That two parents working doesn’t work

[Itsmyshadow]

We have 3 DCs aged 8, 4 and 1. DH works full time. I have recently returned from mat leave doing 4 days per week. On my day off I have DC4 and DC1 at home and a large part of that is taken up with swimming lessons.

I feel like I’m failing at everything to be honest. House is a state, am not on top of my work, kids in nursery and after school club for long hours, and don’t even get me started on the amount of after school sporting activities DC1 does which don’t really fit with going to work.

DH is a great dad, does his fair share with the kids, does 50% of the school / nursery runs, and most of DC1’s after school sporting stuff (whilst I have the younger two). He could pull his weight a bit more with the housework but gets off his bottom when I huff and puff / nag, and does all of the DIY and garden. Like most women I carry the mental load, doing all the school, nursery, medical admin etc.

I feel like I need to do a real half arsed job of my work on my wfh days to keep on top of the washing / house / kid admin / kid homework (saw a thread on here the other day about that), but workload / conscience won’t let me do that, and that doesn’t solve for the fact that DC1 has football at 5:30 on a Tuesday or hockey at 6pm on a Wednesday and if I finish at 5pm and I’m in the office, those timings don’t work.

We have a cleaner and a robot vacuum, but I still can’t keep on top of all the crap all around the house (paintings from nursery, party bag loot, paper admin that needs addressing, magazines etc), and feel like the kids get given toys / grow out of clothes much faster than I can get sort through the old ones. Result is a massive mess of a playroom that I keep getting half through sorting before the kids mess it up again and there’s nowhere for everything to go.

Don’t talk to me about TOMM or similar. I’m not lacking motivation or direction. I spend hours per week washing and putting away clothes, batch cooking, sorting through piles of stuff, firefighting cleaning tasks (usually when something mouldy is discovered or someone has spilt something somewhere), but no sooner is something done it’s a complete mess again.

So those of you who work a lot of hours and have young kids. How are you managing? Do you spend hours every evening cooking and cleaning (how do you find the energy if so?), and how to you manage the demands of kids after school activities / social lives?

Life can get so busy I fully empathise with you

To be totally honest I think if you have 3 very young children it doesn’t make practical sense to work, really, and would suggest that might be why you are feeling stressed vs if you only had one child you would be able to balance it with work better and not feel so spread thin. Not that you would swap your situation, but I guess it’s just a choice isn’t it. Could you reduce your hours anymore?

Worked 3 Days a week when DD was 1, want to full time when she was 2.5, then DS came along when DD was 3.5.
TBH it's not easy, but we've had cleaners come every 2 weeks to clean the essentials. We're both professionals so need to work, and have a lot of outgoings too so need to be full time
Having ND children has made it more
Difficult but we're lucky that DH WFH and I am WFH2-3 days a week so we
Can juggle, plus have flex at work.
If we worked in a city bank
Or law firm it wouldn't work! Luckily we're in less inflexible jobs ... would hate that type of job, need much work life balance mix to be honest

He could pull his weight more? That’s the issue. If you’re working 4 days and then doing swimming lessons etc on day off then he needs to step up and do his share. And no you don’t have to take on all the mental load. He’s a parent too!!

I can see why you're finding three kids with a wide age spread and working 9 days out of 10 between you to be very tough, honestly.

Was a SAHM for years and went back to work full time when youngest was 3.

My job is largely remote working and v flexible, same as DH (remote and flexible). No idea how other households make it work though.

Batch cooking meals always helped me, I'd get trays from home bargains that I could divide potions into.

Having a storage system (even if two nice looking boxes were filled with party bag crap they were still out of my way)

I use to sort clothes out 1 a month and get rid of anything that was damaged or didn't fit. If you want to save some then vacuum pack them.

Give the kids a system they can follow to out toys away, blue box for building stuff, red box for dolls and figures etc

Get the cleaner in more if an option

I work 50 hours a week around DC (5/6-8, 9-3, 7-11) and dh is full time but the only way we've managed it is for me to do all the pick ups and clubs and then work late into the evening. Dh compresses his hours and does a day off to do clubs with my pre-schooler. Saturdays I spend 4-5 hours cleaning..I try to think of it as a gym work out and I listen to podcasts to get some headspace away from DC. We run the robot vac daily. It is exhausting though!

I have no advice, just came here to say you are not alone in this!

You have to find compromises. You aren't going to always be on top of the laundry. You may not be able to do every extra-curricular activity and so on. Do not expect or strive for perfection.

