Tips on parenting and living with two “big” jobs

[Chicci1]

Would love advice from anyone in a similar position. Myself and dh work full time in “big” jobs and have two dc in primary school. Dh has just accepted a promotion which is going to mean longer hours and more stress but is a big step forward in his career. At the moment we’re managing using wrap around care and a cleaner once a week but life is hectic. I find the extra curricular stuff particularly hard to manage. We’re both full time with no chance of reducing days and can usually each work from home one day a week. The other days we take turns to drop and collect. I’m not sure what sort of magic wand I’m looking for but any tips would be welcome!

This thread is a whole other world to me. I don't mean that in a nasty way. I just have never known anybody with this kind of lifestyle. I'd love to know what jobs you all do.

By big job the OP is just referring to a well paid career with huge responsibilities and (probably) long working hours. If two parents both have demanding careers then they need to employ someone to step in as wife.

The ones I know are lawyers/accountants/investment bankers etc etc.

However in the other hand plenty of people work long hours but can't afford the nanny etc and being a SAHP just won't work financially. They still juggle everything.

SAHMs are looked down on, on here, and told they are making themselves vulnerable

Like most generalisations, not true. I've never seen SAHMs looked down on. When posters in difficult relationships they'd be better off out of turn out to be SAHMs with zip money/pensions, etc. they are told their position is vulnerable. Which it is.

I had a great nanny until the youngest was 7. She is still important to us more than a decade later

I recently changed cleaners and my new cleaner will deal with stuff like washing as well ironing, changing beds etc.

I've also recently located a handyman who I can pay to do anything that needs doing, and I have a semi-regular gardener.

These are definitely helping; the house is now broadly speaking not chaotic.

I've not got kids at home so I'm juggling a lot less and it's still hard.

Friends in similar positions have an after-school nanny/housekeeper role. So someone who comes at 12 or 1, deals with the house, peeps dinner, then goes out and picks people up, gets them to extra curriculars etc and is around til 6 or 7.

That way it's only a 35 hour a week role instead of 50 or 60 - they juggle the mornings themselves.

Not really complicated isn't??

A nanny, cleaner and a gardener?

How much flexibility do you have? The way we have made it work is largely me utilising flexibility as much as possible tbh; remote working, owning my own diary etc, and DH then steps in when I need to travel. My job is a lot more flexible than his, genuinely, not just because he's male (but it is a male dominated industry so does influence that!) we have had periods where we've both needed to travel and thankfully I do have partners near by who have been able to help.

*parents, we're not polyamorous 😂

Nanny - ideally they start at 7ish to help with the morning chaos and get older kids to school. Get backup babysitters, big jobs usually mean evening events too. Ideally someone can WFH a few days a week as it makes life easier. Pay fol a cleaner x 2 a week if you have a big house/pets.

Gosh! What nice problems to have!! Imagine having a small job, lots of responsibility, very little autonomy, 14hr days, barely more than minimum wage and unable to outsource anything! Awful…

I’ve met one real person ever who told me she had a big job. Pretentious bore. It’s a job, you’re busy, you can afford to deal with it. It’s…so…goddamn…hard 😫

We both have "big jobs" that require lots of international working which means calls at all hours etc. Kids are in private school with wrap around care and we have a 5 day a week housekeeper who does all the cleaning plus meal prep. We have worked it so that in general I do all the drop offs and DH does all the pick-ups. All extracurricular happen at school. I protect our weekends quite hard. We also have a gardener. Don't underestimate the amount of time it takes to manage a housekeeper. We are adding in a personal PA next year as well.

I find that many headteachers have a partner who has a much more flexible job or who is the part time worker. The long hours are not conducive to family life.

Two big jobs here - ridiculous hours, last minute late nights, lots of travel.
My DC older than yours now, but these are some things that spring to mind to share:
Have a shared calendar between the two of you and update it as instantly as you can. As soon as I hear even a whisper of a work trip I add it to the calendar with a question mark, just so DH can see at a glance that I might be travelling that week and go check with me before scheduling anything. I also add any late night or early morning meetings (I work across several time zones) so he can see when I need to be 'off air' when it comes to sorting meals etc.
Evenings: we're both home late most evenings. DC now old enough to have a key and be home alone, but not self sufficient enough to cook dinner or do anything useful 🙄 so i make sure we have plenty of healthy snacks in the house, and we use meal boxes three or four nights a week. We also order in far more often than I would like to admit but I'm trying to let go of the guilt around that!
We have a cleaner but our house is a total tip. Absolute chaos. Not ideal but, honestly, housework is pretty low on my list of things to do when I have some precious free time. I would far rather read, watch TV with DC or have a nap than tidy up 😂 Again, just trying to let go of the guilt around having a permanently messy and chaotic house.
Please remember the positives - presumably you love your work! I certainly do. My DH and I are both lucky enough to have careers that interest us and reward us intellectually as well as financially. Our DC see parents who work hard at interesting jobs, and it absolutely broadens their view of the world. Plus it's lovely to be able to plan holidays or go on shopping trips (or even pay the mortgage!) without having to worry about budgeting.
Wishing you all the best making it through this tough life stage OP; it will become easier.

