any negative consequences.

Thingamebobwotsit · 22/12/2023 08:49

We have done this a few times and the only way we have managed is extremely reliable wraparound care. For some that is grandparents, others a nanny or au pair. For us it was an uber reliable child minder and we have fared better than our counterparts with nannies where there is often a lot of turnover and that bit of stress in the middle of not having cover until the next one appears.

Honestly though. It is tough having both of you working long hours. It is exhausting because you still have to meet emotional needs which only get bigger as they get older, and you also start to realise how much you miss out on. Think hard about it -- and for how long you want to do it. You never get that time back.

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/12/2023 08:55

Dynamoat · 22/12/2023 08:39

By that thinking we might as well not bother encouraging our daughters to go to uni or think about careers because if they have dc then they should immediately drop all ambition?

Big jobs also don't need to be hard edged finance jobs like I think people are imagining. There are plenty of jobs out there that require long hours, mental presence through all waking hours etc. and you can't just drop them and walk back in 2 years later.

Exactly. Mothers are allowed to be ambitious and not want to give up everything they have worked for.

My job is similar to what you describe, though the more senior you are the more flexibility you have so working your way up is a very positive thing to help balance work and family life. It is fast moving though and taking 1-2 years out would be very difficult because you would be left behind, especially since it's a male dominated role.

Phineyj · 22/12/2023 08:58

It's not about "dropping all ambition" though - DH and I both have responsible, professional jobs but have chosen to stick at a certain level so we can have some work life balance and bring up our DC. We had to pay a lot for childcare when she was little but now at age 11 that's reducing.

University is not just a stepping stone on the way to a job.

Careers can go sideways as well as linearly.

Men can take an interest in the home and parenting.

The state and the private sector can make it easier for women to go back to work, or harder.

We know full well which jobs are "big jobs" and (sorry) avoid them and the people that do them. Because they can be tedious!

autienotnaughty · 22/12/2023 09:15

My friend and her dh both have big jobs. They had a lot of support from both sets of parents and they paid a childminder/friend to do pick ups . Plus have a cleaner/dog walker and gardener.

Look at what extra this will take from dh and how to fill the gap. Increase cleaner hours? Hire a babysitter to do after school stuff?

Justnoidea · 22/12/2023 09:51

Kids don’t care who is doing their washing or shopping or cleaning the toilets in their house.

They do care who is tucking them into bed at night, helping them with their homework, coming to their school plays.

I have a well paid job that requires long hours, and I’m lucky that I’m senior enough that it allows me to afford to pay for other people to do the stuff in the first category, and flexible enough that I can do the stuff in the second category, pretty much all the time.

Like pps we have a nanny. That means my school aged DC doesn’t need to go to wrap around/after school club and can chill out at home with his own toys every day, and we know that holidays and illness can be covered if necessary. We have a cleaner, order all food shopping, batch cook a lot.

Tbh it’s a juggle but I think our lives are easier than all my friends who work in “normal” 9-5 jobs as they work really hard and do all the housework etc on top. And they don’t see their kids any more than we do.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2023 09:58

Spot on @Justnoidea

MotherofPearl · 22/12/2023 17:19

This thread raised similar issues so might be helpful:

That two parents working doesn’t work http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4845431-that-two-parents-working-doesnt-work

notahappybunny7 · 24/12/2023 08:19

Usernamen · 21/12/2023 09:24

Similar to this, having had a SAHM for much of my childhood makes me never, ever want to become a SAHM.

It would be simply unthinkable for me to make myself financially dependent on someone else.

Show quote history

And I grew up with a working mum and that made me determined to be there for my child. I grew up knowing my mum thought child raising was beneath her and it’s not pleasant for a kid. I work, I have to but I’ve my own business which I started long before my daughter was born. It works around us not the other way. I have a relative with a big job, her husband picked up the slack, fair enough, but she isn’t particularly close to her children.
again children aren’t compulsory and if your attitude is outsource everything to a nanny think long and hard as to if you truly want them, for everyone’s sake.

RampantIvy · 24/12/2023 09:24

My mum used to do secretarial work from home. I remember my sister and I helping her to stuff envelopes for mailshots. Child labour Grin

Vonesk · 26/12/2023 14:30

Well, the Rich and famous use AuPairs to help in the house, do why not ordinary folk?????

Ofmen · 26/12/2023 14:55

Parenting is the "big job"

ReallyAgainReally · 26/12/2023 15:13

Let me guess. And you want to keep all your money for the 2 big jobs and promotion? You need a nanny or au pair. It is a no brainer really. So, what is your question?

ChristmasEvemaddness · 26/12/2023 16:18

Does big job mean important because it pays a lot and is therfore more serious?

MerryChristmas23 · 26/12/2023 16:20

I want to know what a "big" job is.

Baffy11 · 26/12/2023 16:23

So many angry people on here, cross that OP and her husband have good, well paying jobs...massive jealousy and chips on shoulders!! Good luck in finding a solution OP.

Notmychildrensfault · 26/12/2023 16:54

My mum used to be a nanny for a couple with "big jobs", they also have cleaners few hours a week, I think it is more of a problem for parents with "small jobs" than "big jobs" to be honest.

Simonjt · 26/12/2023 16:56

Redwinesalt · 21/12/2023 07:37

Gosh sounds like you barely see your DC. I know someone who had this arrangement and the nanny was really lovely but the 2x DC defo defaulted her her as their 'parent' and the relationship with parents was & still is a bit odd. Parents are very pushy with the Dc to succeed at absolutely everything above all else

Show quote history

This is how my husband was raised, he was then sent to board when he was eight and he was back with the nanny during his waking hours during the school holidays. His parents aren’t his parents at all, the woman who was his fulltime nanny is. We both had big jobs, we decided to both take a step down so we could both be home more, but also have jobs where we didn’t have to bring work home. It actually didn’t lead to that big a drop in income, the drop is certainly smaller than the cost of a nanny, cleaner etc.