I think the best arrangement for a young family is when both parents are able to work a 4 day week. It’s not fair that the expectation is that women will take the career hit, and the associated long term pay and pension downgrade.

That said, you don’t have to work if you don’t want to and it’s not working for you. I think it depends a bit about the type of work you do, your longer term career prospects and how much you care about those.

When my DC1 was small I did 3 days, when DC2 was small I ended up with a 2 full days and 3 half days, and from about DC2 starting school I’ve done full time hours.

I mean two parents working absolutely can work, but you have 3 children... did you not expect it to be difficult?

It will get easier as they get older

I find it hard with one child, three will obviously be much harder. Unfortunately I have absolutely no desire to be a SAHM so we'll just have to keep plodding on in a very messy house!

Ive got one under 5 & one in infants. We both work in senior london based finance roles. I spread 30h over 5 days, DH is full time.

I am v efficient about cooking - have 4 large pots and about once a month i make 4 meals at once, about 12 portions of each & freeze.

Kids eat at childcare a couple of times a week, we have a cleaner. We split chores and life admin.

We pick activities that are manageable - as close as possible to home etc, weekend mornings rather than after school. We can't do loads of play dates.

Its hard. I don't get much time for myself and am usually too tired to exercise much although as both are getting older its getting easier. We both enjoy our jobs and are very well paid and we appreciate the security the money brings us as a family.

Did someone tell you 3 kids and FT working was going to be easy?

You both need to take a critical look at things and drop anything that is not needed. 4 and 1 year olds do not "need" swimming lessons, mine didn't learn until 8. Be choosy with the afterschool activities. That is the compromise when parents have more commitments that they can cope with. Declutter the whole house, less crap means less mess - just get a skip and have a mass clear out, be brutal.

Get you 8 year old cleaning up behind them and helping out. I did when I was 8.

Do not give up work. You need to keep your career going - it won't be long before you might be thinking about how you will afford to pay for 3 kids through uni!

This was one of the main reasons why I chose private education for mine. They get all the sporting stuff done during the day you don’t feel like you have to do it after school.

I really pushed up my career in order to fund it, and it was worth it

It is not the out of home work that is the problem, it’s the housework. Seems to be falling on the shoulders of one person. Your husband needs to pull his weight.

No suggestions here but just saying I feel the same. I'm a solicitor and DH is in a similar professional role, we only have 2 DC, both under 5 and I feel completely lost.

After working, getting some kind of vaguely healthy food into the kids, getting them down for bed and cleaning we don't have the energy for anything apart from slumping on the sofa eating chocolate and grunting at each other. The house is STILL never tidy, I am STILL never on top of work and I STILL feel guilty about not spending enough quality time with either the kids or DH.

My eldest DC is struggling a bit socially and nursery have started making noises about ASD, and I feel so bad for not being able to give him all of my time and attention and try to make things easier for him.

I was so happy on mat leave just in my little bubble of babies and domestic stuff. I would love to cut down my hours or even do something completely different with less or at least more predictable hours. However with the cost of living and the fixed rate on our mortgage ending next year it doesn't feel at all responsible to think about that. I just don't know the answer.

I also agree, your DH needs to drop a day.

You ve got three kids
2 very young
Get more help au pair or drop an activity

You will need the $$ asthey grow so dont give up work
You Do the diy and garden and let dad do hiusework
Gardening is. ABreak !

Also - you have three kids and two adults. Both adults are capable enough of dealing with their own shit so anything you are doing to enable your husband - stop.

if he is not sorting his own clothes washing, ironing, putting away then stop doing it for him.

Pay a gardener so dad can do more loot bags etc

I never planned to be a SAHM but after having DC3, I returned to work (part time) and handed my notice in after 12 weeks as it was so stressful (we had 3 under 5 years old at this time). I also felt I was failing at everything. I didn't enjoy not working but believe it was the best thing for the family at the time. I now work full time and have done for a number of years (DC3 is 10).

My best friend is a GP, married to a GP, they have 3 kids. Both work at least 45 hours a week. They make it work by using a cleaner once a fortnight, holiday camps during summer holidays and afterschool activities, and dividing all the childcare and chores (including mental load) exactly in half. I’ve seen their household charts - they have one for the housework and another for childcare. Lol they each ‘earn gold stars’ which they can cash in at the end of the month for a childfree day!!

I love their system but we have it pretty chilled at ours with 2.

Controversial and definitely not a LTB but my life was a million times easier working FT as a single mum than in a relationship. Somehow just getting on with things and knowing it's down to you makes things easier.