I had an Aupair for 5 years when mine were younger, in some ways it was great but in others it was like having a 3rd child… I also had a cleaner which made a big difference.

It has been a game changer for me working fully remotely in a global role as my time is my own to a degree and I can usually work my diary around the kids but the flip side is the 5am and 10pm calls…

however to be clear if I was in a ‘big big job with the salary to match’ I would just have had a nanny and a part time housekeeper and been done with it

Help, outside help is an absolute must.
I would look into if you could afford to potentially outsource most of the household stuff in your position.

If you're managing the morning school run and will continue to be able to do so, great, but I would personally be wanting someone to take on the mental load of picking up a click and collect order a couple of times a week, collecting the DC from their wrap around care- good to have someone just in case you are going to be home late.

I'd also hope that the same person could potentially get housework done, and prep a meal each evening.

That way, you can come home, have some unwind time with the kids, and you're still getting a nutritious meal each night.

It gets rid of the guilt that often comes with prioritising housework or cooking when you've missed the kids all day and just want to hear about their day.

Ultimately myself and DH both had fairly big jobs, which were unsustainable for us to both do, and keep ontop of the children, house, cooking etc etc.

I think the moral of this if that you have BIG jobs you have no time to bring up DC so it is either farmed out and you miss most of it or you make time to enjoy your DC. Out there earning money to pay for someone else to bring up DC isn't always to answer. I honestly don't get the point of having DC if you aren't there to bring them up. Just my humble.....but both my parents worked and I was soooo envious of Children with Mum there when they got home from school, Mum was never there on getting home or did any real fun things at home with me as she was working......it even pisses me off now and I am in my 50s. So take of that what you will.......

Your companies may be willing to give you both 4 day weeks as being flexible with hours shows them to be a modern company which supports staff and hits a EDI target for them.

If you each take 2 half days a week then you just need childcare for one afternoon.

Can you WFH? We alternate our days so that one is on pick ups when the other is travelling. It takes some planning but you just have to be organised. Use breakfast and after school club. Cleaner who does the ironing.

Do you and dh do any parenting?

The magic wand you are asking for is probably not other posters being snippy or judgmental. It does depend on whether you either, or are both, at short notice expected to work (or host) outside of working hours, possibly overnight if you travel for your work, if so you need to go for an au-pair or live in nanny. If you think you can manage around the working day, then a day nanny might work (along with some of the other household things OP have suggested). But, as long as there is some flexibility with timings, and maybe the odd overnighter at good pay. Wrap around care is fine until your child is ill and you cannot take them in, Even with a Nanny you need some sort of back up (as they can be off ill too). Most "big job" employers are sympathetic if there is a childcare emergency, but equally, they do not want to hear of one every other week. Also, don't forget that you will become an employer if you have a Nanny, it is not a big thing but you will need to deal with HMRC, payslips etc. Although it is not fair to over-burden a Nanny or Au pair, it is also acceptable to share childcare in your own home, with another family (i.e. if yours are in school all day). I had four under 10, so my Nanny was busy getting two older into school (10 min walk), and looking after two younger ones during the day, and doing wrap around care after pick up. Quite a hard jig, but paid well (no other duties) and all still close 10 years on. Hope this helps xx

Excellent post! My sentiments, but worded much better than I did!

Maybe it's just me, but honestly, to me a "big job" just means one where you are working full time, for longer than average hours and/or a significant commute. Yes, HGV driver with those terms is a big job!

OP, my main advice is be realistic about extra curriculars; look for holiday clubs that wrap in a lot of interesting activities, rather than trying to do much in term time.

You have your whole life to think about your career. They are little for such a short time.

Can you really not reduce your hours? I don’t know of any professional jobs that wouldn’t allow that. I live and work in London and most of my friends have “big” jobs but they all manage to work flexibly to some degree.

That sounds like hell.